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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey Erza! I'm so glad I get to review something of yours ^_^
So, the basic concept of this poem is easy enough to grasp. The narrator ended up falling in love with a person that doesn't see how much of an effect they have on the narrator. Basically they have this person wrapped around their little finger. Definitely not a healthy relationship, haha.
I do agree with the previous reviewer that your grammar is not entirely proper. I'm all for a little bit of visual creativity when it comes to poetry, but I feel like it should really have a meaning or purpose. For instance, this line
I am an idiot And you are stupid.
is a bit jarring. I don't think words like "and, or, the" etc should be considered important. They are just linking words and shouldn't ever really thought to have much meaning in poetry. Not that I really know much about those things, but to me poetry is supposed to be stingy with words; every single one should have meaning. People would spend hours in a thesarus looking up the perfect word. Or something x) To me, And doesn't hold meaning.
Next, I had a little trouble following the narrator's voice. They seemed like they were skipping around in their thoughts while talking to us.
I am an idiot And you are stupid.
You have done such a silly thing!
You changed my world.
I wonder if we will always remain friends...
Suddenly,
I am hoping for something more.
I think I am mad.
I'll take this bit as an example. It sounds like they're saying "You were so stupid! You did such a stupid thing!" and then was like "You changed my world <3 I wonder if we will always be friends..." It just felt odd.
As for the second stanza, at first I thought "mad" meant angry, not crazy like I think it was supposed to be. Try being more vivid and descriptive so misconceptions don't happen. something like "I think I'm going insane" can hold more meaning than "I think I am mad". or if you meant mad, describe this person like pulling their hair out and yelling or crying in frustration. It's all about conveying that emotion to the reader.
Overall, this is pretty good! I think it could be a lot more powerful if you focused more on adding in some flowery words or descriptions than being a deviant with your grammar. Let me know if I didn't cover something you were wondering about; I'd be glad to help!!
This is what I will call a sensible and whimsical piece of poetry!! Anyways this piece had to go through lots of typos and not workink line breaks and other stuffs so at least after reading it onr can finally get what I want to express. In this poem I used no visualization and all. It was just a piece through which feelings were expressed.
I really don't like this, sorry. It's hard to read and the grammar is all skewed. I understand not using perfect grammar in poetry, but this is just in need of a face lift. I don't even know where to start. Well, let me try.
After "Oh God" you should only have one exclamation point. This applies more than once.
It's not Running away from reality, Is when I first met you. It's Running away from reality is where I first met you.
Please don't use so many ellipses.
If and is used as a conjunction, it's not capitalized.
If you're going to capitalize you, do it consistently.
You don't capitalize after a comma.
Please look over this. Please, for your own sake.
I know all that tit bits if stuff but I had to go through some technical difficulties and poor network and stuff. The thing is I posted this poem with my cell phone. But, the line break did not work! Then I tried to alter few things but it did not work! And this did not turn out the way I wanted...like stanzas were to be divided differently etc etc but the line break was not working...just curse my luck! Anyways thanks for your advice.
I know all that tit bits if stuff but I had to go through some technical difficulties and poor network and stuff. The thing is I posted this poem with my cell phone. But, the line break did not work! Then I tried to alter few things but it did not work! And this did not turn out the way I wanted...like stanzas were to be divided differently etc etc but the line break was not working...just curse my luck! Anyways thanks for your advice.