Fear

I hope you do not mind if I beg to defer.

It was mainly the first stanza which generated interest.

The speaker goes on and on about the topic which results in it becoming too preachy.Sentences of some of the stanzas seems more like a collection of thoughts rather than poetic sentences.An alternative of the poem could sound like a "how to beat fear" article .

Also just one stanza dedicated to the theme of the topic seems unjust.What was mainly disappointing was that the speaker talked as if overcoming fear was an overnight process and a simple cakewalk.

It is surprising as to have the concept of bravery is not used at all here.

However,you did talk about what gave fear its strength and how it multiplies.

Don't take this personally.

Hey there. Woah, this poem blew me away. I'm so glad to have joined a website with so many talented writers!

Demeter wrote:Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.

Demeter wrote:may it be our revenge for everything.

It's our own fault, though.

I understand the message behind this poem pretty well I think, I couldnt help but think it somewhat political, but this might just be me associating fear with hate and ignorance and those things with the Bush administration and the war. I think my school broke my sense of when to take things literally.

any way,
I liked the line "its our own fault though" which made me think of all this.

It was hell of a song. It was awesome. I could sing it in my head, it also teaches morals.
I not gonna write you the mistakes you did because every body else did it before me.

GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snoink basically said it. Overall, this had a great, though a big overdone, idea, which you seemed to handle pretty well. Maybe add a little more metaphores, a little more of this and that, cumin and cinnamon, and you've got a great poem. The problem is...

Structure

It was boring. Nothing more to it. The first stanza was engaging, yes: you certainly stopped it before it would have sped right out of control. The rest is dull and tedious. It's just that you repeat the same thing, over and over and over again, in the same sort of soporific tune, I almost wanted to sleep. Cut some of the lines up: chop them, kill them--they need to be much more active (<-- unlike this). Stanazafy it, I don't know. I want to breath air that stings me, as long as it's not air that bores me!

EXAMPLE OF BAD STRUCTURE IN STANZA:
Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything.

EXAMPLE OF BETTER, QUICKLY-DONE, THOUGH COULD BE A TINY BIT BETTER REVISION:
Fear: give it winds, courage? Leave it be
under the bed, to collect generation's dust?--
Our perfect revenge for everything.


Weird Awkward and Unnecessary phrasing

in the employment agency of emotions.
This personifications sucks. Period. Let's KILL it.

just a car missing its map reader
BOO. This is awkward rhythm. Breaks it off. KILL. CHANGE.

It itself fears that no one fears.
It in itself itself fears it that it might fear itself. Awkward? Yes. Could be revised? Of course yes.

Overall, I rather liked it. Though this critique might seem a little hard. I liked it, really did.

OMG i loved it!!!! It has emotion and meaning, something every good poem should have. and it spoke the truth loooooooved it!

XOXOXOXO
Emma

This was actually very good, but I'm not going to go over what I liked, because it seems like everyone else has already done that *pats on the back* nice job.

The fear is not frightening.

It itself fears that no one fears.

It's under the bed because it's frightened.

This part was awesome!

all the text flows together very well
good job on this one very well made

Something is knocking the window (very nice opening line throws you right into the fear)

- it's just a branch missing its tree.

Somewhere a light flashes

- it's just a car missing its map reader.

Something lurks under the bed, waiting

- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it.



The fear is overestimated

- it's nothing else than us.

Without us

the fear would lose its file

in the employment agency of emotions.



The fear is not frightening.

It itself fears that no one fears.

It's under the bed because it's frightened.



Do we need to give it wings or courage? (very effective line)

Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust; (nice line)

may it be our revenge for everything. (maybe a better word for revenge?)



It's our own fault, though.

I don't know if you are working on this poem still or whatever since it's a little old, but whatever!

The thing that struck me is that it's a really boring format in. I mean, you introduce something exciting... and then it's just something dull. And then you do it again... and again. And I don't know... the imagery isn't striking enough for me to say, "ZOMG, GIVE ME MORE!" Instead, it's more of, "Meh, let's get to the meat of the poem." But the meat of your poem is this preachy thing about fear... and I don't know. It's not very interesting.

What you're going to want to think about is to focus on one really strong image and describing it thoroughly. For example, you could describe the thing tapping on your window... Lord knows that something like that has happened to the best of us. Then you can describe the fear involved and the panic and then at the relief of finding out the fear was nothing. This would be better than telling us a lecture.

Good luck!

I like this line a lot! :


the fear would lose its file

in the employment agency of emotions.


it's very interesting and original. Not trite at all, as you may hear some english teachers say. lol.

It was good, overall. I wasn't really crazy about the employment agency of emotions thing. It felt out of place, and damaged the tone of the poem. The metaphor was silly, actually, which stood apart from the rest of the poem, which was quiet and serious, even a bit ominous.

The last line just didn't work for me. "Though" doesn't really work in this scenario. Try reworking it to make it stronger. Sort of like this:

Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything,
Even though we are to blame

Demeter wrote:Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting (Change to someone, flows much better)
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it.

The fear is overestimated
- it's nothing else than us.
Without us (Why? It's all well and good saying but show us why.)
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions. (This doesn't fit with the tone of the poem, metaphors should relate to the poem somehow.)

The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened. (Hmm, you could really go into essence of fear here, much better)

Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything. (Not strong enough, work on it.)

It's our own fault, though. (Needs more impact, not strong enough.)

Hey Demeter! Everyone has pretty much already said what I wanted to say... so just get ready for more praise.

Love your poetry. There's this certain style that you have that I can never imply into my poetry. So yes I just love your poetry. Whenever you post more PM me and I would love to read it. I didn't note anything wrong with this except the very last verse. It felt unneeded. Yes I got what it means and it make sense but I'm not sure why, it just really bugged me. But it might just be me.

Keep writing!!!!!!!

This was really cool. I liked your concepts a lot. The only thing I would do is make the wording slightly more poetic. I think that would really improve it.

Woah, thanks for your great reviews!

The fear is not frightening.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It's under the bed because it's frightened.

Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions.

I really liked this untill the second-last line. "

for revenge for everything.

I like this! It's a good concept and I like the personiphication of fear that you made from the begining to end. The first verse:

"Something is knocking the window
- it's just a branch missing its tree.
Somewhere a light flashes
- it's just a car missing its map reader.
Something lurks under the bed, waiting
- it's just fear missing someone who'd grasp it."

I really liked... it made me wonder what the rest of the poem was about. I think that with a bit of editing this poem could be something really special!

Awk shucks. I wrote a blooming awesome review and then my computer did something very funny. I wasn't laughing.

Ok, a few things here. Of course, firstly I'm going to tell you that I liked it. Because I did. It engaged me and I didn't run away before finishing it. However it didn't change my life. It's slightly mundane and I felt as if I'd read quite a lot of other pieces like it.

However, that in mind, I do admit some of your concepts were v.interesting, for example:

Without us
the fear would lose its file
in the employment agency of emotions.