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I actually understood this story. It was rather, nice. Good work...
One says, glancing out my eyes and then moving father back into my head
The Black Rose wrote:Yes, I can totally relate to this. It was beautifully written and I love it.... this has to be the best thing I have ever read in a long while *wipes tear from eye**sniffles*I NEED A HUG *sobs* This was really good!
“He’s so beautiful when he smiles…” Three continues. “Just look at him… please…”
Yes, I can totally relate to this. It was beautifully written and I love it.... this has to be the best thing I have ever read in a long while *wipes tear from eye*
I NEED A HUG *sobs* This was really good!
I liked that this showed how we argue with oursevles. It definitely reminded me of me...though I've never had a boyfriend to be bale to break up with or be dumped by. Good job!
My favorite part was near the end, where her ex comes over and asks if she's okay. I also like the part where the people in Kate's head are all like, "She [the new girlfriend] just remembers what it feels like," or something along those lines.
I thought it was pretty well-written. What really made me happy was the lack of many spelling and grammar errors that I seem to see a lot in anything I read. I don't think I even saw any errors in the story. But then again, I didn't re-read every single sentence.
Lol, oops, sorry. I feel evil now.
Wow... I love it when people dig up old work... lol... Thanks for all the comments, guys...
Jennafina - there are two sequels up here on the YWS. They're called "Voices II" and "Voices III: the break-up". Go ahead and check them out.
Wow. Just--wow. Oh, Dusky, you are so talented! The turbulance of self-conflict was very well portrayed. At first I thought that she was going to be skitzophrenic (<spelling--awful, I know), but it wasn't at all.
I could tell a difference between the voices, especially One and Two: Reason and Anger. Three and Four were a little harder to differenciate, but I don't think it matters. I could tell that Three was the part of her that was still in love and hopeful, and Four was like nostalgia, bittersweet remembrance and longing.
Very emotional, and creative. I loved it!
Wow! Thats amazing! I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
“Maybe she really does,” One says, glancing out my eyes and then moving father back into my head so that she can think without having to watch.
Shouldn't 'father' be 'farther'?
I can't wait to see your sequel!
Wow Duskie, you are so talented! I really liked this peice, for a little while at the beginning i was competly lost but thats just because I had a late night last night.
Great portrayal of emotion here.
However. (Gosh, I hate to sound redundant, but) I had difficulty telling the difference between voice 1, 3, and 4. Four in particular doesn't seem to stand out in my mind as being, what's the word? Pivotal? She doesn't really have any EMOTION connected with her, so it's difficult to see what facet of Kate she represents. Yes, her motive is memory, but what emotion comes with it? Pain? Jealousy?
My suggestion would be find an emotion to go with four (because, essentially, they're ALL memory oriented) or cancel her out and blend her thoughts with the three remaining voices. Three would be easier to keep track of, anyhow.
But just a suggestion!
Other than that, wonderful job, Dusky. This was a very powerful piece.
I really enjoyed reading this. It's quite the sort of thing that anyone can relate to at some point in their lives because we all have voices in our head, arguing all the time, (or at least I do ) but this was very well written. I liked the dialouge, and the only suggestion I could make ha already been said... Make it clear which emotion each number represents.
Apart from that! I am looking forward to reading the next part.
I liked it. I can relate to the character Jen on how the voices in her head argue with whether she should or shouldn't hang out with them. I look forward to reading more. Good job!
Really? Cool! I'd like to read more of this style... it's really cool. Wait, that was redundant. Sorry, I'm tired. But what I'm trying to say is that I like it. A lot.
Thanks! I've got a sequel in the works right now...
...Wow. I love this. So much. If ever you want to see the chaos that constantly goes on in my mind, this definitely shows it. Although my chaos is usually with two, maybe three voices. Not four.
I hope you write more. This was really great!
Ohhhhh I loved the idea! Nice job..
A little too emo and reminiscent of Gollum for my taste, but very well written. I'm not sure if you changed it around since Hunter's post, but I could clearly tell which number was which emotion. That seems like it would be difficult. It's also very keen to real, natural teenage emotions.
The end was strong, but the dialogue you gave the guy was weak. It held no emotion, and I don't think three was prominent enough when he spoke to Kate. I mean, obviously all of the emotions would be strong, but it seems to me (this is just a personal opinion, of course) that three would try to be a little more forceful.
Wow! You must have done a better job than I first thought, since I'm getting so into the emotions and the numbers.
Thanks to both of you.
Kilty wrote:Is there more to it?
That was really original and enjoyable. I liked the way you portrayed the different sides you were feeling, something we've all felt. Great job
This is a great story. I like how you personified different parts of the brain. It's really imaginative! I do suggest giving each one a more distinct personality, so that through their differences you can see how they work together--I dunno. It is an interesting concept. Anyway, great story. Is there more to it?
*laughs and blushes* thanks... tweaking is under way...
Good Lord, Dusky. No wonder you won "Best Writer"!!
This was incredible. I loved it... it was clever, creative, evocative.
Maybe you could tweak it a bit to make the personalities of the voices a bit more defined. Other than that, I adored it. Fan-tab-u-lus.
Okay. I'll work on that and see if I can't revise it a little.
Actually I like the numbers. Generic, yet interesting. If you just change the dialogue and the WAY they do things, like stompin around for Two instead of walking around....you know?
Thanks. I was hoping that I did a good job on it, but it as sort of hard to write, considering that I'm the Jen character in real life.
I thought about naming the voices. Like One would have been "Common Sense", Two would have been "Furious", Three would have been "Head Over Heels", and Four would have been "Memory". Would that work better? Or should I just try to redo some of the dialouge to make things a little clearer?
I like this. Little bit of a gollum thing going on, but which of us doesn't have a few voices in our heads arguing?
Dusky.....jeez this was good to read--it totally reflects me, even though I know it's not...
I really liked this. Alot.
I have but one nit-pick--I didn't notice much a of a character difference between the four voices...perhaps if you better defined them with a specific emotion/ outlook it would be more efficient? Maybe i'm just not reading it correctly...
In anycase, I really enjoyed this. Great job.
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