z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Modern Day Knight Chapter 5.

by Dragongirl


Hey so I want to thank @LordZeus for reviewing my last chapter by dedicating this next one to him.

Thanks Zeus! You're the best.

Chapter 5.

I had to get dressed with him watching me. As I pulled my shirt over my head the dragon clucked his tongue.

“Little extra meat on you, isn’t there, boy?

I gritted my teeth. “It’s Griffin.”

The dragon just looked at me lazily. “All right. You‘re fat, Griffin. You like that better?” He chuckled at the face I made. “ Don’t worry Griffin. We’ll take care of that.” He took a deep breath through his nose. “Starting with breakfast. Your dear ol‘ mum is downstairs making you French toast for breakfast. Go down there and tell her you don‘t want French toast. Tell her you want a boiled egg and plain toast.”

My mouth dropped open. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

The dragon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Oh, you can be sure I’m not. Now hurry, she is getting ready to start cracking the eggs.”

I shot him a disbelieving look and then went to the door. As I went through it I felt a sharp sting across the back of my thighs and looked back to catch the dragon’s tail snapping back.

“Pick up the pace, Chunky.” He hissed at me.

Mom was just about to crack an egg when I trotted into the kitchen. Taking in the loaf of bread, eggs, sugar, and cinnamon sitting on the counter I felt slightly sick to my stomach wondering how the dragon had known. She smiled at me.

“You catch Bow-Bow?” She wrinkled her forehead when I continued to stare at her dumbly. “What,” She asked “Do I have something on my face?” She brushed a hand over her cheek.

I shook my head, more to clear it than to answer her question. “No you don’t and I haven’t caught Bow-Bow yet.”

Mom pursed her lips. “Well I hope you closed your bedroom door, we can’t have a lizard running loose around the house.”She set the plates on the table. “I’m making french toast for breakfast, hope you’re hungry.” She flashed me a smile, which I attempted to return as normally as possible.

“You don’t have to.” I said half-heartedly.

Mom just laughed. “Of course I do, it’s the first day of summer.” She turned back to the counter. I could feel my shoulders tensing, almost feeling the Dragon upstairs listening and I blurted out.

“You know Mom, I really just want a boiled egg and a piece of toast.” She swung her head back around to look at me, pure shock covering her features, froze mid egg-cracking. Then she laughed.

“Oh you’re messing with me.”

“I’m serious.” I told her, feeling sheepish and almost giving in. Mom raised an eyebrow at me and I shuffled my feet uncomfortably.

She studied me as though trying to see what my intentions were before nodding slowly.

“Okay.” She gave a look that told me clearly that she thought I’d gone bats. I was mentally agreeing with her. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.” I said with as much of a straight face as I could.

After I choked down my boiled egg and scarfed down the dry toast, I topped it off with big glass of milk in an attempt to counter how painfully empty my stomach felt. I got up and washed my plate slowly, dreading going back up to my room. There was a crash from upstairs and I sighed before turning to Mom.

“I better go check on that. It was probably Bow-Bow.” I gave her a smile that felt fake and started up the staircase.

Mom stopped me laying a hand on my arm. ‘Griff you don’t have to feel bad about this morning. Stuff happens.” I turned back to her.

“Thanks Mom.” I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Love you.”

Mom smiled. “Ah, you’re being sweet today. I love you too.” She gave me a squeeze that I returned. There was another thud and we both looked up at the ceiling.

“I better check on that.” I said.

“You need any help?” She offered. “I have thirty minutes before I have to leave for work.”

“No!” I said a little too quickly and a little too loudly. She looked at me with surprise and I corrected myself. “What I meant was, I can take care of it, you get ready for work.”

She shook her head. “Alright, then.” She said and headed for the kitchen. There was another bump and I took the stairs two at a time.

“You’ve got to quit making so much noise, mom‘s going to get suspicious and come up here. ” I grumbled as I pushed open the door to my bedroom and then stopped.

Standing in the middle of my room was a man. He was dressed in jeans, a red tee stretched across his shoulders and his black hair was cut jaw length. His back was turned to me and I stood in the door speechless. He spun slowly and even before I had seen the golden eyes I knew who it was. He wore a satisfied smirk on his face and I knew my own must be showing my shock. I rearranged it as quickly as I could, feeling more than a little tired of his games.

“And you don’t, no wait, can’t do magic?” I said dryly.

He ran his fingers through his hair and then shook it out. He was a handsome man, and looked around late thirties or early forties.

“I can’t,” His voice was the same but with less of a gravelly sound to it. He pointed to an amulet hanging around his neck. “A present from Droves.” The smile slid from his lips as he said that and he spit out Droves name as though it left a bad taste in his mouth. Taking a deep breath, he composed himself once more.

“We’ll start your training today. Since you mother doesn’t know about me, lets keep it that way. I’ll leave through the window and you meet me,” He pulled back my curtain and looked out it. “On the sidewalk in front of the blue house about a block down the street.”

“Herburt Smith’s place?” I asked.

The dragon gave me a long look that was just as intimidating as it was in dragon form. “I don’t know if ’Herburt’ lives there or Santa Claus. Just meet me there. Comprendo?” I couldn’t think of anything I felt less like doing but he gave me another stare and so I nodded.

“Okay.”

The dragon didn’t even acknowledge my reply before opening my window. When he kicked out the screen, I couldn’t help but sigh. I knew who would be blamed for that. He swung his leg over the sill and dropped. Landing lightly in a crouch, he stood casually and brushed several invisible specks of dust from his jeans before he started down the street.When he was out of sight from the window I left the bedroom. I went through the kitchen and Mom was at the sink.

“Where are you going in such a rush?” She wanted to know.

Oh nowhere, just to my death probably. What I said instead was,“Just going to meet a friend.” Ducking out the door before she could ask any more questions.

When I caught up to the Dragon he was studying the top of a fire hydrant. “Took you long enough” He growled. “Come on lets go.” I followed behind him as we made our way through the neighborhood. We had just ducked behind a small convenient store on the edge of town that had closed several years when he stopped. I shuffle to a standstill as well. Suddenly overcome with apprehension I stared at the hems of his jeans. After several long moments of quiet I lifted my eyes.

“Why did-” The words withered and died on my tongue as I found myself staring it to the barrel of a pistol. Slowly I lifted my hands over my head. At my movement the Dragon looked up from the magazine he was checking.

“Why are you doing that?” He asked his face a pretense of puzzlement. Perhaps aggravating the person holding a loaded weapon on you isn’t the smartest idea but his mockery sparked the sarcastic part of me that always seemed to rear its head at the worst times.

“I don’t know, maybe it’s because you are pointing a gun in my face?”

At my words, the dragon threw back his head and laughed.

“Oh, is that what is bothering you?” He looked at the pistol as if he hadn’t realized what he had been doing. “I forget how fragile you humans are.” He flipped the gun in his palm and held it out. “Here, you take it.”

I just gaped at him.

“Seriously?” I said making no move to take it.

The dragon rolled his eyes.

“Yes, seriously.” He said grabbing my right arm and slapping the pistol in to my hand. My fingers curled around the butt of it automatically “Take it.” He let go of my arm and took a couple steps back. “Now, shoot me.”

I almost dropped the weapon.

“What?”

The dragon just looked at me, his gold eyes flat and without emotion. “You heard what I said. Shoot. Me.”

“Why?” I asked, confused.

“Because we are enemies Rolls, remember? His impatient was showing “Cursed to killed each other. Now do it.”

At his command, I jerked my arm up without thinking. Drawing bead on him, my finger tightened of its own accord on the trigger. My world narrowed to nothing but the sights of the gun and my target. A memory of going to the shooting range with my father surfaced and I dropped the pistol. The clatter of it was loud as it hit the pavement and I stepped away from the fallen weapon, spooked by what I had almost done.

“No.” I croaked.

The Dragon’s expression was impossible to read but his body language screamed tension. Taking several stiff steps, he bent and picked up the gun from the ground. He reached for me and I flinched violently, fully expecting him to use the barrel of the gun to hit me… or shoot me.

I was wrong. Instead he did the last thing I expected. Grabbing my wrist, he turned my hand palm up and slapped the pistol back into it, wrapping my fingers around the handle. Then he stepped back and folded his arms over his chest.

“Sorry Dough Boy, it’s not a request. Now do it.Take your best shot.”

I just stared at him in disbelief and did nothing.

Apparently he didn’t approve of my response because in a blink he was in my face. Grabbing my hand with the gun in it again, he pressed the barrel to his head. My fingers tried to slip from the metal of the firearm but the Dragon’s hand clamped like a vice on mine, holding it in place. The beast’s eyes bore into mine. He spoke, his breath searing across the skin of my forehead and cheekbones, his voice a quiet rasp.

“Pull the trigger.”

Unable look at his unnerving golden eyes I turned my head, sweat dripping from every pore of my body.

“I won’t” I said, only my voice had fled so all that came out was hollow air.

“Excuse me?” Sparks snapping from his throat, striking off his teeth and the side of my face. If I hadn’t been so scared I might have found the sight fascinating. As it was I merely twitched as they stung with a sharp burn on my neck and the side of my face.

I swallowed. “I can’t. ” And it was true. I wasn’t trying to be brave. I just couldn’t.

At those words the dragon’s expression morphed into disgust. He released my hand and I slumped to my knees. The gun slipped from my now limp hand to the ground beside me while my breath came out in rapid bursts.

“You can’t,” The sarcasm was thick.. The dragon stood over me and then he spat on me. Not fire, but the normal kind of spit. The type that says ’you are worse than dirt’ . And I agreed with the sentiment wholeheartedly. I was pathetic.“You are wretched worm.” He said after a second, his voice full of contempt. “I will be doing the world a favor getting rid of you.” He kicked me and I fell over. He laughed with scorn as I heaved my body back upright. He turned his back to me as if my sorry attempts to get on my knees again were too much.

“The human race will definitely be improved once you are removed from the population.” I knew I should have felt at least vaguely offended by his words but I simply hung my head, mutely agreeing with every word. He went on. “Your father must weep in disappointment every night for having sired a quivering blob of flesh like you for a heir.” For the first time I felt I tinge of anger at his words. He went on. “Is that why his presense is missing from the house, he simply couldn’t stand to be around his coward of a son?”

“How?” Was all I could manage.

The dragon spared me a second of a glance, his lips twisted with malice glee, at have got a reaction out of me.

“How do I know you were a disappointment or how did I know your father is no long under the same roof as you and your mother? Since I think we can both clearly see why you would be a disappointment I’m assuming you meant the latter. I’m a beast, Pillsbury, I can smell when there is another male in the building and you most definitely no man.”

I could feel my fear receding as anger crept forward and my fingers stretched out to brush the handle of the gun on the ground. The dragon plowed.

“You know perhaps once I’ve killed you I should kill your mother as well. As a women with no husband, no doubt she has to do whatever she can to support you both and I wouldn’t want to take the chance of her bring another useless child into the world, take her out is the only way to make sure she doesn't make the same mistake twice.” He laughed after he finished speaking and that’s when I shot him in the head.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 2470
Reviews: 39

Donate
Sun Oct 04, 2015 5:17 pm
View Likes
LordZeus wrote a review...



I just saw this. And I have to say, I am really, really touched. And I'm not just saying that. I never thought that people could be that thankful for my reviews. Thanks a lot for dedicating this chapter to me, and I will take extra care in reviewing this now! Here are my suggestions and comments in a numerical order:
1.I'm sorry to say this again, but you miss a lot of punctuation marks. For example, 'You‘re fat Griffin.' should be ' You‘re fat, Griffin.'
2.'He chuckle' chuckle should be 'chuckled' here.
3.'sit on the counter' sit should be sitting
4.'Of course Ido, it’s the first day of summer.' Separate 'I' and 'do'
5.'I lean down and gave her a kiss on the cheek.' Change 'lean' to leaned'.
6.'Smiling with white even teeth he pointed to an amulet hanging around his neck.

“I can’t,” His voice was the same but with less of a gravelly sound to it. “A present from Droves.”

Okay, the above part doesn't read well, and I think it would be better said as

Smiling with white even teeth, he replied “I can’t,” His voice was the same but with less of a gravelly sound to it.

“A present from Droves.” He continued, pointing to an amulet hanging around his neck.

7.'The smile slid from his lips as he said that and he spit out Droves name as though it left a bad tasted in his mouth.' Put 'taste' instead of 'tasted.' This is an example of a tense mistake. I see that you have made several of these in your story, so please try to keep a watch out for these.

8. Santa Claus is spelled like this

9.'When hekicked out the screen. I couldn’t help but sigh.' Ok, I've noticed that you accidentally put commas instead of full stops and vice-versa. Also, when you speed type, you should try and take care not to miss out spaces. Here's a corrected version of the sentence:
'When he kicked out the screen, I couldn’t help but sigh.'

10.“Just going to meet a friend.” I've added the needed full stop. Remember, sections of dialogue have to end with a full stop, or with a comma if they are being continued in other sections of dialogue, but you must end them with punctuation marks.

11.'Perhaps aggravating the person holding a loaded weapon on you isn’t the smartest idea but his mockery sparked the sarcastic part of me that always seem to rear its head at the worse times.' More tense mistakes. 'seem' should be 'seemed' or perhaps even 'seems', and 'worse' should be 'worst'.

12. “I don’t know, maybe it’s because you are pointing a gun in my face?” I've added the nearest question mark. You missed out another question mark here:
“Oh, is that what is bothering you?”

13.'He reached for me and I flinched violently, fully expecting him to use the barrel of the gun to hit me… or shot* me.' *Shoot. Another tense mistake. As I said before , please watch out for these.

14.'Grabbing my wrist, he turned my hand palm up and slapped the pistol back into in*, wrapping my fingers around the handle. Then he stepped back and folded his arms over his chest. '
*it.

15.“Sorry Dough Boy, it’s not a requested*."
*request
Another tense mistake.

16.'My fingers tried to slip from the medal of the firearm but the Dragon’s hand clamped like a vice on mine, holding it in place.'
I'm pretty sure that you meant 'metal' not 'medal'.

17.“Excuse me?” Sparks snapped from his throat, striking off his teeth and the side of my face.
Another tense mistake.I also suggest making this
“Excuse me?” He growled, sparks snapping from his throat, striking off his teeth and the side of my face.
(I added the 'he growled' to show his tone of voice)

18.'The gun slipping* from my now limp hand to the ground beside me while my breath came out in rapid bursts.'
*slipped.

19.'And I agree* with the sentiment wholeheartedly.'
*agreed

20.'He said after a second, his voice full of contemned.*'
*contempt

21.'The dragon spared me a second of a glance. His lips twisted with malice glee, at have got a reaction out of me.' This should be:
'The dragon spared me a second of a glance, his lips twisted with malicious glee, at having got a reaction out of me.'

22.'I’m assuming you meant the later.*'
*latter

23.As a women with no husband, no doubt she has to do whatever she can to support you both and I wouldn’t want to take the chance of her bring another useless child into the world, take her out would be the only way to make sure she didn‘t make the same mistake twice.”
Ok, I'm sorry to say, but there are several mistakes here. Here is a corrected version of this segment:
As a women with no husband, no doubt she has to do whatever she can to support you both and I wouldn’t want to take the chance of her bringing another useless child into the world. Taking her out is the only way to make sure that she doesn't make the same mistake twice.”

Apart from these, I have only one more suggestion. I would think,, that with everything 24.happening, Griffin would be a lot more curious about his abilities, why so many people want to kill him, who droves really is etc. I know I would be. Perhaps you could make Griffin more curious, and ask more questions perhaps?

Apart from the above, this is turning out to be a great and humorous novel. Your only mistakes are technical, and apart from that your writing skills are excellent. You have shown us your kind of humour and your style of writing (which is great) in your story, It moves well, and never gets boring. You truly have a talent, but please watch out for the technical errors and typos.It's only those that bring you down. Still, I can't wait to see more from you! Keep writing!

P.S. Thanks for bearing my criticism! You are welcome to review and/or criticize my works as much as you like!




Dragongirl says...


Zeus, I love your reviews! Finding my own grammar mistakes has always been super hard for me. Having someone take as much time as you to point them out is beyond awesome! Thanks so much! I have tried to fix all the stuff you pointed out. Hoping to get another chapter up soon. ;)



Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 101

Donate
Sun Oct 04, 2015 12:27 am
View Likes
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, Dragongirl! After reading through the other chapters, I'm here to review this one!

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> This is a pretty interesting concept. A wizard, and dragon, and a seemingly normal boy who shall soon be killed. It definitely is something I would pick up off the shelves at a book store. In fact, the plot of this is one that could easily be on a shelf someday. Most of the problems are technical, and will be below. Other than those things, this is pretty great! I'm really excited to see if there's a deeper connection with Griffin and his drawing skills of who people really are.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> Umm. Well, I'm really bad at talking about Characters. There aren't any problems with yours that I've noticed, so good job on that!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
He chuckle at the face I made.

"Chuckle" needs to be either "chuckles" or "chuckled". Since I'm 87% sure this is past tense, "chuckled" would be the right choice. :)

Mom was just out to crack an egg when I trotted into the kitchen.

I think instead of "out" you meant "about"

She puckered her forehead when I continued to stare at her dumbly.

I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think you can pucker your forehead.

I shook my head, more to clear it then to answer her question.

"Then" should be "than", and you also need to add a "to" where I've put one. :)

“You don’t have to.” I said half a heartedly.

I think you meant "half-heartedly"

Mom just laughed. “Of course Ido, it’s the first day of summer.”

Simple typo, you just need a space between "I" and "do" :)

, I topped it off with big glass of milk in an attempted to counter how painfully empty my stomach felt.

"Attempted" should be "attempt"

“You’ve got to quite making so much noise,

*quit

“And you don’t, no wait, can’t do magic?” I said drily.

*dryly

When hekicked out the screen. I couldn’t help but sigh.

Another simple typo of a missed space. Also, I think this would sound better if you combined the two sentences with a comma instead of having them seperate.

Landing lightly in a crouch, he stood casually and brushed several invisible specks of dust from his jeans before he started down the street without looking back

You need to either add the "he" I did, or change "started" to "starting" :)

A memory of going to the shooting range with my father surfaced and I dropped the pistol.

You need to add the "of"

fully expecting him to use the barrel of the gun to hit me… or shot me.

*shoot

My fingers tried to slip from the medal of the firearm

*metal

He turned his back to me as if my sorry attempts to get on my knees again were too much.

You need to add the "to" :)

but I simply hung my head, Mutely agreeing with every word.

"Mutely" doesn't need to be capitalized

For the first time I felt I ting of anger at his words. He went on. “Is that why his presents is missing from the house, he simply couldn’t stand to be around his coward of a son?”

"Ting" should be "tinge" and "presents" should be "presence"

There maybe a few more after what I've pointed out, but I'll stop here.


Have a great day!

~Myth




Dragongirl says...


Thanks so much for the detailed and well thought review. Means a lot. You're seriously awesome.


Random avatar


No problem, and thank you! I always love reading and reviewing things. :)




Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp