This is. She thought. The last performance of tonight's event. The one which will determine who will kiss or cry.
She slowly stepped out onto the ice, her heart beating heavily. The huge audience stared her down, making sure that every single detail of the upcoming performance would be remembered. Including any failures. Her outfit was a long dress, her right shoulder and arm being green and brown, her left shoulder and arm being red, yellow and orange, her stomach and back were white and grey and the bottom part of her dress was blue. The dress had long sleeves, along with a beautifully-decorated collar. Her twinkling blue eyes complimented both her flowing blonde hair and beautiful dress.
She heard her name announced:
“Ladies and gentlemen,” The presenter’s deep voice announced. “Please welcome Molly Carter of the United Kingdom.” As the announcement finished, she moved into his place in the centre of the ice rink, before looking down onto her snow-white skates, waiting for the music to come in. The music chosen for this performance was “Elements” by Lindsey Stirling. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOWVUIbl63k)
Her program began with a Straight Step Sequence, emotion was flowing out of her movements like a river. She began skating faster when the pizzicato intro came in, which made her regret having her hair loose. The steps and turns she used matched in with the music like two puzzle pieces. The audience and the judges could clearly see that she was in control of herself. Her variety of moves was astounding: twizzles, rockers, mohawks, all of them had their very specific place in the sequence, like a recipe. Her use of the ice surface was also amazing; there was not a single part of the rink that she had not covered.
Then, when the bridge slowly came on, she entered into a Camel spin, stretching her body out horizontally and keeping only one skate on the ice. She gracefully performed 5 full rotations before switching to a Layback spin. She pulled her right leg up to her back and leaned her head backwards, so that it looked as if the blade and her head were touching. She spun another 5 rotations, and moved on ahead. She turned her back on her direction of travel and prepared for the chorus.
As the powerful chorus came smashing in, she was lifted into the air from the outside edge of her blade, as if ascending into the Heavens above. In mid-air, she spun four times, before gracefully landing upon the ice surface on the same edge of blade. She smiled as the warm sensation of joy filled her, everyone in the audience cheered as she began skating forwards, preparing herself for another jump.
She threw herself up from the outside edge of her blade and, rotating three times in the air, she harmoniously glided down onto the outside edge of her other foot. However, this didn’t end there. Almost immediately after landing that jump, she thrusted herself up in the air again, this time facing backwards and from her outside edge, and performed another three rotations, before landing upon the same outside edge.
However, the chorus was still not over. She threw her arms in all different directions, bursting with emotion. Her facial expression changed as she went along, but it mostly portrayed either faked sadness, or true happiness, although fatigue could also be found in her expression.
Not soon after that, the second verse came in. She began her Spiral Sequence with Hydroblading. As she started to circle around the centre of the rink, she began closing in on it and before long, she slowly descended towards the ice, keeping one hand in the air, and one hand on the ice. She felt as the cold touch travelled through her body. Soon, she felt she was losing speed, so she instantly picked herself up and moved into an Arabesque Spiral. She lifted her left leg into the air behind her and stretched out her arms, almost as if she was a child pretending to be an airplane. She skated smoothly from one side of the rink to the other, before placing her leg back down onto the ice and moving into a Spread Eagle position. She breathed out calmly and smiled, before quickly accelerating, facing away from the direction of travel. She jumped up again into a Triple Flip and landed with as much grace as ever before. The second bridge was accompanied by a Sit spin, where she crouched down slightly and began spinning energetically. After seven full rotations, she lifted herself up and started skating backwards.
Then, the chorus came in with a bang again, she mimicked this and entered with the hardest jump in her routine: a Quadruple Salchow. She gathered all the strength she had left and launched herself into the air from inside edge of her right blade. She spun three times, before losing time and falling to the ice with a loud thud. However, she didn’t let this overpower her. She lifted herself up exactly a second after the fall and carried on the performance. She still felt her arm throbbing in pain, but she knew that she can’t turn back now. She instantly made up the loss of the last jump with a Triple Lutz, which was followed by a Triple Loop. The two jumps were about five seconds apart. Suddenly, she leaped up, not for a another jump, but for another spin. She bent her spine as far back as she could whilst spinning for five full rotations. She lifted herself up and threw her left leg into the air behind her, whilst lifting up her arms, catching the blade of her left skate in a Biellmann spin. She performed another five rotations and jumped one last time into a second Triple Axel. She landed and spun around quickly to face the judges, before throwing her arms up dramatically. That was when the performance ended.
Author’s Note:
I thought I might test the waters with this one. Feedback is more than welcome! :)
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Canary word: Present
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Hey DragonNoir,
The way you move from talking about the crowd to her outfit seems a little sudden and without much transition there. I would reword it to make the story flow a little better. Also, the entire conversation about her dress seemed unnecessarily detailed. I'm not sure why you chose to draw so much attention to that, but ultimately it didn't improve anyone's understanding of the characters/plot.MJ here for a quick review! The title intrigued me, so I figured I'd give it a read and try and offer you some helpful feedback.
Wait, how is she feeling? Is she more nervous? Even just one sentence here helps us to understand how her thoughts have progressed. This bit of narration feels a little dry as well, especially coming from someone who knows little to nothing about figure skating. It doesn't interest me very much because it seems like a monologue about ice skating and has little other content.
And as a side note, I think it would be helpful if the writing was a little less technical. I couldn't understand most of it since I'm not familiar with skating jargon and I'm assuming the majority of your readers won't be as well, so I would try and make it easier to understand just by using less technical terms.
And finally, on the ending, it would also be beneficial if you mentioned how the crowd reacted. Were they cheering or impassive, excited or disinterested, applauding or booing, murmuring or silent? This helps us to understand a bit more of the environment where the MC is and how they reacted to her performance helps the reader to get a full sense of how well she did.
Overall, I thought that this piece still had a lot of buildup and drama. The beginning section, where you described how nervous she was and how frightening it might be was especially well-written. Even in the sections when you included some hard-to-understand writing, there were a lot of descriptions in there that were really compelling and exciting. One of the main things I would recommend is lowering the amount of technicality in your writing so it is more easily understandable. Other than that, definitely keep writing and don't hesitate to tag me if you want another review!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you very much for your review! In case you're wondering, you'll see in my next short story why the dress is so important
Hey, Sky here for a review.
I would put, "This is, she thought, the last performance..." Leaving the "she thought" without italics.
In my opinion, I think you could still combine these two sentences. It sounds a bit choppy with the small sentence.
Flow this sentence more. It sounds choppy and like you just stuffed two sentences in one and separated them with a comma (comma splice).
You switched tenses and it was extremely noticeable. "Can't" should be "couldn't".
Extra letter here.
I actually fell in love with the descriptions in the story. I just have to say it because it was so amazing and thorough I felt as though I was watching it play out in front of me. I don't know any of these figure skating turns but not everyone who reads it will, so I think it was a very good idea to elaborate on it. Besides the few things above, I honestly don't think there is anything else wrong with this. It was just amazing, good job
I hope my review is helpful, happy editing
~Sky
Thank you for this review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hey, DragonNoir. Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!
This is incorrect grammatically, and it reads awkwardly. I'll link an article on how to properly punctuate dialogue, thoughts follow those same rules other than the quotes. Punctuation within Dialogue However, though awkwardly worded, I liked your nod to the kiss and cry.
How could a skater's costume be a long dress? Women usually wear short skirts for ease of movement. I just find this unrealistic.
Why wouldn't Molly have tied her hair back? This is a competition. Molly would have skated the program many times before, so she should have known that her hair needed to be pulled away from her face.
I'm fairly sure that you know that a quad salchow is an extremely hard jump for a woman to land. Molly having enough rotations, let alone being able to land it is a BIG DEAL. I feel like you should have added more of a sense of triumph and accomplishment on Molly's part.
Being totally honest here: this is a terrible ending sentence. You could have just cut this out, and it would have worked a ton better.
Overall, this wasn't bad but there are a few things I want to address.
1) Emotion. You didn't include a lot of emotion on Molly's part. She's a competitive skater. Any sort of performance is incredibly stressful and scary. I know that I'm always terrified when I play in front of a judge (I'm a pianist). It's stressful and scary, but the adrenaline rush afterward is amazing, which is what keeps me doing it. I feel like there's a lot of untapped emotion that is missing from this story.
2) Skating terms: You use a lot of them, but your readers aren't going to know what all of these spins and jumps look like. Drop fewer names and describe more of what Molly is doing with her body.
3) Description: Skating is all about visuals, but you don't use much description at all. Add more. But not just visual information. I want to hear the skates scraping on the ice; I want to feel the chilly air of the rink; I want to hear the crowd cheering. Use all of your senses. Make the reader experience what Molly is experiencing.
You have a lot of potential here, and I'd like to see you do a rewrite. If you do, be sure to let me know.
Feel free to pm me or reply to this comment if you have any questions.
~Storm
Thanks for your feedback! I'll probably do a rewrite later, but I can't make any promises. Once more, thanks for your review
Hi, DragonNoir.
I know nothing about ice skating but I found this piece interesting nonetheless. You seem to know exactly what you are talking about from a technical standpoint.
It helps you keep up a quick pace but you have narrator issues. Is your narrator omniscient or are we following the performance from the skater's point of view? Because the later option would be more powerful, I think. If I were you, I would rewrite the shortstory in both manners to assert which one suits better.
And, then, some parts simply don't make sense to me.
For example :
« This is. She thought. The last performance of tonight's event. The one which will determine who will kiss or cry. »
Didn't you mean :
« This is it, she thought. Tonight's last performance. The one which will determine who will kiss or cry... » ?
Or :
« Her outfit was a long dress, her right shoulder and arm being green and brown, her left shoulder and arm being red, yellow and orange, her stomach and back were white and grey and the bottom part of her dress was blue. »
Do you mean :
« Her outfit was a long dress, her right shoulder and arm green and brown, her left shoulder and arm red, yellow and orange, her stomach and back white and grey and the bottom part of her dress blue. » ?
And, as an end, « That was when the performance ended. » doesn't seem sufficient. We had emotions in the beginning. Maybe we should have some there too.
Thank you for the feedback, I'll be sure to remember that when writing stuff like this in future