Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Wow that was really well done. The whole thing flowed very smoothly throughout and you really made us very invested in the main character from the very short amount of time we got to know her and that is not an easy thing to do so great job with that.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“Sarah!” My mom calls in through the door. “I’m leaving!”
I mumble a response to her, still lying in bed.
“I’m taking Becca with me!” she pauses. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah…” I say groggily, burying myself deeper into the covers to try and deny the fact that I would have to get up in a few minutes.
Very relatable beginning there. I have to say not the most eye catching. It seems very standard and doesn't really make an effort to hook a reader in but that being said its not a horribly boring one either so it's sort of neutral.
Downstairs I hear the two of them heading out the door and then the final slam as their finally gone. I smile and pull the blankets up over my shoulders. The house is mine.
YES. This is exactly what you feel when that happens.
My alarm suddenly blares and I hit it to turn it off, rolling over onto my back. Slowly, I open my eyes.
Uh Oh. That can be terrifying. One thing to note though is that I assume this is a transition to sometime after the mother has left from the way its written so you should put a few dots or something to indicate that or else phrase it to sound more like its happening directly after the previous events have taken place.
This is all wrong. This can’t be. It isn’t possible. Why can’t I see?! I slam my hands into the bed on either side of me. Who knows why. Maybe it’s one of those, hit it and it’ll work things.
It doesn’t. Everything’s still black.
Oh dear that does not sound good.
My brain begins working a mile a minute. This can’t be real. Maybe someone’s playing a joke. Did they blindfold me? That seems like a ditzy mistake that I would make. Yeah. That must be it. I’m making a ditzy mistake and in a few minutes someone’s going to come bursting through the door and laugh hysertically at how dumb I am.
I laugh hesitantly, slowly reaching my hand up to feel for the blindfold.
It’s not there.
My breath starts to catch in my chest. It’s a joke, I tell myself. It must be something about this room. Must be.
You are so far doing a great job of showing us the situation that this person is in and how terrified they must be feeling in a situation like the one that they are in.
The floor falls out from under me and I tumble forward. I hit my shoulder and twist around to try and catch myself at the bottom and scrape my shin along the stairs. When I come to a rest, I lie there for a moment, hardly daring to move. I look up to where the ceiling should be, but there’s nothing but blackness.
Ouch that must have hurt.
Somewhere in front of me a car drives along my street. The dog barks next door. One of the neighbors’ kids rides by on his bicycle. But I can’t see them.
I close my eyes and lean my head against the beam, starting to cry. I pray Mom will get home soon.
Oh dear. I really hope that this was something temporary. I can't bear to think of this poor kid suffering from having gone blind all of a sudden. Its just too sad to imagine so I just assume hat Mom came home, took her to the doctor and everything was fixed.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: I have to say this is really well written and you're portrayal of the horror and confusion that is running through our main character as they attempt to figure out what's going on and then come to that horrible realization is really well done and you can just imagine it so vividly. It's a wonderfully written piece that you have here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253238
Reviews: 4095
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