The graveyard is spread out over an entire field. The vast amount of tall headstones make it look like a forest of stone trees, or a battlefield where a castle has been blown to bits. And it was a battlefield. This whole, slightly sloping hill had been host to a battle which had wiped out half the population of Eldelvin. Some of the survivors took control and established the town again with strict laws. These people banished the remaining members of the opposing side.
That was over a hundred years ago, since then the war has been forgotten. Almost. Although the real cause of the battle is unknown and no one in the town speaks of it, the terrible outcome is still present. So many of these graves belong to people who died in that fight. But that isn't what really reminds us of the war.
The people who were banished never really left. They settled themselves in the seemingly neverending forest which begins right beside my house. No one goes into the forest except the hunters, and they go there to kill the banished. That's why I can't be walking around whilst they're hunting; the banished are humans, so they look the same. The hunters won't hesistate to shoot someone on sight.
After walking for five minutes, I locate the grave of my mother and father. My mum perished after giving birth to me and my dad died not long after. Their grave is covered in moss and grime; I should feel ashamed for not coming and cleaning it. But I don't, because I didn't know my parents, and they didn't get to know me.
I lie down on the ground beside the grave, using my bag of food as a makeshift pillow. The chipped angel on top of the tombstone watches me as I drift off to sleep. I dream of the war which happened here. I fight and then they banish me..
Morning comes and I am awaken by the footsteps of people coming to visit their relatives. I sling my bag over my shoulder and run out of the graveyard before anyone has a chance to scowl at me. I don't even say goodbye to my parents and it doesn't sadden me at all.
I leave the town behind me and trek about three quarters of a kilometre along the shore before climbing the hill to my home. It looks the same as it did when I left it; no smashed windows from stray bullets. The foxglove flowers are still there, staring at me, telling me to be beautiful like them.
I walk up to the back door and pull the keys from my bag, but they slip out of my hand and fall onto the dirt. I bend down to pick them up and I find myself staring at the ground a few metres from me. There are footsteps. Actual human footsteps that I didn't make.
Do I follow them? I can't help but feel scared; no one has ever come here without telling me. "Pull yourself together," I order myself and follow the footsteps around the side of the building.
What I see sends shivers down my spine. I don't know if I should grab the first aid kit or a gun. Leaning against the white wall, staining it blood red, is a young man. I've never seen hair as messy as his is, or skin as rough with dirt as his appears. His shoulder is shredded, blood spilling out everywhere.
I know what's happened. The hunters shot him. He's a banished. And I feel stupid for doing it, but I can't leave him there to bleed to death. I put my arms under his armpits and slowly drag the unconscious being to my back door.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Here again~
Nice! We've got some history and explanation. Very exciting! I'm going to go ahead and dive in.
We remember the causes of wars that happened in the 1300s (Hundred Years' War, if you were curious as to what example I was using). One hundred years is nothing. Really, it's just lazy history creation there. Surely you can think of some conflict.
What a dangerous place to live. Why would she possible choose to live there?
I think you can condense this into a smaller sentence since it's kinda commons sense that the banished would be humans.
I pulled this out though because, while this does expand on why she could go home, I'm still not buying this. I mean, she has a house to hide in. She could still go home and just hide inside until this hunting is through.
Also, don't the banished retaliate? There are men hunting them like animals. The banished know where the town is. Why don't they attack?
Of what? If you leave it vague like this, it makes me think you just wanted us to feel sorry for poor orphan Foxglove and didn't want to make another character profile.
All that being said, I'm interested to see where all of this goes. I do like the banished/townsfolk dynamic, and I can't wait to see what happens with this banished boy.
Chapter 3 here I come!
Megs~
Here you give use more information about your universe, with that little part about history. Interesting one and I really like to know more about that banished thing, if there's more to it than just being on the losing side of a battle.
Your writing is efficient, I guess you just need to add one or two details at some moment, but nothing more.
I guess that chapter is where all the problems really start, with that unkown guy.
Perhaps that chapter could use a little more in the description of the home. Not much needed, but I don't even now if it's a little cabin or a whole palace.
Oh, one more thing I forgot to add... don't decrease the word count of your chapters just for the sake of people maybe being more likely to read them. It's not worth potentially butchering up your content into potentially awkward chunks. So far that's not the case, but it could happen. Just wanted to add that.
Loving it!
Thank you! That was a great review.
Tealessence back for reviewing!
I'm just going to quote particular sections and comment on them.
"Their grave is covered in moss and grime; I should feel ashamed for not coming and cleaning it. But I don't, because I didn't know my parents. And they didn't get to know me."
This reveals more about Foxglove's character and I really appreciate this little snippet of character revelation. She's not attached to her parents, but she's not indifferent; she has a certain sense of respect for them. Interesting, you managed to illustrate a relationship between a live person and 2 dead people. That's pretty impressive.
"The chipped angel on top of the tombstone watches me as I drift off the sleep." Obviously here it should be "to sleep", not "the sleep". But what I really wanted to remark upon was the beauty of this descriptive sentence. Personally when I'm in a graveyard I always feel like I'm being watched, it has a sort of somber... mild mysteriousness about it. This sentence illustrates that mood perfectly.
"The last things I hear before my dreams engulf me are the sounds of guns going off and the banished dying." I did the conversions from metric to imperial(?) and she apparently is close enough to her home to hear the sounds of the dying, which I questioned at first. For some reason the phrase "guns going off" caught my attention a bit too much; for some reason I don't like it. Perhaps a different choice of words? Maybe also for "the banished dying". Like, what do the banished dying sound like? Mangled screams? I think more concrete descriptive language here would intensify the effect on the reader.
"I leave the town behind me and treck about three quarters of..." "Treck" should be spelled as "trek".
"The foxglove flowers are still there, staring at me, telling me to be beautiful like them." I love the continuity of this theme.
" "Pull yourself together," I order and follow the footsteps..." I think this would make more sense if you said " "Pull yourself together," I order myself and follow the footsteps..." Because without 'myself' being there, the word 'order' caught my attention a bit too much and it was slightly distracting.
"I don't know if I should grab the first aid kit or a gun." WOW. This is powerful. It reveals a lot about how she thinks of the banished. She's not totally against them, but she's not exactly 'with' them either despite being an outsider herself. Very interesting.
"And I feel stupid for doing it, but I can't leave him there ... I ... slowly drag [him] to my back door." You made my jaw drop here! All I could say was, UH OH!!!
Congratulations. I'm hooked.
I'm looking forward to your next chapter!
Now I see that these first two chapters are a rewrite of "Foxglove". Sorry for the misunderstanding I may have caused in the previous chapter!
Okay, to start off, I like how Foxglove is aware of what happened in Eldelvin, despite the people in her town brushing her off like she was nothing. For me, it seems to show that even then, Foxglove still cares somehow for this town she was technically not part of. Also, it seems to me, that she cares more for her parents than she says she does. For one, I don't think the first thing she'd do if she didn't care would be to sleep next to her parents' graves. I'd think she would have, instead, slept somewhere off the streets where it was warmer. Next, she still thought of cleaning it, despite not doing it, so the thought is still there. I might be reading too much into it, but that's the impression I get. Also, I like how the chapters are short! It doesn't seem intimidating to read that way.
Now, time for some things I spotted. Like before, I've listed them down below, along with my comments/suggestions.
The transition between the phrases seem lacking. I suggest that you add an "and" after the comma.
This feels a bit choppy for me. Maybe you could drop the period for a comma instead. That's up to you though!
The "the" should be "to".
I think the semicolon should be a comma.
It's a minor typo. "Treck" should be "trek.
Overall though, it's a good read to know more about the background of the population. Also, it makes me want to stay tuned to see how Foxglove's relationship with the banished man will turn out. Good job!
That's alright.
Thank you for pointing out the errors.