We arrived at the area in which we should have died. Nothing was different, besides the fact that everything was coved in a thin layer of gray stone.
"Well it's definetly dead, these are its remains. I didn't want to touch anything. Juliana just screamed "Ew," and ran back to the road.
"Here is the knife," said Yosiah.
He picked up a knife shaped rock and threw it against the wall. Sure enough the monster remains broke off and my knife fell to the ground.
"We can melt that and turn it into something much more useful tonight." Said Yosiah.
"Melt it? My uncle gave me that knife." I responded. I picked up the knife and examined the life saving tool.
"You can turn it into what ever you want, sword, arrows for a bow or crossbow, or just anything more helpful than a pocketknife." Said Yosiah.
He had a point, (no pun intended) a pocketknife will not do that good for fighting more monsters. If I have too.
"How can we get home?" I asked Yosiah. I wanted to see my family again. To make sure they were okay. I put my knife and my pocket and stared at him .
"You can't, not yet at least." Responded Yosiah. "You have to wait a week at least before you go back. Until those tattoos on your wrist finish setting in. As for me I can go back when ever I please." He closed his eyes and waved 2 fingers over his wrist, where he also had the same tattoo. He immediately disappeared. He literally just vanished. Juliana ran back up to the garage and asked me where he went.
"I don't know." I responded.
"YOSIAH" I called. No response.
"Did he just leav-" Juliana's sentence was cut short.
"Harry, I smell some retures over here!" Said a voice. The voice was scratchy, deep, and a lot like the hurricane beast.
Juliana ran behind a car across the street and I ran beside her. Out from behind the beast remains covered garage walked two big Red humanoid creatures. They at least 5 times smaller than the last beast of the Rift we saw. Yet they were still over twice my size. They both had blue beady eyes and a big green nose. One looked very manly and they other looked feminine. They both had baggy black pants and shirts on.
"Wow what a big'un that must of been." Said harry. The creatures were standing in the garage. They stared around looking at the hurricane beast remains like a kid looks at candy. The more feminine looking one slammed her big red fist into the garage floor breaking off some of the gray cement remains. She did something unthinkable. She ate the remains. I turned and looked at Juliana. She looked like she was going to vomit.
"Harry this is definetly fresh, delicious." Said the girl creature. Suddenly Yosiah appeared right in front of them laughing.
"Ha, did I get you two?" Said Yosiah it looked up, his face went from sarcastic to horror stricken. He quickly pulled out a knife from his pocket and got into an attacking position.
"Lucky day! We ge' some Rifter 'or desert too Amber!" Said Harry excitedly.
Amber ran at Yosiah trying to punch him. Yosiah side stepped and tried to stab at Amber, but Harry grabbed his arm and pinned him down. Knocking the knife out of his hand. Yosiah tried to hit the creature with his free hand, but it was like trying to knock the sand out of a titanium punching bag.
"You can't beat meh that eas'ly mister Rifter." Said Harry. He pulled in his fist to hit Yosiah. One punch and it would break ever bone in his face.
I gave Juliana my knife.
"Take this," I whispered.
"What what?" Said Juliana, confused.
"Let's deep fry him Harry! We wanna too keep em in one piece if we break em in two we can't eat em as well." Said amber in her scratchy deep voice.
"Wonderful idea Amber!" Said Harry.
I didn't"t know what to do. I picked up a pipe and yelled,
"HEY UGLY." Not my brightest moment, but they were about to deep fry my only way out of here so I couldn't let that happen.
"Omg Harry we get a Rifter each today!' Said Amber. She looked so happy.
I sprinited and picked up Yosiah's knife. Amber was running at me. I got the knife. Instead of side stepping like Yosiah I just threw the knife at her. Did I think this would work? No way, I have never thrown a knife in my life. But in my most unlucky day some luck was thrown my way. The knife cut through amber like butter. She exploded into a small patch of red and green cement.
"My wife! Why you killed my wife!" Said Harry. He let go of Yosia, picked up the knife that I had thrown, and ran at me. I tried to run away, but he was bigger and faster. He grabbed me and held me 10 feet in the air. I squirmed around but the nasty creature had a good grip on me.
"YOU KILLED MY WIFE, I WILL KILL YOU," Yelled Harry. He raised up the knife, but before he stabbed me, out of the corner of my eye I saw a glimmer of something shiny. My knife. It sliced through Harry like butter. He dropped me. I fell for the second time today. I hit some grass, but harry exploded. A patch of red and green cement covered everything, but my face. Yosiah and Juliana ran torwards me.
"We have 5 minutes before the cement sets completely, here. He tossed my pocket knife at Juliana, she grabbed it and they stabbed at the concrete best they could. Before long the had chipped the thin layer enough for me to break out. Juliana helped me to my feet.Yosiah just stared at us in amazement.
" You guys are really good at fighting," said Yosiah.
I ignored him and and turned to Juliana.
"Thanks for saving my life." I said.
"You would have done the same thing for me." Ressponded Juliana.
I turned back to Yosiah.
"What were those things?" I asked.
"Those were trolls, they are the vultures of the Rift. The feed of the remains of Rifters, and beast." Said Yosiah.
Juliana handed me my knife.
"What is a Rifter?" She asked.
"Humans that are in the Rift." He responded.
I looked around wondering if any more trolls would show up. I didn't want to see any others, I was exhausted, hungry, and still in shock from the whoe day. The sun was starting to set.
"Let's go get my bag." Said Yosiah.
"What bag?" I said.
"My bag I left I at the entrance of the neighborhood. It has food, water, and weapon making supplies. If you guys are going to survive here a week, your going to need better weapons than a pocket knife." Said Yosiah
He was right, a pocket knife was not going to cut it. He started walking down the road. Me and Juliana stood hesitant.
"Let's go guys, before more trolls show up!" Said Yosiah. Juliana and I both ran to Yosiah's side. We walked off, finishing our first of seven days in, the Rift.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello, Steggy here for a review!
I haven't read the previous chapters so if I get anything wrong, do let me know! I think the beginning of this chapter is a bit weak. Like, why should they have died? Did they want to die in that certain area? Perhaps you should expand more onto it and give some background information on it.
When it comes to dialogue with in this piece, it is scattered and little hard to grasp. But, that is okay because usually it is harder for some people to get ahold of it than other people. For example, when writing dialogue, think about when you are talking to someone. When do you stop talking to them? Usually the way I think of it is when they do an action or rather in the middle of an action. Like, "Could you pass me the milk?" Susan asked from the living room.
"Sure," responded Richard, grabbing the milk. Or something along those lines.
This certain paragraph shows just that. As I said before, think about when you are speaking to someone. So, at the end of when someone is speaking, be sure to use quotation marks to show that the person is done speaking. You should also keep in mind certain events that happen to keep the dialogue from going on/the certain dialogue endings too and what verbs such as 'he said' or 'he interjected' because those kind of show how the person is when they speak, I suppose.
This feels a bit awkward wording. Because what I'm thinking is the giant piece of the knife fell off but you don't quite state it, if that makes sense.
Like BlueAfrica said below me, this character is in love with his knife. So much, he would agree to finally burn it. Which seems a bit out of character for him mainly because it is his knife.
Another thing I noticed in this chapter was your use of caps to show someone yelling. In most cases, you would use exclamations marks because with caps, sure it seems like someone is yelling, but you wouldn't use it in writing. Also, with abbreviations, such as 'omg' or 'lol', you would write them out. Most people, like myself, hardly know internet slang and it would harder to know 'lol' stands for 'laugh out loud' rather than 'love or live'.
*sprinted and this scene is I believe your action scene. With scenes like this, you should focus more on one person rather than an entire group. Focus more on the lone wolf than the pack of lions (if that makes sense xP) also, when it does come to that, you could also use some description because as of right now I know they are running from a monster but what does the monster look like? It has a name, I'm assuming is Harry. Also, don't forget to capitalize Amber
Your ending comes quite quickly. Like, I feel you could've added more to it beforehand or maybe even after. Think of speaking, once again, in front of a crowd of people. If you ending is as equivalent to that of a mic drop, it isn't that strong. You did leave me in suspense as to what will happen next but I think you could've used it to a better use. Now, don't worry, this is a draft and there are always room for improvement.
Overall, you have a diverse amount of characters inside of this chapter. You have made some progress on what is happening in the Drift. While there are some spots that need to be leveled out, I do believe you are capable of doing so.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
First of all: *no pun intended*
Second of all: I think it's really funny that the MC thinks this, considering that he literally just saved Yosiah's life with a knife AND Juliana just saved HIS life with a knife AND apparently they escaped from the hurricane beast using a knife! Knives are turning out to be pretty darned useful, don't you think? No matter what Yosiah says.
You've got some really funny bits in here, which I especially appreciate in a story involving monsters and danger.
I also loved it when Yosiah popped back to where he had been, expecting to find his friends, and was all "ha ha I got you guys good!" and then suddenly realized, "Oh no, these are not my friends, they're monsters!" It was a great moment.
Plus I enjoyed the trolls. Like, they're monsters and they're scary and they want to eat you...but also they're married and wear clothes and have normal names and stuff, and it was just really different and kind of awesome.
I'm going to drop this here for you for the purposes of Dialogue Formatting, which I used to explain to everyone but now typically just use this image instead because it does a good job concisely.
Finally, back to the knife thing. I figure since the MC is so attached to his pocketknife, sentimentally, I mean, it seems like he agrees awfully quickly with Yosiah's suggestion here.
Especially considering that, as I said at the start, this life has actually proven very useful!
Thanks so much for the review and now that I read over everything, your totally right about the knife, thanks!
You're welcome!