Note: Another thing I had to do for my English class. I thought it was pretty good, I hope you guys do too.
I am afraid to look. There is a monster under my bed. I can hear him laughing before I fall asleep. When I wake up my room is in chaos. My parents blame me, they don't understand. I have heard him calling my name in the darkness. Tonight his target is me. Before my parents left me alone, I made them look for him. He didn't show himself, but I know he's there. No matter how many times my parents reassure me. I know he's there. I know he's coming.
I fell asleep besides my best efforts not too. Waking up I knew, he's here. Scrambling from the bed I raced for the door. I tripped. "He has me, help!" I screamed, nobody could hear me. I could feel him reaching for me. I kicked back, scrambling from the floor. Swinging open the door, I ran. Running through the hall my brain was clouded. I had nowhere to go. I tripped again. Down on the floor I know, he has me.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
Hi there Dreamer! What a creepy little short story! I enjoyed this a
lot! It was fairly short so there's not much to go on, but no less good!
It really stacked up on the suspense throughout the plot, and gradually built up to the events at the end! Well done!
However the tenses confused me a bit. At the beginning the character is saying the monster is under his bed and is saying in the present tense, that it will attack him tonight. But then you switch to past when saying the events of the night. Try to use one or the other!
There were quite a few very short sentences. This can add tension to the story but try to use more connectives than, abruptly stopping a sentence then starting the new one.
Generally i'd like a bit more description of what is exactly happening. Maybe his parents trying to reassure him, the monster laughing, and like Lau said, a description of the monster would be good!
Well done this was really good! Keep writing Dreamer!
Thanks I'll keep those points in mind thanks. Glad you liked it.
hey dreamer! I'm here for give a review! or try my best!First of all, I loved this. Short, but nicely done. Great job!
Maybe you could add a descrition of the monster? just a suggestion.
"I tripped. "He has me, help!" I screamed, nobody could hear me. I could feel him reaching for me. I kicked back, scrambling from the floor. Swinging open the door, I ran. Running through the hall my brain was clouded. I had nowhere to go. I tripped again. Down on the floor I know, he has me."
Maybe, tripping twice is overdoing it. Maybe he grabbed her/his ankle? Or she hit her head? I hope these small suggestions helped.
-Lau.
Thanks for the review I might elaborate later on making it a short story, but not right now. Glad you liked it.
"Down on the floor I know, he has me". Just a little grammar error it should be Down on the floor, I know he has me. Great job other wise!!
Thanks glad you liked it.