Kain rose to his feet and cast a distasteful look out the window at the people, scrambling like rats about in the street below. “Look at all the destitute souls, consumed in desperation, living paycheck to paycheck.”
Shadar said nothing, buttoning Kain’s shirt neatly, pristine button by pristine button.
The disdain was clear in Kain’s narrowed gaze. “God, they’re awful. Scrambling around like ugly ants, throwing their lives away to climb even a step up the ladder. Aren’t they, Butler?” He demanded, turning to Shadar.
“Indeed, sir.” he said tightly, trying not to show any annoyance or emotion as he finished buttoning the cufflinks as well.
“If they were worth anything, if they knew true prosperity and power, perhaps they’d amount to something other than pawns in the war.” Kain laughed, a cruel high sound.
Shadar didn’t respond, gaze respectfully on the floor.
“You know, there’s something refreshing about your obedience, Butler.” He mused. “All in your place and the like.” Kain announced, his voice dripping in condescension.
“Thank you, My Lord.” Shadar said tightly, his teeth gritting.
“You’re quite different than any of the other waitstaff. Less useless.” Kain was smirking down at him, he could feel it. It made his blood boil, but he remained still. “Do you ever crave control, Butler? Or do you find comfort in abiding orders?”
He thought about it. “A balance is good. Control of yourself, your emotions and thoughts, but abiding by the orders from above.”
It seemed to work as an answer. “A balance, hmm…Interesting perspective from a servant. You know your place, but perhaps dream of higher things? Independence. How amusing.”
His teeth ground together slightly, his fists clenched in the fancy gloves.
“Why does this fascinate me?” Kain asked, his shoes clicking slightly to the side. “Why does it feel like you’re leaving out something?”
He felt the coldness in his sleeve. “Because I am, ‘My Lord’. Maybe it’s because I’m an assassin sent to kill you.”
A sharp movement. “What do you mean? An assassin?” His voice sounded skeptical, disbelieving.
A beat of silence.
“You jest.” Kain snorted. “You’re my loyal butler, you’ve been since I was a child. Such a claim is ridiculous, so it’s clearly a jest.”
He didn’t even believe it was possible, judging by the sound of his voice. It was this that made the cold knife slip into his hand. “Have I ever joked with you before?”
Kain spluttered in absolute fury, turning from his position at the window. “Ridiculous. You’re nothing but a bug under my feet, a peasant lucky enough to be a butler of this family.”
“An interesting assumption, ‘My Lord’.” The absolute satisfaction he felt upon seeing Kain’s face, indignance turning to shock as Shadar approached with the dagger.
“W-what is the meaning of this?” Kain glared, still not quite believing it.
He would believe it soon.
Shadar considered the dagger in his hand. “A good question to ask. Something actually intelligent coming from your mouth at last.” He laughed, coming closer, backing Kain into a corner.
“You…You really are an assassin sent to kill me?” At last an edge of fear appeared in Kain’s gaze. “Always? Since birth?”
Shadar laughed harder. “Oh no. For most of your life, you had a most devout butler. But you see, I am one of those…how did you phrase it, ‘destitute souls’? And so is my brother…” He smiled emptily. “So I really do need you to die.”
Kain’s jaw tightened, he looked for an escape from the corner. “So it’s ambition driving an assassin from the sticks.” He sneered, voice dripping with contempt. “And here I thought I was safe amongst others of my own class and those lucky enough to serve me, those lucky enough for my generosity. Seems even I have fallen victim to the greed of those less fortunate.”
“Interesting that even now you consider those things important.” Shadar regarded him coldly. “Even on your deathbed, you still scorn those lower than you.”
“You find insult in my words, I see.” He smirked. “But tell me, what else should I be considering important? Money, status, it’s far more important that anything else. WE are not equal, assassin. Whether you care to admit it or not, we inhabbit entirely different worlds, governed by different principles.”
“Ah, so you would think, but one of us is a far better man.” Shadar whispered, lazily pinning Kain to the wall.
Kain struggled to no avail, Shadar’s grip was too strong. “A better man?” He scoffed. ”You speak of morales and status, and all this as if it holds any significance in my world. Status, wealth. The only things that are important, regardless of the era. And I have both. What do you have?”
“You misunderstand. The better man would be my brother. It is true, neither of us present today are better men, but he, he truly was. See, my brother…” He glared at Kain, eyes red rimmed and bags under them. “Would never stoop so low as to do something like this. My brother was a kind soul, and deserved better.”
“What nonsense are you blabbing on about? Brother? Better men? Unhand me at once!” Kain glared.
“See, my brother was a better man. My brother would not have done…” His eyes took on a cold, insane light. “This.”
The blade sank into Kain’s stomach.
Kain gasped, blood dripping from the wound. Before he could scream, Shadar covered his mouth.
“It’s really a shame. He wouldn’t have done that. But he’s not here, is he? You know where he is.” Shadar said, eyes wide and filled with tears.
“I-don-don’t know what the he-hell you’re talking about!” Kain gasped through the pain.
“See, my brother, my dear twin brother, was your butler. But you ran him over in your fancy carriage last week, didn’t you? Let the horses trample him because he was on his day off and in the way, dressed in civilian clothes.” Shadar choked out, stabbing Kain again. “I took his place and you didn’t even notice, did you? Did you even bother to know his name?”
“M-my butler?” Kain managed, face paling and sweating. “Hi-him?”
“I can’t believe it either. I can’t believe he served a scumbag like you, who didn’t even bother to know his name.”
“How…How d-did I not..notice?” Kain mumbled, more to himself than to Shadar.
“Maybe cause he’s a peasant, huh?” Shadar laughed bitterly. “Maybe because he was a destitute soul. He had a name. His name was Kaze.”
“K-kaze…”
“KEEP HIS NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! He…he’s gone. He died. Because of you. You killed him. He’s dead, and it’s all your fault.” He took a shaky breath, hands shaking too.
His eyes met Kains’ one last time.
He raised the dagger.
“And now…you’ll join him.”
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey, there! Let's get into my review.
I think the concept of the butler secretly plotting an assassination is interesting. Even though this is a short story, you have given us some insight into the inner thoughts and motivations of both Kain and Shadar. Kain appears to be motivated by wealth and the comforts of a luxurious life, and he thinks people who have a lower social status than himself are worthless. Shadar's inner mind unravels a little more slowly, but by the end of this short story, his motivation is clear.
Because this is a short story, I understand that you want to keep things concise, but this story could benefit from the principle of "show, don't tell." I don't know how much longer you're willing for this piece to be, but it could improve significantly if you explored finding other ways to indicate the characters' thoughts and feelings rather than just having them state them outright.
Along the same line, I'd recommend thinking of how you could rework lines like "trying not to show any annoyance or emotion" in a way that displays Shadar's attempt at curbing his expressions rather than outright stating it. You already use several physical tells for feelings when you say that "he ground his teeth" or "he clenched his fists." I'd encourage you to keep thinking about ways you can use these types of things to show the things that happen under the surface. A reader who reads "he became very angry" doesn't get much of a sense of the emotionally charged atmosphere unless you hint at his anger beforehand. Otherwise, we're just like, "Oh, okay, we're angry now," and fall abruptly into a mood that never really built up.
I think one of the most significant ways you could polish this up with the show-don't-tell principle is having Shadar's confrontation be less direct and drawn-out. Between the time he first announced that he was going to kill Kain and the moment he actually stabs him, Kain could have reasonably gotten away if he had any smarts, strength, or weapons of his own that he could use to protect himself. I mean, even if he had not weapons, he could totally have grabbed a chair and knocked Shadar unconscious. I get that Kain didn't initially believe Shadar's threat, but still, I found his delay to defend himself a little unbelievable.
One other thing I'd like to suggest is making sure you clarify in each line break if a new person is speaking or being referred to. For instance, you'll have a line where Kain says or does something, and then on the next line it will be Shadar doing or saying something, but you just say "he" did or said whatever, and it just makes it a little muddy as to who's doing what.
It's not hard to gather a theme or a significant point to this story. Kain is an example of being blinded by greed and self-interest, and of being, in a way, the very thing he despises about others. Shadar has this interesting little plot twist, and I think it gives him a fairly good motivation. I think it's creative that this motivation comes from a recent event rather than the long-term resentment we might expect.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mutated S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Kain is a high-ranking noble who looks at those beneath him in disgust. But Shadar shows him that the peasants have knives, that they cannot keep quiet…especially in the event of a beloved relative’s death.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to say “Kain’s” for Kain’s eyes, but that’s just what I think.
Chocolate Bar - I love how it builds up to Shadar killing Kain, because then it leaves more of a sense of suspense. The reason for Shadar killing Kain makes sense, too. Kain is so wrapped up in who he is that he forgets that the people below him are still people-and that they can fight back.
Closing Graham Cracker - This was a nice short story of what happens when one doesn’t pay attention. I’m not sure if you’ll continue this. If you do, I’ll be sure to review. If not, then it was still fun to read this. Let this story be a lesson to never overlook anyone around you.
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^