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Train (A short inspired oneshot)

by DevilBeMyDarling


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The platform was crowded, with many people and their suitcases rushing back and forth. There was an assortment of people, from young children running around their mothers' legs to teenagers with arms full of shopping bags with bright labels to a briefcase laden business men smoking against the wall.

Rush hour: an October Monday at three in the afternoon. The autumn leaves had long since sat on the curb and turned brown with rot, a bit of early winter slush had been swept to the side from passing feet.

16 year old Amy shivered and pulled her scarf closer, looking up at the station times. Her train should be arriving soon, it seemed she'd been waiting forever here in the flow of people. 

At last with the screech of metal on metal of the train's brakes and a clatter of steam, it pulled up to the station. Amy hurried to get in amongst the influx of bodies flowing towards the train like water to a drain. 

The seats were filled instantly and despite her attempts to push through the crowd faster and be seated, there were no spots.

This left the overhead train handles, as the poles were too crowded to successfully cling to and the train was starting to move. Amy rushed to the one of the emptier ones, with only one boy hanging onto the handle, gaze on his phone.

He was tall enough to reach the handle easy, wearing an average sweatshirt and jeans, dark hair cropped short and a little smile on his face as he gazed at his phone. Probably safe enough, he looked to be maybe her age, or a year older.

She sighed, walking over and trying to reach the handle. Standing on her tippy toes in her tall winter boots, she was still too short. Frustration grew as she tried once more, looking desperately for a seat and still finding none.

"The doors are closing. Please hold on." A pleasant robotic voice said. "The doors are closing. Please hold on."

I'm trying, okay?! Amy griped in her head, glancing around once more as the train began to lurch forward, almost stumbling with the movement.

Her eyes fell on the boy's arm.

He startled when her hand rested on his arm, nearly dropping his phone.

She stared straight ahead, her face flushing in embarrassment. She tightened her grip as the train started moving, hiding her flush with her hair.

He did nothing, only stared at her a minute. At last she found the courage to meet his eyes, a warm and confused brown. They stayed that way for a moment.

"I can't reach the handle." She said by way of explanation.

His eyebrows rose, he slowly nodded, a strange expression crossing his face as he said, "Right."

"Sorry." She mumbled, looking down at her feet.

Had someone's shoes ever been this interesting before? Had someone's bewildered expression ever held this much amusement for her? Was that tickling feeling in her chest love? Did she have a crush on him? He was handsome, his jawline elegant and beautiful, the dark hair and dark eyes, the thick lashes that swept over them...

What if this was the moment that she'd thought of all the time, where she met the love of her life in a chance encounter at random, like the female protagonist bumping into the handsome man she eventually marries?

His arm was strong and firm under her fingertips, steady. 

He would look good in a tux, she thought, gazing back at him. He smirked and she felt her face warm and her breathing quickened. She imagined the dress she would wear, the feeling of the tulle and silk on her skin, the love in her eyes as she looked up at his kind face. 

"Short." He snickered, and all of her dreams fell apart. 

"F*ck off." She rolled her eyes.


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Tue May 07, 2024 7:44 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite a cute little oneshot, not so cute in the traditional sense but certainly a cute way to depict a scene like this in a somewhat more realistic setting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The platform was crowded, with many people and their suitcases rushing back and forth. It was full of an assortment of people, from young children running around their mothers' legs to teenagers with arms full of shopping bags with bright labels to a briefcase laden business men smoking against the wall.

It was busy, an October Monday at three in the afternoon. The autumn leaves had long since sat on the curb and turned brown with rot, a bit of early winter slush had been swept to the side from passing feet.

16 year old Amy shivered and pulled her scarf closer, looking up at the station times. Her train should be arriving soon, it seemed she'd been waiting forever here in the flow of people.


Hmm this is a neat little setup to get us started here. Just a serene little scene of this afternoon and leading into the busy and somewhat scary moment. Its a lovely little transition into the introduction of our protagonist and exactly what situation she finds herself in.

At last with the screech of metal on metal of the train's brakes and a clatter of steam, it pulled up to the station. Amy hurried to get in amongst the influx of bodies flowing towards the train like water to a drain.

The seats were filled instantly and despite her attempts to push through the crowd faster and be seated, there were no spots.

This left the overhead train handles, as the poles were too crowded to successfully cling to and the train was starting to move. Amy rushed to the one of the emptier ones, with only one boy hanging onto the handle, gaze on his phone.


I am loving the description so far here. You're doing a wonderful job of bringing across that slightly overwhelming rush to try and get a good spot and then also the awkardness of deciding where to then stand because you have no spot. Its really bringing across Amy's character too.

He was tall enough to reach the handle easy, wearing an average sweatshirt and jeans, dark hair cropped short and a little smile on his face as he gazed at his phone. Probably safe enough, he looked to be maybe her age, or a year older.

She sighed, walking over and trying to reach the handle. Standing on her tippy toes in her tall winter boots, she was still too short. Frustration grew as she tried once more, looking desperately for a seat and still finding none.

"The doors are closing. Please hold on." A pleasant robotic voice said. "The doors are closing. Please hold on."

I'm trying, okay?! Amy griped in her head, glancing around once more as the train began to lurch forward, almost stumbling with the movement.


Oooh this is quite a nice moment. The relatability heads through the roof there on talking back to the train's auto announcement and then just frustratedly not being able to actually reach the support that you want to reach. Amy is certainly getting the full experience here.

Her eyes fell on the boy's arm.

He startled when her hand rested on his arm, nearly dropping his phone.

She stared straight ahead, her face flushing in embarrassment. She tightened her grip as the train started moving, hiding her flush with her hair.

He did nothing, only stared at her a minute. At last she found the courage to meet his eyes, a warm and confused brown. They stayed that way for a moment.

"I can't reach the handle." She said by way of explanation.

His eyebrows rose, he slowly nodded, a strange expression crossing his face as he said, "Right."


Oooh well this is a nice little meet cute. I also love how you can immediately tell from the reply from the boy that he is in fact not believing her story about not being able to reach the support. This is definitely set up quite nicely here at the moment.

"Sorry." She mumbled, looking down at her feet.

Had someone's shoes ever been this interesting before? Had someone's bewildered expression ever held this much amusement for her? Was that tickling feeling in her chest love? Did she have a crush on him? He was handsome, his jawline elegant and beautiful, the dark hair and dark eyes, the thick lashes that swept over them...

What if this was the moment that she'd thought of all the time, where she met the love of her life in a chance encounter at random, like the female protagonist bumping into the handsome man she eventually marries?

His arm was strong and firm under her fingertips, steady.


Oooh well this is certainly going the way of the most classic of meet cutes and I'm excited to see where this goes. It is hard to judge though, there's a bit of an air of uncertainty here. We'll see where things end up taking us here.

He would look good in a tux, she thought, gazing back at him. He smirked and she felt her face warm and her breathing quickened. She imagined the dress she would wear, the feeling of the tulle and silk on her skin, the love in her eyes as she looked up at his kind face.

"Short." He snickered, and all of her dreams fell apart.

"F*ck off." She rolled her eyes.


Well that seems like a more appropriate ending than you might think given what would actually happen in real life. I think it makes for quite a funny ending there to this otherwise much more classic style that's present elsewhere.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its a lovely little tale. We get some nice info about Amy and a quite well developed little scene there leading into the classic meet cute setup and ending on that lovely unique note. I think its wonderfully done.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Tue May 07, 2024 12:28 am
farq4d wrote a review...



hey there, I'm just dropping by for a quick review : )

First off, I really liked this story. I thought it was endearing and I thought that the interactions between the characters were very realistic. My little sister is sixteen and she is very short. I can totally see her being in this situation.

This story is about a girl who goes on a train and has a sweet interaction with another stranger on the train.

One of my favorite things in this short story is the descriptions:

The platform was crowded, with many people and their suitcases rushing back and forth. It was full of an assortment of people, from young children running around their mothers' legs to teenagers with arms full of shopping bags with bright labels to a briefcase laden business men smoking against the wall.


Here I can totally just visualize the train platform. I don't live in a place that has a lot of public transportation. So what I visualize is similar to what shows up in movies or tv shows. I feel like you were really able to capture the feeling of a crowded train platform.

This left the overhead train handles, as the poles were too crowded to successfully cling to and the train was starting to move. Amy rushed to the one of the emptier ones, with only one boy hanging onto the handle, gaze on his phone.


Okay, so I have been in a similar situation taking a train in the Atlanta airport in Georgia. Why do they only put like two poles on a train anyway?

Another thing I think you did really well was the interaction between the two characters. You told us before that Amy is sixteen. Although you don't explicitly state the boy's age, I feel like there's an implication that he is about the same age; otherwise, why would she be imagining her future with him? That being said, I can totally see this happening in real life. The embarrassment, to almost comfort, to annoyance. The quick-changing emotions I think are really reflective of life as a teenager.

One thing I would consider doing is removing any redundancies. For example, in those first two paragraphs, you say "The platform is crowded," and "It was full," and "It was busy." To me, this is a little redundant. What I would consider changing while still keeping the integrity of what you've already written would be to do more showing. For example:

The platform was crowded, many people and their suitcases rushed back and forth. Young children ran around their mother's legs. Teenagers with arms full of shopping bags covered in bright labels were strewn about. Briefcase laden businessmen were smoking against the wall


Basically, here I kept the blanket statement that "The platform was crowded" but instead of telling the reader that it was busy, it's more so proving to the reader that the statement is correct. Like all the supporting sentences just prove that blanket statement.

But anyway, overall, I really did enjoy reading this story. Like I said early, it was super endearing and realistic. And take whatever advice from this that you want if it fits for what you're going for! thanks for sharing this piece and I hope to read more short stories from you : )




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Mon May 06, 2024 6:08 pm
DevilBeMyDarling says...



If you know the problem you know it😂





Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality