You hold my secrets
bound within your pages
Some deadly ones, some pretty ones
Some aren't mine to tell
Hide your self between my insecurities
~
You hold my lies
bound within your pages
hurting from within
Dark and morbid
cloaked by the shadows
~
You hold the truth
Bound within your pages
it can set you free
or bury you deep
Then you'll never be found
~
You hold my life
Bound within your pages
Secrets and lies rolled in to one
both deadly and forgiven
From the crevices of my imagination
~
You are precious
Your pages are silk
your words are gold
Your cover is silver
You are the value of the earth
~
I am careless
I left you out
For the whole world to see
They know our secrets, our lies and our truths
And we are buried deep
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
hi! this is really good! In my opinion i think its a bit dark...
why don't you write something like this but make it a bit happier bring all the joy and happiness you have inside and express it through a poem about unicorns?? just a thought...
keep on writing!!!
I like what it is about but it does not roll of the tong very easily. It is very creative the part were it says your pages are silk your words are gold your cover is silver you are the value of earth I don't know why but I really like that part of it. Also I am careless I left you out for the whole world to see they know our secrets, our lies and our truths and we are buried deep it is really nice. I really would like to see some more of your work more of these great poems and stories too.
This is truly a beautiful and emotional poem, it has soul, depth, and mystery. There is one thing I would like to comment upon though, you might want to use commas and periods after each line.
Hey Epic!
When you have a break in a short story you use something to indicate a shift in time. This could be a space between paragraphs, or something like ~~~ centered in the page. If we apply that to Poetry, it is usually the break of time in a poem that indicates a ~~~ break in that space and time. It shows a complete stop of ideas and of movement.
Poems are not just art in the way they sound, like songs, they are also art in the way they look on the page. When you're painting a picture, you don't put things in the dead center of the page because it's going to draw the eye into the center and just drop it dead. Instead, you have to lead the eye around the page to keep it interesting, and give the page depth. With a poem, if you are centering it you're bringing a different weight to the poem.
I think your poem really has quite a lot of nice qualities about it. You're using language well to get across what you want to say and while some parts get a little preachy, I think you have a good handle on saying things in your own way and not taking other people's words to apply them to your poem. I'm really glad to see that you're so open with your words and thoughts.
I think there are some things that you can fix up immediately in this poem and it has to do with a long drawn out explanation of why I think it. Simply said, I think you should get rid of the ~ and the center alignment.
As for why:
Spoiler
Stanzas in poetry are, in my opinion, stanzas because they are drawing from one idea to the next idea. They are an interesting separation between ideas that already has a break in it. To add ~ means that the break is more than something a reader can flow across, it is a stop, like a valley rather than an emptiness that's just a grassland.
For that reason, I think you should just go with the empty space for your stanza breaks rather than indicating it with a ~. While I can understand that YWS is making all of your lines double spaced, there are ways to fix this too, and make it really look how you want it. Check out this article about how to do that: How to format your poetry on YWS
So basically, it breaks up the poem too much to have a ~ in there.
As for the centered text, well, it goes along the lines of this:
Spoiler
Instead of the start of the line and the end of the line weighing different, like a flag, we have an equality between the start and the end of the line, and the middle is actually what looks more important. Most of the time this isn't even a complete word. For that reason, it can look kind of tacky to have a poem centered on the page and it will feel and look much more official and respectable if it is off to one side or the other instead of looking like a Hallmark Card.
As for critiquing your poem as a poem, I think you get a little preachy at the end. What that means is basically that you're trying too hard to tell us something directly, like "Go unto the village and do good deeds!~" instead of attempting to show us what you want to say. To me this is mostly in the second to last stanza. You're showing us the book, and I really like that, but because it's so repetitive of "Your..." it feels really like you're trying to strike home an amazing point rather than just trying to describe this thing. If you broke it up more and wove the description into the sentence I think you would have a more aesthetically pleasing stanza. "You are precious / with your silk pages / and the golden words you hide, / your silver cover, / makes you the value of the earth." <- something like this, rather than what you have now. It keeps the poem moving rather than stagnant as you describe the item.
My last critique, is punctuation. Take it out or leave it in. Don't do this half-baked attempt at punctuating. You have two commas! That's it! If you take them both out, what happens? If you put in all the proper grammatical punctuation like the periods and stuff, what happens? Check it out and decide how you're going to write this poem. The same thing goes with your capitalization. Some of the lines you capitalized should not be capitalized according to how your first stanzas are capitalized. Consistency is key with punctuation and grammar. It's not wrong unless you break your own rules.
So all in all, I liked the message, I liked how you are working with the subject and I think it is a really good poem! There are things you can improve if you want to improve it, but I liked it.
Hello, I'm Phoenix and I'll be reviewing your poetry today!
Let me start out with how much I enjoyed reading your poem. The content is very well shown, and the words sound very nice, and proper together. My favorite stanza is
"You are precious
Your pages are silk
your words are gold
Your cover is silver
You are the value of the earth".
Secondly, there are a few things I noticed could use changing! It has to do with the format, first, you need more punctuation. Without it your reader would be reading without taking a breath, and that's not how people read. Punctuation is that stopping point where you take a breath, and sometimes commas that are used for dramatic affect (which you used in the third line of the first stanza). The end of a stanza does not equal a stopping point in reading, unless you add the proper punctuation. Also, you shouldn't capitalize the beginning of every line, unless it's the beginning of a new sentence, or it begins with 'I".
Your poem is lovely, and I really enjoy it! Keep writing and never give up! Have a lovely day!
so this is my review
first off, I'd like to point out that within is one word not two
the poem is really good, I liked it. it tells a story of something a lot a people go through.
I don't really have anything else to say but, good job
keep at it
Hi! kam here with a quick review!
Okay, lemme just start off by saying this whole things is actually really amazing in its simplicity. You don't take paragraphs upon paragraphs to explain things with poetry, and yet you get very deep with the few words you use! I'm gonna start off with spelling/grammatical errors, followed by what I like and what I think could be improved upon!
1) spelling/grammatical errors
In the whole thing I didn't catch very many, and all your grammar seems fine. Besides, I know its poetry and sometimes grammar doesn't fit with the way it is presented!
Okay, in the third stanza you 'misspelled' the word within. Because within is one word, and the second sentence( "...bound WITH IN your pages.."). WITH IN should be simply within, because you do it correctly in the sentence right below that.
Other than that, I see no obvious errors!
2) My enjoyments of the poem
So, to expand on the summary I used to begin this review, I really like the feel and topic of the poem. You took something so simple, old and something almost everyone has had, and just showed its secrets to the world. Showed how diaries can be super important to someone, like their most prized possession to someones gold or silver, and you also destroyed it. All the secrets and lies and such hidden inside those sacred pages, exposed for the world to watch and read and exploit.
You have a very good sense of vocabulary, while not making anything to wordy or unnecessary. I really love the style of the poem, and the freelance way of writing it. Rhymes are unneeded and you really just made a whole book in a short 6 stanzas. Incredible
3) Improvements
I don't really see any, in my personal opinion. I feel like everything is just fine the way it is. It could be longer or shorter or anything you really want but in reality this poem is amazing just the way it is. I adore it and it really can speak to so many people because it is such a common item.
Keep writing! You're very good at it!
~Kam
Thanks