Removed by the author for purposes of publication.
I apologize for the inconvenience.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
"everyone that are so obsessed with climbing them!"
It should be "Everyone that IS so obsessed..." or "Everyone WHO IS..."
I wasn't impressed with the beginning, though I give you props for keeping me reading. I was surprised they were watching a play. What play were they watching? It seemed more like a beauty pageant, because even though Charlie didn't really care about the girls up there, that was still the focus of it.
The middle part, where it's just Charlie and Gwennan (I like it!) are standing alone and they talk about heroes and gods. It has a completely different feel than the rest of the story. It's a little romantic, but not saturated with sexual tension, like there's a sort of comfortableness they have with each other. A+
"The moonlight played along her face, sparkling in her brown eyes and making her skin an even paler shade than usual. The light reflected in her long dark hair as it curled gently around her bare neck and shoulders. The mood shimmered in the fabric of her dress as it hugged her small frame, displaying graceful curves and a narrow waist. Everything about her seemed to have been transformed and I couldn’t remember ever having seen her more beautiful. "
This part seems a little forced to me. I guess I'm just not crazy about stopping and describing a character. I think it would sound better if you mingled it with some verbs...actions...movement...emotions...anything.
"This was the kind of scene that you saw on movie posters for chick flicks. And yet, while the girl of my dreams was standing right in front of me, she wasn’t waiting to be kissed. She was demanding to know why the heck I was still standing there. "
I love this.
Well...good job. Your work is generally good.
-Sarah
I do have this strange urge to continue this (especially since you guys have now put this "novel" idea in my head). I have fallen in love with Charlie and Gwennan's characters and in all honesty, Amy, Maria, Jason and Rick have got me really curious to see what I could do with them.
But I have several stoppers (i.e. this would have to take place in a public school setting, something I'm not at all familar with, this is from a guy's POV, something I've never done before, it's realistic fiction, not fantasy, and there's a foriegn exchange student which would mean I would have to go reasearch Italy and it's culture, something I'm not used to doing) that would either a) give me a challange and keep me interested in the story, or b) make me struggle with each page and frustrate me to the point that I'd drop it. I have no idea which at this point.
*has a sudden idea* oh, dang... I think I may have just found an idea that would make me REALLY want to write more... dang it... *wanders off to do some thinking*
Nope, I feel it too. It seemed incomplete, but not in a bad way. It seems like you could make this into a series of short stories or even a (dare I say it?) novel. You have a cool cast here that you could easily expand, develop their personalities more fully, mix in some subplots and you'd be good to go.
Speaking of novels, I know I haven't started reading the Bearer and sending you my comments yet, but I promise it's on my to-do list... I'll get there eventually.
Yeah, sorry. My comment was kind of all over the place--and your reasoning makes sense. That's what I get for attempting to review a story at 2 am!
Still, I wish I has more insight into Gwennan's character--her background and such. Is it just me, or is there something about this story that just screams sequel (or novel)?
Thanks for the comments, Shriek, although I have to admit, I laughed when I was reading your post because you answered alot of your own questions. You asked how they conversed so easily when they seemed to be from completely different worlds and then you said that it felt like she was holding back. She was.
She never made any mention of anything personal to her. She was simply ranting. There was absolutely nothing in what she said that made her more vulnerable to Charlie in any way. Gwennan was modeled after me, and in all honesty, I would have no problem shouting any of the things that Gwennan said at the top of my lungs to any random stranger that I met on the street.
So, basically, Gwennan never opened up to Charlie at all, if that makes any sense.
lol. That's one I haven't heard before.
Thanks. I'll fix those as soon as possible. *mumurs something about it not being a piece written by Dusky without the proper (extremely large) number of typos* *laughs*
*smiles* me too...
Thanks for all the comments, Ari.
As a rant, this was perfect. As a story, however, I felt that this was... lacking, somehow.
Charlie and Gwennan, from your description, sound like they're from two completely different worlds--how is it that they converse so easily? I would expect more resistance from her, and more begging (kinda) from him. I did like her rant, but why is it that she opens up to him so easily?
At the same time, though, I felt like she was kind of holding back. If Gwennan is going to completely break the dams and let loose with this rant (to someone who seems to be a complete stranger to her, nonetheless), I would at least like to hear her situation. What was causing her to say these things, to feel this angry? I was sad when she walked away because her words had such power behind them, but at the same time, I had no idea what she was talking about!
Okay, I'm making no sense.
Anyway, nicely written, especially for a first copy. Gah, I'm so jealous of your talent, Dusky.
Wow... I really liked this. I thought you could have ended more strongly, with more of a resonant note, but other than that... *two thumbs up* *and pinky toe up too*
I think one of my favourite things about this was how many things really rang true. You usually like performances when they're people you don't know. Otherwise, little things they say and do seem unrealistic just because you know them personally and know something of their personality and little idiosyncrasies. I agree that Charlie (Merciful heavens, I love that name...) is a bit too feminine, but I think you can fix that. Try to make more of a distinction between the male and female dialogue. Like if a girl would say, "That sounds great!" a guy would probably say, "Yeah. Sounds cool." or something like that. A little sterotypical, I know, but in a piece this short we don't get a whole lot of opportunity to get acquainted with the characters, so I think you have to lean on those type of sterotypes at least a little bit (girls more enthusiastic (especially cheerleaders) and much where talkative, whereas guys have to "play it cool" and usually say less because of it).
I caught a couple of typos:
The auditorium was packed, every person staring rapt at the shifting emotions on stage. Should be 'raptly' or 'staring with rapt attention' or 'staring, enraptured,' or something like that.
The principle was just behind them, waiting to lock up.
Wrong principle, lol. Should be "principal."
“Did Rick send you with the details for out date Saturday?” Gwennan glared at me fiercely, pure intensity flooding her eyes.
Should be "our" instead of "out."
But that's all I really caught. Though I think I agree with Snoink about the description. Little things, like how they nearly trample some little freshman leaving their seats or something like that would really help create more of an image of what's going on around them.
But I think my favourite part:
She took a step back, shaking her head slightly. “What part of ‘I’m sick of it’ don’t you get? I’m sick of the people, of the mindsets. I’m sick of everyone trying to grab what they can now instead of building for the future! I’m sick of everyone trying to blame all their problems on the rest of the world instead of admitting that maybe they had something to do with it. They’re always saying that they didn’t do anything. Well, if that’s really true, than maybe that’s the problem.”
SO. TRUE.
I have a friend that I love to death, but she wastes all her study hall times, doesn't get her homework done that night, and then comes to school the next day griping that she has too much going on to get it done, and how the teachers aren't teaching right, or the material is too confusing or her mom wouldn't leave her alone to study, etc. etc. But, of course, it's never HER fault that she's lazy and procrastinates.
I love that rant. It's a fantastic rant. The most beautiful rant I've ever seen in all my life.
Lovely piece.
Mesh - thanks for the critique. I'm gonna try to get around to editing this this weekend.
Shadow - lol. Bottle talent? I'm not sure I like the sound of that... this won't be painful will it?
Dusky i am seriously going to bottle your talent soon, your an amazingly talented writer! Honestly, right up there with all my favorite published people
This is so cool and like always all my little nit picks have been mentioned by other people so all i have left to say is how wonderful your rant is!
Description and flow, eh? Glad to! but, this is still me, so I'll have other comments, too. and "hott".. eh, why not? if it's written froma guys POV.. it kinda makes sense (yes, I can say this, as several of the guys I know do spell it that way.. often with even more "ts". but I digress).
My biggest gripe here is that Gwennen seemed too.. good to be true. But, it makes sense, if Charlie likes her so much, so.. maybe tone it down a bit.. don't tell us quite so much... show a bit more. take this passage..
and expand a few bits. if she doesn't talk the same way.. emphasis that when she speaks.
here:
how does he know all this? unusually observant? Uproars are noticable, but how does he know she doesn't want to cause problems? maybe showing something about this part of her personality..
ack. seems a bit.. cheesy to me. point taken, but maybe find another way to say it?
how close are they sitting to the stage? If it's far enough back to be talking and not getting yelled at by a lot of people, how woule he be able to see her facial expressions? Even sitting in a make-shift pit right in front of the stage, it's hard to see details like jaws clenched.. not smiling I can see, though. arg, pun not intended. maybe body language would make more sense?
following dialogue between Rick and Jason sounds a bit forced after reading it a few times. but I love the "I'm the single one, remember?" part. that was hilarious.
um.. I think it's a bit much on the description, here... well, the loaded adjectives, anyway. I'm hesiant to pick too much, though, as you write description so sparsely as it is.. so maybe play with it some? the essence is fine, just over-sold. Dialogue between him and Gwen is good.
mean "don't"?
Ok, I'm done nit-picking. Now.. I didn't really get any flow stuff, did I? wait, yes, I did. well, sort of. There are places where the dialogue and despcription don't run together as well as they could... mostly the more lengthy passages; the two parts seem a bit disjointed.. like you realised no one had said anything in a while, and you wanted to hurry it along. anyhoo, it wasn't a huge deal to me, so Dusky, I'll say it again. A job well done.
btw.. "'You’re right. She might fit in with Martians.' " that was killer. good point to show what others feel about Gwen.
You're not the only one's who spell hot with two t's... I remember a friend of mine going on a rant about it once... lol
This is really amazing. You're powers of description and the phrases you turn out are amazing. My fav is "no, you have to wake up to live life, and you have to live life to change it." I knew the setting, but then, I kinda figured out where this was going really quick... probably because I'm your sis... I'll try to be more objective in future when I read your stuff...
Thanks for the comments guys.
*blinks* thank you... *wonders if the phrase "nice rant" really is an oxymoron or whether it just seems that way to her*
If all that happened when I ranted was something like this, then I would be agreeing with you right now... unfortunetly, I also ended up staying up until 4 in the morning working on this, too upset to sleep. This got alot of junk out of my system, thank heaven.
Um... just description and flow, I guess. Those are the things I've been working on most lately.
Yeah... I can see that. And I can see places where Charlie should definately be more agressive. I'll go back and work on that. But hey, it's my first time ever trying to write something from a guy's point of view, so I'm thinking it was just good that I tried it! *is semi-proud of herself*
*looks shocked* misspelled?! lol. I forget that only me an' my friends spell it that way.
And I also forgot that the way guys talk about girls in front of girls is different than what they say alone. I'll try to pump this up a little bit more.
Thanks. The name Gwennan just demanded that it have an awesome character attatched (at least in my mind anyways). I've been saving the name up for years.
*rereads story* arg... you're right... *goes to work in some description*
It was rather a nice rant...
But yeah. I thought the whole exchange between Charlie and his friends was far too low key- especially on the subject of girls. Could just be the guys I hang out with, but it would never, ever be like that. And pick a more creative/colorful description other than 'hot'. Or as you misspelled it, 'hott'.
I really liked the character of Gwennan- she's sort of uncoventionally beautiful, in body and in mind. Her rant was totally awesome (don't we all feel like that sometimes? Argh!).
I do think you need to add in a bit more description of setting, though. I couldn't figure out until the end where they were...which is sort of a problem, of sorts. You focus too much on the dialogue than the rest of the story, which makes it seem really unbalanced.
Other than that...very nice, Dusky!
Read all of it.
Not "too" but "to."
Also... when I first read it, I thought Charlie was a girl. You focused too much on his feelings and not enough about what was happening. Anyway, he seems too passive, so I think you might want to make him just seem a little agressive.
Nice rant though.
gods, dusky. I'm going to come back in the morning and attempt a review. at this time of night, you blew me away completely. and just a rant? jeesh, I kinda hate to say it, but you should rant more often. you never cease to amaze me. also, anything you want me to look at here, just for writing improvement puproses? if so, i'll be more than glad to help, ok? keep up the good work (no matter what the work is).