[[[This has a few quotations from other songs by 3 days grace and Simple plan, hope that isn't a problem.}}}
Earphones on, he nods along
That toad-like voice just found a new song
She didn’t say a word, she just walked away
All his frustration out through his throat
The Astrophysics in front of him,
Disappeared long ago
Books open, all over the place
‘Next week’s exams,’ says Mom.
She was my first love, she was the first to go
And when she left me for you, I was the last to know….
He takes a deep breath, his throat's gone dry
All his screaming,
the flowers on the desk could easily die.
He takes a deep breath, and turns the page
‘Sphinx’ sketched all over the page
‘She wasn’t my type,’ he erases the name
4 years, first crush….'erase her away'
Another deep breath, and he’s started croaking again.
I’ll be the first to say, that I’m now okay..
And what he screams next, only he can tell
She was my worst love, she was the first to go
Even though he's out of breath now,
he finishes the song in an undertone.
‘Love wasn’t meant for me,
I got better things to go on for’
Even though his minds blank
He tries to move on.
Saying that he turns the page again,
With a suppressed sigh he skillfully controls.
The next song reels in,
‘I should focus on my books more.’
He fills his lungs up again,
Oh God there he goes..
your love is just a lie,
it’s nothing but a lie….
‘All girls are born bitches,
Damn heartbreakers.
I got better things to do with life
Than waste it for one.’
Another deep sigh,
Another full lung
For whom does he go on?
She doesn’t care
She isn’t listening
But he just got another
Dumped guys song
But I know, I know…
That even his 2nd crush
Mia’s gone.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Neey, sad, sad, song/poem/thing! I like this piece, it's touching, a little dull at times where it lacks imagery and is just like - word, word, word, BUT WHERE ARE THE IMAGES! You had a flow that worked with you, but could've been better with some more concrete structure - I like your punctuation though, I L O V E some good punctuation! There wre some other nitpicks too, like grammatic errors but I think your previous readers have pointed those out already! Overall, great piece, it gets 3/5 icky spiders!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I feel like a lot of people can relate to this quote:
I really liked the way you did this with the different quotes and all.
*throat's
He doesn't have multiple throats. Throat's=throat has
*he's
*mind's
his mind is blank
Anyway, great job with the poem. It was interesting and well-written (although I may not be the best one to judge; the lines of poetry are blurry for me). I could totally relate to the sounds of screaming siblings. xP Happy poeting!
-Crescent
This is great. It flows well and creates a picture. It took mea few times reading it to understand it, but that happens with all good poetry. The emotion is what counts, and the narrative of it, which this poem definitely has. I love it.