(I promised a few months ago I would write this and here it is!)
Prologue:
It was just another normal day. Tylor had just got out of school for the day. He got off the bus and said bye to his friends as he walked to his house. As he walked he thought of what he should do when he got home. He had finished all his homework at school and did all his chores in the morning. All he had to do was mow the lawn, but he couldn’t get to the lawnmower until his father got home and unlocked the garden shed for him.
He arrived at his house. He unlocked the front door and went in. After kicking off his shoes and leaving his school bag at the front door he flopped out on the couch.
“Man, I’m bored,” Tylor moaned to himself. “What should I do?” That’s when he noticed the Playstation 2 sitting in front of the T.V. “Ahh, that’s what I’ll do.”
He opened the cupboard beside the system and searched through his library of games. His attention was drawn to one of his older, Playstation 1 games called Final Fantasy 8. It was an old game, and he had beaten in just last week, but it was his favourite Final Fantasy game.
So he popped in the first disc, checked his memory card for free space and turned it on. When the main menu screen rolled up he selected New Game.
The T.V. began acting strangely. The main menu began to fuzz in and out before it started spiralling like the colours in a can of paint. It began to shine brighter and brighter. Tylor’s surroundings started to disappear. His hand began to de-materialize. The process continued up both his arms and to the rest of his body. The particles were sucked into the T.V. screen. And throughout this whole process the only thing Tylor could think was, What the hell’s going on?!
(Please note that chapter 1 disappeared from the fan fiction archives a while ago. You can find a copy of it in my blog, as well as copies of all the rest of my literary works.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
A done a billion times before plot opening, but its hard to be original with that kind of opening device. A nice opening, a tad short, but I'll start reading your chapters and see how your promise turns out.
Hmm... Can't say FF 8 is one of my favorites. I guess that's because I've never played. I like 9 and 10, as well as Crystal Chronicles.
Anyway, I'll read the story.
okay...sounds good, but one error:
this should be either:he had beaten it just last week, or: he had beaten it in just one week. otherwise, though i've heard this plot before, it will still draw my attention.
i've also seen this storyline many times but i've never seen it in final fantasy
Cool. Yay.
I was hoping that it wasn't going to be one of those, you're too good of a writer for that, Dynamo. 
Got that right. If you want to know exactly what happens I posted an introduction poll for my story a while back to see if anyone would want to read it. It's called: Inside the game: Final Fantasy 8. If you're the type of person who hates beat-the-game-to-go-home stories then I suggest you do, cause this isn't going to be one of those stories. You find that out further into the story, like when they're going off to their first SeeD mission in Timber.
Heeey... No offense, Dynamo, but I've seen this story structure before. Your character gets sucked into the game and gets to fight alongside his favorite video game characters, am I right?
Bah! Sentence structuring is a literary war for me, a war I've been losing thanks to my exchange student program to Japan that didn't let me get any practice for 7 months. I promise the following chapters will be better... I hope.
hey dynamo..
The way you have structured your sentences are making it a bit boring and monotonous.
You also emphasize it when you keep referring to your character as [ He did this, he did that] i think you should try and be a bit more descriptive and try build up the suspense, that way i think it would improve your story a lot otherwise other readers won't really want to read it as they lose interest in the beginning