Okay, so this is my entry to thunder_dude7's Summertime contest. It's a really short story about a teenage boy pondering on a camp (that's why the forest is mentioned). Inspired by true events. Enjoy and review!
***
"Shall we go with him?"
"Nah, he wants to have a peaceful moment alone."
I could spot a tinge of sneer in S's voice, but I didn't care. She had understood that I didn't want any company. She had seen through me. And still I was on my way to break her heart, to go and kiss another girl. Although I shouldn't have felt guilty. We weren't tied to each other. I wasn't tied to anyone, not even to E. We didn't even date, for heaven's sake! But still. Oh well. I might have had imagined the derision. S could be a bit of a show-off sometimes, but in a good way. Still I was walking away from her. What was the matter with me? Now I really felt like the player someone had once called me at school. "Make the girl jealous to make her want you more." Could I really be like that?
E was waiting me at the beach. That sly thing. I bet she did this only so she could boast about a kiss in the sunset. My steps became more and more ponderous. Why was I supposed to go there in the first place? That girl wasn't the one on the same wavelength with me, but S was. I knew they were secretly fighting over me, even though they were close friends. I knew they weren't the only ones. Usually I only enjoyed it, but now I was mainly disgusted. Too difficult.
I made an about-turn and started to walk determinedly toward S. Sometimes when we were with a larger group, we started to talk about our own things, about things that the others didn't know about or weren't clever enough to discuss. Only S and me. At that kind of moments – sure, I often felt a little uncomfortable for the other people, but also somehow proud. At those times it felt like she was mine.
Although I was standing next to E.
How could it be possible that S understood me so well and we could talk about everything, but still it was E I'd kissed? What did we have in common, anyway? She just kept flirting and flirting, but didn't really show any depth. How could I do that when S would've been so much better for me?
Sometimes also jealousy struck usually so understanding S. I knew it, but I always acted like I didn't. I noticed the coy way she eyed me then. She was very talented at that, no one else than me and her would know about her glancing game. But why did we act at school like we didn't even know each other? Why did we act in a completely different way now that we were in the forest? Of course, the pressure of people at school didn't exist here. But the pressure of S and E did. I couldn't get away from it anywhere, not even here amongst the bushy firtrees and the sun that made S's flaxen hair shine even more than usually... I bet her heart had broken when I didn't ask her to dance in that PE class back then. But I'd done that last year, and the one before that one, and I couldn't... let others notice. It would've been way too suspicious. I didn't hate anything like being predictable.
Why hadn't I seen in time that S was better than anyone else? Was it already too late?
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I know this was in july but ... well this didn't get that many reviews so... i'll give you what i have
Thoughts
The use of capitals is interesting choice! Felt like gossip girl with the whole S thing... heh heh
The emotions - i had a slight problem in that paragraph about breaking her heart. Surely if he was not tied to her he shouldn't have given a damn about breaking her heart - unless he has feelings for her. He's trying to be a player? Or not? This confused me. It was a little confusing though - give him a clear incentive to 'break her heart'.
When he is crossing the beach, is he imagining S not E? Because he says 'standing next to E' ...
You should develop the setting a little more. is the sand deep? Shallow? Hot? Cold? Pebbled or soft? What do the girls look like? How old are they all?
It was an overall good effort and sorry this doesn't help much - one tip: link sentences. It was very short and choppy, and while interesting, it did not flow. I would like to see more commas, semi colans or hyphens so it's easier to read.
Hey!
This was a very interesting piece, I loved how you portrayed something from a boy's perspective.
Okay, so this was a little confusing. What's with the 'S' and the 'E' thing goin on? Maybe you could just say the name and it would be much easier to follow.
DETAILS!!! I want to SEE things. Put in descriptive words and use strong adjectives to capture attention. I really liked how you brought in a moment from his past experience to know the character better, the whole thing with the dance in PE class could use more details though.
It would also be fantastic if you could put more detail into 'S' and 'E,' more than their physical attributes. What are their personalities?
You're last couple statements were slightly confusing as well. Why is 'S' better than 'E?' I don't know, perhaps you're getting too deep for the seemingly complicated mind of a guy
Make it simple and clear.
Good job! Keep writing
This was good...but sort of confusing. Which girl is he talking about??? Who is "she" and who is "her"?? That part was super hard to follow. But the storyline was decent.
Details are very important to the development of a story, and I feel that you could use WAY more than you are. You didn't really describe anything in this piece. Add some here and there and create a picture for all your readers to imagine.
Good Start!
I only have a few pieces of advise for you:
To Expand or not to Expand, that is the Question...
I say Expand! This was short and very direct but I still felt you were missing some crucial information. For example, the girls names or what the camp was called?? Stuff like that that pull the whole story together.
A Little Known Detail Never Hurt Nobody
So true!
Other than that, this was good!
Keep Writing!
Hey Dem!
I don't believe "calmful" is a word.
"moment"
This is very, very short, and it's okay to be short, but I think you need to stretch this out a little. I would suggest describing the camp a little - since this is for a summer contest, how is it summery? What does it look like in the summer? And what do the characters look like?
Also, because none of the characters have names, it somewhat confusing in the second half which girl you're talking about. I figured it out though, but perhaps you could clarify it somewhat by obviously setting the two apart, or giving them names.
And it's a strange place to end to. He's going to cheat on the bad girl with the girl that's good for him - so why is he pondering why he never chose her before? He's choosing her now. When he kisses the girl that's good for him, he's essentially giving up on the first one.
You need to add more to this piece, but it has great potential. I do like the storyling - I love how its from a cheating boy's persective.
PM me with questions - keep up the writing! C: