I woke up in a pile of dirt and rubble. My headache was gone and I could move.
Well, that's an improvement.
I immediatly looked on my wrist. A symbol had formed on it. It looked like circle with the letter 'R' inside of it. It was storming very bad, but my clothes were dry and the water bounced off of me like I had on a Pancho. I may have just stared at my hands for a bit waiting for water to hit them. It never did.
That's impossible
The storm surrounded me but sounded distant. I must have woken up after the worst of the storm hit, because I was on the remains of a house. I stood up frantically, around me were the remains of a house.
Window panes, wooden beams, bits of furniture, and roof shillings laid everywhere. I saw a doll in the rubble that looked familiar. I took a few steps, I was barefoot so I was surprised I didn't get cut. As soon as I picked up the doll I realized who it belonged too.
This is Emma's doll. This is my house.
I dropped the doll and looked around in shock. Everything I saw was crushed. I could make out the which houses were which based on their remains. Ryan, my best friend. His house lay crushed in front of ours.
We had so many good memories together. One time we were chancing each other around the house and Ryan fell and broke his leg. But on the way back from the hospital, we stopped by an adoption center and we both got puppies. My dog, Pepper, and his dog, Rocco.
Some houses were crushed and others just missing roofs. The neighborhood was not the nicest in the area, but it was home. Spring was ending so it looked like a neighborhood off of a movie. Everything used to be green and colorful. Now it isnothing short of a horror. I immediately fished my phone out of my pocket, but I didn't have a signal.
Where is my family? Are they okay? They could be hurt. Or worse....
Tears started to fill up my eyes. I wiped them away and started to think.
Where is the rescue team? How am I not injured? How did this happen?
I had so many questions, my head started to hurt, again. I sat down and started to cry. Everything I owned was gone. Everything I loved was gone. Nothing in this world mattered to more than my family.
They could still be alive
Though judging by my surrounding, the chances seemed pretty slim. I cried until I heard another cry. But not a sad cry. I cry of fear. Mixed in with the crying were screams and shrieks. I slowly stood up and started jogging down the street.
I turned a corner and saw a girl. She looked around 13 or 14, around my age.. Her brown hair covered her face. She was running and screaming. She hesitated when she saw me, and started running torwards me crying. I heard a loud booming voice come from above me.
"YOU TINY PEST!"
I looked up and regretted it. Anout a block away their was a huge humanoid creature in the air. He was floating hundreds of feet in the air. His dark blue eyes stared at me and the girl, who stopped and hid behind me. He looked humanoid and had no actual features; except he was 10 times my size. His skin or clothes (hard to tell) kept changing between gray and dark blue colors. I just stared right at him until he started floating forwards me. Then we ran.
We ran as fast as possible. I was running faster then the girl. It was not until I looked over and saw her face, I realized she was hurt. She was limping with her left leg. She was still crying.
"This way." I screeched. I put my arm over her shoulder. We walked/limped over to the nearest standing house. I searched around for a place to hide. I saw that the garage door was ripped off so I helped the girl inside. We hid underneath a work-bench. I knew the beast would find us eventually.
"YOUR IN MY DEMENTION NOW, I WILL FIND YOU." Yelled the monster. His voice was louder than a thousand trumpets. It echoed throughout the neighborhood. Its ear piercing voice burned in my mind. I could sense him getting closer. The girl was still crying, but trying her best to be quiet.
"What.. What is He." Whispered the girl. I could hear the fear in her voice.
Before I could respond the table above us went flying out of the garage. The beast was standing over us. Even when 5 feet away I couldn't make out any facial features, besides the eyes and mouth. His large hands started coming straight at us. I reacted fast. I picked up the nearest thing I could find, which was a hammer, and threw it at the monster as hard as I could. The hammer hit the beast square in the face. But it dissolved as soon as it hit him.
"ITEM'S FROM THE OTHER SIDE WILL NOT EFFECT ME YOU IDIOT." belowed the beast.
His voice burned in my mind. I didn't have time to process what he was saying before he grabbed us. I sais he grabbed us, but actually we were levitating. His hands were around us, but they didn't touch us. We were just floating. The air around us started to thin and spin like a vortex. Oxygen was being sucked out of my lungs. I tried my best to look at the girl. She was passed out.
Or worse
I kept getting dizzier and dizzier. I started to give up, but I remembered the gift my uncle had given me.
"It is a tool not a weapon." He had told me. So I used it as a tool. Tools fix things, so the knife will fix this situation.
I pulled the knife out of my pocket. I let go it and let it spin into the vortex. I don't remember much after that. I just remember the creature screaming as he let go of us and we fell to our deaths.
End of chapter
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Back! There's still a few things awry with this, even though it has progressed into something that captures excitement quite a bit more.
just tell me when episode 3 comes out. I mean, hahaha, these are chapters. (just let me know)
"I may have just stared at my hands for a bit." - but why did you put may in here?
"I stood up frantically, around me were the remains of a house." - you just said you were on the remains of a house, so I would either just stand up frantically or stand up frantically and do/think/look something.
"Window panes, wooden beams, bits of furniture, and roof shillings laid everywhere. I saw a doll in the rubble that looked familiar. I took a few steps, I was barefoot so I was surprised I didn't get cut. As soon as I picked up the doll I realized who it belonged too." - Great description about the destruction. Only things: the 3rd sentence is a run-on (it needs some kind of full pause) and the very last word should be "to."
"I could make out the which houses," - int this, take out the
"Now it isnothing short of a horror." - say was. Keep it all in the same past tense you've been using the rest of the story.
"This way." I screeched. - I would use !
LOL! is DEMENTION a play on words, because the beast is demented and going to do barbaric things to them, or is this just a misspelling? If it's not a pun, then it is written as Dimension.
YOUR IN MY DEMENTION NOW, I WILL FIND YOU." Yelled the monster. - put a comma or an ! after you.
His voice was louder than a thousand trumpets." - Exceelente!! that's a perfect time to use a stylistic device.
EFFECT ON ME YOU IDIOT." - in this case it is Affect. When Should You Use 'Affect'?
Affect with an a means "to influence," as in, The arrows affected Aardvark, or The rain affected Amy's hairdo. Affect can also mean, roughly, "to act in a way that you don't feel," as in, She affected an air of superiority.
When Should You Use''Effect'?
Effect has a lot of subtle meanings as a noun, but to me the meaning "a result" seems to be at the core of all the definitions. For example, you can say, "The effect was eye-popping," or "The sound effects were amazing," or "The rain had no effect on Amy's hairdo."
"What.. What is He." Whispered the girl." - needs a comma following He, and whenever someone is speaking and you narrate right after it, lower case for the very next word. So dont' make Whispered capitalized like that.
Or worse - don't see why this has to be a thought? I think it might just be better as part of the narration.
"Tools fix things, so the knife will fix this situation." - Now THIS, would be better as a thought however.
xD, you fell to your deaths? Welp, end of story then, unfortunately. OOOONnk!! No,
Hi! This is a really really short chapter. I think it would certainly be okay if you allowed more events to unfurl in this chapter instead of saving them for next chapter. You could have done part of a chase scene with this Giant and dropped us at a more exhilarating Cliff-hanger going into chapter 3.
"Is was storming very bad, but my clothes were dry and the water bounced off of me like I had on a Pancho." - Shouldn't the character take a line or two to note how odd that is? It was like he/she didn't even blink at this and then moved on.
It was a terrifying sight." - From the previous sentences we definitely understand the concern the character is dealing with, as you've said the remains of a house already. The way you describe the scene of rubble after this sentence is also enough to make the reader feel the discomfort, so saying it was a terrifying sight actually detracts from the power the scene holds of itself.
"I saw a doll in the remains that looked familiar. I took a few steps, I was barefoot so I was surprised I didn't get cut. As soon as I picked up the doll I relized" - You start probably 4/5 sentences with the personal pronoun I; not necessarily wrong but repetitive and you might want to shake it up. For instance: in the doll sentence you could say, "There was a familiar-looking doll sitting in the remains." Of course, this is also the 3rd time in 2 paragraphs you've said remains I believe. Differently arranged styles of sentences can be worded in such ways to exude the tone, as in this part, where you might want to make it eerie and suspenseful and apprehensive.
This is Emma's doll. This is my house." - If this is a character's thoughts, it may be best to put it in italics. No rules about that tho.
My best friend, Ryan's, house was crushed in front of ours." - This is awkward to read with the commas in it and possessive of Ryan. You could say, "Ryan, my best friend. His house stood/lay crushed in front of ours." You could also just remove all commas and it would stand alone fine. But you could write it in a more Dramatic and Shocking way. Imagine all this information, every different piece is coming like a punch in the face to the mc.
They could still be alive,
I thought. - You could do many things with this, italics and don't say I thought, move I thought up on the line after alive, but it really is weird to stick I thought as the next paragraph's beginning.
"But not a sad cry. I cry of fear." - suggestion: "But this wasn't the sound of weeping. These were the raw shrieks/squalls/expletives of fear."
About 13 same age as me." - How about... She looked to be around my age, maybe 13 or 14." Cause I'm sure the character wouldn't be able to tell for sure right off the bat, even though I know you as the author, know the information about all the characters already.
loud booming voice come from the above me." - forget the the there, then it will flow.
"You tiny pest!" - if the creature is that enormous, you may want to capitalize all his speech (just as stylistic choice). It may help the reader get all the feels. I really like what the Giant humanoid creature yells out though.
He looked humanoid but had no actually features, except he was about 50 feet tall." - I would change but to and, and actually to actual. And that comma either into a semi-colon or a period.
The biggest thing I think that would improve your writing, is being more creative with the narration of the story. It lacks some of the intense engagement this genre of literature needs. It may take some experimental practice to get the hang of, but I could personally go for the mc making a few more observations in the split seconds between the events going on, rather than just watching the character react so much. It's all advancing so fast, and we don't get a memory about Ryan, or about the family, or about Emma, or about how the neighborhood used to look so lovely and normal or anything. Of course when there is an action scene going on you did really well, because you don't need to slow that down. Try to match the atmosphere of the moment with the pace of the story.
Hey, since I reviewed your first chapter, I thought I might as well talk about this one too
The first error is that you should say "I must have woken up". It's a common mistake, but one to watch out for.
Second, we already know that he was on the remains of a house. Don't say it twice, it's jarring to read. You could say "rubble" the second time, if you want.
You never told us that the little sister's name was Emma. This left me wondering who you were talking about for a second.
When characters ask themselves questions like this, most writers change the formatting a little to show clearly that it's in their head. A common technique is to italic the whole thing.
The reader just needs to know that it's the character's thoughts before they finish reading the sentence, so, similar to how speech marks are used for dialougue, use something for this too.
While using numbers to help describe things can be useful, you shouldn't overdue it. It would be nicer if you described the creature's size and position with regular writing than making the reader imagine an exact number. Saying things like "he towered above me, his head above the clouds" really help the story flow. You can use numerical values, just space it out a little.
That's all I really have to say. I like that the plot already has danger in it - conflict is something that should be introduced early on. Don't try to rush it though, this chapter has a lot more happening in it than the first one, yet seems shorter when you read it.
I'll be looking forward to chapter 3
(no rush though, take your time with it)
Hello, I love this story it was really inspiring and great theme. but i did notice some very small grammar mistakes.
Now right here is there supposed to be a comma after well or is it supposed to be fluent?
"Well that's an improvement."
Unnecessary comma after me. Also "i must of" change that to "I must have" and another unnecessary comma after hit.
"The storm surrounded me, but sounded distant. I must of woken up after the worst of the storm hit, because I was on the remains of a house. I stood up frantically, around me were the remains of a house. It was a terrifying sight."
Everywhere is one word.
"Window panes, wooden beams, bits of furniture, and roof shillings laid every where."
I think relized is spelled realized.
I took a few steps, I was barefoot so I was surprised I didn't get cut. As soon as I picked up the doll I relized
Do you mean crushed? Also i would Rearrange the sentence "My best friend, Ryan's, house was crushed in front of ours." To
My best friend, Ryan, His house was crushed in front of ours. The way that it is worded doesn't sound right if read out loud.
"I dropped the doll and looked around in shock. Everything I saw was crshed. I could make out the which houses were which based on their remains. My best friend, Ryan's, house was crushed in front of ours."
Too doesn't need two "O's"
"Everything I loved was gone. Nothing in this world mattered too more than my family."
Space after the comma of the and cryed is spelled cried.
"I thought. Though judging by my surrounding,the chances seemed pretty slim. I cryed until I heard I heard another cry."
their is there. Grey is spelled Gray
"I looked up and regretted it. 100 yards away their was a huge humanoid creature in the air. He was floating about 200 feet in the air. His skin or clothes (hard to tell) kept changing between grey and dark blue colors."
Those were just some grammar mistakes no offense was intended I really enjoyed reading this amazing job keep it up!