No. I had to gain control over myself.
Obviously, this was some sort of effed up game they were playing. They wanted to get me to swoon over this freaking miracle of nature and poke fun at me for it for the rest of my life.
Stupid, yes, but what else could be expected of them?
I frowned at the boy, and he quailed at the sight of me. Of course he didn’t like me, so I decided to tell him.
“If you really liked me, Alexander Darius Kane, you would freaking know not to show up here with that bunch of retards. You would know that they had been tormenting me all through this year. I know that this is another one of your stupid jokes. It doesn’t make much sense, yes, but then again none of you know what sense is.
With that, I slammed the window in his face just as he was about to speak. He tried to yell whatever he was saying across the window, but I put my amazing soundproof headphones on and went up into my bedroom.
I didn’t feel like crying or whatever. It was just that I didn’t understand what these people were trying to achieve with their jokes. What even did this have to do with the whole “ermahgerd Marigold is too ginger” thing?
Today was one of those days where I had no faith in humanity.
After 15 minutes, I lifted my headphones and edged downstairs. The yelling had subsided. Good. I went down the stairs and into the kitchen to make that feel good cake. It would have to have a lot of extra chocolate in it after all of this.
Two hours later, I belched the satisfied, but uncomfortable belch of a girl who just downed a huge chocolate cake. My stomach was threatening to explode. Between all of its menacing growls, I could barely feel the vibration of my cell under my butt. Ma was calling.
“Hello?” I said, burping amd trying not to puke up chocolate.
“Marigold! Hope you’re all dressed, we will be home with our doctor friends pretty soon. They are bringing their son, Lex, do you know him?”
I sat up with a bolt. Today WAS the 14th of June, their half day, and their day to have fun. For this fortnight’s fun, they had decided to bring over friends. Charming.
“N-no, Mom, I don’t know a Lex.” I stammered as I bolted up the stairs. “When will you get home?”
I put the phone on speaker as I rummaged through my wardrobe, looking for a pretty dress or something to wear.
“We’ll be home in about ten minutes, Mari. Do you want anything?”
“N-no mom, I’m fine” I said hurriedly as my stomach rumbled loudly once again. “See you then!”
The call ended.
I quickly chose a knee-length a-line emerald green dress that gathered under the bust with a silk belt which would hopefully hide my cake belly, then quickly slipped my feet into matching green flats, and coaxed my hair into a bun.
There we go.
I sat down and relaxed until the doorbell rang. Then I got up and walked to the door, and was about to open it until I saw the couch.
The pearly white couch had a huge chocolate smear on it. I must have upset the cake thingy when I got up.
Covering my mouth to shush up all the choice swear words that came to my mouth, I immediately ran to the couch and with a tremendous effort, heaved the huge cushion up and flipped it over.
The doorbell rang one more time, and a worried “Marigold?” could be heard.
I threw the pillows on the couch, stuffed the tray in the kitchen sink and after composing myself in front of the mirror for a second, opened the door.
“Sorry, was in the bathroom.” I said, and greeted the guests. “Hello.”
“Marigold, this is Mr. and Mrs. Kane, and their son, Lex.”
Mr. and Mrs. Kane shook my hand and greeted me politely. Something about Mr. Kane’s eyes and Mrs. Kane’s nose reminded me of someone, but I was too flustered to think of who it was.
“Hiya, Marigold.”
That voice. Lex Kane. ALEXANDER Kane. ALEXANDER DARIUS KANE!
I turned to face the voice.
And sure enough, Lex Kane, in an impeccable black shirt, tie, trousers and shoes, was staring back at me and smiling.
Tonight was going to be a long one.
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Canary word: Present
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Hello, Silver here! As with the other chapters, I'm reading this as I review so my personal thoughts will be at the end!
Well, obviously, you forgot the second pair of quotation marks but everyone makes that mistake so no big deal. What I wanted to talk about was that the sentence structure in this dialogue was really simple, I think it would've been more interesting if you had more complex, longer sentences. For example, the sentences are a little short and they have a sort of abrupt end. Even adding some more conjunctions could make it a little better.First off,
Okay so it could be that I read the first chapter too long ago, but I didn't realize until now that that was what they were bullying her for. I think you could imbed it in a bit more or make it more obvious.
When having lines like this my advice would be to hide it into a longer sentence. Also, I wouldn't start a sentence with "then".
Okay I'm done reading, and I really like how you ended this chapter. I love all of Marigold's sass and ways of dealing with problems (like the cake thing), she's a very relatable character. When it comes to plot and the like, I would recommend to have more story between the part where Mari meets Lex and when her mother asks about him, for I understood immediately what was going to happen (not that I didn't should "CALLED IT" in my head), and there would be more suspense. Overall, try not to add too much filler between the important parts and focus more on making the parts in between the big plot points more engaging, for I think it'd be cool to learn more about Marigold's character in the more calm parts. I'm really enjoying the story, and I like how you introduced Lex's character, and I will definitely read more. Keep writing!
Hello there!
Now then, before I get on with the actual review, I have one small suggestion. You may want to up the rating on this piece. Considering that movies can only drop one F-word before they're moved up to 17+ I'm not sure that 12+ is the right age rating. This is only chapter three, and you've used a number of curses.
Next, dialogue tags: If you follow up a piece of dialogue with "I said" or any variation of the phrase, you'll end the section in quotations with a comma, not a period (the exception is the use of question marks and exclamation marks). For example:
"Sorry, was in the bathroom." I said, should be this:
[/i]"Sorry, was in the bathroom," I said...[/i]
Conversely, if you put in end quotes and the following words are not a tag, you will end with a period and not a comma.
Finally, I did read parts of the other two chapters, and I think the first sentence of this chapter needs a bit of work. I understand it's meant to be read directly after chapter 2, and that's fine, but the line "No, that was not true," gives itself no context, and even read directly after "I melted right then," its meaning is still too ambiguous. Plus, without a 'because' connecting that first sentence to the rest of the paragraph, I couldn't tell if the rest of the sentences were actually related or not.
Instead, you may want to say something like, "Or I might have melted, if it hadn't been for the jerks backing up sweet-talker here." This is also the direct counter you're looking for, but it brings back the jerks without any doubt and reminds the reader why Marigold is countering her prior statement.
Before I finish, I applaud you for writing romantic comedy. It's a fun genre, but remarkably difficult to master, because it seems everyone thinks everything has been overdone. I look forward to seeing what direction you choose to take this.
Don't give up!
-Buggie
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
1. It sounds better if it's "a bunch of"
2. I don't really prefer the word because it can offend people, but I do have a suggestion that you could make up a curse word out of curse words and use that instead as I like doing that for stories. You don't have to change it though, your story.
The first line in this paragraph feels kind of awkward to me and you could change it to "just before he was about to speak", small change, I know.
I can't tell if I like or hate the character as they're vulgar and gross but it's also comedic in that way as they seem kind of like a jerk to people they don't like but also not best buddy nice with anyone as far as I can tell? They come off as really mean-spirited to me, but that isn't always a bad thing.
This story overall just struck me as kind of mundane with some humor, and that's alright. I might go ahead and read the other two chapters, but I don't know yet.
Have a great day!
Hiya Yams. Thanks a lot for the review
However I believe you have misunderstood Marigold. I would really be happy if you read my previous chapters as well, maybe you'd like this story better then
With thanks and love
Mona
Haha, yeah, that definitely happens when I don't read the other chapters >.>
will do sometime.