z

Young Writers Society



Voices IV: We miss you...

by Duskglimmer


The restaurant was crowded as we entered. It usually was since we didn’t come here unless we had a large group. Usually, we just settled for somebody’s house when we wanted to hang out, but when we had this many of us together, we tended to drive the people around us crazy. Better to do that with some waitresses that we never had to see again, than to forever imprint out parents’ minds with thought that they would never host a gathering like that again.

I followed Kelly in, looking for a table that had room for the two of us. She steered toward the back of the room, where some of the guys had claimed a booth tucked into the corner.

“Nope, not here,” Ben said, sliding over to make sure that Kelly couldn’t sit down at the booth as we approached. “This is the singles table only, babe,” he went on, smiling. “You’ve gotta go sit with your boyfriend.”

Kelly laughed. “Alright, Ben.” She walked happily across the room to where her boy, Jason was seated with his friends at another table. I turned to follow her, smiling myself.

“You don’t have to go, Jenn,” Jay told me from his seat opposite Ben. He scooted around to give me room on the bench next to him, the other guys at the table shifting as well. “Have a seat.”

“Oh, yeah,” One says. “We’re single now.” She takes a seat, looking at the guys at the table.

Four bites her lip. “Yeah…We are.”

Three plops down in front of my eyes, grinning as she looks at Jay. “And perfectly available.”

“Three!” One and Four say in unison.

“Well, we are,” Three returns.

“But they’re our friends,” Two reminds her. “Just friends.”

“Exactly,” One agrees. “We like it that way. No worrying about what they think of us, or if we’re losing them or not. Just pure, honest friendship.”

I slipped into the seat beside Jay, smiling as I settled my purse and coat at my feet. “What’s up guys?” I asked.

“Not too much, we were just talking about…” Ben trailed off, looking at Zach beside him. “Are we allowed to tell her?”

Zach nodded. “She’s cool. In fact…” He leaned over the table looking at me. “Maybe you can give us an answer.”

“I can try,” I said, shrugging. “Shoot.”

“Well,” Zach began. He paused choosing his words wisely. “We were just wondering what is up with clothes designers that choose to make booty shorts…”

My head sank into my hands.

“He didn’t,” One says, trying to suppress her own laughter.

“He did,” Three assures her.

“No, no,” Zach told me. “I’m not finished.’

I looked up, trying hard not to laugh. “Go on.”

Jay bit back a smile as he saw my face.

“Okay,” Zach said. “So what is up with clothes designers that choose to make booty shorts, and then write words across the back of them? Do they think there is something extremely attractive about this?”

“We hope and pray not,” One says.

“If they do, they’re crazy,” I tell him. “But then, I do think they have more than few screws loose.”

“Ah,” Zach said, nodding as if that explained everything. “The curse of the loose screws.”

I laughed. “Right.”

“So are you gonna be at the party next Friday?” Matt asked looking at me from Jay’s other side.

I blinked. “What party?”

Matt smacked Jay lightly across the shoulder. “You said you were going to tell her, man!”

Jay raised his hands in front of himself in some form of defense. “Hey!” he objected. “She hasn’t been online over the past few days.”

“Yeah,” I said, coming to Jay’s rescue. “Don’t blame him. I’ve been busy lately. School’s being annoying and eating all my free time.”

“See.” Jay dropped an arm around my shoulders. “I would have told my girl if I’d had the chance.”

I blinked, looking at his hand where it rested on my arm.

“Did he just…” One asks as she and Two stared at his hand.

“Oh my…” Three says, glancing at Jay out of the corner of my eye.

“Why didn’t you catch her at school or something?” Matt asked, still looking at Jay accusingly.

“Because Jenn is one of those awesome homeschoolers,” Zach told him. He shook his head. “You’re just out of the loop, aren’t you, Matt?”

Matt looked at me curiously. “You’re homeschooled?”

“Um, Jenn dear,” One says, pointing to my shoulder. “Jay dear still hasn’t moved his hand.”

“I’m thinking he needs a little reminder that friendship does have limits,” Two agrees.

“Um, yeah, definitely homeschooled,” I told Matt, looking down at Jay’s hand. “But you know, Jay, I don’t know what you’re callin’ me your girl for, because I thought this was the singles table.” I pulled his hand away from my shoulder and he drew it back into his lap, jokingly looking disappointed.

“Darn,” he murmured. We laughed.

“Okay,” Matt said, turning toward me. “So since my idiot friend forgot to tell you…” Jay looked at him warningly, but Matt ignored him, continuing. “There’s a party at my house next Friday at eight. We expect you to be there because it…” He met my eyes, looking dead serious. “Is going to rock.”

“Alright!” Three says excitedly. “Party at Matt’s house! We are so totally there!”

One looks over at her. “My gosh… must you always talk like that?”

Two just smiles. “It should be fun. Let’s go.”

“Alright,” I told him, laughing. “I’ll see if I can arrange my weekend accordingly.”

“’Arrange her weekend accordingly’,” Zach repeated, looking to Ben. “Don’t you just love the way she talks?”

Ben just shakes his head. “It’s so… “ He looked for a word.

“Sophomoric?” I supplied.

He looked confused. “You’re a Junior.”

“I know,” I replied. “Sophomoric means that I think I’m smart, but I’m not.”

Ben thought about that for a moment. “That definitely fits a Sophomore. But you’re a Junior.”

“I know, but…” I stopped, just shaking my head.

“Hey, guys,” Leo said, appearing beside me at the table. My stomach suddenly tightened at the sound of his voice.

“Oh, no,” Four whispers, sinking back. “Is he really here?”

“Yeah.” One eyes him seriously. “He is.”

“And why shouldn’t he be?” Three questions. She looks up at him easily “These are his friends too.”

“Why do we still feel this way about him?” Four asks, trying to slip further back. “It’s been six months. We haven’t been dating him for six months.”

“Because we loved him,” One murmurs. “And he said that he loved us.”

Five entered abruptly, glaring up at Leo. “He lied.”

“No!” One and Four yelled. “He said what he thought was true!” they continued, driving Five back “He never meant to hurt us.”

Five slowly faded away.

“Hey, man!” Matt said, standing up to clasp Leo’s hand across the table. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” Leo said, smiling. “I’ve been busy. I just got off work actually.” He pulled aside his trench coat to show them his uniform. “I figured you guys would be here.”

“Well, have a seat, man,” Matt told him. Matt, Jay and I shifted around to give him room beside me at the end of the bench. I turned slightly away, trying to keep my attention on the others, though I couldn’t help by notice the feel of his arm against mine in the close packed booth.

“No,” Four says. “We’re not doing that again. No more crushing.”

“So, Matt,” Ben began, stirring up the conversation again. “Are we gonna pull out the potato gun again Friday night?”

Matt looked uneasy. “I don’t know, Ben…”

“Potato gun?” Leo asked. He leaned forward in interest.

“He built his own potato gun,” Ben told him. “Come on, Matt. That thing’s amazing.”

“The last time we had it out we nearly killed my neighbor’s dog,” Matt said, shaking his head.

Ben didn’t seem to see the problem in that. “So?” he asked.

Matt and I laughed.

“My parents weren’t thrilled,” Matt explained.

“Killjoys,” Ben muttered.

Leo nudged my arm as they continued. “Hey,” he said quietly. “Are you alright?”

“What?” I asked, slightly surprised.

“Are you alright?” he repeated.

“Why do you always have to ask?” Four questions, the emotion draining from her voice. She swallows, her eyes showing all the hurt that her voice doesn’t.

“I’m fine,” I told him quickly, trying to return to the others’ conversation.

“I feel like we haven’t talked in ages,” Leo went on, drawing me back.

“Who’s fault is that?” Five asks, creeping in again.

“I know I haven’t called,” Leo told me.

“Excuses. You said the day we broke up that you’d still call me every night,” Five reminds.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“You promised,” Five spits.

Four looks down, remembering everything Leo had said.

One looked at her in concern. “It’s alright,” she says comfortingly.

“It’s fine,” I told him quickly. “I’ve been busy too.”

“Hey, Jenn,” Zach said, interrupting Leo and I.

“Thank you,” Four says.

“Your dad’s the movie person,” Zach went on. “Do you guys own Monty Python?”

I shook my head. “No, sorry.”

“What?” Ben looked shocked. “How can that be? You’ve seen it, right?”

“Yeah,” I told him, shrugging. “But it’s one of those movies that it’s funnier to talk about and quote with your friends than it is to watch.”

“What?!” Matt looked at me, stunned. “But what about the Holy Hand Grenade?” He launched into the monologue, quoting the movie word for word and I laughed all the way through it.

“See?” he demanded at the end. “It’s funny!”

“Yes,” I told him. “But I’m quoting it with my friends, not watching it."

“Oh…” he looked away in frustration, trying to figure out how to finish his own sentence. “Freakers,” he said finally. I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

The conversation continued smoothly as we moved on from Monty Python and into the subject of explosives and the way they are portrayed in movies. I couldn’t remember the last time I had smiled that much and soon my cheeks literally hurt from laughing.

But every time I looked over at Leo, he was looking back at me, a strange mix of admiration and affection in his eyes, all hidden behind one of his defensive walls that I had learned to see beyond a long time ago. Or maybe I hadn’t learned to see beyond it as well as I thought. Maybe I was wrong. I had to be wrong.

“What is he thinking?” One asks, looking at him in irritation.

“Why is he looking at us that way?” Four wonders.

“That’s the way he used to look at us,” Three says. She straightens up, looking at him. “Maybe—“

“No,” Four interrupts. Her voice is taught. “No.”

I tried to pay attention to what Jay was saying at the time. Something about Black Hawk Down. My mind wasn’t focusing, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Leo, still eyeing me with that same expression.

I turned to face him slowly, meeting his gaze, but he didn’t look away.

“What are you thinking?” I asked quietly.

Leo looked down, laughing it off. “Nothing.”

“Don’t let him shrug it off that way,” One orders.

“No,” I said, almost sharply. I stopped, readjusting my tone. “Tell me.”

Leo met my eyes again, smiling. “I was just thinking about how much I’ve missed you,” he whispered.

“No,” Four says. “Not again.”

“No,” Five says, stepping in, her voice much firmer than Four’s. “Never again.” She glares at Leo. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I’ve missed you too, Leo,” I said, looking away as I gathered my things. I pressed him lightly on the shoulder and he got up, looking confused as I slipped past him.

“Where you going?” Jay asked, seeing me get up.

I smiled at the other guys at the table. “I’ve got to be heading home. I’ll see you all later.”

“Friday,” Matt reminded.

I smiled. “Right. Friday.” I turned and headed toward the door.

“We came with Kelly,” Two says, her voice growing anxious. “We can’t just walk out on our friends.”

Five ignores her, eyes focused on the door.

“We have to at least tell Kelly that we’re leaving!” Two says. “She’ll freak later when she can’t find us.”

“Jay or Zach can tell her that we went home,” Five tells her.

“But we don’t have a ride!” Two tries one last time.

“So, we walk,” Five snaps.

I pushed open the door quickly, going out into the cold night air. Leo came running out after me as I threw my coat over my shoulders, refusing to look at him.

“Jenn, what’s going on?” he demanded.

“Nothing,” I told him, looking down the street. It was going to be a long walk home.

“So what?” Five asks.

“Jenn!” Leo stopped me as I started to walk away. “What do you want from me?”

I turned back toward him, watching as he froze when he saw the cold look in my eye. “Nothing,” I told him softly. “And certainly not that.” I gestured back toward the restaurant.

“What?” Leo took a step back to look at me. “I’m not allowed to miss you now?”

“No,” Five tells him.

“Get out of here!” One commands Five “We don’t need to say that to him!”

Five looks at her harshly. “Why shouldn’t we?”

“No,” I told Leo. “You can miss me. You just can’t tell me that you do. Cause I can’t believe it anymore.”

Leo looked at me incredulously, trying to wrap his mind around what I’d said. “What? What are…?”

“You say you miss me every single time you see me,” I told him, stepping back. “But you don’t act like it.”

“Not in the least…” Five says.

“You tell me you’ll call and then you don’t. You promise me things, and they never happen. I can’t trust you anymore, Leo.”

One looks at him, watching his expression painfully. “No… Please… We don’t really want to do this to him.”

“Don’t we?” Five questions.

Leo swallowed, trying to keep his own actions under control as he met my eyes with equal fierceness. “I’ve been busy, Jenn. I’ve got work and school and—“

“And so do I!” I cut him off. “But it’s been a month, Leo! You can’t even find ten minutes to drop me a line in a whole month?” I paused. “You say you miss me, Leo. If you really did you’d find the time.” I clenched my fists, turning to walk away.

“Jenn!” he said, running to catch my arm and turn me to face him. “Whatever happened to you saying that we couldn't leave angry at eachother?”

Four hung her head. “That was to help keep us together,” she whispered.

“We’re not together anymore,” Five points out harshly. “We don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“Stop, Five,” One says, stepping in front of her. “He’s trying.”

I closed my eyes, trying to fight tears that I knew were coming. “I am angry, Leo,” I said. “I’m trying not to be.”

Five begins to blur around the edges, falling silent as she fades away.

I glanced up at Leo, my gaze softening. “But the only alternative is to be hurt. And you can’t stand to see me hurt.” I turned away, my eyes beginning to burn.

“Jenn…” He touched my arm, trying to draw me into a hug.

I backed away, shaking my head. “I don’t want anything from you, Leo. If you really miss me, fine. Just say it now, and I’ll believe you.”

Four bit her lip, crying inaudibly. “We really will… but…”

I stopped him as he opened his mouth to speak. “But you’ll have to just keep missing me, because I can’t listen to you anymore.” The tears were running down my cheeks, leaving cold trails across my cheeks. I didn’t really care. “I don’t know when you’re telling me the truth and when you’re selling me a line.”

“Jenn…” he tried to cut in and I backed away again.

“You are so good at selling lines,” I whispered. “You’re so smooth. You know how to say exactly what I want to hear.”

“I’m not,” he insisted. “Jenn, I’m not selling you lines.”

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. “There you go, selling me another one.” I took a deep breath, meeting his eyes one last time. “I just can’t afford to buy them any more, Leo. I’m sorry.” Turning, I started away, leaving him behind me.

Four looks back over my shoulder, watching him as he stands alone in the parking lot simply staring after me “We really do miss you, Leo,” she whispers. “It’s just…”

“We miss the one we could trust,” One says, coming up behind her. “If we ever could have trusted you.”

“We’re sorry,” Four murmurs. “For everything…”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
196 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 196

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:15 pm
Shriek says...



Oh ... that kind of went over my head with the voice five thing. -Blush-

But, yes. That part that is both your favorite and mine reads well. -Rereads it again because she likes it so much- Very well. =D




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:07 pm
Duskglimmer says...



Shriek wrote:To be honest, I didn't really know what to make of the dialogue at the single's table. On one hand, I liked it because it seemed so real. But, on the other hand, I disliked it because, though it was realistic, it seemed almost pointless. I mean, don't get me wrong. Empty dialogue has it's place in a story, but there was almost too much of it here.

Not to say that it wasn't well written -- of course, it was. But I just didn't really see how it contributed to the core theme of the story, I guess. I got a bit of character insight into Jenn, but other than that, I was just kind of like "Can we hurry it along here?"


The conversation at the single's table was a bit pointless, I'll admit. Most of it was put in, 1) because I liked the ideas of the topics of conversation, or 2) because I wanted to give the reader more time to settle into the setting and characters before getting into the "meat" of the piece, or 3) because I am trying to set up for future pieces. I'm not sure how well any of that is working, but I have to say, I don't know what I would cut/rearrange if I had to, so for now, the conversation is probably just going to stay the way it is.

Shriek wrote:
"You are so good at selling lines,” I whispered. “You’re so smooth. You know how to say exactly what I want to hear.”

“I’m not,” he insisted. “Jenn, I’m not selling you lines.”

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. “There you go, selling me another one.” I took a deep breath, meeting his eyes one last time. “I just can’t afford to buy them any more, Leo. I’m sorry.” Turning, I started away, leaving him behind me.


I have to say, that that is my favorite part as well. I'm glad it came across on paper as well as it did in my mind.

Shriek wrote:My only other complaint is, what is up with Voice 5? She just kind of fades in and fades out, and I never quite know why or how. Maybe once you explain the reason behind that, I won't question it anymore. Otherwise, nice work. Nice being an understatement, of course.


Five is the "angry" character. For me, my temper flares suddenly, I fight it back, make it disappear and then something else catches me off-guard and it flares up again. That was the effect that I was trying to gain in having Five fade in and out.




User avatar
196 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 196

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2006 6:55 pm
Shriek wrote a review...



This was an excellent addition to the Voices collection, as I've now come to expect from from. You always manage to meet -- and exceed -- my expectations.

Well, let's see here. -Rolls up sleeves- To be honest, I didn't really know what to make of the dialogue at the single's table. On one hand, I liked it because it seemed so real. But, on the other hand, I disliked it because, though it was realistic, it seemed almost pointless. I mean, don't get me wrong. Empty dialogue has it's place in a story, but there was almost too much of it here.

Not to say that it wasn't well written -- of course, it was. But I just didn't really see how it contributed to the core theme of the story, I guess. I got a bit of character insight into Jenn, but other than that, I was just kind of like "Can we hurry it along here?"

Maybe I just say that because the conversation in this piece is that stark opposite of what my friends and I usually talk about. Or because I detest Monty Python. Either way, I really had to struggle through most of the conversation. That is, until Leo arrived.

After that, the story really picked up, I think. The voices got more intense, more cutting. The emotion in Jenn's voice, and also in Leo's, was evident. This became a story about picking up the pieces of a broken relationship. Of real people trying to resolve their feelings for eachother, sort out their emotions. The story took the reader from petty teenage conversation to something of substance, in contrast. The descriptions of facial expressions, tone of voice, and action were superb, especially in the bit of conversation that took place outside the restaurant. I feel like a nerd admitting this, but I couldn't help but get wrapped up in the voices, and the intensity of the moment.

My favorite part?

You are so good at selling lines,” I whispered. “You’re so smooth. You know how to say exactly what I want to hear.”

“I’m not,” he insisted. “Jenn, I’m not selling you lines.”

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. “There you go, selling me another one.” I took a deep breath, meeting his eyes one last time. “I just can’t afford to buy them any more, Leo. I’m sorry.” Turning, I started away, leaving him behind me.


This is a prime example of awesome, awesome dialogue embedded in description. Love it.

My only other complaint is, what is up with Voice 5? She just kind of fades in and fades out, and I never quite know why or how. Maybe once you explain the reason behind that, I won't question it anymore. Otherwise, nice work. Nice being an understatement, of course.




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2006 6:46 pm
Duskglimmer says...



*looks at sentence* lol. you're right. It should be taut. I wonder how a voice can be "taught"? *giggles to self*

And yeah, the shoulder thing did come from you, though I've had things like that happen with me before as well.

And yes, a great deal of this has been drawn from real life: the shoulder thing, the booty shorts conversation, the setting, most of the rest of the conversations (except for the last part between Jenn and Leo). But so have things in the others. I'm just thinking that it's the first time that you have been around for so much of it.




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 37

Donate
Wed Apr 19, 2006 5:26 pm
*singsoffkey* wrote a review...



“No,” Four interrupts. Her voice is taught. “No.”

This is the wrong form of the word. It should be "taut".

I liked this... but I'll tell you, it was a little wierd simply because I think this is the most I've ever seen you pull from real life. I'm thinking the shoulder thing came from me? And lol... should I tell a certain friend of mine that he made his way into one of your stories?

I would heartily second or third a promotion for you to publish a book of these!!




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Mon Apr 17, 2006 11:39 pm
Duskglimmer says...



Crayon - no, I haven't brought five in before this. I didn't really see that I needed an angry voice for Jenn until I started writing this one...

Mesh - *prays that Smaur wouldn't do anything too violent to Snoink*

*decides to just continue writing the Voices just in case*

Thanks for the comments, m'dear. I'll keep an eye on those adjectives from here on and I'll keep all the random funniness up. lol.




User avatar
488 Reviews


Points: 3941
Reviews: 488

Donate
Mon Apr 17, 2006 8:20 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



Dusky. I love these. Whatever Samur is going to do to Snoink if she stops writing FREAK I'll do to you if you stop writing these.

You writing just flows... it amazes me. I can only get that in poetry on occassion, never in prose.

Three plops down in front of my eyes, grinning as she looks at Jay. “And perfectly available.”

“Three!” One and Four say in unison.

I don't remember if you've refered to the voices as numbers before, but I thought it sounded a bit off. And.. booty shorts? I love getting strange looks 'cause I'm laughing at things no one else sees, really :P that was hilarious. I love how annoyed everyone (er.. Jenn) is at Jay for the shoulder thing. sophormoric *laughs*

The end made me want to cry, too.. I'll ditto Ari on the adjectives/adverb modifers on "said" words. I didn't notice them until I started picking at this, though.

Gods, I love these Voices, Dusky. Love 'em.




User avatar
131 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 131

Donate
Mon Apr 17, 2006 8:05 pm
Crayon says...



Wow Dusky, thats really great the voices just keep getting better. Have you added five before?




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:38 pm
Duskglimmer says...



Areida wrote:
Duskglimmer wrote:Maybe one day I'll have enough to make a whole book of them. lol.

Are you serious??? DO EET! DO EET!

That would be so cool to have a collection of the Voices stories... I would buy two copies for myself (one to preserve and one to read) and a copy for Addie. Yep.


lol. Well... we'll see how many more of these I can do... I don't feel that the style is exhausted yet. The biggest thing for me is just how much emotional energy these things take... so I can't just decide to sit down and write two or three of them over the next few days. I wish I could.

However, I'll make sure you're the first to know if they get published. lol.

Areida wrote:Some of the best things in fiction come from reality. Interesting sounds like an understatement there, lol...


Yes. Definately an understatement.

Areida wrote:Your writing is so fun to read, so it's always a pleasure. And I think one reason I like you so much is because you remind me of my best friend Emily. She's so adorable and candid and sincere and random, just like you. :D


Aw... thank you!




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 17580
Reviews: 798

Donate
Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:15 pm
Areida says...



Duskglimmer wrote:
Areida wrote:Yay, Dusky, another Voices!


Yay! Another Voices! They keep coming out... I don't know why! I think they're just becoming my signature piece. Maybe one day I'll have enough to make a whole book of them. lol.

Are you serious??? DO EET! DO EET!

That would be so cool to have a collection of the Voices stories... I would buy two copies for myself (one to preserve and one to read) and a copy for Addie. Yep.

The best part of that? I had a conversation over those booty shorts with a guy just the other day. It was veeerrry interesting.

Some of the best things in fiction come from reality. Interesting sounds like an understatement there, lol...

Your writing is so fun to read, so it's always a pleasure. And I think one reason I like you so much is because you remind me of my best friend Emily. She's so adorable and candid and sincere and random, just like you. :D




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Wed Apr 12, 2006 3:52 am
Duskglimmer says...



Areida wrote:Yay, Dusky, another Voices!


Yay! Another Voices! They keep coming out... I don't know why! I think they're just becoming my signature piece. Maybe one day I'll have enough to make a whole book of them. lol.

Areida wrote:So a couple of comments:

“You are so good at selling lines,” I whispered. “You’re so smooth. You know how to say exactly what I want to hear.”

“I’m not,” he insisted, looking at me pleadingly. “Jenn, I’m not selling you lines.”

First part made me want to cry. My gosh, if that wasn't perfect than I'm not a brunette (and I most assuredly am).

Second part I quoted made me cringe. You tend to overkill on adverbs and descriptive "said" words sometimes, m'darlin' Dusky. I think you should just leave it at "he insisted", because that alone seems to imply that he's pleading with her, and the "looking at my pleadingly" only seems to kill the intensity you've got going.


*winces* comment seen, comment agreed with, problem eradicated. I've GOT to stop doing that.

Areida wrote:
“Well,” Zach began. He paused choosing his words wisely. “We were just wondering what is up with clothes designers that choose to make booty shorts…”

My head sank into my hands.

“He didn’t,” One says, trying to suppress her own laughter.

“He did,” Three assures her.

*snickers*

Very nice... lol...


The best part of that? I had a conversation over those booty shorts with a guy just the other day. It was veeerrry interesting.

Areida wrote:And yeah, you just won about a bazillion brownie points with me for using Monty Python in your story. LOL...


*does a strange skipping dance while talking in a sing-songy voice* I just got brownie points from the Princess Areida! Yay for me!

Areida wrote:Overall, charming work, m'dear, as always. Thanks for the read! :D


Thank you, m'darling. You always make me feel good about my stories (and make me wince over them also when it's necessary). Thanks so much for reading.




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 17580
Reviews: 798

Donate
Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:54 am
Areida wrote a review...



Yay, Dusky, another Voices!

I really love these pieces because she doesn't seem at all crazy; in fact, Jenn has so many conflicting emotions in her, just like any normal teenager, and the voices only seem to make that more... normal... if that makes any sense. There's a bitter, resentful side that wants to spit in his face, there's the side that just wants to get away from conflict, a side that wants to be civil and be done with it, and the side that desperately wants to leap into his arms again and have everything be all right.

Plus, your dialogue rocks all the socks in Target. Seriously. I don't know if you've gotten better at this or if I've just come to expect that these will be good, but the switching back and forth never got confusing (partly, I'm sure, because of the contrast of the bold and italics) and only served to illustrate how we dwell in our minds and amongst people at the same time. Skillsssss...

So a couple of comments:

“You are so good at selling lines,” I whispered. “You’re so smooth. You know how to say exactly what I want to hear.”

“I’m not,” he insisted, looking at me pleadingly. “Jenn, I’m not selling you lines.”

First part made me want to cry. My gosh, if that wasn't perfect then I'm not a brunette (and I most assuredly am).

Second part I quoted made me cringe. You tend to overkill on adverbs and descriptive "said" words sometimes, m'darlin' Dusky. I think you should just leave it at "he insisted", because that alone seems to imply that he's pleading with her, and the "looking at my pleadingly" only seems to kill the intensity you've got going.

“Well,” Zach began. He paused choosing his words wisely. “We were just wondering what is up with clothes designers that choose to make booty shorts…”

My head sank into my hands.

“He didn’t,” One says, trying to suppress her own laughter.

“He did,” Three assures her.

*snickers*

Very nice... lol...

“But it’s one of those movies that it’s funnier to talk about and quote with your friends than it is to watch.”

“What?!” Matt looked at me, stunned. “But what about the Holy Hand Grenade?” He launched into the monologue, quoting the movie word for word and I laughed all the way through it.

“See?” he demanded at the end. “It’s funny!”

“Yes,” I told him. “But I’m quoting it with my friends, not watching it."

And yeah, you just won about a bazillion brownie points with me for using Monty Python in your story. LOL...

Overall, charming work, m'dear, as always. Thanks for the read! :D




User avatar
447 Reviews


Points: 2340
Reviews: 447

Donate
Tue Apr 11, 2006 10:58 pm
Duskglimmer says...



Poor_Imp wrote:I had a lot of fun reading this...in a rather darkly amused way. It's got a staccatto tone, creepy with the interjected 'voices' and the light-hearted teenage banter. I haven't read the previous; but it didn't seem a problem. I loved the rythm between bold and italic.


Glad to hear it. I've always worked to make these pieces more stand alone. The others just provide a little more background. Voices II tells how Jenn discovers that she likes Leo, Voices I skips forward to after Jenn and Leo start dating and is told from Kate's perspective (Leo's ex-girlfriend) and shows how Kate feels about Leo and Jenn being boyfriend and girlfriend, and Voices III: The Break=up goes back to being from Jenn's point of view and well.. the title shows the plotline fairly well.

Poor_Imp wrote:It was an easy read, but a thought-provoking one. Since I haven't seen the beginning, I hope you don't mind me asking...is she (Jenn) rather mad? Schizo? Disassociative personality?


I don't mind you asking at all, but no, Jenn is not mad nor schizo nor anything else. She's me. You hear about people being "split" over decisions or actions, and I took that as different "voices" in our heads vying for supremecy and ran with it.

Poor_Imp wrote:But beyond the rather bizarre back-and-forth of the 'voices' and 'reality' (I assume) - it wasn't just the joke, which I've seen too many things like this morph into. It kept the quirked unreality without devolving into pointless rambles. (I hope I'm not devolving into such...) It was an odd contrast of incongruity. I think you did it well.


Thank you so much.

Mattie wrote:Well, Dusky! This was surprisingly good. Not that your others works aren't, but I really enjoyed this. It flowed together smoothly, and by switching point of views it didn't clog or over throw the whole piece. I really liked the whole thing with the "voices". But maybe you could use something besides numbers to explain who it is is talking? It just gets a little repetitive.


I considered giving them actual names, but I didn't want to give them human names, because I thought that would confuse people too much between what was actually reality and what was in Jenn's mind and when I gave them names that reflected thier personality (like "Furious" and "Heart-broken") I thought it made things too obvious and detracted from the piece. If you have other suggestions, I'm more than willing to hear them.

Mattie wrote:Anyways, this was a fun read. Very humorous in some parts with the back and fourth banter. It made it very realistic. It moved rather quickly, but not enough to get confused. Hope to read more from you in the Romance section! I'm never disappointed by your works. :wink:


*smiles* thank you. It's always nice to hear that I'm doing things well.




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 129

Donate
Tue Apr 11, 2006 9:53 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



Well, Dusky! This was surprisingly good. Not that your others works aren't, but I really enjoyed this. It flowed together smoothly, and by switching point of views it didn't clog or over throw the whole piece. I really liked the whole thing with the "voices". But maybe you could use something besides numbers to explain who it is is talking? It just gets a little repetitive.
They seem to have their own quirks and actually feel real as if they're really seeing through Jenn's eyes. I like how you used their words as something Jenn might say herself.
Anyways, this was a fun read. Very humorous in some parts with the back and fourth banter. It made it very realistic. It moved rather quickly, but not enough to get confused. Hope to read more from you in the Romance section! I'm never disappointed by your works. ;)




User avatar
459 Reviews


Points: 10092
Reviews: 459

Donate
Tue Apr 11, 2006 9:30 pm
Poor Imp wrote a review...



I had a lot of fun reading this...in a rather darkly amused way. It's got a staccatto tone, creepy with the interjected 'voices' and the light-hearted teenage banter. I haven't read the previous; but it didn't seem a problem. I loved the rythm between bold and italic.

It was an easy read, but a thought-provoking one. Since I haven't seen the beginning, I hope you don't mind me asking...is she (Jenn) rather mad? Schizo? Disassociative personality?

But beyond the rather bizarre back-and-forth of the 'voices' and 'reality' (I assume) - it wasn't just the joke, which I've seen too many things like this morph into. It kept the quirked unreality without devolving into pointless rambles. (I hope I'm not devolving into such...) It was an odd contrast of incongruity. I think you did it well.


Duskglimmer wrote:“If they do, they’re crazy,” I tell him. “But then, I do think they have more than few screws loose.”

“Ah,” Zach said, nodding as if that explained everything. “The curse of the loose screws.”

I laughed. “Right.”

“So are you gonna be at the party next Friday?” Matt asked looking at me from Jay’s other side.

I blinked. “What party?”


This struck me especially. The dialogue was what kept the pace. And this seemed the best example; double entendre?





"It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks."
— Tuckster