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The Wonder Twins Chapter Three: The Den

by Danni88


"How-"

"What the-" 

"Did he just-" 

We stared at each other in shock. 

"Damn," Hel snapped. "I didn't realise we were dealing with wizards. This just got a whole lot more complicated." 

"What do we do now?" I asked. 

"We find him." The look on Hel's face was murderous. "I'm sure Aisha can sort something out. Come on, let's go."

Two hours later....

"Got it!" Aisha hung up the phone. "I told Abby I wanted Milo to help with my science homework. She said at this time they're always at their den in the woods. It's an old shed." 

"Yes!" Hel punched the air. "Thanks, Aisha. Let's go." 

"Hold on!" I held up my hands. "We can't just run in there. He'll disappear again. We need a plan."

"I have an idea," said Heimdall. "But it's risky." 

Hel turned to him. "I love risky. Spill the beans."

"Well..." Heimdall opened one of his cupboards and pulled out a small, white globe with a button on the top. "I invented this  accidentally weeks ago, when I was trying to make an automatic lock-picker. Press that button and all magic in an area of 48 metres will be blocked and unusable for fifteen minutes."

"Why 48?" I wondered. 

"It was supposed to be 50," Heimdall said, "but I didn't have enough birosome circuits." 

"What's the problem?" Hel reached for the globe, but Heimdall snatched it back. "Wait! It will also block your magic. And the Bifrost won't be able to access that area, either. You'll be defenceless." 

"Ah." Hel considered it, then shrugged. "We should be fine. If they try anything, I can karate chop them." 

"You couldn't karate chop your way out of a paper bag," I pointed out. 

"Shut up, bro." Hel took the globe. "Beam us down, Scotty." 

Heimdall gave her a look. "Call me Scotty again and I will beam you straight into Niflheim and leave you there."

____________________________________________________________________

The shed didn't look like a secret HQ for wizards. It was old and dilapidated, with cracked windows and peeling wooden walls. 

The door swung open, and we ducked behind a bush. 

Milo and Jason stepped out, talking about the World Cup. 

"Spain got thrashed!" Milo was saying. "I'm still in shock." 

"I know. They're one of the best." 

The two boys walked off, still chatting. Hel made as if to go after them, but I grabbed her arm. 

“Wait! Why don’t we search their shed first? We might find something.”

“I thought the plan was to confront them?” 

“It was, but we can do that after. We might not get as big an opportunity as this again.”

“I guess you’re right. OK.” Hel grimly smiled, and pressed the button on the globe.

I didn't feel anything, but when I tried to summon fire, there was nothing. It was creepy. 

Hel made a face. "Ugh. Let's make the most of this." 

We walked towards the shed and went inside. It was no less impressive inside than outside. 

A towering bookshelf heaving with old novels dominated one wall. In the middle of the room there were two old red armchairs on opposite ends of a mahogany table. There was what looked like a miniature lab on one wall and several cupboards on the other. There was a book lying on the table. 

Hel picked it up and opened it to the first page. She read out: "Advanced spells by Amora Bond. Somebody's handwritten in, Property of Carol Griffiths. Hands off. Aaron - THIS MEANS YOU." She frowned. "I know that name." 

"Which?" I pointed out. 

"Carol Griffiths." Her eyes lit up.  "Of course! She was-" 

There was a creak, and the door opened. The two boys were standing in the doorway, staring at us in horror.


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Sun Aug 26, 2018 6:12 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again!

Specifics

1.

Two hours later....
This kind of time skip isn't necessary as it wouldn't take much to describe them travelling back etc. It would feel a lot more natural.

2. I thought they were going to confront the two boys and that was why they used the marriage to prevent them escaping? It seems odd that they're wasting time sneaking into the shed instead - that's something they can check out either before they trigger the magic or after they've dealt with the wizards.

3. Ah so the boys were heading toward the shed when they saw them earlier? It still seems weird that the twins decided to go there first rather than just confronting them outside when they saw them?

Overall

The description of the shed is nice but I think they could end up inside in a more natural way. At the moment it feels a little hard to follow what their aims/ motives are - if they're trying to corner the boys, they should do it as soon as they see them. Instead they enter the shed first and it's not clear why - are they looking for something or are they just going their to wait for the boys? If the latter, do they wait behind the door so they can shut it as soon as they come in and stop them from leaving?

Everything else makes sense. It's a bit too short to really know where you're going with this but I like Heimdell's failed science experiments - they add a good bit of fun to the piece and some nice characterization. I think we need to see more of Hel and Loki's talents/ personality traits as they're quite interchangeable at the moment.

See you again soon!

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Thanks! This really helps! I will correct the bit about them going into the shed.



Danni88 says...


Done it!



Rydia says...


That works! :D



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Fri Jul 27, 2018 8:12 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there,
I noticed this sitting at the back of the green room looking lost and forgotten so I’ve come to give it a quick review!

Starting with some quick points:

"How-"
"What the-"
"Did he just-"


I actually disagree with Killeham here, because I imagine this would lead off quite nicely from the previous chapter so that the reader is already aware of who is in the scene and doesn’t need to attribute each voice to separate characters. That being said, I haven’t actually read the previous chapter so make sure that it is clear from there :)

"Damn," Hel snapped. "I didn't realise we were dealing with wizards. This just got a whole lot more complicated."


Admittedly I don’t know Hel’s character, but for me his dialogue doesn’t fit with ‘snapped’. Maybe you could play around with different words?

Two hours later....


This is a personal thing, but I’m not especially fond of using things like this to convey time passing. Just something like *** seems just as effective and less obvious. That’s up to you of course, just a preference! Also, the section before this is so short, perhaps it would make sense to put at the previous chapter? That way you wouldn’t even need the break here.

"Got it!" Aisha hung up the phone. "I told Abby I wanted Milo to help with my science homework. She said at this time they're always at their den in the woods. It's an old shed."
"Yes!" Hel punched the air. "Thanks, Aisha. Let's go."


This seems like quite a strong reaction to what seems to be very little work on Aisha’s part. Again, maybe just something to play with?

"What's the problem?" Hel reached for the globe, but Heimdall snatched it back.


Need a new section for each new character speaking.

"Wait! It will also block your magic. And the Bifrost won't be able to access that area, either. You'll be defenceless."


____________________________________________________________________
Milo and Jason stepped out, talking about the World Cup.
"Spain got thrashed!" Milo was saying. "I'm still in shock."
"I know. They're one of the best."
The two boys walked off, still chatting.


This doesn’t seem to add anything to the chapter. Also, I find it can be dangerous to mention events that are too topical. That means that in a year (or five) it can seem outdated. Best to have them overhear something that can’t be pinned down to a specific point in time.

I think I like the premise of this overall, but you seem to be trying to get through it too quickly, as though there’s a part that you can’t wait to get to. I understand that but try to give some time over to description and try to slow the pace down a little. Fast pace can be really good for being dramatic, but when you use it all the time it negates the entire purpose. Try to develop things a little further. If you have another go at this and want me to have another look I’d be more than happy!

Hope this all makes sense, feel free to let me know if you have any comments/ questions.
Happy Friday,

Icy




Danni88 says...


Thanks! :)



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Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:40 am
fraey wrote a review...



Hey there!

Every work deserves a review, so I figured I'd give you one on this chapter of yours :)

First off, I'm a little confused by how many characters are in each scene, and who's saying what. With the opening lines of

How-"
"What the-"
"Did he just-"
I'm guessing something happened at the end of the previous chapter, and those are fine reactions. However, I'm trying to tell between the characters, and that's not working out well. I'd recommend putting in dialogue tags or changing how this opening conversation is presented.

Another scene I'd like to discuss is the conversation of
"What's the problem?" Hel reached for the globe, but Heimdall snatched it back. "Wait! It will also block your magic. And the Bifrost won't be able to access that area, either. You'll be defenceless."
For starters, I'm not sure who says "What's the problem?" which confuses me, and I'm not sure why that's being asked right here. If Heimdall was described as rubbing his forehead or being unable to hide a wince, then that makes sense, but as of right now, the reader has very little description of the characters themselves and their actions.

Also, if Hel's the one that asked that question, that should be in its own paragraph. I think it would read better as something like "Hel asked and reached for the globe. Heimdall snatched it back before she could grab it" and then continue with what Heimdall said.

Two other things I want to go over are scene changes, and dialogue vs description. For scene changes, there are three different scenes in a fairly short chapter, which, wow and woah at the same time. I think the "Two hours later" more breaks the flow of this chapter then adds to it, because I'm even more confused as to where the characters are and what they've been doing for the last couple of hours. I suggest to either add more to each scene or to maybe allow for time passing in one overall portion, such as showing them organizing a way to get to the Wizards' location and then asking Aisha for help. After that, you could show Aisha's phone call, or at least where she went since she doesn't say anything more in that entire scene!

Finally, this chapter is filled with dialogue, which I think, also, works against the flow of the story. I keep wondering where they are and how they get to places and how the time has passed, while the characters are simply talking. The reader isn't given too much information on where the second scene happens, only that Hemidall opens one of his cupboards. I'd love for a little more detail on how they're transported, and the things already mentioned.

Good luck with the rest of this story,mane I hope this helped!




Danni88 says...


Thank you! It helps a lot



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Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:37 am
Danni88 says...



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