Based in World War II

giantslenate09 - When Marcella is hearing about Robert's death, George says 'Mr. Robert Franks past away in the line of duty on the 8th day of August.' so he is a soldier in Germany. She was sitting at the same table with Wilmer and Francine, because Francine kicked her leg under the table. Thanks for the review!

ballerina13 - I will add more description of Marcella in this chapter. Thanks for the review!

I really enjoyed this. I thought that you developed your characters very well, emotionally, that is. I feel though that you could have given more description of you MC and the supporting characters. You left off at a very good point in the story. It made me want to read on. I eagerly wait for the second chapter. This has potential. Great job!

I wore a beautiful red satin dress, with the necklace Robert gave me. Robert is my sweetheart, he’s in Germany right now.
#400000 ">what was the necklace like? was matching with the dress? What is he doing in germany? whats his profession?
I was going start talking with Wilmer and Francine, but they were talking about personal bills to pay. So, I played with my golden hair and waited for the speaker to start speaking
#400000 ">I was going to head over and talk with Wilmer and Francine
I liked your last paragraph it was a really good ending

I just noticed that right now, I will change it. Thanks for the review!

Hey I loved this but I think that when the speaker gave the medal it was a bit corny. You should put something more official sounding than 'for an outstanding job'. This guy just risked his life in the army and all he gets is a crump of medal and a petty compliment? Well at least make the petty ompliment more military sounding. I sincerely really like this regardless. I'm going to read the next part right now!

I have posted the second part up! You can go here to read it: post645917.html#p645917

Thank you for the review! You're suggestions has helped me greatly; I'll work on the flaws and hopefully the story will improve.

#00BF00 ">Hello there! I'm Ben, love the story! Here's just a note of my thoughts and improvements...

DeadEndsAreOptional wrote:
Chapter One: Marcella Hanes

The orchestra played their enchanting melodies. #FF8000 ">Love the opening, you've set the scene simply and kept it mysterious - by this I mean we have to read on to find out more about where we are, which is good! Wilmer and Francine sat next to me at a table covered with a white cloth. We were there at the 5#FF8000 ">(five) star restaurant to watch Louis receive his medal of honor. Louis deployed back in the states just a month ago. I was proud of my friend for serving in Germany,#FF8000 ">Take out comma so this sentence reads better without getting killed. #FF8000 ">Brilliant and engaging start!
I wore a beautiful red satin dress, with the necklace Robert gave me. Robert is my sweetheart, #FF8000 ">this doesn't read right, try 'Robert is my sweetheart, but/yet he's in Germany right now.' The but or yet can make the sentence read better! he’s in Germany right now. I think he would of come to the ceremony if he could and he probably would of told Louis how proud he was. #FF8000 ">Like how you're tying in a background story, you're showing and not telling which is fabulous!
It was uncomfortable to be there, most of the men and women there were married or had a date. I had neither. I was going start talking with Wilmer and Francine, but they were talking about personal bills to pay. So, I played with my golden hair and waited for the speaker to start speaking. #FF8000 ">Perfect.
Within 5 minutes #FF8000 ">Get rid of the 5, so it becomes: 'Within minutes' - this reads better of me messing with my hair, a person on the kitchen staff came out with some appetizers. The appetizers were an uncooked fish, wrapped in seaweed and seasoned. I didn’t risk trying them. The orchestra started a new song, it sounded like Beethoven’s fifth symphony.
Francine kicked my leg under the table, her head moved to the right. The speaker was starting his speech. #FF8000 ">Lovely writing.
“As all of you know, we are all #FF8000 ">get rid of the all, otherwise it sounds repeated so say: "As all of you know, we are here tonight" - reads better here tonight to watch and encourage these young men who served.” the man said. “I’m here to give the awards that #FF8000 ">do you mean 'to' and not 'that'? all these men deserve. And the first medal goes to a Louis Matthews, who did an outstanding job!” Everyone clapped as Louis got up from his seat at our table and walked to the stage. The speaker pinned a medal to Louis’ uniform. I smiled and clapped, Louis looked so happy. As the speaker started talking again, Louis went to the left of the stage and stayed standing. He was smiling. #FF8000 ">Love it!
Someone tapped me gently on my shoulder, I looked behind me expecting Robert standing there. Trying to surprise me. But it wasn’t, it was a different man in a uniform.
“Miss Marcella Hanes?” he whispered, I nodded. It was odd hearing my real name. “May I have a word with you?” I nodded again. #FF8000 ">Good, you've made the dialogue work very well, it seems natural and not wooden, which is excellent Everyone laughed, the main speaker had said a joke. “Follow me.” the man who tapped my shoulder said. I got up from my seat and followed the man to the doorway of the main room at the restaurant. #FF8000 ">This is good. You're keeping the atmosphere and tension going at the same time - fab. He took a few steps out of the doorway, “I’m afraid I have some bad news.” Oh no… “This was his dying wish… well one…” Go on, please… “Mr. Robert Franks #FF8000 ">(Love the name 'Franks'!) past #FF8000 ">in this context, isn't it 'passed'? away in the line of duty on the 8th day of August.” Today is the 20th of August. “He wanted me to tell you in person.” My lips trembled, I fought back tears. “I’m George, Robert’s friend … he wanted you to have this. He was going to give it to you when he came back, but…” He handed me a case, I opened it slowly. My fingers shook when I saw what was in the box. I covered my mouth with surprise, I looked at the shining diamond engagement ring. A stray tear fell down my cheek, then all my tears came rolling down. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” George whispered. #FF8000 ">Flawless emotion and character, very well done.
All I remember next was seeing the ground coming alarmingly close to my face, Francine gasping, people running toward me, large hands grabbed my arm flipping me over, and then there was no one at all. Only darkness and the sound of music slowly fading away.#FF8000 ">What a way to end the great piece you've written, brilliant!

I was proud of my friend for serving in Germany, without getting killed.

It was uncomfortable to be there, most of the men and women there were married or had a date.

Robert is my sweetheart, he’s in Germany right now.

Within 5 minutes of me messing with my hair

and then there was no one at all. Only darkness and the sound of music slowly fading away.

This is a great way to start a book, and I think it could end up great when it's finished.
One thing though, it's the Medal of Honour, not metal. You kept confusing them.

Great start! I love the character names. The first line is terrific! (I would change 'their' to 'its' just because grammar stuff.) I like the simple sentences. By removing some of the 'me's and 'my's, it would be easier to read on, give more of a push for the reader.

Robert is my boyfriend, he’s in Germany right now.