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Seeing Through the Eyes of Faith

by DoubleRiders

(Just a quick apology to the readers. This poem was written for a specific friend of mine and so some of the references you may not get... nevertheless, I am really looking for honest reviews so I can improve my writing. Thank you!) 

My dear sister in Heaven, adorer of the Trinity

Today Jesus looks upon thee and smiles.

Through the bliss which will fill thee for all eternity,

Take pity on your little ones left on earth who must still suffer trials.

On Calvary we present into thy hands our heart,

For you to offer to the Beloved you gaze upon.

Ask Him on our behalf to never cause us to part,

Together we are victim souls; our heart is joined in oblation.

Preserve us from staining His workings in our souls,

Hold us steadfast in the darkest of times.

The eyes of our heart ever fixed upon our Eternal Goal,

Accepting of accusations but innocent of the crimes.

And when it comes our time to immerse into His vast ocean of love,

Show us to the place where together we can adore Him with all those already above. 

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816 Reviews

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Reviews: 816

Sun Jan 27, 2019 3:54 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi DoubleRiders, here to review another one of your poems for Review Day. :)

SO I don't mind the formal language for a poem/prayer like this - as this is how some people are most comfortable praying anyways. It's a bit difficult to understand as an average reader, and I don't really know what the word "oblation" means - but overall it's fine.

You use mostly imagery that is fairly familiar with Christian audiences - darkness vs lightness, heavens, calvary, oceans - I think you could push yourself to do a few that are a bit more "out of the box" or maybe use some of the old images in new ways. Because without something new or something that grabs the audience emotionally, it's more of a prayer than poetry. An eloquent prayer itself is fine, more than fine, it's beautiful - but not quite poetry if that makes sense.

The main message I'm getting is that the speaker is trying to come to terms with someone's earthly death and is trying to find hope and comfort from looking at the cross and the hope of eternal life.

Some inconsistencies: In one place you capitalized "eternal" and then uncapitalized it elsewhere - I know they're used in different senses, but not all readers will catch that, and might get hung up on the inconsistency.

One main area where you could work a bit on is

Line length consistency
this poem feels a bit all over the place for line length, and that can hurt the flow when you've already got a nice rhyme scheme going on.

Extended metaphors
Some your extended metaphor language specifically the lines using 'hearts' doesn't quite make sense -> try visualizing each line (not each sentence, but each line) and see what happens. For instance "On calvary we present into thy hands our heart"
so much going on here that's just taken for granted/logical steps are being skipped - > is the speaker on calvary presenting their heart? are only the hands on calvary? why would they hand a heart to someone who has their hands nailed to a cross so they can't recieve it.

You see what I mean? Just go through following each line, and then maybe each image, and see if you can clean up the continuity a bit more. :) I think that'll especially help readers who maybe aren't as familiar with these traditional Christian images.

I hope you keep up the religious poetry! :) Looking forward to your next poem! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions about my review.



DoubleRiders says...

Thank you very much for the review! Yes I often struggle with the line length!

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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:06 am
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ThomMLP02 says...

This sort of writing reminds me some what of the Apostle Paul, John, and probably also Peter would write. It reads like a prayer. It might be too personal of a question to ask, but what do you mean by 'victim souls'? I really enjoyed reading this - thank you for posting this!

DoubleRiders says...

Hey there! Thanks for the comment :) Most people were a little confused by that but it makes sense. So many people believe that Jesus died on the Cross so now earth should be heaven - without suffering. It is quite the opposite as He died to show us how to live! In a sense we should be %u201Cvictimss%u201D ourselves like He was, but nobody really does that. %u201CVictim souls%u201D would be specific people who choose to take on the sufferings of all those who don%u2019t wish to suffer. Hope that helps!

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45 Reviews

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Reviews: 45

Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:01 pm
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potatoefry2001 wrote a review...

Hey there, DoubleRiders, 'Tato here for a review.

I just wanted to say, I know that death is hard to deal with. Your piece speaks VOLUMES!!!! I love the line that says "And when it comes to our time to immerse into His vast ocean of love, Show us to the place where together we can adore Him with all those already above." While your writing style is simple, it is not bland. It is extravagant! I guess there is nothing here for me to critique. I will just say GREAT job, and keep up the FANTASTIC work. i look forward to reading more pieces by you! Happy Writings! And again, good job!:D :D :D 'Tato out.

DoubleRiders says...

Thank you so much! %u2764%uFE0F%uD83D%uDE4F%uD83C%uDFFB

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll