Whether it be driving the frightened soldier toward his almost certain death,
Whether it be intertwining the love of the couple swaying to it,
Whether it be calming the tortured soul who has lost their self,
Whether it be playing in the teenager's room while they contemplate the future,
It has existed from the beginning of time
Coursing through our body and driving us to the very extremes we fear
Or encasing the memories of our most beloved people in it
It's a natural thing to hear it in the whisper of the grass as the wind howls its own song
To listen for the breathing of the precious soul as they sleep soundly
Its Music
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138,191 Literary Works • 672,080 Reviews
Hey DeeBee,
Okay, so nitpicks aside, I quite like the concept of this and the way you’ve phrased it all in general. It’s a very nice way of putting across the idea of Music to readers, but there are a few things which I think could be done to improve it.
Very nice line by itself. ^_^
This line, however, strikes me as just a tiny little bit melodramatic. I think that in poetry, it’s definitely all too easy to sway that way – you’ve just got to try and avoid it. I like the idea of music “coursing through your body” but in what way does it drive you to extremes you fear? Either expand on this or change it for something else.
Aside from all that, one thing which strikes me as a problem reading this is that while its flow isn’t too erratic, it’s also not too strong and does seem interrupted in some places. I’m not going to go through every single point like this, simply suggest that you try reading this out loud. If anything in the flow strikes you as off, try shifting words around and finding better alternatives so that it flows as well as possible in the reader’s mind as well as in speech.
Now for the images this poem brought to me themselves – they work fairly well, but I felt that they could be stronger. I want these lines to be more original, and the imagery to be something new which is likely to stick in my mind, or at least something so strikingly familiar or well-put-across that I feel I’m actually there. It’s very well to say that “it plays in the teenager’s room while they contemplate their future” but when I was reading this I felt that I wanted stronger, more original and resonating images out of it. The first line, especially, seemed a bit pessimistic and not quite emotional enough to start with.
As for the wording itself, the repetition of “whether it be” was a bit much, but I guess there’s not much to do about that unless you’re ready to rework the entire poem in a new way.
Combined together these two lines don’t make so much sense – at least, the second one doesn’t. They just don’t quite fit. Even if you just replaced the “to” with “so” it would make a little more sense – try reading over it yourself and see. Another issue here, though: the first line of the two is quite long and it seems as if you’ve tried to cram too much into it, meaning that it doesn’t flow so well with the second. I’d just edit these and try to stop the first one from being so chunky, as well as blending them together to fit more nicely.
Major, major nitpick here, but this really should be: “It’s Music.”
I think that’s about all I have to say about this poem. To sum it up: a really nice foundation and idea here, but it could do with a lot of editing to make the flow nicer, the pulse of it more certain and the images stronger. Keep working on it. ^_^
~Niebla~
I think the words in this are wonderful, as is the concept. Going with the 'rules' of poetry, your grammar and spelling is excellent. However, what I'm about to say next is purely suggestions. As always with reviews, take what you want and throw the rest away
If this were my poem (although it isn't, bear with me here) I would change a couple things:
The 'whethers' are meant to be repetitive, I know, but they get a bit tiresome. Perhaps if there was only one 'whether' at the beginning, and you continue the same? Like so:
Whether it be
driving the frightened soldier toward his almost certain death,
intertwining the love of the couple swaying to it,
calming the tortured soul who has lost their self,
playing in the teenager's room while they contemplate the future,
Hmm... I don't know. Your choice.
Also, I really believe that some spacing would be nice for this. Instead of writing the whole phrase on one line, establish a rhythm.
It has existed
from the beginning of time
Coursing through our body
driving us to the very extremes
we fear
Or encasing the memories
of our most
beloved
Many different styles of poetry vary in their structure, but maybe you could ponder adding some more spaces?
Punctuation.
I'm not an expert, but you've been capitalizing the first letter of each line, whether it's necessary or not. I know, this is what we learned in school, but frankly, most English teachers aren't young writers
If your poem was a paragraph, would you put the punctuation in the same places? Commas, periods, ellipses all insert different types of pauses. Read it aloud if you need to, and figure out the effect you want.
Ah, sorry I'm not the best reviewer! If you need more advice, perhaps you could ask a friend on here, or request a review from the 'Will Review for Food'?
Hope I helped, even a tiny bit
Dai
Well, first I'd like to say welcome. I'm sort of new too but I still think that I maybe able to help you, if you need any. The people with green names are good with any help you need to go around.
The topic was nice, music. and so was your descriptions but sometimes I think you over describe. Poetry is usually word play on how effective you can be but certainly, it's your work, your call.
The whether it be sounds complex you could try reducing it to , whether it and use the present tense instead of the continuous. To MAKE THINGS SIMPLER.
Whether it be driving the frightened soldier toward his [color=#00BF80]almost certain This sounds repetative, decrease words heredeath,
Whether it be intertwiningspelling error the love of the couple swaying to it,
Whether it be calming the tortured soul who has lost their selfsoul was singular so himself or herself, written together,
Whether it be playing in thea sounds more appropriate here teenager's room while they contemplate the future,It has existed from the beginning of time
Coursing through our body and driving us to the very extremes we fearsounds redundant and doesn't fall in the flow hereOr encasing the memories of our most beloved people in italso redundant
It's a natural thing to hear it in the whisper of the grass as the wind howls its own song
To listen for the breathing of the precious soul as they sleep soundly
Its MusicThes lines were cool[/color]
The punctuation was good and grammar nearly flawless. Good luck. Hope my review helps.