This pain. A very hurtful pain. In my chest. It can’t go away. It won’t go away. But at least I have her by my side. She’ll cure the pain… Right? She cares. She loves me… Doesn’t she?
What do you think? Remember, you were hurt like this before, and it all became a distant memory after the last one left you. I told you to not do it again, but your eyes are always shut when it comes to love. You think this game’s rules can’t be manipulated? You think that people won’t notice what is written in the rules and what isn’t? Fool.
Everytime she’s around, I feel so warm. She’s so kind… She compliments me every day and helps through any hardships I go through, that’s what love is about, right? Love is about letting people come closer to your heart and letting them see a side of you that you show in everyday life. Only a cheater would manipulate the rules of love, and those kind of people don’t deserve love.
I personally think fools don’t deserve love either, especially when they can’t tell the difference between being loved and being used. You really are an idiot, aren’t you? Can you not see that her words are just sugar-coated and fake? Ha! You probably don’t even know your hand from your foot. Why do failures like you have to exist? Cheaters exist and they make up about 90% of our society. But I guess it’s too much for your small mind to comprehend this.
But don’t you think the high is worth the pain? So what if I’ve been hurt? Does the fact that love entails hurting mean I’m a masochist? If that is true, then so be it. I am prepared to die for her and vice-versa. So what if my small mind can’t comprehend this pain? If it makes her happy, I am happy too. You don’t even understand what being loved is.
You think you’re so brave and noble by being so accepting of your ‘lover’s’ sadistic ways, but really you are nothing but naive. There isn’t a single word in any language, existing or gone, to express how stupid you are. I honestly don’t understand how your brain works. Do you really think that this is true love? Maybe I haven’t had an experience of love myself, but I definitely know that it is not what you are going through now. You know what? Why am I wasting my time helping you? Want to get hurt? Be my guest. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you...
Oh wait, it seems this is a no longer dialogue, but a monologue. I didn’t expect you to do this so quickly, but, either way, you’ve learnt your lesson. You certainly did a nice job tying that noose. Such a shame that she didn’t come to see it. I bet she would’ve loved it.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens if your eyes open at too late a time to turn back. You end up with a broken heart, or a broken neck.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
DragonNoir, hey! I thought I'd stop by and review what you've published.
First of all, this phrase was kind of jarring to have in the opening:
"A very hurtful pain" seems like a silly phrase, because pain is hurtful. It's almost like saying a pain-y pain. You wouldn't say that, would you?
Now, the rest of the piece at a diction level is fine. I think you distinguish between the tone of the two voices well enough. But I feel like this piece comes and goes too quickly. I just started getting into the relationship when already the non-italic voice is gone. Not only gone, but apparently killed itself, and I have no idea of the reason why.
I feel like it would be pretty easy to get in some specifics of the story in the dialogue. The italic voice might point out specific instances where the girl was "sadistic" or betrayed them, while the regular voice might recall specific beautiful scenes where it fell in love with the girl. This not only allows them to express their opinions on the girl, but also gives the reader some background knowledge as to why this situation is so serious that a person would commit suicide. Right now, all we get is a hint, that it was too late to turn back. And you have a fine quip at the end, but it doesn't feel emotionally earned because we never got to know the speakers very well. It's like hearing about the death of someone you don't know -- you say "so sad", and move on, but you can go deeper with this piece.
I hope these thoughts make sense to you and prove to be helpful!
If you have any questions/comments about this review, please PM me or reply here. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
Hannah
Thank you very much for your feedback! I'll make sure I improve later.
No problem! I look forward to reading more from you!
Hello!
There's a lot of emotion in the piece, and I love how you really delve deep into the different psychologies and justifications about the two different viewpoints about love, and how it makes sense that the same person could be feeling both of them.
Something that I think might benefit the piece is if you added scenes to it. Right now it's just the dialogue inside the person's head and that's great, but the reader can't get a real feel for the relationship, especially since we are presented with opposing viewpoints on the relationship. I can't tell if the high is worth the pain as one sides states, or if they're being foolish like the other side contends. You wouldn't necessarily need to leave the argument to incorporate a scene or two. You could have one character remember a situation as an example and transition into the scene that way, so it all sounds like part of the discussion between the two sides.
Speaking of that line about the high being worth the pain, I love all your other metaphors and imagery, but Taylor Swift is still too recent to get away with that one without it seeming like you're just quoting Blank Space.
Loved your interesting, unique take on a romance gone sour. Hope this review helped!
-tgirly
Thank you for your feedback! I didn't actually plan on quoting Blank Space, that part just kind of popped into my head, honestly. I will remember your points in the future.
Hi DragonNoir!
This is pretty dark, it has to be said. It started off sounding like a sweet, teenage heartbreak, but those last two paragraphs really brought it home. I actually found that reading it over a second time after knowing how it ended made it a whole different story, and I love that.
I think it has a lot of slack sentences and redundant words. I like the general tone of it, it feels like a stream of conciousness, but as a literary work it could be tightened up a bit more. For example: "You think this game’s rules can’t be manipulated? You think that people won’t notice what is written in the rules and what isn’t?" The idea of betting on people not noticing how the rules work is great! But it could be stronger if it were phrased as a statement or certainty, rather than a question.
In the case of "You think you’re so brave and noble by being so accepting of your ‘lover’s’ sadistic ways, but really you are nothing but naive", again you have two really cool ideas, of a person being brave and noble, and of them actually being naive, but if you were to break them up into two separate ideas and go into them in a bit more detail, or find a different way to express it (like switching around the sentence structure) it could really bring it to life.
That said, this is an introspective piece of work, and you've done really well with the structure, especially that twist at the end. The tone of it is great, too. I can really feel the two very different attitudes between the two voices, and you've defined them well.
Good work =]
Thank you very much for your feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Anytime. Thank you for posting! I'm tempted to try out the same kind of internal-conflict-dialogue thing but I don't think I'll be able to do it as well. Switching viewpoints in such a short space isn't my forte. Any tips?
I think you could try switching mindset between perspectives. Since each of us is different and even the inner side of our emotions and thoughts can be different to what our outer nature is. Just try to put yourself in that perspective's shoes, as if it were a conversation between two different people.
I'll give that a try. Thanks! =D
No problem!