Walk past the mirror,
And as I get nearer,
I see a face you know well;
At least soon you will tell.
See it’s not the appearance,
But my disappearance.
If you begin to talk,
Like a shadow, I’ll mock.
When you sing or you dance,
Or slip into a romance,
Please make sure to set dinner for three.
This here detail is key.
For when you sit,
I am sure to commit.
When you eat, I eat;
And I won’t be discreet.
You see we have a connection,
And I don’t accept rejection.
I have many of these bonds;
My life and others’ correspond.
I’m like everyone else,
As if under a spell.
Oh how I ease by,
On other’s troubles or tries.
I’ve mastered pretending,
And it has no ending;
I am who you are.
We share the same scars.
Whoever’s around,
To their story I’m bound.
For I know not myself,
But with this I am sound.
Some say I am fake,
But I say it’s acting in which I partake.
I perform the unreal,
The lord of all that’s surreal.
Ask me my name,
And I’ll ask you the same,
Because my name is simply untrue.
In the end I’m not me; I am you.
**Technically the entire poem is a series of couplets but should I break them up that way?? Do you think it would read better?
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Hello, Roon here! Fantastic once again, I will start with nitpicks!
Okay, so apart from a few forced rhymes, this poem was really rather beautiful. For the most part, it flows very well, and the subject is a nice idea. You don't really use any imagery, I think you should try to add some, it would greatly enhance your poem.
I think, in parts, your rigid rhyme scheme takes some of the beauty away from the words. I also think you should stop starting each line with a capital, it makes for confusing reading, just use capitals at the start of a sentence. Don't break up the flow with unnecessary capitalisations.
Also, I think it gets quite confusing, until I read the title again, I thought it was talking about a negative quality you have that haunts your life, but towards teh end of the poem, this was sorted out, I think, try to emphasise it more in the beginning.
Okay, so it was a nice poem, if you work on the rhyme and imagery it could be even better!
~ Roon
That was so good. The way you made all your words rhyme was easy going and beautiful. It felt as the words melted in my mouth while I read it out loud to my brother. The topic was also very well thought out and just as delicate as the ending that you mustered together. Genius!
I don't that there's much that I can say about the piece, so I guess I'll go now.
- Shanan-cat
I like this poem a lot. I would never think of writing about pretense and so reading it like this where it sounds so artistic and all makes me appreciative of your writing! I especially like where u say
'...its not the appearance
but my disappearance...'
and the third verse/stanza
'...when u sing or you dance,
.....make sure to set dinner for three...'
i think its great so keep up the good work!
I thought this read well as a series of rhyming couplets, although this bit seemed a bit odd to me:
Whoever’s around,
To their story I’m bound.
For I know not myself,
But with this I am sound.
I don't know if you intended to break the pattern here, but I think if you didn't you can now see that this stanza does not consists of rhyming couplets (or we pronounce things very differently!). I'm Pro-Artistic License, so I'm not going to try to encourage you to change or remove that, but I thought I should point it out in case it was accidental.
Otherwise, I don't have much to comment on, other than to say that I liked this poem.