I wish i had the guts to talk to you
But everytime i try, i feel like i've been stabbed in the chest
I wish i had the guts to talk to you
But everytime i try i get this feeling in my stomach and get so stressed
I wish you didn't have the past you did
So i wouldn't have to hate myself for the way i feel
I wish you didn't have the past you did
So a friendship could stay real
I wish things were different
So we could take our adventure
I wish things were different
So i wouldn't have to be a pretender
I wish i didn't feel this way
Because i'll have pain inside forever
I wish i didn't feel this way
But then i realize it's the best feeling ever
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey Dime666, back again for Review Day,
Positives:I thought it was cool that you have your poem broken up into two parts, as if they were chapters, which I haven't seen very much. Interesting thing to do.
At first glance your reduplication of the first line into the third line seemed wrong, but once I reread it I felt like it actually works well, especially with your "rap-ish" style that you've got going on here.
Negatives:
Unfortunately, as you've continued to use this pattern, it rather quickly becomes old and I don't want to read the same thing anymore. It's just overdone. You could use it in the third or fourth stanzas, but anything more than twice in this short piece would be too much, I feel. It's just not very creative or full.
I give it:
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first thing that I noticed about this poem was the rhyme that was going on. It didn't really do anything special but at the same time didn't really do anything bad, it was really just /there/ in most parts. I wanted to mention that the use of 'forever' and 'ever' isn't even a rhyme because 'ever' is a word inside 'forever'. It didn't add to the poem, so I suggest you take it out so you have more room and space for you to get your message across.
The poem is wrapped up in itself that there's all telling and no showing. The rule, "Show don't tell" is something that applies to poetry as well. Instead of telling this person that you feel stressed and nervous about talking to them, show this in the poem. Define it. What does the feeling in the speaker's stomach feel like? Dead butterflies sitting at the bottom? An ocean with waves rising and falling? There's a lack of imagery in this poem, and it's because you don't have anything /to/ describe.
I suggest picking some sort of metaphor or simile or anything that'll help start off your poem instead of just telling the reader the theme for the whole poem. Descriptions are what the readers can make emotional ties to, and if you don't give a way for that to happen, they probably won't care about the poem. You don't have to load the whole poem with this theme that you're trying to get across, but show us it. Does the pain feel a strain on the speaker's body like the clouds are pushing them down? Elaborate on what it feels like to the speaker and if you know how it feels, then the reader most likely will too.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hey Dime66 it's Oreos here for a review!
I really like this one too! It was great. The only thing I would remember is to capitalize your I's. Otherwise your flow was great. The emotion you put into this is just incredible. And even though people say poems should have imaginary, this one didn't need it. You did an amazing job with writing this! Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
Oreos