I wake up with the forest's canopy looming over me threatingly. If trees could talk, I reckon they would be saying I've got you now! After living beside the forest for my whole life, never had I once stepped foot in it. Yet here I was. It was a gloomy sort of beautiful; specks of sun found their way through the branches, shining on the mossy ground like pieces of gold; birds sang a peaceful song as the leaves swayed to a beat.
Then I realised how I'd gotten here and the forest didn't seem so magical anymore. Now I feel like it's trapping me, holding me prisoner for that bastard who dares to use the name of a good king.
I jump to my feet when I hear broken branches cracking under someone's feet. "Foxglove," Arthur holds his hands before him in a calming gesture, "don't be mad, just stay calm."
My forehead creases as I raise my eyebrows in disbelief. "Mad? Don't be mad?" I feel myself marching forward, my hands outstretched. "I think I'm a little beyond mad!" I grab his bandaged shoulder and squeeze. I watch him cry out in pain. "I thought you'd wanted to stay with me! Instead you abduct me!"
Arthur uses his other arm to claw at me, but to no prevail. "Foxglove!" He shouts so loud that it must have been heard all throughout the forest. I hope that no hunters are around. "Foxglove!"
"I can hear you, you idiot!" I look down at my hand digging into his shoulder, my nails are red with blood. I decide that I have to stop hurting him, but before I'm able to do so willingly two burly men grab me from behind and throw me to the ground.
One of them towers over me, his hands on his hips. It doesn't look like this guy has shaved in years, you can hardly see his face beneath all that facial hair.
"Are you alright?" I look over to my right, the second man has his hand around Arthur, supporting him.
Arthur nods, though he's breathing heavily. "Yeah, that girl's a nasty piece of work."
The man laughs in agreement, throwing a look in my direction. "She's going to be difficult, but she's necessary."
"Necessary for what?" I pipe up. The guy guarding me grunts and begins talking before the others can. "You'll see, princess." He picks me up off the ground and pulls me along by the arm, leading me further into the forest. Arthur and the other man follow closely behind.
Even though we're going deeper and deeper, the trees are getting further and further apart. Eventually we arrive at a clearing and I see blows my mind. There is a lake in the middle of the forest, it's about as long as a football field and as wide as two of them. But it's what's around the lake that amazes me. There's a human settlement. A banished settlement. There are at least fifty tents surrounding the water and each one has its own little vegetable garden. Adults and children walk and play freely, there are even rabbits hopping around.
"Welcome to my humble abode," Arthur says proudly.
An old lady leans against her walking stick as she approaches me. "Hello, Foxglove. We've been expecting you." She holds her hand out to shake mine. I would like to karate chop her and demand where I am but I'm too awe struck to do that, so I just shake her hand.
"My name is Olive. Now if you'd just come with me." She waves her arm towards a slightly larger tent than the others.
Arthur and the two men walk away so I decide to just follow her. I'm greeted by unnaturally cheerful children who hand me all different kinds of wild flowers. By the time I enter the tent I am holding a whole bunch.
"This is our meeting tent." Cushions are strewn on the ground, she sits on one and I feel obliged to do the same. "Now, I expect you're wondering why we brought you here."
No, I think the thought must have skipped my mind. I sigh, what does she think I'm wondering? "That would be nice to know," I say as politely as possible.
She gets straight to the point, literally. "We need you to help us fight the barbarians. If we succeed in our endeavours we will no longer have to live in fear of being hunted."
I bite my tongue and my face twists into a confused snarl, "How could I help?!"
She smiles. "I'm glad you asked. Our spies have reported that a certain politician has tender feelings for you."
I shake my head so violently that my head begins to hurt. "No way! NO!" She wants me to go to Domonic, she wants me to marry him. I know she does.
"I'm afraid you have no choice, dear Foxglove. We can do this the easy way or the hard way, but both will have the same result."
My voice is firm, "I'm not doing it, end of story."
The old lady tilts her sad and glares at me sadly, "We really could be friends, if you'd only do what I asked."
I begin standing up and she turns toward the opening of the tent. "Foxglove!" she shouts. What the heck? Is my name a code word or something? I find out that it is when another muscly, frightening man appears in the entrance. He's clearly not going to let me through.
"What will it be?" Olive smiles at me, but I know it's fake. 'The easy way or the hard way?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Told you I'd come back~
Ooh. I think this is my favorite chapter so far. Finally getting to see the banished is exciting!
Haven't they been in the forest for over a hundred years? Why are they still living in tents? My first thought was that they had to be nomadic to keep away from the hunters, but if so, why don't they just leave the area all together?
They don't think she might need protection at all? Olive is old, and Foxglove is young. Foxglove has already shown that she doesn't mind hurting people. Why aren't they going to protect their leader?
From what you've shown us of Foxglove's character, she doesn't really care about being polite. Why is she suddenly worrying about it?
Why would she think her name was a code word? Olive could have just been calling it to stop Foxglove from leaving, to get her attention.
Okay, one large problem I see: the banished are too likable. You've done everything but paint "peace loving people" on their foreheads. Rabbits. Children with flowers. Foxglove's people kill theirs. They should be afraid, angry! These are hunted people. They're desperate. Olive's actions in the last paragraph kinda show this, but that's only Olive. This should be seen throughout the society.
I really love Olive though! I want to see what else she has up her sleeve. She seems very sly, and I like that.
Headed for the next chapter eventually,
Megs~
I'm baaaack!
Ooooo so this is turning into something very interesting! I can't think of a story I've read that's similar to this, which is a brilliant thing because it shows your originality. I'm still really intrigued by Arthur, and I want to know if he's a good guy or not because at the moment, it's hard to tell. That's a good thing, of course, because it encourages me to read on in order to find out. I'm really intrigued to see what these humans are like--if they're like humans today (us) or if they're at all different. You've definitely got something very intriguing going on here anyway, so massive kudos to you for that.
In regard to critiques, I will make myself sound like a broken record by mentioning the pace thing again. It's a little annoying because it honestly feels like if you got a better handle of the pacing of your writing, this would instantly become ten times better. It's good now, but by fixing the pace of the story I genuinely think it could be awesome. I won't repeat what I've said in previous reviews because I think I may have figured out what it actually is that's causing the pace to seem more rushed: Foxglove's internal monologue.
Her reactions to things, her thought processes e.t.c. need more attention, I think. It currently feels a little like you're just constantly eager to move on to the next part of the scene, and so you disregard what's going on in Foxglove's head a lot. Spend more time on Foxglove's thoughts, emotions, internal dialogue e.t.c. Not only will that balance out the pace, but it'll let us readers grow more attached to her as a character. Just overall make your chapters longer, y'know? Delve into details more. I mean, granted, as someone who generally writes chapters with around 2,500 to 3,000 words, I am a little biased... But this chapter is around 900 words long, and I can't help feeling that's awfully short.
I do also have a little nit-pick I'd like to bring up, which is the conclusion Foxglave came to when Olive mentioned Dominic. This could perhaps be an example of what I said earlier actually, about how you always seem eager to move the plot on. Admittedly I'm not the smartest gal in the world, but in Foxglove's situation, I wouldn't have come to the conclusion Olive wanted me to marry Dominic when she mentioned him. I'd think of Dominic as a result of what she said, sure, but I wouldn't immediately think 'ah crap, she wants me to marry him'. I'd just figure she wanted me to get on his good side or something.
This is somewhere I think you could have some great internal dialogue for Foxglove, even if it's just a short paragraph. After what Olive says, have her deliberate in her head of what she thinks Olive is requesting of her. Have her think 'oh no, Dominic... What does she want me to do with him? I can't use him for the humans' gain, it won't work, he'll see through it. I don't have that much power anyway, I can't possibly get the humans power through being nice to Dominic. I'd have to marry the guy to even come close... Oh no. I can't marry him, they better not ask that of me.' That's obviously not the best example, but d'you get what I mean? Instead of her immediately responding with 'No, I'm not marrying Dominic'. Make her think about it, deliberate what Olive is actually asking her.
Other than that, I can't think of anymore critiques to give you. Thus far I think the only somewhat major issue with this novel is the pacing. I wholeheartedly think that if that is fixed, you will have a seriously great story here. It's original and could go in so many directions, and it's all very exciting. I hope I've been of help anyway, and if you have any questions or comments about this review (or any of my previous ones), please don't hesitate to let me know.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thank you for writing such excellent reviews!
I totally get what you're saying about my pacing. I'm not very good at detailing things. This story was actually based on a short one I wrote a couple years ago. So think I'll just finish this and rewrite it in a year or two when I'm better at details. XD
No problem, glad I could be of help!
Haha yeah, that's fair enough! I've rewritten novels (or tried to anyway) many, many times. Just practice as much as you can and you'll eventually get the hang of it, I'm sure!
“Yet here I was [am]. It was [is] a gloomy sort of beautiful; specks of sun found [find] their way through the branches, shining on the mossy ground like pieces of gold; birds sang [sing] a peaceful song as the leaves swayed [sway] to a beat.” You switched from present to past tense here. I placed the correct word after each incorrect one inside parentheses.
“Then I realised [realise] how I'd gotten here and the forest didn't [doesn’t] seem so magical anymore.” Same thing here.
“…but before I'm able to do so willingly two burly men grab me from behind and throw me to the ground.” Oh shoot. Hunters?
“It doesn't look like this guy has shaved in years, [;] you [I] can hardly see his face beneath all that facial hair.” Comma splice and the ‘you’. I corrected in the brackets.
“ "She's going to be difficult, but she's necessary." ” Uh oh. Doesn’t sound good.
“He picks me up off the ground and pulls me along … Arthur and the other man follow closely behind.” I’m pretty sure if I were Foxglove here I would be struggling to get out of this man’s grasp.
“Eventually we arrive at a clearing and [what] I see blows my mind.” I’m assuming you meant to put “what” there.
“Cushions are strewn on the ground, she sits on one and I feel obliged to do the same.” Comma splice.
“She gets straight to the point, literally.” I don’t think the word ‘literally’ is necessary here.
“I bite my tongue and my face twists into a confused snarl…” Excellent description!
“ “Our spies have reported that a certain politician has tender feelings for you." ” Ahaha! The guy who wants to marry her!
“I shake my head so violently that my head begins to hurt. "No way! NO!" She wants me to go to Domonic, she wants me to marry him. I know she does.” I knew who Olive was talking about and I know the situation regarding him and Foxglove, but I only forgot his name. “She wants me to go to Domonic, she wants me to marry him. I know she does.” First of all there’s a comma splice. : ) Secondly and more importantly, because the reader already knows the situation between Foxglove and Domonic, I don’t think it’s necessary to say all of that. Perhaps you could consider rephrasing it into something like the following: “No way! NO!” The mere thought of Domonic made my blood boil.”
“My voice is firm, "I'm not doing it, end of story." ” Comma splice.
“I begin standing up..” I don’t think the word ‘begin’ is necessary here. Unless someone is about to push her back down, she either stands up or she doesn’t.
“What the heck? Is my name a code word or something? I find out that it is when another muscly, frightening man appears in the entrance.” Okay, now I see what you’re doing here. I only understood the code word thing the second time I read it. Perhaps if you added something else for clarity: “…she shouts towards the opening of the tent.” That way we know she’s not shouting at Foxglove; she’s shouting for someone else.
“Olive smiles at me, but I know it's fake.” I don’t think it’s necessary to say her smile was fake, given the situation… the reader already knows that.
“ 'The easy way or the hard way?" ” Your first quotations marks is only a single one (‘) when it should be a double (“).
Great chapter! Can’t wait to find out what they want her to do!
P.S. Sorry for so much grammar corrections. But hey, someone has to do it, right?
Good:
First of all, I love the name Foxglove. The emotions in this story seems real instead of cliché like some other works. I also like how it first started out describing the scene so that readers could picture it in their mind.
Need for improvement: Just a few grammar mistakes, it's nothing serious, I always have a couple of them.
'The easy way or the hard way?"
I noticed you accidently put a ' instead of a dialogue quote, no biggie.
My voice is firm, "I'm not doing it, end of story."
Perhaps this could be revised, I don't know why, but it annoys me slightly that it starts out as "my voice is firm,"
"What will it be?" Olive smiles at me, but I know it's fake.
Just a suggestion, instead of putting "I know it's fake at the end" you could take that and put:
"What will it be?" Olive feigns a smile at me.
The old lady tilts her sad and glares at me sadly,
Lol.. I remember doing something similar to this once. I'm assuming you meant head? And maybe you could call the old lady an "elderberry".. just joking!