>I twirl the single marigold in my hand,
"single" is superfluous there.
>now that the sun is making its way down the horizon rapidly.
"rapidly" on its own there sounds weak. i... can't explain it, it just is.
i'd just remove it entirely, or... write "down the horizon so rapidly" to make it fit more into the way a person would naturally think.
>No amount of tears, however, can soothe the pain in my heart.
aaaand we've descended into edgeland. the technical aspect of the writing here is fine, it's just... uuuuugh. too cliche.
>This single sun yellow flower, probably picked from its bush just this morning, brings back an enormous flood of memories. Of him, of me and of us. An entire lifetime packed into every single petal.
nice analogy
>and he did much, so much more than that.
think it should be "so, so much". or just "much, much". much is a weird word. it looks like it should be German. alright ramble over
>I get up, trembling, clutching onto my lifeline, the single marigold, and make my way out of the church. It’s dark and it’s cold out here, the icy wind cuts harshly across my face as it howls to echo my misery as I sink once more onto my knees in front of the doors. The marigold falls out of my grasp, I watch as the last of its petals close down, and slowly feel myself slipping away from consciousness, my own petals closing in the absence of my sun, most likely never to open properly again.
paragraph is fine as it is, but it could use some short sentences to add variation. too many commas, and connectives. see what i did there lmao
"single" can be replaced with a stronger word here, to emphasise the emotion of the scene you're writing. liiike... "little".
>My name is Marigold
alright
>Roisin
sure...?
>Kavanagh
what kind of fuckin' name is that?! sounds like it belongs to an orc from lord of the rings. i just searched it up and apparently it's a real Irish name, but geeeeez - replace it with one that fits a romantic story more, i beg of you.
unless it's your real name. then... um... ignore the advice.
>Marigold. You can probably guess. I’m spectacularly ginger.
nice
the second and third sentence can be fused into one, if you want that.
>I’d flunked the subject this year. It wasn’t even my fault; my teacher was a creep who spent most of his time discoursing on American politics
given the tone you've set for the character so far, i don't think she'd use "discoursing on". i'd bet not many people have even used "discoursing" in any sentence, verbal or written down. it's just a clunky word that has ready alternatives.
i suggest "talking about" or something similar.
>Sure, I’m into men and things, but most of them are just… Pigs. They’re sloppy; they can’t do anything on their own, and expect US to do everything while they just sit there and watch! And to top it off, they want us to act like they’re the best thing that happened to us.
she thinks boys suck and then mr. Perfect Boyfriend comes and she completely changes her mind, right? that's how every other novel like this goes.
>Our teacher was a Mrs. Stevenson, a tall, stately lady of about 45. I liked her. I could understand everything she told me, and she didn’t try to give me, or anyone, relationship advice. That’s a good enough teacher anywhere. The class however, wasn’t intent on paying attention to the rules of differentiation. Instead, they contented themselves by looking at their phones, or in one case, a netbook hidden under the table. Some just muted the teacher and chatted to each other. That was one thing about Mrs. Stevenson. She didn’t care if you listened or not, she just explained. Of course, she’d explain whatever question you asked her, but she wouldn’t beg you to listen.
you're not using "I" every other sentence in a first-person story. congrats, you're better than 95% of the people on this website. i proud in u, friendo.
establishing the character's attitude nicely here too, even if it's a little cliche. "look at me im better than everyone else cause i pay attention and i don't use my phone in class." you're a freakin' nerd, marigold. i mean, i am too, but you're still a nerd.
>Anyways, it seemed that they had a new one among their ranks. Awesome. More fun for everybody! He looked just like them, god. Chubby and tall, clad in a t-shirt that proclaimed the cake was a lie and black studded shorts. A snapback and Jordans completed the douchebag look. All the boys wore different colors of the same outfit. It was like a preset in a game.
IIIIT'S THE BOOOYFRIIIEND! probably.
didn't really take this review seriously because, well, there wasn't that much to fix.
well done m8 i r8 8/8
Points: 7
Reviews: 48
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