Hi there Danni88! I haven't seen a first chapter in the Green Room for awhile and since this is sitting in the very back, why not drop in for a review, yes? Let's begin.
Some people’s twin sister go to boarding school. Some people’s twin sister travel to another world to rule over the spirits of the dead. Welcome to my world.
My name’s Loki. I’m fourteen years old and I’m the god of mischief. We’d had some peace and quiet for six months while Hel was off playing cards with skeletons or whatever goddesses of death do, but all that was about to change.
My brother Heimdall and I were feeding Fenrir, my wolfhound puppy, when the door to my room flew open with a bang. I knew it was her even before I looked up.
Let's start off with this whole introduction. In the first and second sentences, the quotation mark in the word peoples' needs to come after the 's', though that's a minor grammar issue. Onto what I mainly wanted to discuss--the second paragraph. To be more specific, I'm not a fan of how this novel starts. The opening where the main character states their name and age is as bland as openings come.
There are millions of other ways to introduce the main character and give the information that this Loki's the Loki from Norse mythology and that this is important to the story. Why choose an opening that cliche and over-done? There's no need to give the information in such a straight-forward and info-dumpy way--fix that. In fact, this doesn't exclude the rest of the opening scene, either. Why does everyone suddenly appear at once? We already have Loki, Heimdall, and Fenrir in the first scene, why not take that time to set up the atmosphere a little bit? If not that then at least flesh out Hel before having Thor barge in looking for his hammer.
By the way, how can he lose his hammer? Can't he make his hammer come to him, or is he not able to do so currently? I do however enjoy the concept of Loki and his other siblings picking on Thor and seeing Loki as the protagonist as usually it's somebody else from Norse mythology if there is a novel written based on that topic. There are grammar errors spread throughout this chapter which is why I suggest finding a grammar checker that'll pick up on those mistakes and working on proofreading your writing--I can say I understood the story well enough, though.
Overall, I hope that this is fleshed out because the pacing is a little fast and there's not a lot of description or inner thoughts of our main character. I can easily see the contents of this chapter stretching 2k if not more as there's a lot that goes on. The structure makes sense, though fleshing this out is definitely my biggest critique to give here. This is fun, but there's no need to rush through all of this. I like the dynamics between the characters particularly in this chapter--keep that up.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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