Just a poem that I wrote one day out of nowhere!
Everyday is a tragedy
You will never get the truth from me
Alone with all my sanity
You will never see all of me
I hide away beneath the sand
You will never feel the way I feel
One day I hope I will work this out
I should probably just retreat now
My face never shows who I am
The emotions that I have never felt
I wish I could run, get away from it all
But then I realize, nothing would change at all
My friends all say "You will be happy someday"
I am not happy now, what a waste I say
My only hope is to crawl into a shell
And hope one day I will come out, and all will be well
Because we need it now more then ever
An evolution to occur, to change us for the better
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Not a bad poem, it was a valiant effort, you gave it a good shot but the rhyming was all helter-skelter and ihhhhhh. It could do with a load of work. The idea behind the poem wasn't poor either, just how you conveyed it, it rhymed here, it rhymed there, but no consistency; fix that up and you'll have a solid work of writing there. Keep Writing!
Hi Derek,
First of all, I'm somewhat confused. Half or your poem has a rhyme scheme. The other half doesn't. You need to pick one, and go with it. Also, if you are going to go with a rhyme scheme you can't rhyme two of the same words, such as all with all.
Another thing about structure is that your lines are uneven. Especially if you choose to rhyme, there should be at least a rough meter of some sort.
As for the meat of the poem: This still seems a bit rough. I think it's mostly because of the aforementioned issues. If you work on the structure of the poem, then the actual concepts, which are very good, will shine through more. When writing a poem, the structure needs to be flawless or it will detract from the poem.
If you want to take this further, go over it and smooth the edges. Your concept is great, but you need to express is more eloquently.
Hope this helps!
sare