Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Turn To The Light

by Dossereana, alliyah


Turn To The Light

by alliyah & Dossereana


don't leave the clouds in exchange

for sunrises, the light won't

reflect off empty air

but with no sun,

there will just be an empty heart

and silent echoes,

and soundless songs

but come on let's light up your soul

let sparks catch at the edges

leave the clouds and all

make a new light shine in the sky

breathe in fresh air again

if the sun won't shine

the stars will work

just look for the light

perhaps we could even trust the moon

for the light is always in the sky

when the moon is right there with the sun.

there is always light,

just as there is always darkness

so take it all,

into your heart

just remember to be kind,

to everyone around you,

you never know who is caught

underneath the darkened clouds

and straining to see the light.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 30484
Reviews: 542

Donate
Mon Sep 23, 2019 2:47 am
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, Alli and Doss. FlamingPhoenix here to drop off a review for you guys on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room, and of cores to help polish this work up a little.

May I start by saying this was a really well wrote poem, everything flowed together so well, and it just mixed. When I read your poems title, I did get the feel that it was about the light, but I never imagined it to be like this, this was really deep and full of emotions. Loved how you used the moon and the sun, it was really well done.
What made this poem better for me was the descriptive words, they just added a knew element to this poem, like I could see what you were talking about, that and the emotions just made it better.

But there was just one small thing that should be addressed, and I point this out to most people who write poems. I feel like this should be put into paragraphs. Davide this poem up, by putting brakes between the paragraphs it allows your reader to stop and dwell on the emotions and the words you are passing onto them. I found myself wanting a place to stop to think over what you were saying as I was reading this poem, but by the time I go to the end there were so many things to think about it just because a little over whelming. You know what I mean?

But other than that I just loved this, I could kind of tell who wrote what parts of the poem, and I'm really amazed this came out so well. I'm not sure if you guy planned this before you started or if you went with the flow. But either one this was amazing, and I can't wait to see more works from you two.

I hope you guys will keep writing and posting on YWS! It was a great joy reading and reviewing your poem, and I can't wait to do it again sometime. So never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Image




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the review flames, I am sure that @alliyah and I will keep it all in mind, I loved reading it, and I agree with everything you said in the review. thanks again for the great review. :D





No problem! I loved reviewing this peace! ;)



alliyah says...


Thanks for your kind comments Phoenix!





You're welcome! :D



User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 8689
Reviews: 83

Donate
Mon Sep 23, 2019 2:45 am
View Likes
Daughter wrote a review...



Hi there, @Dossereana and @alliyah! I'm Daughter, stopping by to drop you both a review.

This is such a lovely piece! I can tell you both put a lot of effort into it, and that's so great to see. Collaborating in general, not to mention when writing poetry, is really difficult to do. I myself haven't really been successful in doing so, but you two seem to have pulled it off really well!

In terms of criticism, I did notice a few things that I'd like to try and help with.
For one, I found that the message of your piece did fit somewhat of a stereotype of looking for hope within adversity - the hope being light. This is always such a touching message, but it seems to have been overused; appearing in writing of all sorts. Eventually, for a reader, it becomes somewhat repetitive, and it can be difficult to enjoy works revolving around it in their full capacities.
However, that said, both of you do a great job distinguishing your work from most others that I've read; most don't take the 'light' part so literally. I really liked that about this-particularly when you threw in that bit about

the darkened clouds

..that was a very nice touch. It's so important to stick to your theme, and by that being at the end, you displayed together that you could certainly do so successfully. Well done.

I did enjoy that you two made it your responsibility to close the poem with a reminder to be kind to one another; because doing so is truly the light in our lives. Your imagery is simple, but effective; and I really do love it. I would simply advise you both to shorten this, however, because it became a bit wordy.
As @Tuckster also noted, I'd say that you might want to consider stanza breaks; it would help your piece flow much better and I can see some hotspots that I feel desperately need to be split. Other than that, however, I really think that there's nothing else I can truly critique!

This was such a lively piece, and I truly loved it. You two work so well together. Please write more!
Best regards and thanks for sharing,
Daughter




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the review, it really helps, I will keep everything in mind. I am happy that you liked it. again thanks for the review.



alliyah says...


Good points Daughter! Thanks for reviewing!



User avatar
412 Reviews


Points: 65738
Reviews: 412

Donate
Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:46 am
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Doss and alliyah! Tuck swinging by for a quick review.

I like the way that this poem wrestled with the themes of light and dark and the way you balanced both words equally. It also flowed well for a collaborative poem-- I have a hunch of who wrote which paragraphs, but it still felt connected and flowed smoothly.

In terms of flow, I think it'd strengthen your poem to have stanza breaks. While it's not a strict requirement for poetry, in this case it felt as if you just continued on and on without giving the reader time to breathe and let the ideas that you've expressed really sink in. There seem to be logical places for you to divide it up, and it would make this more digestible, for lack of a better word.

The last stanza was by far my favorite. It ended the poem with a practical application the reader can take away with them that is closely connected to the themes that you've developed throughout. The balance that you struck throughout this poem was remarkable, and I really enjoyed reading this. If you have any questions about my review, please just let me know and I'd be happy to answer them for you! I hope to read more from the two of you in the future :)

Image

~Tuck




Dossereana says...


Thanks for the review Tuck, it always helps me and @alliyah a lot, I agree with everything you said and I will keep it in mind.



alliyah says...


Thanks Tuck!




Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li