Prologue
The Dragons started it. They always do, though they never seem to know what it is that they are doing while they’re doing it. Afterwards they always take responsibility for it. They always do what they know they should. And they’ve gained so much of a reputation of being initiators and leaders that I doubt that they could stop even if they wanted to. Everyone expects it of them and everyone respects them for what they are.
The Griffins respect them for their physical power. They admire the Dragon’s strength and their abilities to win wars. For while Dragons had entered into few wars, they had lost even fewer, though they bought each victory at a great cost. The Griffins admired them for that.
The Unicorns respected Dragons because the Dragons respected them. Dragons let the Unicorns have their space and let them follow whatever laws they saw fit, as long as they didn’t encroach on the other species that they lived among. And so the two got on very well, even though they rarely saw eye to eye.
And Humans… Humans respected the Dragon, but more so they envied them. Dragons had everything that they wanted. They had power and a say in the happenings of the world. They had strength, dangerous claws, scales that covered their entire bodies like armor built into their skin, wings to take them wherever they wanted to go, and fire that they could cast from their very mouths. But most of all, Dragons had magic, and Humans wanted it. Humans wanted this strange thing that could make objects appear out of thin air. They wanted the power to make things grow and heal. They wanted the power to read the minds of others and to cast up storms where there had only been clear skies. They wanted the power to control.
And as I said, the Dragons started it, though they didn’t know it at the time. They learned of a way to save Human children who were near death by giving them a part of themselves: their breath. The Dragons called them Dragon Children, or in their ancient tongue, Atils and Atilias.
After that the Dragon Children were only half Human, the other half was Dragon. They could turn into Dragons at will. They could keep their Human bodies and add Dragon parts such as wings or scales. They had all the strengths of Dragons and almost all the respect among the Unicorns, Griffins, and Humans. And they also had Dragon magic. And while the Humans envied it, they also feared it and those who carried it.
The Humans continued to fear them. Because they could take Dragon form, they hated them. Because they could breathe fire, they annihilated them. Because they had such power, they attacked their very roots to this earth.
Gradually the Human’s fear spread to the Unicorns and Griffins. But not nearly as strongly, for they had magic of their own, though it was as strong as that of the Dragons. But just the same, they feared them. And all these species had a pride that they could not forget. To cover their fear they put the Dragon Children down. They made the Children believe that they weren’t good enough.
But soon after the Dragon Children came into existence, something else happened, something the Humans were much happier about. Human children began to be born with magic. Few other than the Dragons actually knew that it was because of the Dragon Children that that happened. No one stopped to notice that it was actually the Dragon Childrens’ children that appeared with these strange abilities, and no one stopped to notice that it was only diluted Dragon magic that these children were wielding. They only noticed what they wanted to; that they were completely human except for these strange powers that they had suddenly developed. And for some reason the Humans weren’t afraid of them.
Over the generations the Dragon magic diluted even more, until there was no way to link the Dragon magic with this new Human magic. The magicians became more and more common. There were schools for them all over the Human Lands. Magicians walked down the streets without having to hide it. In fact, most Humans were proud to have magic or at least someone in the family who did. Magicians were held in high esteem. The magic passed from generation to generation, and instead of fading out like most genetic traits would, it grew stronger and stronger. Children were born with more magic than they knew what to do with. They came to be known as Storehouses because they stored large amounts of magic inside their bodies and also gave it off into the air around them. And before the magicians had been limited to one specialty, such as mind reading or shape shifting. But suddenly there were those that could do all of it, from controlling the weather to healing the sick. The Magicians were becoming very powerful indeed.
And then the Humans did begin to fear. The Magicians were becoming too many and too powerful and they knew it. They were no longer servants to the rest of society, doing jobs that no one else could do, but a society of their own. And should they ever turn against the rest of the Humans, those without magic would never survive.
Their fear ate away at them until they were convinced that there was only one way to solve the situation: to get rid of the magicians. The nest ten years were not safe for any Human who had magic. The King of the Human Lands was determined to destroy them all. But it was not as easy as he at first thought. The Dragons harbored the Humans in their lands when it became especially unsafe to be in the Human Lands. The Unicorns and Griffins followed the Dragon’s example and did the same. The King knew there was no way he could reach them there, or at least he thought he did.
But after ten years of chasing Magicians here and there we was not the only one who was tired. There was a small band of Magicians that were sick of running. They were ready for it to be over at any cost… almost. They were not willing to kill the others, as the King wanted them to. Instead they told him of another option. There was a way to send them to another realm, a world that they would not be able to escape from if the King guarded the five Gates that led to it. The King was not convinced that it would work. He knew that at least one of those Gates was in the Dragon Lands, perhaps even two. So he argued with them, saying that the Dragons would simply bring the Magicians back after they had banished them to the other realm.
The King hatched a plan of his own and made them follow his orders. He made them not only banish the magicians, but everyone that held magic, including the Dragons, Unicorns, and Griffins. They hated themselves for doing it, and when the task was finished they banished themselves to the other realm as well. What they did not know, was that there was a small group of Dragons had managed to stay behind in the realm they had been born into. The King didn’t take long to notice however, and he forced them to run, powerful though they were. The Dragons placed themselves in a set of caves and there they started something else.
They called it the Ciani. The Ciani was an underground society formed by the few remaining Dragons. They did the only thing that they knew to do. They continued to save the lives of Human children and make them half-Dragon, until there were more Atils and Atilias in the caves than Dragons. Gradually their numbers grew until they had to find other places to live. Some found new caves and moved there. Others dug their own underground tunnels. Slowly but surely they began to spread throughout that entire world.
On the Surface, Humans forgot what used to be. Magic and Dragons became things of legend. And while many knew of the Ciani, only the Royal line knew exactly what they were. Every King for hundreds of years kept the secret of what the Ciani was and sought to find them and send them through to the other realm. But for all their fear of them, they aided the Ciani in growing larger. One King made it legal to kill and unborn child, calling it an abortion. The Dragons saved these unborn children and they added to the numbers of Ciani.
Most of the population of the Ciani had now been born in the caves and they became an even larger threat to the Surface People, since they no longer had any attachment to the people above them. These Dragon Children were born among Dragons and it was all they had ever known. They had no reason to love the Surface People, but they had every reason to hate them. They had been rejected before they even entered the world, and now they had a price on their heads.
They could have left. The Dragons had discovered a sixth Gate into the other realm that was in the caves they occupied. But they were not ready to give up the world of the Humans, their old world. But the Gate did allow them to communicate with the other Dragons.
Wars raged in the Surface. But the Ciani stayed underground, safe and almost untouchable. The doors were magicked so that no one could see them, except those that had magic of their own. And mostly the Ciani just stayed put.
But when there was a rebellion on the Surface things changed. The Royal line was broken and the people put a new king on the throne, one that did not know what the Ciani were. He did not know of the power that they held. He did not know their history, or why they were such a threat to him. But he wanted them destroyed. Things were not safe anymore.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Few typos, but apart from that, I liked this new development. I can really see these characters, the way you write they really *do* seem real. I'll try and do a proper critique later tonight, but don't have time right now. So, will hopefully be done later!
Yeah. Most of this is pretty implausible. It needs some major reworking. *shudders* I'll work on it.
Chapter 11
Escaping was almost easy. The King wanted me brought to him instead of coming to me himself. The two guards that were escorting me stopped to talk to one of the King’s messengers on the way and while they were looking away, I turned myself invisible. I am sure that it is very disconcerting to physically feel that you are holding onto someone’s arm and then to look over and see only thin air. Both guards let go immediately and began searching high and low for me, while I quietly slipped away.
I had to smile. Being invisible had to be the most fun I had ever had on the Surface. It was the first time that I could remember being comfortable on the Surface. But it was also very dangerous for the Ciani. People would notice things like noises coming from thin air or things falling over for seemingly no reason. And if news of those things ever made it to the King’s ears, he was bound to link it to the Ciani. It was better to not be invisible at all. So as soon as I felt that I was far enough away from the palace, I turned myself visible again.
Before long I was back at the caves that were so familiar to me. Stren was standing at the door, as if waiting for someone.
“Falcon?” He stared at me as I came closer. “Is that you?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“What?”
“Ilen said that you were back.”
I stared. How could he have known?
Stren grabbed my hand. “Come with me.” He dragged me inside the caves and through the halls to Ilen’s office. He pushed me inside and closed the door after himself. Ilen and Diren turned from whatever they had been doing and faced me.
“What did you think you were doing?” Ilen demanded. “Did you forget why we sent you through the Gate in the first place?”
I looked down at my hands. “Sorry, I must have missed that part.”
“This is not a joke, young lady,” Diren told me. “If you don’t listen to us, you could put us all in danger.”
“I have been listening. But I don’t hear you saying much.”
“I’m sorry that we can’t tell you everything that you want to know. But you can’t just decide to come back.”
“You’re going back through the Gate,” Ilen said. “And you’re staying there.”
“No,” I said.
Diren and Ilen stared at me. “What?”
“I’m not going.”
“Every moment that the Gate stays open is a moment that the Riders might find it.”
“Then tell them to close it, I’m not going.”
“Falcon…”
“You’ve been lying to me for years and now you expect me to do exactly what you say, no questions asked? I’m sorry. I won’t do that.”
“It’s not safe for you here anymore.”
“Then maybe you should have sent me through the Gate when you first found out who I was.”
“Or at least not have brought her to the palace with you,” Stren muttered behind me.
“Strength,” Diren said. “This is really none of your business. Maybe you should leave.
“She’s my friend. It’s my business,” he countered.
“Why did you take me to the palace?” I asked.
Ilen and Diren looked at each other, but neither said a word. An idea suddenly came into my head and though I didn’t want to believe that it was true, I said it anyway. “You wanted the King to know that I was Erynn, didn’t you?”
“No,” Diren shook his head. “We only wanted him to know that we had Erynn.”
Stren and I stared at them.
“You were going to use Falcon as a bargaining chip?” Stren was just as angry as I was.
“No. We were going to use Erynn as a bargaining chip.”
“What difference does it make?” Stren nearly yelled. “You’re still putting the same person in danger.”
“You have to understand,” Ilen began. He turned to me. “You are our only hope of ever getting ever getting out of these caves at this time. And this may be the last chance that we ever get. The King was never supposed to know exactly who Erynn was. He was only supposed to know that she still existed. We were taking every precaution.”
“I don’t care!” I snapped. “You should have told me before you risked my neck.”
“Falcon! Calm down.”
I sat down in one of the chairs, closing my eyes.
“Falcon.” Diren knelt in front of me and lifted my chin. I opened my eyes and met hers. They were green dragon eyes, flecked with gold, the one thing that made it obvious that she was a Dragon. “It’s going to be all right. Things change, that’s the only way we move forward. This is just one of those changes.”
“But I’m not moving forward,” I whispered.
“Not while you’re fighting it, no.”
“I—”
Suddenly the alarm went off.
“They’re back,” Ilen muttered. He looked at me firmly. “You must go back through the Gate.”
I knew that he was right. I wasn’t going to help anything by staying and it was highly possible that I would hurt something. I looked over at Stren. There was a look in his eye that told me that he didn’t want me to go. But I knew that he understood that I had to, just like I did.
I ran out the door. I couldn’t make myself stand there and say good-bye to him again. I should never have come back. I ran towards the Gate. After a moment I heard hurried footsteps ahead. I ignored them and kept going, nearly running into a blonde haired girl.
I stared. It was Princess Elana. I just started running again. If she was already in, the soldiers had to be inside also. I didn’t have much time to get to the Gate. The Princess ran after me and before I knew it, we were both standing in front of the Gate, me staring at her and she staring at the shifting cave wall.
I had to step through, but she was standing right there and I had no idea what she would do if I walked into a wall and disappeared. And then again, what choice did I have? So I stepped forward into the Gate.
The world melted into absolute white all around me. Something was very wrong. The world of the caves had vanished but the world of River and Distance had not appeared. I whirled around. There was nothing but white. And there was Princess Elana standing a few feet away from me. Slowly, the world faded into blackness.
* * *
River was bending over me. The ceiling loomed above her.
“Falcon, wake up.”
I shook my head a little bit, trying to make the world come into focus, realizing a little too late that it was a bad idea. My head HURT. “What happened?” I asked, sitting up. The world spun a little as I did and I missed the first part of what she said.
“—trying to close the Gate.”
“I’d forgotten about being in the caves, but all of it cam flooding back now; escaping from the palace, talking to Ilen, running from Princess Elana, the whiteness, and Princess Elana being in the whiteness with me.
I looked around. I was back in River and Distance’s house, in the room they had given me. So I must have made it back. But why hadn’t it worked like before?
“What happened?” I asked again.
“You came through while we were trying to close the Gate. If we’d kept in open any longer the Riders would have found it. What in earth’s name did you think you were doing going back there?”
I wasn’t really listening. They had put another bed on the other side of the room. Princess Elana was lying on it.
“Is she a friend of yours?” River asked, seeing where I was looking.
“Definitely not.” I wanted to laugh at the idea of her being my friend, but this was no laughing matter. She didn’t belong here.
“Who is she?”
“Princess Elana Shaltz.”
River stared at me. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
I shook my head.
River looked back and forth between us and then rushed from the room.
* * *
“Please tell me. Where am I?” Princess Elana begged. Distance looked at me, seeking an answer that she could give her.”
I put down the book I was reading. “This is Filnar. We’ve fallen through to the other side of the world.”
The princess frowned. “This is not a joke."
“You’re right.” I picked my book back up.
“Then where am I?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.” I continued reading.
“You’re both Valeens,” Distance said abruptly. I nearly dropped my book as the Princess and I whirled to face her. “Aren’t you?”
“No,” Princess Elana answered quickly. “What would make you ask?”
“Well, your name is Elana.” She looked at me. “And I know I’ve heard my mother call you Erynn.” I turned back around. What was I supposed to say? How could I possibly explain that to the Princess?
“I’m sorry,” Distance said. “I guess I shouldn’t have asked.” I heard her leave and then Princess Elana came and stood behind me.
“Are you Erynn Valeen?”
I turned to face her. “I used to be.”
“What?”
“I stopped being her when I left the Surface.”
“So you are Erynn.”
“I guess so.”
“But how can that be? The Valeens died in the revolution.”
“Obviously not all of them.”
“Are you saying that I am Elana Valeen? Are you saying that I’m you’re sister?”
I stood to my feet to meet her eyes. “You are Elana Valeen no matter what you or I say. As for you being my sister, you’ll never be anything close to that.” I walked out of the room.
* * *
The next day two men came to the door. Distance opened the door for them and River met them in the front room. I was nearby, just sitting and trying to stay away from Princess Elana. I hadn’t ever intended to listen in, but that was what I ended up doing.
At first I didn’t really hear them. But after a moment I head them say Erynn several times and I began to hear they’re voices clearly.
“Are you saying that two came through the Gate?” one of the men asked.
“Yes, Ecthan,” River answered. “Two girls came through the Gate.”
“Why was it even open?”
“One of them was supposed to come. We had arranged to keep her here.”
“Where are they now?”
“Upstairs.”
“Bring them down.
A moment later River came to get Princess Elana and I and brought us downstairs.
I knew as soon as I saw them that they were Dragons. Everything about them screamed of Dragons. Both were tall and light haired. They stood proudly, exactly as a Dragon would if it were in it’s own body.
“Where are they?” one of the men asked.
“Yes, Ecthan.”
Ecthan looked me over. “You were the one who was supposed to come.”
“Yes, sir,” I said.
“What’s your name?”
“Falcon.”
“You are one of the Ciani?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why did you come through the Gate?”
“The Elders decided that it was too dangerous for me where I was.”
He stared hard into my eyes. “You’re name isn’t really Falcon, is it?”
“I’ve been called Falcon for the last fourteen years.”
“What would you have been called if you lived on the Surface?”
“Erynn. Erynn Valeen.”
“Erynn Valeen?” Ecthan turned on River sharply. “When were you planning on telling me this?”
“She needed to get out of there,” River told him. “The King knew that she still existed, and even knew her by face.”
“Why?”
“They were trying to get something to bargain with.”
“They showed her to him.”
“Things went wrong. Things weren’t supposed to happen like this.”
“Idiots!” Ecthan muttered under his breath.
“They were trying to help themselves, River, and they made a mess of it as usual.” Ecthan looked over at the Princess. “And who are you?”
“Elana Shaltz,” she said, raising her chin a little.
“Why in all the stars are YOU here?”
“I was following Falcon.”
“What were doing anywhere near her?”
“Ecthan,” River interrupted. “It doesn’t matter how she got here, but that she got here. And the fact is that you must take the both back to the caves with you.”
The other man spoke for the first time. “You know that we can’t do that, just as well as I do.”
“It’s not your place to say that, Arek.” River looked expectantly at Ecthan.
He shook his head sadly. “You know we can’t. You’ll have to keep them.”
“But we can’t. We have enough trouble with the Riders when there’s only two of us.”
“You were willing to take her before,” Arek said pointing at me.
“For a few weeks. Then I was going to bring her to you.”
“So just send us back through the Gate,” I said.
River looked at me. “Ilen made it clear that we couldn’t do that. And even if he would let you do that, we can’t open the Gate again so soon without attracting the Riders’ attention.”
“The what are we supposed to do?” Princess Elana asked.
“They’ll have to leave,” Ecthan said. “They’ll have to go north, towards the mountains, and find someone else who can take them in.”
The Princess looked back and forth between them, obviously not liking the idea.
“They must leave tomorrow,” Arek said. “And no later.”
River nodded and Ecthan and Arek left. Princess Elana ran up the stairs, leaving River and I alone.
“What did you do it?” I asked.
“I’m sorry?”
“Why didn’t you just tell Ilen that you couldn’t take me?”
“Where do you think you would be right now if I had?”
“Not here.”
“We can’t change what’s happened, Falcon. You and Elana will just have to leave. I’m sorry.”
I looked at here for a second and then left.
In my room, Elana was sitting on the temporary bed that River had put there for her. She had a set of headphones on. Beside the bed was an open backpack with all sorts of things spilling out of it; CDs, clothes, and other such things.
Princess Elana took her headphones off as I came in.
“Where did you get all this stuff?”
“I brought it with me.”
“Why would you have all this with you?””
She mumbled something.
“What?”
“I was running away. I didn’t think that anyone would ask questions if I disappeared near the Ciani.”
I stared at her. “Don’t you realize that they would have blamed us?”
She looked down. “Yes.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“But you’ve already been blamed for so much.”
“Then we don’t need any more, do we?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be.” I turned and left.
* * *
The next morning Falcon and I left. River and Distance gave us food and blankets, even their horses, Lidda and Starlight. I was frightened, but I think I would have been fine except for the fact that Falcon was not talking to me. And it wasn’t just to me, Flacon didn’t speak to Distance or River the day before we left either.
Falcon was silent for three days, leaving me to ride ad think. So by the time those three days had passed, I had quite a few questions. I had made up my mind that I WAS Elana Valeen and that she WAS Erynn Valeen, that was the only way that things made sense. But that still left a lot to be explained.
“What are the Ciani?” I asked one night as we were settling down to sleep. Well, I was settling down, she had already settled and was nearly asleep.
“What?” She turned to face me.
“What are the Ciani? What makes them different?”
Falcon turned back. “You wouldn’t believe me.”
“Why not?”
“You just wouldn’t.”
“Not if you don’t give me the chance to, no.”
She was quiet for a moment, thinking or remembering something. Then she propped herself up on her elbows and faced me. “We’re half-Dragon,” she said. “Except the Elders, they’re full Dragon.”
“Dragon?”
She nodded.
I sighed. “If you didn’t want to tell me, you could have just said so.”
“I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”
“You really expected me to? I mean, Dragons…” My voice trailed off as she held her forearm out to me.
Tiny black scales were lined up all over her skin. The firelight flickered across them, reflecting off them as it would off hammered and polished iron.
I stared at her. “You’re a Dragon?”
“Half-Dragon.” She pulled her arm back to her side and the scales dissappeared.
“How did you do that?” I asked hesitantly.
“Magic.”
I looked down. That was too much. My world wasn’t supposed to get rearranged just because I asked a simple question. It was too much. I dropped the subject and laid down. Falcon seemed perfectly happy to drop it as well.
The plot thickens...
Two things: firstly, I don't understand how Elana failed to pick up that Falcon is one of the Valeen. I mean, I know that she sees her as Ciani and the thought would never enter her mind that the two could mix, but Falcon comes out and says
So, if you want to keep Elana in the dark about that still I think you need to re-write the dialogue so that it isn't so explicit.
Secondly, I feel that Falcons return through the gate is a vital and paramount plot shift. Yet, for its importance it feels a little rushed. The plan seems to just suddenly be developed and executed. Falcon's capture follows equally quickly. You need to draw it out a little. Maybe some inner debate before Falcon decides to go. Obviously she wants to go, but maybe play up some sense of responsibility in that the elders sent her away and she should respect that. And then have Falcon wander through the tunnels a bit before being spotted by Elana. Or maybe Elana sees her a bit before she sees Elana. Outline Falcon's thoughts during this whole ordeal. I know none of these suggestions are very concrete or developed. But, basically what I'm saying is that this new direction for the story needs to be emphasized more.
But I still like this and look forward to where it is going.
Yeah... I've noticed that too. I'll work on it.
Chapter 10
Nights were not quiet there. In the caves there were almost no sounds, just the occasional footsteps of a sleepless person and the gentle sounds of running water coming through my wall from some sort of underground stream.
But here it was different. Crickets chirped incessantly sometimes joined by cicadas. Animals howled erratically. The wind rushed through the eaves and the house itself groaned. I missed the quiet of being underground. I missed every bit of my old life.
I wanted to go back. I wanted to live in the caves again, and to laugh and joke around with Stren. I wanted to see Ready again and for her to bug me while I was trying to read. I wanted to wear my old clothes again.
I stared at the clothes hanging in the closet that River had made for me. They were beautiful, each one a masterpiece that had been stitched with care. But they didn’t feel like me. Standing, I moved to the closet and fingered the clothes, trying to remind myself that I liked them. I couldn’t. They were soft and smooth to the touch, more wonderful than I could ever imagine. But they weren’t mine.
I dropped the sleeve I had been holding abruptly and opened the bag that I had brought with me through the Gate. Drawing my old clothes out of it, I looked at them happily. These were my clothes. Every inch of them was familiar, from the high collars to the stitched images of birds and flowers embroidered on them, and especially the stitched images of Dragons embroidered on a precious few. For while they looked nothing like real Dragons, seeming more like snakes with tiny clawed legs, they tied strongly into what the Ciani really were: Dragon Children, half-Dragons.
Quickly I put my old clothes on, wanting to feel Ciani again. Just because I could, I blew a tiny stream of flame at a candle and lit it. I sat on the floor and leaned back against the bed, closing my eyes. I could almost imagine that I was back in the caves, underground, sitting in my real room, leaning against my real bed. If I focused hard enough, I could hear Stren coming down the hall, bursting to tell me something, ready to—
An animal howled outside, cutting into my dream and breaking it. I was here again, in another world, above ground, in a house with River and Distance. And why was I here? Because I walked through the Gate, leaving my friends, my world, and my life to the soldiers who were attacking them. More than ever I wanted to go back. I wanted to see that everyone was okay. I wanted to see that Stren was okay.
Distance opened the door a crack and looked in. “I thought that you were awake.” She walked in and I wished that I hadn’t lit the candle. Maybe if I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have noticed what I was wearing. But I had and she did.
“You want to go back, don’t you?” She asked.
“You’re a mind reader, aren’t you?” I’d been suspecting it for days, though I wasn’t sure why I had asked just then.
“Yes, I am.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“But I didn’t need to read your mind to know that you wanted to go back.”
“But I’ll bet it helped.”
“Yes.”
“What?” I sat up straight in surprise. I hadn’t thought that she had actually been reading my mind.
“You’ve been dropping thoughts all over the place. It’s hard not to pick them up.”
I sighed. For once in my life I missed Steel. She was a mind reader too and she always warned me when I was “leaking”, no matter how much she disliked me.
“This Stren must mean a lot to you.”
“Yeah, he does.”
“And you DO want to go back.”
“There’s no point in talking like this,” I said, standing. “I’m stuck here. They won’t let me go back.”
“What if I could send you? What if I could open the Gate again?”
I stared at her. “You could do that?”
“Only for a few hours, three at the most.”
“But your Mother, she wouldn’t let us.”
“She wouldn’t notice. And there’s no harm in letting you in for three hours. So if she ever finds out, she shouldn’t be too angry.”
“And what about the Riders? Would they notice?”
“No.” Distance shook her head. “They’ll know something is going on, but they won’t know what. The Gate would have to be open for much longer than three hours for them to be able to find it.” She smiled at me. “Think about it. You can let me know what you decide in the morning.” She left.
I didn’t have to think about it. I wanted to go, and I told her that the first thing in the morning. Distance and I both decided that it would be best to wait until the following afternoon.
When the time came to leave, I was very nervous. I was certain that River would see Distance and I trying to slip out of the house and stop. I was certain she would want to know why I was wearing my Ciani clothes. But despite my fears, we left without even seeing River.
When we got to the Gate it looked just like the rest of the forest. Distance whispered something under her breath, closing her eyes in concentration. The Gate began to writhe like a wild animal trying to escape its bonds. Then, slowly, it began to flow between tree and door, like it had when I had first come through. I smiled. I was going back.
Distance turned to me. “Remember, I can only keep it open for three hours. Make sure you get back by then.”
I nodded.
“Good luck, Falcon.”
“Thanks.” I stepped into the Gate. Everything melted around me and then I was back in the caves. Immediately, I knew that there was something wrong: the alarm was still ringing.
* * *
I never expected to see Falcon ever again. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if Falcon, Stren or any of the other Ciani were real. We hadn’t seen or heard them since the first day when we had tried to take them by surprise. And except for the fact that we HAD seen them, I would have been perfectly happy to believe that I had hit my head and imagined that I had met the Ciani. But instead I was driving myself crazy, wondering where they were they were, especially where Falcon was. For some reason I wanted to know exactly where she was. Maybe it was because my father wanted to know so much. He didn’t even seem to care about the rest of the Ciani. He wanted Falcon. But whatever the reason, I spent hours looking for her. However, I never dreamed that she would find me.
When she came around the corner her eyes widened and she dashed back out of sight. She tried to run but we caught her.
I walked ahead of Falcon to the trucks, hearing her struggle all the way. She caught my eye once, just before the soldiers forced her into one of the trucks. There was something in her gaze that I hadn’t expected. There was anger, yes, so much of it that it was hard to see anything else. But this anger was not at me. And she looked at me as if seeing me for the first time as something other than a Surface Person. But what else she could possible see me as, I didn’t know.
The truck Falcon was in drove away as Father began to speak. “Pull the men out of the caves,” he told one of his Captains. “Set a guard outside and send the rest home.”
I turned to face Father. “What?” The Captain moved off to carry out my Father’s orders. “Why are we leaving?”
Father ushered me into a car and told the driver to take us back to the palace. “We accomplished exactly what we needed to.”
“We captured one girl. How can that be exactly what we needed to do?”
“It just is, El.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t explain it to you.” His voice was tense and it stopped me for a moment, but only a moment.
“You can’t? Or you won’t?” I hated myself for saying it almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
“I CAN’T, Elana.”
The rest of the ride home was quiet. I didn’t say anything and neither did he. I expected the rest of the day to be quiet as well, but it wasn’t. Father insisted on talking to Falcon five minutes after we got to the palace, and there was no way I was going to miss that.”
Falcon was sitting on the floor with her back to us when we came in. She didn’t turn around but she still seemed to know exactly who had come in. Father nodded to the two guards in the room to leave and they did. When she heard the door close behind them, Falcon turned to see me and smiled.
“Some hospitality,” she said pleasantly. “A private room, personal body-guards… what more could you ask for?”
I stared. This not what I had expected. She should have been yelling and ranting, not this. But despite the fact that she was smiling, there was contempt in her eyes.
“What is your name?” Father asked her.
“You already know my name, otherwise you wouldn’t have kept me alive.”
“We’re not killers,” I said.
She looked at me. “No, you’re not. But he is.” She nodded towards Father.
“What is your name?” Father repeated.
She didn’t say anything.
“Her name is Falcon,” I answered for her.
“Falcon?” he questioned.
She nodded. “But some people have been known to call me Erynn.”
Father’s jaw clenched. “Elana, leave.”
I turned to face him, an objection hot on my tongue, but one look at his face told me that it was not a good idea. I walked out and closed the door behind me. Glancing around, I saw the guards stationed some way down the hall. They were far enough away that they wouldn’t notice if I listened in. No one would notice if I listened in. I eased the door open a crack.
“You know why you’re here,” Father was saying to her.
“I’m a threat to you.”
“But NOT a threat I can’t handle.”
“Let me go and I’ll leave and never come back.”
“I wish that I could believe that.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know whether you can believe me or not. But I will, I’ll leave forever.”
“Valeens have a habit of popping up when they’re unwanted.”
“Forgive me for not dying.”
“The Ciani saved you once. Do you think that they can save you again?”
“You tried to kill me once, before I was even born, and couldn’t. Do you think you can now?”
“Sooner or later the Ciani won’t be able to protect you.”
“You’re right. But I don’t think that I’m the only Valeen that you have to worry about.”
“I’m sorry?”
“She’s smart. How long do you think you can keep it a secret from her?”
“You’re not all you think you are. You’re human just like everyone else.”
“Am I?”
He ignored her and crouched down, bringing his face inches from hers. “Humans can die.” Her eyes widened ever so slightly. “YOU can die.”
Her eyes searched his face and then shifted behind him. For a moment our eyes met. I stepped away quickly, snapping the door shut.
Nothing made any sense. What did the Valeens have to do with anything? They were all dead, none of them had survived the revolution. And yet my father was talking to a member of the Ciani, threatening her, and speaking of two Valeens, acting as if they were still alive. None of it fit together. What did the Valeens, the Ciani, and my father have to do with eachother? Did they have anything to do with me?
* * *
I paced back and forth across my room. My father was definitely hiding something. And I got the feeling that he had been hiding something, or several things, for a long time. He wasn’t going to say anything and I didn’t think that Falcon would either. But I had to find out somehow.
I sat down at my desk. What was I going to do? What could I do?
Father knocked on my door. “El? Can I come in?”
“Yes.”
He entered and I smiled in greeting, quickly shuffling some papers around to make it look like I had been doing something rather than just sitting around.
“What’s wrong?” Father asked.
“Nothing.” I got up, taking some of the papers with me and pretending to put them in one of the drawers of my dresser.
“Something is wrong. You’ve been quiet for days.”
Closing my eyes, I stopped with my back turned to him with my back turned to him. I knew what I was doing was fake and so did he.
“If something is bothering you than just tell me, El.”
I turned towards him sharply. “Who is she?”
“Who?”
“Falcon. Who is she really?”
“No one important.”
“I think that she is important. Why else would you leave after finding her?”
“No, she’s not.”
“Who is she?”
He looked at me for a moment and then turned to leave, shaking his head.
I swallowed. “The Valeens, what do they have to do with the Ciani?”
Father whirled around. “What?”
I knew that I had hit on something, so I repeated the question.
“What would make you ask something like that?” I bit my lip. “You were listening.”
“If you don’t tell anything, I have to find things out for myself.”
“Maybe I don’t tell you things anymore because you don’t believe me anymore.”
“I’ve tried hard to believe you, but you don’t give me any proof. Like about the Ciani, you keep saying that they would destroy us if they could. But I don’t think that they would.”
“I know that you would like to think that, but it’s not true.”
“Then why did they let me go?”
“They must not have known exactly who you were.”
“Oh, believe me, they knew.”
“Elana, I don’t have the time to stand here and argue about this.” He turned and was almost to the door before I stopped him.
“Going to see Falcon?”
Father turned back, trying to be pleasant. “Yes. Would you like to come?”
“Leave her alone. She’s not going to say anything more. You might as well let her go.”
His jaw clenched. “She’s Ciani.”
“She’s frightened. You can see it in her eyes.”
“El…”
“Leave her alone.”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
Father left without saying another word.
I sat back down at my desk. What was I going to do?
Thank you!!
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Oh, and if you're looking back on this, and thinking how it's worse than what you can write now, don't worry. Trust me, that's not a bad thing! It'd be much worse if you were still at the same level, and you hadn't improved since you started.. Besides, if you're not liking what you're reading now... well, that's what re-writes are for!
Thumbs up so far, anyways. I love your writing style, especially as it's so different from my own. Only thing I would say is that sometimes it can be hard to tell who's talking at some points.
Write on Dusky!!
~KayJuran~
*singsoffkey* - yes. I was rather proud of Distance for that. lol.
Kay Juran - *blushes* thank you. But I have to admit, I have a really really hard time going back and rereading this. It's so much lower than what I'm capable of now. But, live and learn, I guess...
I'll post the next chapter soon, since you asked me to.
Well, this has gotta be good or I wouldn't have been able to read through all of those chapters in one sitting!
Post more!!!
And I'll look for things I can critique soon, I promise, but so far I've been too busy reading to find things to comment. I did see some typos but they've already been commented on.
ah... the destinction between groups of people and the people themselves... glad to see someone, if only a fictional character, who has got that figured out.
Okay... I'm posting the next chapter because I was asked to. Just as a warning, I haven't looked at this in a little over forever, and this is just being straight copy and pasted from WORD, because I don't have time to look at it right this minute. I'm sure it needs serious editing. I hope you find something to enjoy though...
So, without further ado...
Chapter 9
Distance opened the barn doors. “Wait here,” she told me before disappearing inside. So I did, gazing into the darkness and listening to the sounds within. After a few minutes she came back out holding two fully saddled horses. One was nearly black and the other, nearly white.
“Have you ever ridden a horse?”
I shook my head.
“You’re going to now.”
“Couldn’t we just walk into town?”
Distance laughed. “Come on, Falcon, it’s not that hard.” She handed me the reins of the black horse. “This is Starlight. Say ‘hello, Starlight’.”
I stared at her. “Oh please.”
She grinned. “Just kidding. Now watch me.” She threw the reins over her horse’s head, placed a foot in the stirrup and swung one leg over the horse’s back. Then she was sitting in the saddle. “Now you try.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
I threw the reins over Starlight’s head and put my foot in the stirrup.
“Wait.”
“What?”
“Always mount with the horse’s head on your left.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay.” Moving to the other side, I mounted.
“Good,” Distance said. “That looked great.”
“Uh-huh.” I looked down at the ground, which now looked extremely far away. “Can I get down now?”
Distance smiled, clearly trying not to laugh. “Not yet. Don’t worry. She’s not going to hurt you. Loosen up a little.
I took a deep breath and relaxed.
“Good. Now,” she sidestepped her horse over to me. “Hold the reins like this.” She showed me her hands. I carefully arranged my fingers to copy her. “To go, squeeze gently with your heels. To turn right, pull on the right rein. To turn, left pull on the left rein.” She demonstrated each thing as she said it. “To stop, pull on both reins. Understand?”
“I think so.”
“Okay. Than try it.”
Slowly, I squeezed Starlight’s sides, circled her around Distance and then pulled the horse to a stop.
“That was really great.”
“Sure it was,” I said sarcastically.
“It was. Not let’s ride around the barn. We started, Distance calling out corrections to me as we went. We rode around the barn once and then again. Then we rode around the barn and the house. Before I knew it, two hours had passed and I’d fallen off at least twice. But I actually found myself enjoying it, despite the fact that I was bruised and knew that I would be extremely sore the next day.
River came out and Distance and I stopped to talk to her. She handed us a full glass of water.
I drank it quickly, suddenly realizing just how thirsty I was. “Thanks,” I said, handing the empty glass back.
“You two had better be going soon,” River said. “I don’t want you out too late.”
“Right,” Distance agreed.
River handed me a cloak. “You’d better wear this to cover your shirt.” I nodded and threw it around my shoulders.
Distance looked over at me. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah.”
It was at least half an hour before we got into town. And when we finally did, I felt very strange. Everywhere around me there were houses and shops. None of them had vinyl siding or flashing neon lights, they were just plain brick and stone buildings. There were no street lamps, telephone poles, or fire hydrants. There were no cars, trucks, buses or any of the noises that they made, just human voices and the sound of Starlight’s hooves striking the cobblestones.
The people walking past didn’t wear tee-shirts or jeans like the Surface People, or anything that remotely resembled the Ciani’s clothes. Women walked past in long dresses belted at the waists. Groups of girls my age and younger wore brighter versions of the women’s clothing. A few of the more adventurous girls wore clothes much like Distance’s. The boys and men wore pants and loose-fitting woven shirts with long, full sleeves ending in a cuff. Most people were dressed in browns and blues with the occasional green, black or white.
It seemed as if I had gotten thrown into a fairy tale, and everyone had forgotten to tell me. But something also made it feel completely unlike a fairy tale. I couldn’t tell you what it was, but I knew that this world was real.
Distance dismounted in front of a shop marked “Fabrics” and tied her horse to a post standing by the door. I did the same and we stepped inside.
A woman behind the counter at the other end of the room looked up as we came in. She smiled when she saw us. “Good morning, Distance. I’ll be with you in a moment.” Then she turned back to her customer.
Distance pulled the hood of her cloak back and shook her hair out. “Go ahead and look around,” she said to me. So I did.
The shop was fairly small, or maybe it just seemed that way because of the endless racks of fabric set against the walls and on the shelves throughout the room. There were lots of browns, blues, blacks, whites, and greens, patterned and plain. There were a few reds, yellows, oranges, and purples, but none of them were very bright. But I had to admit that all together they made this room one of the most colorful that I had ever seen.
It was only a minute or two before the woman had finished with her customer and had moved over to us.
“Good morning,” She greeted us.
“Good morning, Aria,” Distance returned.
“And what can I do for you?”
“We need fabric.”
Aria smiled slightly. “I guess that. How much?”
“A lot. We need enough to make a whole new wardrobe for her.” Distance nodded towards me.
“And you would be?”
I lifted my chin to meet the woman’s eyes. “Falcon.”
“She’s my sister,” Distance put in.
“You never mentioned her before.”
“Falcon has been in Cyrden with my uncle for the last nine years.”
I glanced sideways at her, wondering what she was talking about. But Aria seemed to find nothing wrong with Distance’s story.
“Your poor mother,” she said. “She must have hated to send her child so far away.”
“She had little choice,” Distance reminded her. “She could hardly have taken care of both of us.”
The woman smiled knowingly and then began to scan the shelves. “Did you have anything in mind?”
“No, just something that will look nice on Falcon.”
“I think we can handle that.”
An hour later we walked out of the shop with several bundles. Some held dark colored cloth that even I had to admit looked nice on me. Others held lighter colors because Aria insisted that there couldn’t be too much dark in an outfit. And then there were a few small scraps of some absolutely gorgeous materials that Distance said she wanted to show her mother.
Distance helped me strap the packages to our saddles and then we headed back the way we had come. A few minutes into our ride home I turned to Distance.
“Was any of that true?”
“Any of what?”
“The things that you told Aria.”
“What? About you being my sister?”
“No.” I shook my head, laughing a little. “I know that’s not true. I meant the part about the uncle in Cyr— Cyr—“
“Cyrden?”
“Yeah. Is he really there?”
She shook her head. “No. But you have to tell people like her something. They care too much to leave you alone. When I first started coming into town, I tried not to answer her questions. But that just made her ask more. So I made up a life for myself.”
“So you lied to her.”
“It’s not like I could tell her the truth. She is a Rider.”
“Then how can you stand to talk to her? Don’t the Riders want to destroy you?”
“The Riders fear us. They’re afraid that we are a threat to them. But Aria and I aren’t afraid of each other. We’re just afraid of the name assigned to the other. We’re both people, just like the Ciani are people and those that live on the Surface are people.”
“But they still want to destroy you.”
“The Riders want to destroy us. Aria does not want to destroy me.”
It isn't my normal style because it was written quite a while ago. Over a year ago, I think.
This isn't by any means finished, so that's why there isn't more action involved. *goes to see if she can dig up the next chapter*
This was weird , this isnt your normal style. ITs still good though.
You managed to tell a whole story of eveloution but keep it interesting, but i do suggest more action but over all you told a complex story in a very good way
lol. I'm honored...
Falcon is not the daughter of the King from before they went into hiding. The Royal line passed along knowledge of the Ciani from generation to generation while the rest of the human population forgot about them. Or at least that was how it was supposed to be.
No, these are not the same. They exist in the same "universe" so to speak, but they are not the same story. Dragana occurs long before the war between the magical and the non-magical.
According to the history that I made up, shortly after Dragana's time, a half-dragon goes half-mad and nearly destroys the entire world. That brings attention to just what these magical beings are capable of and the rest of the population starts to not like them so much which eventually becomes the battle that results in thier banishment to other realms and the forming of the Ciani.
This is amazing! I am in love with the names... particularly Ready and Distance. I'm pretty sure that when I have children you will be called upon for name suggestions. lol.
I may have more to offer later... but for now I just want to comment on something that is confusing to me. You mentioned that the Ciani passed into legend somewhat... yet Falcon is the daughter of the king from before they went into hiding. And I don't recall you mentioning her age... but she is obviously young, I'm guessing 16 or so. How do these two things coincide?
At first I thought this was a re-write of Dragana... and then that brought to mind your story War of Hearts... wait, are those the same? It's been so long....
Oh wow... it's been a long time since I posted this...
I should warn you that this is by no means finished... it's got some 20-something chapters and was orginally intended to be a trilogy and I was experimenting with a lot of it and it was basically me just writing down everything that came into my head having to do with this character and while I had an ending in mind, I only wrote to about half way through the story and someone please tell me to stop this run-on sentence! *takes a deep breath*
Oh dear! The prologue is awesome! It reminds me of the first LOTR movie, where Gladriel is talking over...
And it's so oralstorylike as well! And the idea is so cool! And...
Dammit, I'm going to have to read the story. ><
A typo for you:
Not we... he!
It would so rock to write a parallel story with a gryphon viewpoint in your world.
It is really odd, you already have an author ready to write fan fiction before the story is even done.
Don't you feel special?
Okay. I'll try to keep that in mind. Thanks for reading you two.
The Griffins will come in later. Just wait. *grins to herself*
yay, more!
I agree, more description would be good, though.
I had an idea similar to your "All the magic is sent to another world" thing.
Except I was focusing on the Gryphons.
You should focus more on description. It doesn't have to be all that much, just describe what's going on around you as you walk through your story.
Chapter 8
I jumped to my feet as a branch snapped behind me. I had been sitting for at least a half an hour, leaning against a tree, staring at the Gate. I kept expecting a soldier to burst through it, but I never expected something to come from behind me.
I watched as a girl about my age slowly stepped out of the surrounding greenery. Her long brown hair was drawn back behind a strip of cloth. She wore a light green dress, belted at the waist, that extended past her knees. A slit down the front revealed light green pants that widened slightly at the knee and settled gently around her feet.
She glanced slowly between the Gate and me. “Did you come through there?”
I nodded.
“But you’re not supposed to come for three more days.”
“Something came up. They had to send me earlier than they thought.
She nodded to herself. “What’s your name?”
“Falcon.”
“I’m Distance. You’d better come with me.”
She started walking away from the Gate. Picking up my bag, I followed a few feet behind. Every once in a while she glanced over her shoulder at me.
“What?” I asked after about the fifth time.
Distance turned and waited for me to catch up. “Did you really come through the Gate?”
“Yeah.”
She smiled. “It’s just so incredible.”
“Why?”
She turned away and started walking, still smiling. “Never mind.”
After a few minutes we found a small house, nestled in amongst the trees. A little way off, I could see a barn. Distance ran into the house while I hung back. A moment later she came back out with a woman wearing a simple brown dress. Both came close to me.
The woman smiled, staring at my face. “Erynn,” she whispered.
I started slightly. “That’s not my name.”
“Get her inside,” she told Distance and then walked off in the direction that we had just come from.
Distance beckoned me through the door and into a tiny kitchen. The smell of baking bread floated away from a small oven at the other end of the room. She led me on through two more rooms and up a flight of stairs.
“Where did she go?” I asked.
“Who? My mother?”
I nodded.
“She went to close the Gate.”
I stopped. “To close it?”
Distance turned. “We can’t keep it open all the time.” She pushed open a door on her right and entered it. “This is your room,” she said as I followed her inside.
I looked around. It was a simple room; white walls and a wooden floor with a thick rug laid over it. There was a bed and a dresser. A wide window released light into the room and there was a shelf placed under the windowsill. But besides that, there was nothing. I really didn’t mind. And I got the feeling that I wasn’t meant to stay there for very long.
* * *
It was several hours before Distance’s mother got back. Distance was in the barn by then, and I was up in my room.
It was very different to sit in a room that was above ground, rather than an underground one. From this room I could see trees and grass and the sun, things that I had never taken the time to truly see. Sure, I’d taken a look around the first time that I had come to the Surface just to figure out what things looked like. But I’d never noticed how the plants reached for the sunlight, longing for its warmth. Or how the trees swayed in the breeze, seeming to dance to a hidden music. At least I hadn’t until that day.
Distance’s mother stood in the doorway, watching me as I stood looking out the window.
I was silent for a moment, watching a bird flying from tree to tree. “Is the Surface really like this?” I hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but it just came out.
She smiled and walked to the window to look. “It’s a lot like this.”
I turned to face her, surprised. “How do you know?”
“I used to live on the Surface. I was eight before I became Ciani.”
“So how did you get here?”
“I came through the Gate, just like you.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know.” She turned around and started to leave.
“Ma’am!” I ran after her. “Didn’t they tell you anything?”
She turned at the bottom of the stairs while I halted at the top. “They told me I was leaving. That was really all I needed to know.” She paused. “They don’t have to explain everything, Erynn.”
“My name isn’t Erynn.”
“I’m sorry. But I’ve called you that for so long, it’s hard to stop myself now.” She turned and left. In an instant I had gone down the stairs and followed her into the kitchen.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
She set the jars she was holding down on the counter and turned to face me. “You really don’t know what Erynn Valeen means to everyone.”
“No.”
“If Erynn ever came to the throne, the Ciani might be able to live above ground again. Erynn might be able to make things what they were.”
“But what does that matter here?”
She turned away and picked one of the jars back up. “Things aren’t as perfect here as they might seem.” I could see her turning the jar over in her hands as if remembering things that she wished that she had forgotten. “People don’t like their homes being invaded. And unfortunately the Dragons, Unicorns, and Griffins had no choice but to do just that.”
“What?”
She faced me. “There were people her before us, people we call the Riders. They didn’t like it when we were banished here. Most of us live underground just like the Ciani. The only reason that Distance and I live here is to protect the Gate. If the Riders ever found it, they would try to destroy it. In a lot of ways things are worse for us than they are for the Ciani.”
“Oh?” I didn’t see how that was possible.
“We aren’t the only ones who have magic. The Riders have it too.” She paused. “You have no idea how much we would like to come back to your realm. Erynn could make the possible.”
“But I’m not Erynn.”
She smiled. “Maybe not now. But you will be.”
“Ma’am—”
“Call me River. Ma’am makes me feel old.” She opened the jars and began to make dinner.
* * *
Distance sat back in her chair after dinner, laughing at something her mother had said. I felt so out of place. Distance and River got along so well, laughing and talking, seeming more like best friends than mother and daughter. And I just didn’t seem to fit in naturally.
“You two will have to go to town tomorrow,” River said.
“Why?” Distance asked, clearly excited at the prospect.
“We have to get material to make Falcon some new clothes.” River smiled at me. “I’m afraid you can’t wander around in things like that.” She waved towards my clothes.
I looked down at my shirt. I’d changed my clothes so many times over the years, switching between being Ciani and seeming like a Surface Person, and it didn’t change who I was. I was always Falcon. But this time it was different. This time I was leaving a world behind me forever and I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. It was true, my clothes were nothing special, just a black, woven shirt with silver stitching and silver pants. I could take them off as easily as I could blink. But changing my clothes was also symbolic of changing from one world to another. I didn’t want to, but I knew I would. I had little choice.
“So the two of you can go in the morning.” River glanced over at me. “Is there something wrong?”
I shook my head. “No.”
After about a half an hour we all went to bed. But things kept flying around my head and I found it impossible to sleep, too much had happened that day. That morning I had been in the caves with the rest of the Ciani. And now I was a world away.
Distance knocked at my door and stuck her head inside. “Are you still awake?”
“Yes.”
“Do you mind if I come in?”
“Go ahead.”
She entered, bringing a candle with her. She set it down on the dresser where it would give off the most light and then sat down next to me on the bed.
“So why can’t YOU sleep?” I asked.
“Oh, I can never sleep when someone comes to visit.”
“How often is that?”
“Not often. I wish it was, but most of the time it’s just my mother and I.” She turned and looked at me. “What is it like through the Gate?”
I looked back for a moment before I answered. “It’s… different.”
“Is it nice there?”
“It’s better than nice. It’s…” I dropped off, seeking a word. “Home.” It was all I could come up with.
Distance smiled. “I wish I could go through the Gate.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s different.”
I smiled a little to myself. “So what do you do around here?”
“Well there’s always work to do.”
“And for fun?”
“We read and we talk. We used to play My World, Their World, but we don’t do that as much anymore.”
"What’s that?”
“What? My World, Their World? It’s a singing game that my mother and I play. The first person makes up a verse that starts with ‘In my world’, like” she began to sing:
In my world,
I can fly,
And soar through the clouds.
“And then the next person makes up a verse that starts with ‘In their world’ and contrasts the first. Like”
In their world,
They confine,
Me to walk the ground.
“You try.”
I blinked.
“Come on,” she urged. “Just try.”
I shook my head. “Distance… wishing for something, doesn’t make it come true.”
*laughs* yes, sir! More! Coming right up!
Just as soon as I rewrite this really stupid part of the story...
It's my turn to catch up on my reading. this is excellent. I hate to sound repetitive, but, more? lol
Thanks for reading.
Chapter 7
I sat down at the table across from Stren and Sean.
“There you are,” Stren said. “Where have you been all morning?”
“That’s some greeting,” I replied.
“Where HAVE you been?”
“Packing.”
“But you’re not going for three more days.”
“Going?” Sean questioned. Where are you going?”
“A secret mission,” Stren answered quickly, winking at me.
I played along. “Stren! We’re not supposed to tell.”
Sean glanced back and forth between us. “You guys actually do things like that?”
“What do you think we do?” I asked.
He considered me a moment. “You’re not going to rob a bank, are you?”
I shook my head, smiling slightly. “No. Not even close.”
“Then what?”
“It’s a SECRET mission,” Stren said, nudging his brother. “We can’t tell you.”
“Aw, c’mon.”
“Sorry, maybe when you’re older.”
“I’m only two years younger than you.”
“Two years can make all the difference.”
“C’mon.” He turned to me. “Falcon?”
“Sorry,” I said. “We—”
A sudden noise interrupted me. A sound much like a horn rang out around the hall, fading in and out. Many of the people in the room stood up, including myself. There was a sudden outbreak of human voices; all trying to figure out what was going on.
“What is that?” Sean asked loudly to make himself heard over the noise.
“That’s the alarm,” Stren explained, equally loudly. “It means that there’s a group of Surface People near the caves.”
“But wouldn’t the alarm tell them where we are? I mean, it’s so loud. Wouldn’t they be able to hear it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “We’re the only ones that can hear it. If any of the Surface People walked in, they would only hear us talking.”
“Calm down! Calm down!” I heard Ilen’s voice rise above both the alarm and the other people. “Go to the Escape Caves. Now!”
Everyone was up and walking towards the door in an instant. Stren, Sean and I were swept along with the rest.
“What are the Escape Caves?” Sean asked.
“A set of caves that are VERY hard to find unless you know exactly what you’re looking for,” Stren told him. “We can hide in there for weeks if we have to.”
Ilen grabbed my arm as I passed through the door. “You’re not going to the Escape Caves.
“What?” Stren demanded, stopping short.
“She’s not going. She has to get to the Gate.”
“She has three days left!”
Sean glanced back and forth between his brother and Ilen, seeming just as lost as I felt. I wanted to stay here just as long as I could… even if that was only three days. And though I could tell that to Stren in an instant, telling Ilen was another story. So I just closed my eyes, listening to their voices and feeling like they weren’t really talking about me, but another girl that I didn’t even know.
“She has to leave now, while she still has the chance. If they catch her they’ll kill her.”
“They’ll kill any of us if we’re caught!” Stren protested.
“I don’t have the time to argue with you!” Ilen gripped my shoulders and my eyes flashed open. “Go to your room and get your things. Diren will meet you there.” He turned swiftly towards Stren and Sean. “Go to the Caves. BOTH of you.”
But Stren had no intentions of leaving me. “Go,” he said to Sean. “I’ll be there soon.”
Sean hesitated.
“Go!”
He took off, following behind the last few people.
“Go with him,” Ilen ordered.
“She’s my best friend, you can’t make me leave her.”
Ilen’s jaw clenched. “Go, Falcon, before it’s too late.”
I turned and quickly walked in the direction of my room. I told myself that I didn’t care what Stren did, but the relief that washed through my mind when he followed me, showed what a horrible liar I was.
We reached my room before Diren and I stepped inside. I hurriedly grabbed my bag and stuffed the last few things I would need into it. When I turned around, Stren was standing at the door, glancing out in both directions to make sure that no one was there.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He turned, pulling a small box from his pocket and handed it to me. “Open it, quick.”
Dropping my bag on the floor, I did, finding a small blue pendant strung on a thin silver chain. I could tell that it was magicked, just by looking at it.
“What is it?”
“Put it on.” His voice sounded urgent, so I obeyed without a word. “NEVER take it off, not even when you go to sleep.”
“Why not? What is it?”
“I can’t explain now. Diren will be here any minute. And if she finds out about it, she won’t be happy.”
“Stren, if I shouldn’t have it—”
“If they knew what it was they wouldn’t let me give it to you. Keep it hidden from them.”
I stared. This was so unlike him.
“Strength!” Diren exclaimed from the doorway. We whirled to face her. Stuffing the necklace underneath my shirt, I told myself that I would take it off when we got the chance. But I knew that I wouldn’t. It was important to Stren that I kept it on. So while I didn’t understand why, it had become important to me.
“What are you doing here, Strength? You should be in the Escape Caves.”
“She’s leaving. I wanted to say good-bye.”
“Fine, then both of you come with me.
I picked up my bag and Stren and I followed her out the door and down the hall.
The alarm continued to ring as we walked. Every time we came to a corner, Diren would hold us back while she checked to
make sure that it was safe. I was used to that. The Elders always checked corners when we were under attack, just to make sure that they weren’t leading their charges into danger. But this time, things were different. We weren’t going to the safety of the Escape Caves. We were going to the Gate where I would leave behind the world that I knew and enter a place where I had no idea what would happen.
As we neared the Gate we began to hear voices, loud voices that I knew did not belong there. We rounded a bend rapidly and Diren pushed us back just as quickly. But I had already seen it: a soldier from the Surface standing with his back to us.
Diren leaned in close to us and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I’ll keep him busy. You two run past, don’t even stop to look.” She didn’t wait for us to nod, but ran straight out and after a moment we heard sounds of a fight.
Stren grabbed my hand and we dashed out. I kept my eyes on the ground, not wanting to see anything. I’d seen too much for one day already. I just wanted it all to be over.
Even after we had passed Diren and the soldier, I kept my eyes down, allowing Stren to lead me along the tunnel. After a moment he pulled me to a stop. I raised my head.
There was the Gate. It looked like a normal doorway at first. Then you realized that you couldn’t see the other side. And then you began to wonder if you’d seen a doorway at all, because the more you looked at it, the more it looked like the wall around it. I wanted to turn around and run. But I couldn’t. I was glued to the spot, staring at a thing that didn’t seem to know what it wanted to be, a thing that would hold my future if I walked through. All I wanted to do was stay in the world I was in.
“What are you waiting for?” Diren yelled, running up. “Go!” I could hear the trampling of boots behind her in the tunnel. Soldiers were coming.
Diren’s voice rang in my ears. “GO!” The word echoed around the inside of my skull. GO! Go! Go…go… I didn’t want to, but I did. I took a step forward and the whole world melted around me, changing. The alarm was gone, leaving things strangely silent. Diren was gone. Stren was gone. I was alone, standing somewhere, staring at something that couldn’t decide if it was a tree or a door… crying.
Whoa...excellent. The opening sentence is magnificent- it really caught my attention. The middle is a bit tedious...nothing I can really pinpoint but it was sort of hard to read. Toward the end it became very interesting again. A couple of grammatical/spelling mistakes, but nothing substantial. Great job.
Very nicely done... A good read.
On with the editting of grammatical errors.
Chapter One
Unnecessary capitalization.
I could not understand this sentence.
Unnecessary capitalization.
You might consider italicizing instead of capitalizing ‘YOU’.
Specify who is speaking here.
Unnecessary capitalization.
Seperate 'second' and 'there' with a comma.
“Good-bye, Justin,” Stren’s Father said.
Unnecessary hyphen.
Unnecessary capitalization.
Seperate ‘here’ and ‘dear’ with a comma.
Unnecessary capitalization.
You might consider using ‘as’ to replace ‘and’.
You might consider replacing ‘to’ with a comma.
Unnecessary capitalization.
I believe it would be ‘his’ not ‘him’.
Separate ‘changed’ and ‘they’ with a comma.
Separate ‘other’ and ‘no’ with a comma.
Consider using ‘a’ before family.
Use a semicolon instead of a comma.
Separate ‘here’ and ‘it’ with a comma.
‘the’ isn’t exactly necessary.
‘they’re’ should be ‘their’.
You might consider using ‘as’ instead of ‘was’.
‘about our age’ is an interruption in the sentence; place commas around this phrase.
You might consider italicizing ‘DEAD’ instead of capitalizing the word.
‘Lets’ should have an apostrophe between the ‘t’ and ‘s’.
‘Some one’ may be one word.
Instead of quoting her thoughts, consider italicizing it to better understand it. And you might want to change ‘Seem’ to ‘Seeming’ since the girl is seemingly following them.
Instead of quoting her thoughts, consider italicizing it to better understand it. And you might want to change ‘SEEM’ to ‘seeming’. Since the thought is italicized already and you want to exaggerate ‘SEEM’, do not italicize this word only. It will look something like this… ‘Seeming, I thought to myself. Only seeming.’ And it would further strengthen this statement to add ‘Only seeming to follow us.
Either place a period after imagination to make that a sentence, or replace the comma with a semicolon.
Italicize her thoughts and get rid of the quotes.
You might consider ending this with a period.
You might consider exaggerating ‘DON’T’ be italicizing instead of capitalizing.
You might consider adding ‘on the’ before ‘other hand’.[/quote]
Very nice start. Chapter Two critiquing will be up momentarily.
The prologue... I may do it, but it has been giving me a hard time.
Good work.
Chapter 6
Diren led me in and sat me in front of Ilen. Slowly, she closed the door. I stared. They NEVER closed the door unless they were going to say something that they didn’t want anyone else to hear.
“Good morning,” Falcon,” Ilen said.
“Good morning,” I mumbled back, my mind still on the door.
Ilen was silent for a long time, seeming reluctant to say anything at all, and at the same time, unsure how to say it. I watched him silently, waiting for him to tell me what was so important that it had to be said behind a closed door.
“We have to tell her sometime,” Diren said, breaking the silence.
“Of course.” There was something in his voice that I didn’t like, a warning that I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear. Immediately, I wanted it over and done with.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“We should have told you long ago,” Ilen began and dropped off.
Diren waited a moment for him to begin again, but he didn’t. “Just tell her, Ilen.”
“The night that you became Ciani is now known as the Last Night on the Surface. That night the final battle was fought between the old king and the new king.” I had heard all this before, and I wished that he would hurry up and just tell me. But I listened just the same. “The old king, King Andrew Valeen, died that night, along with his wife and daughter.”
I jerked to attention. “Daughter?” I’d never heard anything about a daughter before. “What daughter?”
“They were unborn,” Diren said quietly. “Twins, one named Erynn and the other Elana.”
“Daughter,” I repeated to myself.
“You said only one died.”
Ilen nodded. “The new king saved Elana, the daughter that looked somewhat like his family. He passed her off as his daughter, so that no one could deny that she was the rightful heir, even those remained loyal to the Valeens.”
I should have known what was coming right then, and maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I did. But the rest of my mind refused to listen. So I continued listening, completely unaware of what was about to happen.
“We knew that Erynn was Ciani now,” Ilen went on. “But we didn’t know who she was. Our numbers had grown so much that night. Some children had been aborted; some had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. But there was no way of telling which one was Erynn. So we told all those that came to us unborn that they had been aborted. It was the easiest thing to do.
“We did eventually find out who Erynn was. But by that time, she was nine-years-old and completely convinced that she was someone else. Someone else named Falcon.”
I stared. “What?”
“Your name is Erynn Valeen, daughter of Andrew Valeen and twin to Elana.”
“Elana? Elana Valeen?”
“Yes. Though right now she is known as Elana Shaltz.”
“Elana Shaltz? The girl that was down here yesterday, that we just took back to the palace?”
“Yes,” Diren confirmed. “That’s how she came down here in the first place.”
“What?”
“Often when one twin had magic, the other does also. But only because she mirrors the first.”
I rested my head in my hands. “Why didn’t you tell me all this when she was here?”
“We thought it was for the best,” Ilen said simply.
“The best? Then why are you telling me now?”
Ilen looked away. “The King had a device made that would tell him who Erynn Valeen was. All he would have to do was get within fifty feet of her, and it would let him know.”
“Why? Why would he want a device like that?”
“Erynn is a threat to him. There are still enough people on the Surface who would like to see a Valeen on the throne, that if you should show up suddenly, things would not go well for him.” He was quiet for a moment. “He now knows that you are Erynn.”
I closed my eyes, remembering the look on the King’s face when he had seen me. I WAS a creature that haunted his dreams, no, not A creature, THE creature.
“It is no longer safe for you here. You must leave.”
* * *
Someone knocked again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore it. I didn’t want anyone to come in. I just wanted to be alone.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
“I know you’re in there,” Stren said, his voice sounding just as quiet as I felt, and almost as forlorn.
“Come in, then.”
The door opened and he stepped through it as it swung shut behind him. “Hey.”
I didn’t answer, still staring at the wall.
“You weren’t at breakfast or lunch, so I got worried.” He sat down next to me on the edge of the bed. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I just wasn’t hungry.”
He nodded slightly. “I guess they told you not to tell, huh?”
“Who?”
“Ilen and Diren.”
I faced him slowly. “How did you know?”
“They told me too, Falcon.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah.”
I turned back to the wall and stared at it, as if I expected it to tell me something, something that would make it all right that I was leaving. Anything to make me feel that I wasn’t losing everything.
“I don’t want to go,” I murmured.
Stren put an arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.
“You won’t be going all that far. Maybe you’ll be able to come back in a little while.”
I stared at him. “Not all that far? How can you say that?” His arm slipped off me. “I’m going through the Gate! I’m going into the other realm, where the rest of the dragons are!”
“I know.”
“I’ll be a world away… literally!”
“But you’re here right now.”
“For six days,” I reminded him.
“Okay! So take those six days, use them.”
“What?”
He dropped off the bed so he could face me. “What’s something that you’ve always wanted to do?”
I raised an eyebrow, entirely uncertain of where he was going.
“C’mon, Falcon. Name something.”
“Tell you to shut it, when you’re trying to cheer me up.”
He hesitated slightly. “So do that. Make the most of these six days. Give the Ciani something to remember you by.”
I stared at him blankly. “Shut it.”
He shrugged. “If that’s really how you want me to remember you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t.”
“Good. But if you still want to tell someone to shut it, we could go talk to Steel.”
Laughing, I shook my head. “I don’t like you.”
“What did I do?”
“You made me laugh.”
“And this is a bad thing?”
“I didn’t WANT to laugh.”
Thank you both.
And I know that description is one of my major problems... But I just enjoy writing the dialouge so much more!!! lol, any ways... thanks for the comments, they certainly give me something to work on...
Chapter 5
Never had it occurred to me that it might be hard to leave. I’d only been there for two weeks. It wasn’t my home. And yet there was something that made me want to stay. This place and the people in it, seemed strangely real compared to my home.
They lied to me. I had to remind myself of that over and over. And yet there was this thing tugging at the back of my mind that made me wonder if they really were lying. Stren just didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lie so calmly and so easily. He was too nice, too… real.
And Falcon… Falcon didn’t like me. But she wouldn’t lie to me. That was just who she was. How do you know? I asked myself over and over. I’d only known her for two weeks. I’d only talked to her a few times. And yet, I knew her. I knew that she didn’t like me and that she feared me. Now I understood why; I held her future in my hands. By telling my father what I had seen, I could end everything for her. And by keeping their secrets, I could save her. I had her life in my hands.
But I also had the lives of the Surface People, MY people, in my hands. If I let them go, if I kept quiet and didn’t tell my father, how many more would die because of the Ciani? How many lives would end because I grew too attached to a people that would destroy me in a second?
Or would they? They were letting me go. They were taking me home that very day. Every day that I had been there, they had treated me with respect. They hadn’t harmed me, thought they’d had a million chances. A part of me had to believe that they weren’t lying to me.
But if they were telling me the truth, and I told my father everything that I had seen, then I would be condemning hundreds of innocent people, innocent children. Children like Ready.
So everything came down to one question. Were they lying to me, or weren’t they? There were two civilizations hanging in the balance. If I made the wrong choice, one of them would die needlessly. So which was it? Could I trust Stren? Could I trust Falcon?
Some one knocked at my door.
“Yes?”
“It’s Stren. Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
The door opened and he walked in, closing the door behind him. For a moment we just stared at each other, then he spoke.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you.”
“What?”
“I should have told you that we were the Ciani from the beginning. But you have to understand, if you got the wrong impression of us, if we couldn’t convince you of who we really were, then everything would be over.”
“I understand.”
“I’m really sorry.”
He had lied to me. Stren had just admitted that he had lied to me. Things were just not getting any easier.
* * *
Ilen handed it to me. It felt cold in my hand.
“A gun?” I questioned.
“Just in case,” he answered. “Don’t use it unless you have to.” I stared down at the barrel of the gun, resting my palm. “Don’t worry, it won’t kill anyone. It will just knock them unconscious; we fixed it that way. There will be no permanent damage.”
“Sir, if it’s so dangerous, then why are you taking me along?”
“We have our reasons, Falcon.”
I nodded and slipped the barrel of the gun into the back pocket of my jeans, settling my jacket over the handle to hide it. “All right.”
Ilen stepped over to Princess Elana. “Are you ready?”
She nodded slowly and we started out. Three Dragons disguised as humans, known to us as the Elders, one Dragon Child, and a Princess walked right under the noses of the Surface People that day. None of them even realized who they were.
The Elders began to talk to each other as we threaded our way through the Surface Streets. But Princess Elana and I kept silent as we trailed behind them. I wanted to say something, anything to make her understand. But there was nothing more to say. And whenever she glanced my way, the look in her eyes kept me silent. It wasn’t that she was angry, or sad, it was something else. It was the same look she’d had the day before just after she had found out who we were, and it still frightened me. So I kept my mouth shut and followed the Elders.
I don’t remember how long it took us to get to the palace. It seemed like forever with all my worries ricocheting around the inside of my skull. Would she tell her father where we were? Would she even be able to find us again? And if she did, would the King have enough force to root us out of the caves for good? But as soon as I saw the palace, all of those thoughts flew from my mind.
Stren was right, I should have been excited to be coming. The palace was like something straight out of the glory days. High stone walls circled a castle that was only visible through the open gate. Three towers rose high above the walls. A staircase wound around the center tower and twin flags, stitched with the royal emblem topped the other two. I wished that they palace was in my world, rather than that of the Surface People.
Ilen led us through the gate and into the building itself, along with dozens of Surface People. There, the idea that I was in the glory days shattered. There was every kind of kind of electronic device in the room: from lamps to computers. There was even a set of metal detectors with a squad of Security guards to go with it.
Ilen stopped in front of them with Elana standing beside him.
“Good-bye, your majesty,” he said. She didn’t reply, but only passed through the metal detectors and disappeared into the crowd. I hoped that it would be the last time that I saw her.
Diren spoke my name quietly. “Ereen and I are leaving now.” She gestured towards the other Elder. “Ilen will leave in a few minutes. Stay with him.” I nodded my understanding. “Be careful, Falcon.” She glanced at Ilen and then left with Ereen.
I stood looking around, hoping that I wasn’t doing anything that would mark me as different from the other people there. I desperately wanted to leave. But I couldn’t. I had to wait for Ilen to leave. I glanced over at the to where Ilen was standing, just for the security of knowing that I wasn’t alone, and started. He wasn’t there. Swiftly, I scanned the crowd, praying that he was still there. But I couldn’t see him.
“Things are going to be all right,” I told myself. “If I leave now, I might be able to catch up with him before he reaches the caves.” I began walking towards the doors. It seemed as if everyone in the room was looking at me. Bending my head, I kept my eyes on my feet, focusing on putting one foot ahead of the other to keep my mind off the people.
“You there! Girl!” I looked up quickly as two security guards, a man and a woman, strode towards me.
“Put your hands on your head,” the man ordered.
I hesitated.
“I said, put you hands on your head.”
Slowly, I obeyed, clasping my fingers at the back of my head.
The woman moved behind me. “I don’t know what you expect to find,” she told her partner, patting down the pockets of my jeans. “She’s just a girl—” She stopped short, pulling the gun from my back pocket.
“Clear this place out!” The man yelled to the other guards. The room began to clear immediately. “Get the King!” He turned back to the woman. “Do you believe me now, Jane?”
Jane ignored him and asked me. “Where did you get this?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to answer.
“What’s your name?”
I looked towards the door. I was so close and yet so far. Maybe I could make it, maybe I couldn’t.
“What’s your name?” she repeated louder, as if she thought I couldn’t hear her.
Looking her in the eye, I kept my mouth shut.
The gate closed as the last person exited, leaving the two guards and I alone. A moment later the King entered, Princess Elana at his heels.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
The man handed him the gun. “She was carrying this.” The Princess’s eyes widened at the sight of the gun. But the King hardly seemed to notice it, though he was the one who was actually holding it. His eyes were focused my face, and yet they stared straight past me, as if I were a ghost or some other sort of creature that haunted his dreams.
“Your majesty,” the security guard said when the King didn’t say anything. “What should we do with her?”
“She’s only a girl,” Jane protested.
“She wouldn’t answer our questions,” the man continued.
“Mark…”
He turned towards her sharply. “I’m only telling him what happened.”
But the King didn’t seem to paying the slightest attention to either of them. He spoke directly to me. “What’s your name?”
“I don’t have one.”
He looked me up and down. “Are you Ciani?”
I clenched my fists. He was definitely her father. Just like the princess, this man hurried to accuse the Ciani whenever things went wrong. Could they think of no one else who could possibly their enemy?
“Are you Ciani?” he repeated firmly. I could see the Princess opening her mouth to answer over his shoulder. I couldn’t let her do that.
Swiftly, I kicked the gun out of the King’s hand and caught it as it fell. In and instant I had it pointing in their direction.
Princess Elana swallowed. “You don’t want to do that.”
I back up slowly. “You’re right. I don’t.”
“Then put it down.”
“Let me go… We let you go.”
She halted at that.
I turned a fired wildly at the gate. One bullet shattered the lock. I ran, pushing the doors open in front of me and just ran.
* * *
Father turned and shut the door to Grandmother’s apartment.
“El, are you all right?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
Grandmother forward in her wheelchair to touch my hand. “We were very worried about you.”
“Did you know that girl?” Father asked quietly.
I was silent.
“The Ciani captured you, didn’t they?”
I bit my lip.
“Tell me where you’ve been Elana!”
“Robert!” Grandmother scolded. “She just got back. Your questions may wait.
“I’m sorry, Mother,” he murmured. He walked over to me and bent to kiss my forehead, but he didn’t really see me. “Welcome back, El.” Then he left, seeming extremely agitated.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into your father,” Grandmother said, shaking her head.
I didn’t say anything.
“What is wrong, Elana?”
I looked her in the eye and then settled down in front of her chair.
“What is it?” She repeated.
“What do you do if—” I stopped, not sure how to phrase my question without giving away what I was really talking about. “What do you do if you think you know something that will save hundreds of lives, but if you’re wrong, it could kill just as many… or more.”
Grandmother looked me steadily in the eye for a moment before answering. “You were captured by the Ciani, weren’t you?”
I nodded slowly.
She sighed. “You’d best tell me everything.”
So I did.
Good job! I like all of this, especially the begining, how the dragons started it, Haha that was great. You're a really talented writer. I like the fairy tale world you've created. Wish I lived there...
Alright, I finally caught up with this (Cacophony is way behind on her reading
). It's pretty good. Your world is interesting, and I like how you built up the conflict between the Ciani and the surface people. I also like how you use names to set the Ciani apart. I think you did a good job developing the characters as well.
.
This might be just a personal preference of mine, but there doesn't seem to be enough description. To me, a lot of the dialogue, which is actually pretty good, feels like it takes place in a vacuum. Also, the point of view switch seemed a little jarring to me, may I suggest instead of italics, doing Elana's pov in a very tight third-person limited to help set it apart form Falcons pov?
Anyway, I like this and I'm looking forward to reading more
Thanks.
Chapter 4
Ready elbowed me in the ribs again, interrupting my meal for the millionth time.
“Fal-con,” she said, jamming her four-year-old face in my own. “Fal-con.”
“Read-y,” I mimicked. “I’m trying to read.”
She grabbed the book out of my hands and began flipping through the pages, looking for pictures. “What is it?” she asked, still looking at the pages.
“It’s a book,” I answered simply, taking it back and closing it in the process. Noticing the cover picture, Ready grabbed my hand and pulled the book closer so she could see.
“Who’s she?” she asked, pointing to the blonde-haired girl on the cover with one tiny finger.
“She’s a fighter. Her name is Catherine.”
“Oh. She’s pretty.”
Suddenly someone slipped a set of headphones over my head. I whirled around to see Stren holding a CD player.
“What are—”
“Just listen,” he interrupted, pushing play.
I stared at him as a musical intro sounded over the headphones. Then a girl began to sing. I had to laugh. She sounded horrible! And the more she sang the worse she got. And the boy that joined her a few moments later certainly didn’t help any.
Stren smiled as I tried to stifle my laughter. Ready watched us both with all the curiosity and innocence of a girl her age.
“What in the world is it?” I asked Stren.
“Just something my Mom gave me last time we went. Isn’t it horrible?”
“I’ll say.”
“I want to hear!” Ready reached for the headphones. I carefully lifted them away from my hair and settled them over her red braids. Immediately, she began to rock back and forth, humming faintly to the tune of the song.
“Well, at least your mother has better taste in books.” I gestured towards the book I had been reading as Stren took a seat next to me.
He picked it up. “My mom gave you this?”
I nodded.
“And it’s good?”
“Yeah. It’s kind of weird, but it’s a nice story.”
“Weird how?”
“I don’t know. It’s just… really fake, unreal…”
“Bogus,” he put in.
“What?” I asked not recognizing the word. “What does that mean?”
“Sorry. It’s something I picked up from Elana.”
I looked away.
“I’m really sorry,” he murmured. “Especially about the roughneck thing.”
Only a person who has experienced it could know just how hard it is to be angry with someone when you have a four-year-old humming in your lap. Believe me, I wanted to be angry with him, but I just couldn’t. Even if Ready hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have been able to, because it was Stren. No matter what, I knew he cared.
“I never meant a word of it,” he continued.
“I know.”
“Elana really isn’t that bad. Won’t you even talk to her? Just for five minutes?”
I looked him in the eye. “All right.” I deposited Ready on the bench, still listening to the song, as I stood up next to Stren.
* * *
Falcon and Stren walked up to my table and sat down.
“Hey, Elana,” Stren greeted me.
“Hey,” I answered him, but my eyes were focused on Falcon. This had to be the first time she had walked up to me by choice. And although she was here, I could tell that she was by no means comfortable.
“What’s going on?” Stren asked.
“Nothing. I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“That song we were talking about yesterday, I guess. I just can’t believe you were laughing at it.”
“The singing was horrible,” he said with a glance at Falcon. “There’s just no other word for it.”
Falcon smiled and turned away.
“Have you heard it?” I asked her.
She looked back at me warily. “Yes.”
“Isn’t it just the sweetest thing?”
She looked at me doubtfully. “Not really.”
“Okay, so the singing ISN’T that good, but aren’t the words so sweet?”
She was silent.
I began to quote. “’While the storm is raging, while the earth is trembling, while the rocks are falling, as long as we’re together, I’ll love you forever.’ How can you not think that’s sweet?”
“’As long as we’re together’?” she questioned. “What happens when they’re NOT together?”
“Why wouldn’t they be together?”
“Everyone’s got to leave at some time,” Stren put in.
“If the person really loved the other it wouldn’t be ‘As long as we’re together’, it would be ‘wherever you are, wherever I am’,” Falcon said.
“But that’s what they’re trying to say. Maybe you should listen to the song again.”
“No, that’s all right. Once is definitely enough.”
“Aw, c’mon.”
She shook her head.
I turned to Stren. “Where’s your CD player?”
“Ready’s using it,” he answered.
“Who?”
Falcon pointed across the room to a little redhead sitting near the door.
“Reddy? Was she named for her hair?”
“No.” Falcon shook her head. “Its Ready, as in, ’ready or not, here I come’.”
“Ready?”
“That’s what she said,” Stren assured me.
“What is with you guys’ names? Ready, and Falcon and Stren—”
“Well, that’s short for Strength,” he cut in.
“Fine, then Ready, and Falcon and STRENGTH. I mean, what kind of names are those? Why couldn’t you all have normal names like Jessica, or Lisa, or Bob, or Joe?”
“They’re normal for down here,” Falcon said.
I stopped. What was I supposed to say to that?
Ready walked up behind Falcon and placed two tiny hands over the older girl’s eyes. “Guess who.”
“Is it Ready?”
“No,” she giggled.
“Are you sure?” Falcon reached up and grabbed her hands and pulled her around to where she could see her. “Yes it is.”
Ready laughed and Falcon smiled.
“What do you need, doll?”
“I’m done with the music.” She placed Stren’s CD player on the table, and started to leave. Falcon grabbed her hand gently.
“Wait a minute. I want to you to tell her,” Falcon pointed to me. “What you thought of it.”
Ready looked down shyly. “It was funny.” She ran off giggling.
“She’s so sweet,” I whispered.
“Whoa,” Stren objected. “You’re putting HER in the same category as the song?”
“No.” I paused and then spoke again, much softer. “I feel so sorry for her.”
“Why?” Falcon asked, a quiet, hard edge suddenly appearing in her voice.
“Because she’s an orphan.”
“Most of us are,” Stren informed her.
I was quiet for a minute. “How many of you are down here because of the Ciani?”
Falcon jerked to face me. “What?”
“How many of you are down here because of the Ciani?”
She stared at me. Stren glanced back and forth between us nervously.
“How many are down here because the Ciani killed your parents?” I persisted.
“Is that the first thing you ask when something bad happens? Is it Ciani’s fault?”
“From what I’ve heard, a lot of things are.”
“Well, what you’ve heard is wrong. You don’t know the first think about the Ciani.”
“You act like you’re their friend.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Look, I just asked a question. I figured that since you were born down here you could answer me.”
“I was never born.” She stood abruptly and began to walk out.
“Falcon!” Stren called after her.
“You’re five minutes are up!” She yelled and left.
Stren sank his head into his hands.
“What did she mean?”
He looked up at me. “What?”
“What did she mean, ‘I was never born’?”
“She meant exactly what she said.”
“But… But how is that possible?”
“It’s a long story.”
“But is it true?”
“It depends on your definition of ‘born’.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look, I can’t explain. I have to go find her.” He got up and walked off.
* * *
How could I have been such an idiot? Why did I think that it would be possible for her to not act like a Surface Person? That was all she was. Sure, she felt sorry for Ready. But she wouldn’t if she knew that Ready was Ciani.
I ran along the hall, not really knowing why, just wanting to run. As if there was anywhere to run to. I would still be underground; part of a secret society that would always be hunted by those that lived above them.
I bumped into a person in the hall.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, not really looking at the person.
“Falcon?” The voice that answered was taught and frightened. “Falcon?”
I looked up. “Sean?”
He swallowed. “Where am I?”
I stared. “How did you get here?”
“I don’t— I don’t know. I was near my house and then I was here.”
Ilen and another Elder came along the passage behind Sean.
Sean suddenly gripped my arms tightly. “Falcon, there was a car. It— It hit me. Am I— Am I…”
I suddenly understood. “Sean, calm down, just calm down. Everything is going to be all right.”
“Do you know him?” Ilen asked.
Sean jerked at the sound of his voice and tried to run away. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back around to face me.
“Let me go!” he yelled.
“Sean, listen to me,” I tried to keep my voice calm and level. “You’re going to be all right. We’re not going to hurt you.”
“Do you know him?” Ilen repeated.
“Yes, this is Stren’s brother.”
“Go get Strength,” he told the other Elder. The man strode off and Ilen turned towards Sean. “Come with me.”
The boy shook his head.
“Please,” Ilen continued.
“Sean,” I said. “It’s all right. I’ll go with you and Stren will be here soon.”
“Stren?”
“Justin. JUSTIN will be here soon. Just, please, do what Ilen says.”
Sean turned around, trembling. I put a hand on his shoulder, just to let him know that I was there. Slowly, he followed after Ilen, as the Elder led us through the halls and into a small room. We’d barely gotten there ourselves before Stren rushed in.
“Justin!” Sean exclaimed, running to his brother.
“Hey,” Stren caught him in his arms. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Princess Elana appeared in the doorway. I turned away. What was she doing here? Couldn’t she understand that this was something private between Stren and Sean? Well maybe she couldn’t, but I could.
I moved across the room and out the door. The Princess followed me as I walked along the hall.
“What’s going on?” She asked behind me.
I didn’t answer.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to face her. “What is going on? He’s from the Surface, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“Then why is he down here. I thought you didn’t allow Surface People down here."
“You’re down here, he’s down here, maybe we’re starting a new policy.” I shook loose from her grasp, but didn’t move away.
“That’s not true, you talked to him like he was a person, I heard you.”
“So what?”
“He’s supposed to be down here.”
“Yes, he is.”
“He’s somehow become one of you.”
I hesitated. “Sean is not a Surface Person any more. He can’t go back to living above ground.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You can’t understand.”
“Yes, I can, if people would only explain things to me.”
“Listen—”
“Falcon!” I turned to see the Elder that had been with Ilen before. “Come with me immediately.” He started walking off briskly. I followed and Princess Elana walked not far behind me. The Elder led us to the door of the caves. “Look.”
I looked out. Stren’s mother and father and brother, Eric were walking around yelling Stren and Sean’s names. I closed my eyes, understanding why they must have come.
“Do you know them?” The Elder asked me.
“Yes.”
“They are Stren’s family then?”
I nodded. “Can I bring them inside?”
“Only to get them away from the eyes of the Surface People.” He began to walk away.
“They will want to see Sean.”
He stopped. “You know our rules. They cannot see anything down here.”
“They have two sons here now. I know this family, they will not betray us for the world.”
He shook his head.
“If we can trust her, then we can trust them.” I nodded towards the princess.
The Elder sighed. “You get them calmed down and I’ll take them to Sean. I’ll be waiting down the hall.”
“Thank you.” He walked off. Slowly, I stepped out, quite grateful that the princess didn’t follow me. Stren’s Father noticed me immediately.
“Falcon!” All three ran over to me.
“Where is Justin?” Stren’s Father demanded.
“He’s inside.”
“And Sean?” Stren’s mother questioned, her voice almost choked out by tears.
“He’s fine. Please, follow me.” I turned and passed back through the entrance. After a moment they hesitantly walked through themselves. I knew it must have been strange for them; they couldn’t see the door, for all they knew they were trying to step through a solid stone wall. But three entered just fine, though slightly unsettled.
“I want to see Sean,” Stren’s Mother said firmly. “I want to see him NOW.”
“You will, I promise.”
“He’s Ciani now, isn’t he? He’s one of you.”
I nodded slowly. “He won’t be able to come back with you.”
“I want to see him,” she said again.”
“Go down this tunnel. You’ll find a man waiting for you. He’ll take you to Sean.”
They left immediately, leaving me alone… almost.
“Ciani?” The princess asked me hesitantly. “You’re Ciani?”
I turned to face her. “Yes.”
“And Stren in Ciani?”
“He’s one of us, isn’t he?”
She turned away. “I am so stupid. Why did I trust you?”
“We trusted you. We’re still trusting you.”
“Trusting me to do what?”
“To keep our secrets safe. To not tell your father where we are.”
“You mean your not going to keep me here forever?”
“No.”
She shook her head and turned to face me. I expected to see hate in her eyes, but there wasn’t. There was something else there, something I couldn’t describe, and it frightened me.
“You and Stren are great liars,” she said. “You almost had me convinced that you were nothing like the Ciani. You almost made me believe that you were peaceful.”
I closed my eyes, not believing what I was hearing. “Don’t you understand? We’re not what you think we are.”
“You said I couldn’t understand, remember?”
“Ciani means ‘second chance’. We’re not here to kill or to steal or anything like that. We’re here to give people a second chance at life. People like Sean and Stren and Ready.” I knew I was pleading, and I hated it. But I had to make her understand.
“What does it matter? Everyone thinks that they’re dead anyway. They can’t help us anymore. What is the point?”
“The point is that they lived. They have a chance to do something and to be someone.” I swallowed. “I have a chance to be someone.”
“To be someone? Who can you be down here? You’re hiding. You can’t win. Sooner or later my father will find you.”
“We only want to live. After all we’re people too. We have names and faces and personalities just like everyone else. You know if your father finds us, he’ll destroy us. Do you really want that to happen?”
“I want to go home,” was all she would answer.
* * *
Stren stared at me. “You’re going? You’ve got to be kidding.”
I stared back at him over my book. “No.”
“You’re going to the palace with Ilen and Diren to take Elana back.”
“I’m trying to read here. Do you mind?”
“Falcon there are people who would kill to see the palace.”
“And I’m not one of them.”
“Even you should be excited. The palace is left over from medieval days. They just modernized it.”
I didn’t answer.
Stren pulled my book down, flat on the table. “It’s left over from the glory days.”
I faked a smile. “The glory days were made by people, not buildings.”
“But the people who began the glory days lived in the palace.”
“So did the people who ended them.”
Stren stared at me. “You’re hopeless.”
“Why thank yo—” My eyes shifted to a figure over Stren’s shoulder. “Oh, stink!”
“What?”
I hid my face behind one hand. “Steel’s coming this way.”
“So?”
“We’re not exactly on the best of terms.”
“What else is new?”
“It’s worse than normal right now.”
“I see.”
Steel stopped at our table. “Hello, Stren… Falcon.”
“Good morning, Steel,” Stren greeted her.
She glanced down at the book in my hands. “What are you reading
today? Another antiquated fairy tale form the Surface?”
I smiled up at her sweetly. “What are you wearing today? Another antiquated fashion from the Surface trash heaps?”
“Thank you for noticing.” She smiled back.
“It wasn’t hard.”
“Very funny.”
“I thought it was.”
“Good bye, Falcon.”
“Good bye, Steel.” She walked off.
“Well,” Stren said. “That was interesting.”
“Uh-huh.” I picked up my book again and began to read.
“What is going on with Steel?”
“She’s just being herself.”
“Meaning?”
“I beat her in one of our classes and she’s sore about it, as usual.”
“Oh.” We were quiet for a minute. “So when are you going?”
“Going?” I looked up.
“When are you going to the palace?”
“In about two hours.”
“Wait a minute— you’re going today?”
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“But she only found out who we were yesterday.”
“Yeah. So?”
“If she goes home today, she wouldn’t have any time to think about what she’s doing.”
“She knows exactly what she’s doing.” I got up and left.
My advice to you would be: Don't don't don't don't change the first sentences.
They hooked me almost immediately and drew me right away into the story. It made me love your dragons right away. I just love the flare, the subtle trace of je-ne-sais-quoi.
I gobbled the prologue up. XD I think it was great, and there is very little to have to be changed. If you want, you could shorten it a little, and have one of the characters revealing a few choicy parts later on, like the fact it was a group of magicians who betrayed their kindred or, well, any other part! ^^;
A few mistakes I picked up:
"[...] and he was not the only one who was tired"
Typo; take out the "there was"
'nother typo; "[...] throughout the entire world."
The you won't mind a bit more will you?
Chapter 3
I looked around the room, still feeling like a fish caught on land. Despite the fact that I had been there for two whole weeks, I still felt completely foreign in this place and with these people.
They were a strange people, completely content to ignore the goings on on the surface for the most part. Some of them read our books. About half of them were in possession of a CD player. But besides that, they had a completely separate culture. They had their own clothing: dressing in a style that was almost Chinese, and yet so definitely not. They had their own set of rules and guidelines. Their own kind of music: beautiful melodies that no words, and yet you knew exactly what they were talking about.
And they definitely had their own ideas about entertainment. Instead of watching TV (as far as I knew, they didn’t even have a television set) they sat and read to each other and wrote stories of their own. Instead of playing video games they played instruments and learned intricate dances to go along with their music. Some danced along or in pairs. Others danced in groups. Still others danced with weapons, twirling blades round and round, spinning wooden staves over their heads and under their feet.
Falcon seemed to be particularly good at those kind of dances, and though others would ask her over and over she would never perform in public. She always went off alone, humming the tunes to herself. I followed her sometimes to watch, though I never told her. I knew that she would hate me for it, as if she didn’t hate me enough already.
Beside the day that we had met she had not spoken a single word to me, unless it was completely unavoidable. She seemed to hate the very sight of me, and yet she seemed to fear me as well. Whatever her feelings towards me, she stayed as far away from me as possible. Stren said it was just her way.
Stren. He wasn’t like the rest of them. At times I could almost convince myself that he belonged to my world, and then he’d go and do something that would make it only too clear that he was not, like sticking up for Falcon, or saying something that was so different from anything that I would have expected. He told me that he had once lived on the Surface, and I believed it. But it was obvious that he didn’t belong there anymore, but in a non-obvious way, if that was possible.
And while I did feel very out of place there, I also felt strangely free. Stren had told me that it would probably be better if I didn’t tell everyone that I was a princess. So for the first time in my entire life, I was free to walk around with people my age with our having them constantly bowing and saying “your majesty”. I felt free. And that felt good.
yep!
Did I hear someone ask for more? Well here ya go!
(btw, I am still working on the Prolouge, but I needed some pointers to help me out. Thanks y'all)
Chapter 2
Stren and I looked up at Ilen from where we sat, watching as he paced back and forth across the room.
“You both need to understand just what this could mean,” he told us sternly. “The fact that she could see the entrance either means that something is broken, or that she has magic of her own. If it is the latter, which I strongly suspect that it is, than that means that magic is back in the Surface world and that they'll have a way to find us.”
“But won’t the Surface People be just as afraid of them, as they are us?”
“No, it is no longer just a fear of magic that keeps them hunting us. We’ve had a reputation of being liars and thieves for generations now, and that has been ground into their minds since they were children. You know that, you lived in their world once. I’m sure there will be some fear, there always is when you can’t explain something, but it will not keep them from using those with magic to catch us.”
I lowered my head into my hands.
“This is a nightmare,” I told myself. “And in just a moment I’ll wake up, and everything will be fine.” I knew it wasn’t true, but I tired to make myself believe that it was.
A woman entered the room and before the door shut, I caught a glimpse of the Princess outside, pacing back and forth across the hall, waiting for something, though she didn’t know what.
“What is it, Diren?” Ilen asked the woman.
“I’ve checked all the systems connected to the entrance as you requested,” she told him.
“And?”
“There’s nothing wrong with them.’
Ilen closed his eyes and Stren said something under his breath.
“I just wish we knew who she was,” Ilen muttered.
“Elana Shaltz,” I said quietly.
“What?” Both Diren and Ilen turned to face me.
“Her name is Elana Shaltz. PRINCESS Elana Shaltz.”
“Princess?” Stren stared. “But that would make her—“
“She’s the King’s daughter,” I confirmed.
“Then should we send her back?” Stren asked. “Her father will come looking—“
“No!” Ilen exclaimed. “No, we cannot do that. She has seen too much already. And anything that she has seen, will at some time or another make to her father’s ear.” He shook his head. “She must see more before we can even consider sending her back.”
“More?” I demanded. “Why? You said yourself that anything she sees will find it’s way to the King.”
“She must see us for who we truly are. That is our chance, Falcon. If she tells her Father he will come to us with an army. We have no way to defend ourselves against that. We must make her understand that all we want to do is live. Perhaps we can do that by showing her our world.” He stared hard at me, as if trying to force this concept into my mind with his eyes. “YOU must show her.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“I want nothing to do with her.”
“I know it. That is why you must. Perhaps it will finally teach you the lesson I’ve been trying to teach you for years.”
“And what lesson is that?”
“That just because a people does something wrong, it doesn’t mean that there is no good in them.”
“You may think so.”
“Falcon! That is enough! You will do as you are told.”
I stared him straight in the eye and then walked out, making it clear that I would not.
* * *
“He’s given her a room at the end of the east hall,” Stren said as I continued straightening the papers on my desk.
“Good.” I moved to the other end of my room to put a book away on my shelves. “The farther away from me, the better.”
Stren turned his head to watch me. “Ilen still expects you to show her around.”
“He can expect anything he likes.”
“This isn’t like you.”
“What isn’t like me?”
“Falcon…”
I turned around to face him. “I don’t want anything to do with her.”
“But you’ll visit my family.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Why is she so different from my family?”
“Because she’s a princess, Stren! She’s the daughter of the man who wrote our death sentence!”
“But SHE didn’t write it. And just because she’s his daughter doesn’t mean that she agrees with him on everything.”
I turned my back to him, jaw clenched. Why did he always have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn’t he just understand?
“You gave her a chance,” Stren went on, a little quieter than before. “Why won’t you give her one?”
“Because you were Ciani. She will never even understand the Ciani. She can’t, she’s from the Surface.”
“When are you going to realize that the Ciani are not the only people who aren’t bad?”
“When are you going to realize that they want us dead?”
“Not everything about them is bad," he insisted. "You read their books and you listen to their music. You don’t find anything wrong with them.
“That doesn’t mean that the people are all right.”
“You never take the time to find out if they’re all right or not. You just shoot them down.”
“When did they ever take the time to learn about US before shooting US down? At least I only do it verbally.”
“Maybe if we started it, they’d follow.”
“Yeah, they’d follow with weapons.”
“They might stop to learn if we did.”
“No, they wouldn’t, Stren. Maybe in the glory days, but not now.”
“What ‘glory days’?”
“Don’t you remember the stories that Ethrin used to tell about how things used to be? About the great kingdoms of Dragons and Unicorns and Griffins, and the kingdoms of Humans? Back when there were knights, and kings, and princesses and honor?”
“Back when we could still walk openly on the Surface?
“Back when battles were fought fairly, Stren. When they didn’t force people into hiding for things they couldn’t help. Their glory days are gone.”
He was silent for a moment. “Kings and Princesses still exist, honor can be found and knights can be made."
“Yeah? Well, if they’re made right now, they’ll be made to destroy US.”
“People can change, Falcon. We have a chance to help Elana change.”
“Elana? Since when are you on a first name basis?”
He turned away.
“You’ve talked to her, haven’t you?”
“And what if I have?”
“How could you?”
“If you’re not going to, then somebody has to,” he said, his voice rising. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about all of us.”
“She reminds you of the people back home, doesn’t she?”
“Well she’s certainly a stark contrast against the roughneck girls down here.”
The words landed on me like a slap on the face and I stared at him. “Roughneck?”
“Falcon,” he whispered. “I’m s—“
“No. Don’t say anything. Just get out.”
so, when are you going to post more? i like this. and i agree with randy and Cacophony, the prologue was well written with that much information, but is there a way to add flare to it? action would be good, but i don't think that would fit with the way you've written it so far. description would eb good, and maybe active tense, not passive (please don't ask me what the difference is, i can spot it, but that's about it. Zzap would be a good person to ask).
*shrugs* what can I say? My dad got me started on them, and I've branched off from there. You can't deny the coolness of them. *blinks as she realizes just how... odd... that sounded*
*shrugs it off*
Thanks for the comments, both of you. Here's the Next Chapter:
Chapter 1
I jerked as he called my name again.
“Falcon!”
I looked over at him. “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t hear you.” I glanced around the table. Everyone was staring at me; Stren’s Mother and Father and especially his brothers, Eric and Sean. I looked down at my hands. I hated this. Every time I came here Stren’s family looked at me as if I was something… different. And I was to them. I guess I should have been happy they even let me in the door.
“Are you okay, Falcon?” Stren asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” But he knew I was uncomfortable her. His family was okay for Surface People, but they were still Surface People.
“Are you sure, Dear?” Stren’s Mother said.
“Yeah.” She never called me Falcon. I think she thought it would make it final that I was Ciani. Couldn’t she see that it was already final?
“The Ciani were on the news again,” Eric commented. I looked at him across the table. “They said you robbed a bank and shot four people doing it.”
Stren looked at me and quickly replied, “We didn’t.”
“I know YOU didn’t.” Both he and Sean looked at me accusingly.
“Are you saying that I did?”
“Of course they aren’t,” Stren’s Mother answered for them.
“It’s all right,” I insisted. “They can say anything they want. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it may be.” I stared defiantly across the table at the two boys.
For a second there was silence all around the table. Stren’s Father cleared his throat.
“Well,” Stren began, searching for something to say. “Lunch was great, Mom. But I think that it’s time for Falcon and I to be getting back.”
“Of course, Justin.” Couldn’t she even admit that he was called Stren now? It'd been 4 years since he was Justin. She rose from her seat and went into the kitchen. Slowly, Stren and I also left our seats.
“Good-bye, Justin,” Stren’s Father said. “Come back soon.”
“I’ll try.”
“Would you come in here dear?” Stren’s Mother called to me from the next room. I obeyed.
“Here,” she handed me a package wrapped in colorful paper. “Justin told us that you liked to read, so we thought that you might like this.”
“Thank you.” I looked down at it, turning it over in my hands.
She hooked a finger under my chin and lifted my face until I was facing her and searched my eyes. “You’re very pretty... just a little pale.”
I took a step backwards to some distance between the two of us. “I don’t get out into the sun much.”
“I’m— I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be. I’m not sorry about what I am.”
She looked down. “Of course.”
We walked to the front door where Stren and the rest of the family were waiting. Stren’s Mother gave him a hug and handed him a bag.
“We’ll see you soon,” she said.
Stren nodded and then we both went out the door.
“I’m sorry,” Stren whispered as we descended the steps in front of the house.
“For what?” I whispered back.
“For what they said.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t tell them to say it.”
“But they’re still my brothers.”
I looked over at him as we walked down the street. I knew it hurt him to come back, to see his family show so much fear, and in some cases, contempt for him new way of life. I knew it had to hurt to see that everything had changed. But I also knew that he had to come. However they had changed they were still his family. They cared for each other no matter what. It was a bond that I just couldn’t seem to understand, having never had family of my own.
“I really appreciate you coming with me like this,” Stren said after we had been walking for a little while.
“What?”
“What what? Can’t I say thank you?’
“I’ve been coming to the Surface with you for years. You’ve never said thank you before.”
“Then it should have been said years ago.
I smiled, but said nothing.
“You may not believe me, but I mean it. I don’t think that the Elders would let me come if you didn’t come too.”
“They let you come because they know how much it means to you. It has nothing to do with me. They’d let you come alone, if they had to.”
“If you say so.” He was quiet for a moment, just looking around at the world he once lived in. “It’s weird, every time I come here it seems less like home and more like the Surface. I go to my house and I can’t imagine ever living there. It just doesn’t feel right. I mean, my family lives up here, but… Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?”
“Not really.”
“That’s right, you’ve lived in the caves with a bunch of Dragons all your life.”
I nodded to a passing person and then murmured to Stren, “Shh, if they hear us, we’re dead.”
“Oh, sure, they’re all just waiting for us to slip up so they can point us out.”
“Stren…”
“I’ve got news for you: they don’t care. They’re all too busy with they’re own little problems.”
“Stren.” My voice got quieter and quieter every time I spoke, something he should have known was a danger sign.
“They’re not waiting to pounce on us. Here… look.” He walked up to a boy about our age who was walking by. “Hi, I live in a set of underground caves with Dragons.”
“Stren!”
The boy gave us both a strange look, but walked on by.
“See! They don’t care.”
I looked away.
“Falcon. I’m sorr—“
“This may be a lot of fun to you, but it isn’t to me,” I told him quietly, and this time he noticed my tone. “If we get caught, we’ll be dead. We won’t go to jail for a few years and get let out later on. We’ll be DEAD. This isn’t a game.”
“I’m sorry,” Stren said softly and I knew that he meant it.
I tried to smile. “Lets keep going.”
“Okay.”
We walked in silence, navigating our way through the streets. A woman walked past and I hardly looked at her, but Stren followed her with his eyes until she was far behind us.
“Some one you know?” I asked, wondering why he had watched her so.
“No.” He glanced over his shoulder at the woman, then turned back and opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped suddenly. While Stren’s expression could hardly have been called happy, it abruptly changed completely.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“There’s a girl following us.”
"I thought you said they weren’t waiting to pounce on us.”
He ignored my comment. “Look over your shoulder, slowly.” I did, and sure enough there was a blonde girl who seemed to be following us.
“Seem,” I thought to myself. “Only SEEM.” And then aloud. “It’s only your imagination, keep going.” We continued on, weaving our way through the streets and eventually leaving them altogether. We cut across a field towards a ridge of mountains. And still the girl followed us.
I knew she was following us. I simply couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t anymore. But I didn’t like it one bit. Why should she be following us? Unless…
“No,” I told myself. “She couldn’t know.”
“Stren,” I nudged his elbow. “Any suggestions?”
“Go home,” he said simply. “That’s all we can do.”
We crossed over a hill and approached a cave carved into the side of the mountains. The outline shimmered, showing it to be magic. We dashed inside and whirled around to watch our follower.
Stren sighed in relief as the girl looked around in confusion.
“What?” I demanded. “You didn’t actually think that she would be able to see the cave, did you? Nobody but our kind can.”
“I know. It’s just… you know… she followed us… I couldn’t help thinking that she might have been one of us.”
“In which case, we wouldn’t have had anything to worry about, would we?”
“I guess not.” We watched as the girl moved off and then quietly started walking farther back into the cave. I hated the silence.
“So… Why were you watching that woman? I mean, if you didn’t know her then…”
“She looked like you,” Stren said bluntly.
“What?”
“Do you think she might have been your mother?”
I shook my head and didn’t answer.
“Don’t you ever wonder things like that?”
“No.”
“You’re not the least bit curious?”
“Curious about what?”
“About what? About what your life could have been. I mean, don’t you ever wonder what your name would have been or where you would have lived?”
“No.”
“C’mon, just think about it for ten seconds. Your name could have been Alicia or Lindsey. And you might have lived in a mansion or—“
“But my name IS Falcon and I live in an underground invisible cave system. Okay?”
“My ten seconds weren’t up,” he said, pulling on my arm to make me stop.
“My name is NEVER going to be Alicia. And it’s NEVER going to be Lindsey, or any other Surface name for that matter. My name is Falcon and there’s no reason to pretend it’s anything else.”
Stren stared at me. I looked away, realizing what I must sound like.
“I don’t want to be one of them, Stren.” My voice still had not lost its edge, but it was better. “I DON’T want to.” I lifted my head again.
He looked at me for a moment before saying anything. “Today just isn’t my day, is it?”
“Stren… I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t apologize. It’s my fault.”
“No. No, Stren, it’s not. It’s just—“
“Hello?” Stren and I whirled to face the intruder and found the blonde that had been following us earlier. She smiled uncomfortably as we stared.
“I’m a little lost,” she continued, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “Could you tell me where I am?”
I closed my eyes, trying to think. If she was from the Surface, she was a threat and the Elders must be told. But the fact that she was down here at all, said that she was one of us. And yet everything about her scream of the Surface. My eyes were back open in a flash.
“Excuse us a second, will you?” I said to the blonde and then dragged Stren away until we were hidden from view by a bend in the tunnel.
“So what do we do now?” Stren asked, a little louder than he should have.
“Shh,” I whispered. “She’ll hear you.”
He lowered his voice. “What do we do?”
“You keep going, find one of the Elders and bring him back. I’ll try and keep her here.”
“You think she’s from the Surface?”
“Do you?”
He considered a moment before answering. “Yes.”
“I agree.”
Stren searched my eyes. “Are you going to be okay alone with her?”
“I think I can take care of myself.”
“Are you going to be okay with her?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Be careful.”
“Right. Now get going.” Stren headed off down the tunnel while I returned to the girl.
“Where’d your friend go?” She asked.
“He had to…” I searched for something to tell her. “Go home.”
“Home?” She didn’t seem to believe me. “In that direction?” She gestured down the tunnel.
“There’s more than one way out,” I assured her.
She stared hard at me. “Is there something wrong?”
“No, nothing at all.”
“So… what’s your name?”
“Falcon.”
“Falcon?”
“That is what I said. And you are?”
“Me?”
“Yeah, what’s your name?”
“My name. You’ve got to be kidding.”
I was quiet.
“You don’t know who I am?”
“No. Should I?”
“Well, yes… I’m Elana Shaultz. Princess Elana Shaultz.”
I stared.
“Well… Falcon,” the princess said. “If you’ll tell me where I am and how to get out, I’ll be on my way.”
I looked away, trying to figure out how to keep her there. What could I say? I really didn’t want to talk to her. She was the exact opposite of me in every way, even in looks. She had shoulder-length blonde hair and bright blue eyes, everything that you expected a princess to look like. I, other hand, had long dark hair that reached past my waist and eyes just as dark. And even if we had looked exactly alike, we still would have been exact opposites, because she was from the Surface and I was Ciani. But how did she get down here in the first place? How could she?
“Well?” Princess Elana asked.
“How did you get in?”
“What?”
I hadn’t really meant to ask, but I couldn’t take it back. “How did you get in?”
“I walked in, just like you did.”
“Right… you just walked right in.”
“Yeah… I walked right in. Why is that so hard to believe?”
This is a pretty good story with a lot of room for improvement. There are a few grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixed. You should consider adding more "flare" to it. The author seems bored. It just seems like he's writing this because he has to, and not because he wants to. You could fix this by just using more descriptive wording.
There are a few places in the middle and toward the end where sort of just jumbles together, and I get really confused (that's hard to do, by the way, so don't worry;)). Just take your time with it; try not to rush it.
It's an excellent idea, and I really like the story (the parts I understand, at least). Maybe you could add some sort of personal hatred between the King and the dragons.
Once again, I really like the idea here, but it could use some work.
So dragon's started it, huh? Guess I'm not the only one who likes them
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Anyway, this is pretty good. Your style is interesting. You managed to sum up a lot of backstory without making it sound too dull and text-book like. I wonder if a little action wouldn't make this even better. This seems to do a good job of setting the tone for the rest of the story, which I'm looking forward to