Just thought I might add a soundtrack :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMUFzlIK3Fk
She walked through a white door into a white room. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a white room. I would say it was empty, but I’d be lying. Molly looked ahead of her and saw a boy there. She could see red marks around his neck, as if someone strangled him. He wore a pair of dark blue jeans and a white shirt. HIs hair was black and his eyes a beautiful green colour. Molly moved towards him and, when she was close to him, was about to speak, but she didn’t have enough time.
“Leave me alone!” The boy yelled. Molly stepped back, shocked. She didn’t expect this kind of response. The boy sighed and looked straight in her eyes. “Look, I love you, but I just don’t feel like you love me back.”“B-but I do…” Molly began shaking.
What am I saying? She thought. It’s like something is controlling me.
“I’m not sure whether I should believe that. One second you’re yelling at me because I’m apparently ‘not good enough’, the next you’re begging me to stay with you.”
"Sebastian, I’ll be honest with you, as expected in a relationship. I used to think you were like all the others, but I was horribly wro-”
“Well thank God, you were a bit too late.” Sebastian cut in.
How do I even know his name?! Molly thought.
“Ever since you started doing all of those things to me,” Sebastian continued. “I’ve slowly been getting more and more hostile towards you. I’ve-”
“I don’t blame you.” Molly interrupted this time. “I don’t blame you for hating me, but I want you to hear me out. No matter whether you want it yourself or not.” Sebastian replied with silence, so Molly continued. “I was hurt by many guys in my life. All of them played with me, like I was some kind of toy. It happened too many times for me to be unaffected. I began having a similar approach to theirs; I began to see nothing in other guys other than careless, selfish cheaters, who are more than happy to hurt me. I put up divers of walls to protect me from any more pain. That same time, the way my thoughts worked changed. I began to see love as ‘unrealistic’ and ‘illogical’, that I was an ideologist to think that I could ever feel something so true like love.” She checked Sebastian was listening by stopping suddenly. He seemed to be active.
“Then, I met you.” She carried on. “Do you remember? That time in the library? It seemed almost surreal, didn’t it? I momentarily let my guard down for you and saw how gentle and kind you were. But I was soon reminded of how much pain I went through whenever a guy came near me. But I decided to give you a chance. Whether it was foolishness, audacity or masochism, I don’t know. Either way, I chose to try again. Do you remember that time when we went to that coffee shop and you spat out your cappuccino out of laughter? It was funny, wasn’t it-”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s my turn now.” Sebastian cut in, seeing that Molly was beginning to drone. He began prancing around her as he spoke. “I wasn’t in a lot of relationships. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never been in one. And the one which I do get into is the one which ends up killing me. Anyways, I really did not want to die this quickly. Unlike you, I have higher aspirations than to be a stupid figureskater. I wanted to be a doctor and help pe-”
“So you wanted to become a doctor?” Molly said. She felt as if she finally regained control over herself. “I wanted to become a Youtuber, and you know what I became instead? HIV positive.”
“You know, if you’re going to keep on interrupting me and playing those kind of jokes, then you might as well leave.”
“It’s not like you’re any better.”
“Just let me tell my life story. You said yours, now let me say mine. Anyways, I wanted to help people and save lives, but everything changed when I saw you. I felt… Like I was pulled in by some kind of magnet. We got close quickly, but you soon began acting so… rudely. It’s like Satan himself entered your body. You began abusing me more and more, until I had enou-”
“Finished yet?” Molly wanted this dream to be over already. If it was a dream.
“Actually, I might not be finished, but you can get out anyway.” Suddenly, a strange force pulled Molly out of the room. She saw the white door close after she left the white room into the darkness.
She woke up with a scream. Even after processing her dream, she was dazed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there, DragonWriter here to give you a review
So as a whole I thought this was a very interesting piece. The soundtrack idea was pretty cool to add. It really set the mood in the beginning, though it did become a bit distracting as the tones of the two pieces diverged. Still, I enjoyed the experience.
The piece itself was intriguing. You captured the feel of a dream in the confusing, non-nonsensical progression of events. Dream logic is strange and you created that feeling well. The introduction is haunting with all the stark white and the solitary boy who looks like he's been killed. The ending adds to that feel as well since the entire experience and conversation is cut off so suddenly. Dreams unfortunately do that right when you're at an interesting part. Everything was building to a climax, but then Molly was roughly pulled away. I can understand why she would want that for this dream though, since it is fairly unpleasant.
I like how you put a story within a story. There's the story of Molly having a dream, but then through the dialogue the reader learns the story of the boy. The reader is also left unsure what the boy has to do with Molly because she's never seen him before, yet she's seeing him in the dream and her dream self knows his name. She mentions she feels like something else is controlling her so it could be nothing, but there is a bit of a mystery introduced.
The only things I think could have been a bit better were consistency with tone (the beginning felt ethereal, but then it changed abruptly once they started talking and the boy yelled. It's fine to have a tone shift, but it might be better to have a smoother transition) and then one or two structural errors that are an easy fix. The main points I noticed were:
and
For the first point, Molly's speaking should have its own paragraph, and then the second point has the "I" accidentally capitalized.
I really liked what you were able to do with this work and I hope my review was of help. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your feedback! I'll make sure I don't make those mistakes in the future. P.S. That error with the speech marks was because of formatting, because I had to copy and paste my work into here and it kind of messed up like that. Anyways, thanks again for your review!
Yeah, formatting can be tricky here. I'm happy to have been of help!
OOh, I like the theme music! So dramatic!
Interesting start. I want to say the "nothing more, nothing less" and the "just a room..." lines are fragments unless you did this for emphasis.
So, this is in first person view, and Molly's the girl who just walked in. Okay.
I don't think you need the comma after neck. Also, I thought this was first person view, but apparently, it's actually third pov
Yay! Here's an area where you can add more detail. How exactly does the boy wear his clothes? Do they hang loosely around his frame, or tightly around his chest area? Are his clothes dirty or supernaturally clean? Is his hair short or long, and do his bangs (or lack of bangs) get into his eyes? I hope you get what I am saying. I love character descriptions, and I think describing characters can be a lot of fun.
You might be able to say this a bit clearer. The commas in this confused me a bit.
A suggestion: Molly moved closer to him and interrupted what he was about to say because she didn't have time.
I think you need to make a new space for what Molly said.
Whoa! I don't know what's going on either, Molly!
I had never heard of the word "divers" before! I literally had to look it up.
Prancing? I don't think I have ever seen a person prance when they were mad, but this might be Sebastian's character.
Wow. Sebastian's got powers? Just kidding! This surprised me greatly. Are there other doors in the white room? If not, I would just say door.
Overall, with the white room, in the beginning, I thought for sure this would be sci-fi. It seems a bit horror-ish? If the whole story is going to be in third pov, I would take out that first pov bit. Anyway, an interesting read! I hadn't expected the relationship aspect. I wish this had more chapters, so I could get more of an understanding. I liked reading this a lot, but I felt really lost at the end. Does the dream have any real meaning? Maybe there's something I am just not getting? XD
Thank you for your feedback! If you want to know the message, try reading the three other short stories I've written
Thanks again for your feedback!