z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Legend Keepers: PhoenixSight Chapter 3

by Eac101


Zachary

It was official: this was the greatest day of my entire life.

I'd had a lot of great days before - the day I found out my parents were going to adopt another kid - my little brother, Joey. The day when he arrived and first hugged me. The day my soccer team won the tournament.

But nothing, nothing seemed as great as this.

I headed down the hallway, checking the numbers of each door. 465, 466 - there it is! 467!

I prepared myself for meeting my new roommate and opened the door. But what I saw, sitting on one of the double sized beds, its piercing yellow eyes locking with mine, wasn't anything like I was expecting.

A wolf.

"What -" I began.

"Sorry we had to meet like this. Are you my roommate?" it said. I couldn't believe my ears. I guess I should have expected some weird stuff, given what I had learned in the past couple of hours, but not this.

"Are you...?" I started, but I trailed off.

"Warren Smith? Yeah, that's me," the wolf said, narrowing his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Zachary Stringer, but, uh... you can call me Zach." I noticed my suitcase was here already - Gabe must have brought it here earlier. I rolled it over to the closet and unpacked, trying not to make eye contact with Warren as I hung up my clothes. Discomfort seemed to fill the room. I finished and sat down on the bed.

"So..." I said, not sure what to talk about. Would he get offended if I asked him why he was a wolf? I was debating whether to question him or not when he spoke up.

"You're probably wondering why I'm a wolf," he said. I nodded.

"Please, don't freak out," Warren said. He took a deep breath. "I'm a werewolf, if you hadn't already guessed."

"Makes sense. I didn't realize they allowed werewolves here. How does that work?" I said.

He flicked his tail, obviously embarrassed. "Well, there's a lot of different types of Legends. Some are more like animals, such as dragons. Others are more humanoid - like centaurs, mermaids, and werewolves. The school accepts some of them here, but we don't summon our own Legends," he finished.

"Ok."

Still a bit uneasy, I analyzed the room. There was a window on one wall and a bathroom. Best of all, a TV. Sweet. But I was still confused about how I was supposed to share it with a werewolf.

"If you don't mind me asking," I started. "What's it like being a werewolf?"

"I don't mind it. It can be hard to understand," said Warren. "Most of the time we're human, except during the night of the full moon, and sometimes a couple days before and after. During that time we turn into... this," he said motioning with his snout to his body.

"We're much bigger than regular wolves, and have thicker fur, but we don't look anything like those creepy human-monster hybrids you see in movies." He chuckled. "This is my first time transforming, actually. Yearlings - thats what young werewolves are called - don't transform until they turn 14, which happened to me a couple of weeks ago."

"Cool. What was it like, transforming?" I asked.

Warren let out a low growl. "Painful. But once I got used to my wolf form, it became enjoyable in some ways." He shook out his gray fur and yawned, showing off his pale-white fangs. "Where are you from?" he asked.

"Alabama. What about you? Is everyone in your family a werewolf?" I said.

"I'm from Nashville - just a few hours from here. And yes, my parents are werewolves, but..." He stopped, his eyes clouding over.

"What is it? You can tell me" I said, trying to reassure him.

"I don't exactly have a family. You could say I'm an orphan."

"Oh..." I murmured. "I kinda know what that's like. A couple of my siblings are adopted."

His ears perked up. "Interesting. Don't pity me though, I have it off pretty well. I have a foster home. My guardian is also a werewolf. She takes in orphaned werewolves and raises them. They're my family - my pack." Warren curled up on the bed.

I reached for the packet from earlier and began to flip through the pages inside. "So," I began casually, "What are your interests?"

"I like most sports." Warren said. My mouth spread into a wide smile.

"Really? Me too!"

* * *

AN: Sorry for the short chapter, but I wanted to go ahead and get this out. There will be a longer chapter next, I promise. Hope you enjoy, and don't forget to comment and vote!


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377 Reviews


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Tue Aug 23, 2016 3:48 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello!
Snazzy here for a review! :D

"Please, don't freak out," Warren said.


This may just be me being totally oblivious to dialogue, but it seems like before, Warren was really cool, calm and collected. From the way he talked, all the way to his shining yellow eyes. I thought he was this rather "matter-of-fact" wolf, and then when he said "please, don't freak out", he kind of sounded like a teenage girl (again, might just be me). Plus, I would think Zach would have already totally freaked out (since he wasn't expecting it) by now. (and I would think Warren would sense that too.)

"Ok."


This is like when I text my friends 4 paragraphs of something, and they respond with "K". Warren just gave an amazing explanation, and I think he would do something else (even if it wasn't saying something else). For example: "Oh..." The word came out barely audible. Warren's answer left me with even more questions than I had in the beginning. (instead of just "Ok.")

It's totally fine on the length for this chapter! I just wish you had concluded on a more conclusive note (if that makes sense). It seems like to me, you just ended in the middle of a conversation (as Ripple pointed out too). I have a couple of suggestions:
1) end with one of Zach's thoughts - something about having a friend in a strange place, or enjoying it here after all.
2) end with one of Warren's or Zach's actions. Maybe they agree to go outside to try some sports out, and that's how the chapter ends.

Anyway, overall, this is pretty nice! Not a terribly original idea, but if you add a new spin on it, you could really make this your own! Good luck, and keep writing!

~Snazzy




Eac101 says...


Thank you for the review and suggestions! I have to admit to myself this isn't the best chapter I've written, and once I finish with the first draft, this is one I'm gonna come back and re-edit. Your critiques are always appreciated! Have a nice day!

~Eac101



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Sun Jul 31, 2016 8:41 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here, excited to review this piece. :D

Disclaimer: I have not read the other chapters of this work, so I am completely oblivious as to the rest of the plot.

It was official: this was the greatest day of my entire life.

I'd had a lot of great days before - the day I found out my parents were going to adopt another kid - my little brother, Joey. The day when he arrived and first hugged me. The day my soccer team won the tournament.

But nothing, nothing seemed as great as this.

I'm assuming that this is for college or something, but he seems really excited about it. Which, I suppose, is a good thing.
I headed down the hallway, checking the numbers of each door. 465, 466 - there it is! 467!

I prepared myself for meeting my new roommate and opened the door. But what I saw, sitting on one of the double sized beds, its piercing yellow eyes locking with mine, wasn't anything like I was expecting.

A wolf.

This is an excellent reveal. Very well-written. :)
Would he get offended if I asked him why he was a wolf? I was debating whether to question him or not when he spoke up.

"You're probably wondering why I'm a wolf," he said. I nodded.

This feels a bit redundant. Perhaps just have it in the dialogue only.
He flicked his tail, obviously embarrassed. "Well, there's a lot of different types of Legends. Some are more like animals, such as dragons. Others are more humanoid - like centaurs, mermaids, and werewolves. The school accepts some of them here, but we don't summon our own Legends," he finished.

This, I assume, relates to what I missed in the other chapters. However, it's a bit lengthy; maybe make it more of a conversation?
"I don't mind it. It can be hard to understand," said Warren. "Most of the time we're human, except during the night of the full moon, and sometimes a couple days before and after. During that time we turn into... this," he said motioning with his snout to his body.

"We're much bigger than regular wolves, and have thicker fur, but we don't look anything like those creepy human-monster hybrids you see in movies." He chuckled. "This is my first time transforming, actually. Yearlings - thats what young werewolves are called - don't transform until they turn 14, which happened to me a couple of weeks ago."

"Cool. What was it like, transforming?" I asked.

Warren let out a low growl. "Painful. But once I got used to my wolf form, it became enjoyable in some ways." He shook out his gray fur and yawned, showing off his pale-white fangs. "Where are you from?" he asked.

This all feels awkwardly out of character. This kind of explanational dialogue just doesn't occur in normal conversation. It pulls the reader out of the action.
His ears perked up. "Interesting. Don't pity me though, I have it off pretty well. I have a foster home. My guardian is also a werewolf. She takes in orphaned werewolves and raises them. They're my family - my pack." Warren curled up on the bed.

Again, the explanations don't translate well into dialogue.
I reached for the packet from earlier and began to flip through the pages inside. "So," I began casually, "What are your interests?"

"I like most sports." Warren said. My mouth spread into a wide smile.

"Really? Me too!"

This doesn't feel like a good wrap-up for the chapter.

Overall, this was really interesting. Keep writing!




Eac101 says...


Thank you for the review! It's great to hear feedback.

I was worrying that this chapter could be a bit of an explanation dump. Thanks for the suggestions. This is the first draft, so once I finish writing out the whole thing I'll make sure to come back to this review and fix stuff.

The story isn't about college aged students; they're actually going to a boarding school for 9th through 12th grade to learn how to train mythical creatures, called Legends. Hope that clears things up for you!

Happy Review Day!




But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore