Young Writers Society

Awwww, this is so sad. I think I might just go and cry.

But here is my mega short review *wipes away a tear*:

But it is real.

Try it WAS real, because you had been talking in past tense then you go to present. Was this your intention.

This story was so sad but I loved it anyway. PM me if you have any questions!

Ciao,
Kally

I will be sure to change the past/present tense mix-ups. Thanks for the review!

Hello again!

I have to say you're prologue was fantastic, so it'll be interesting read! Right, here are some of my thoughts...

I think nearer the beginning you're going to put off your readers because of the lack of varied sentence structure. There's too many short sentences, for example:

Robert couldn’t be dead! He wouldn’t get himself killed, he is too smart. He is too good of a soldier to die. It can’t be real … I won’t let it be real.

But it is real.

I can’t change what has happened. No one can. Robert is dead … dead. I can wish him back as many times I want but their only pointless, useless, childish wishes.

Apart from this, the plot development has stayed strong. I like this and really enjoy the read. Unfortunately I was dissapointed on the length of it for a first chapter and I think you'll need to elaborate certain parts of the story or add more plot. I've got to say though the way you've ended the story as:

It's my fault.

is BEAUTIFUL.


Saying this, Overall, it's another success! So well done, just try and pick up on these little errors with thorough revision and re-reads of your work. There's a lot less grammar issues this time and like the other reviewer mentioned you'll have to do a bit of touch and go revision of your tense mix-ups, but it's easily sorted.

Fab writing!
Keep it up.
Ben.

I once again adored this! I love the scandal, she had asked him to join the army and he died. I hope that this will not be your title however. Great writing and if you can PM me with the next part!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

jasminebells: No, it's not the final title of the story. If you have suggestions for the name that would be great!

BenFranks: Thank you for noticing the mistakes, I wouldn't of noticed them at all. I will be sure to fix them. This is only an excerpt of Chapter One, I'm not quite sure if I'm going to post the next part of Chapter One.

Awww! Why?!! Please! You can't leave us hanging like this! Maybe...umm I don't know where the plot is going for this but maybe Je dois blâmer for this chapter. It means "I am to blame" in french. And maybe Tandis que l'orchestre jouait for the first chapter, that means While or As the orchestra played (sorry with the french, I just had my french midterm exam ) I don't know much of the story yet so I can't really help. BUT if you post more of the story I can help out more!

I might post more, it's not final what I will do yet. I like the french title chapters, that's a good idea.

It's going to be in alternative perspectives, it'll go between Marcella and a soldier named Phineas. The plot so far is her trying to deal with Robert's death and a couple months later she'll meet Phineas.

This is so sad! I want to cry! Okay... well here goes.
MC
Your main character is coming on splendidly. I feel as if I know here. It is interesting how you create her personality. Great job there. I feel that maybe you could go back to before Robert to the war to give your readers an insight to how life was before than. Maybe?
Overall
I really enjoy this piece. I can't wait for the next chapter. It is emotionally captivating. I really like the plot. It keeps readers on the edge of there seat. Great job!:D

Thank you for the review! I'm really glad that Marcella is becoming such an interesting character, I have fun writing in her view. I'm actually adding some of her memories of Robert in between chapters, I'm hoping that the story will get better with those added moments. Once again, thanks for the review!