z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Wonder Twins Chapter One: What the Hel?

by Danni88


Some people’s twin sister go to boarding school. Some people’s twin sister travel to another world to rule over the spirits of the dead. Welcome to my world. 

My name’s Loki. I’m fourteen years old and I’m the god of mischief. We’d had some peace and quiet for six months while Hel was off playing cards with skeletons or whatever goddesses of death do, but all that was about to change. 

My brother Heimdall and I were feeding Fenrir, my wolfhound puppy, when the door to my room flew open with a bang. I knew it was her even before I looked up. 

She was standing in the doorway wearing exactly the same clothes as when she left- straw hat, black T-shirt with gold skull, black jeans, purple trainers, mischievous smile. Mirza, her talking albino peacock, waved a wing at me. Behind her a skeleton lurked, carrying a suitcase. 

“You were supposed to be here yesterday,” I teased her. “I thought you said you were always on time.” 

Hel gestured for the skeleton to put the case down on her bed. “There was a crisis. I’ll tell you about it later.” 

Heimdall grinned at her. “If Mum sees that thing, you’re dead.” 

“I can handle Mum.” Hel waved her hand and the skeleton dissolved into the ground. “Anything interesting been happening while I’ve been gone, or have you all just been sitting around bored?” 

“You missed Freya and Frey’s birthday,” I said. “They got your presents, though.”

“Did they like them?”

I nodded and was about to say something else when the door creaked open and Thor came into the room.  “Hi, Hel. Has anyone seen my hammer?” 

“I didn’t take it this time,” I promised. “Go and ask Idunn. She should know.” 

Heimdall leaned over and whispered in my ear, “It’s in the Great Hall, don’t tell him,” 

Hel noticed and winked at me. 

Thor looked suspicious. “If I find out it was you, I’ll pour marmite over your breakfast tomorrow.”

"And I'll show the girls that video of you in the great hall singing Let it Go from Frozen." Mirza flapped up onto the wardrobe where Thor couldn't get him. 

He looked speechless. "You - you-" He walked out and slammed the door. 

"Clever boy, Mirza!" Hel grinned at him. "Did you really record that? You'll be putting me and Loki out of a job!" 

Mirza nodded. "It took me a while to work out how to use the camera, but it is there. I did it just before we left." 

I laughed and started to say something, but was cut off by the door opening again. Thor poked his head round. "I just remembered what I came to tell you. Dad gave me a message for you." 

"What did he say?" I asked. 

"His exact words were 'Tell the Wonder Twins to come down to the great hall pronto and leave the blasted zoo.'" Thor smiled triumphantly and went out. 

When Dad summoned us, we were usually in trouble. This didn't look good. I exchanged a glance with Hel. She shrugged. "Come on. Let's go and face the music." 

"I'll stay here," said Heimdall immediately. "I have no desire to be turned into an ant or whatever Dad has in mind for you guys. Nice knowing you." 

Hel stuck her tongue out at him and stalked out. I followed her. 

We were silent during the long walk to the great hall. It had been so long since I'd seen my sister. Was she still the same mischievous, caring girl who had left? Just as I had made up my mind to speak, we arrived at the great hall. 

"This is it," Hel smiled and shoved open the doors. 

The great hall was massive, covered in depictions of old battles and suchlike. At the far end was Hlidskjalf: Odin's throne, currently occupied by Dad himself. 

"That was quick," he said, regarding us with a face like stone. "Come here." 

Exchanging glances, we shuffled along the hall until we were at the foot of the throne. "Whatever it is, I didn't do it," Hel promised, holding up her hands. 

Dad regarded her with his one eye. "I know you didn't do anything. But I am interested in hearing about this crisis Jack mentioned." 

Hel growled. "I told him to let me tell you. Idiot skeleton." 

"What happened?" I have to admit, I panicked. 

Hel wouldn't meet my eyes. "The day I was supposed to leave, two boys broke into Helheim. WE don't know how. I guess they wanted to see a dead person they knew or something. They didn't do any harm. But if two mortals can get in, that means anyone who puts their mind to it can." 

"What happened to them?" Dad asked.

"They escaped before we could catch them." Hel looked up at him with pleading eyes. "It wasn't my fault, Dad. Security is Reyna's department. I was kinda hoping I could hold an investigation from here. Get Loki and Heimdall to help me." 

"I'm not blaming you." Dad sighed. "Go ahead with your investigation. I'll speak to Reyna myself." 

Hel beamed. "Thank you!" She turned and ran for the door. 

"Hel," Dad called after her. 

She turned, puzzled. "Yes?" 

"If you can't solve this case, I will have no choice but to hand the ruling of Helheim over to Jack." 

My twin's face was a mask of horror.

-Before you say anything, I know in the myths Hel is Loki’s daughter. Fenrir is also not a lovable wolfhound. For my version of the story I pretty much changed round most of the relationships. Just to let you know. - 


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Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:47 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Danni88! I haven't seen a first chapter in the Green Room for awhile and since this is sitting in the very back, why not drop in for a review, yes? Let's begin.

Some people’s twin sister go to boarding school. Some people’s twin sister travel to another world to rule over the spirits of the dead. Welcome to my world.

My name’s Loki. I’m fourteen years old and I’m the god of mischief. We’d had some peace and quiet for six months while Hel was off playing cards with skeletons or whatever goddesses of death do, but all that was about to change.

My brother Heimdall and I were feeding Fenrir, my wolfhound puppy, when the door to my room flew open with a bang. I knew it was her even before I looked up.


Let's start off with this whole introduction. In the first and second sentences, the quotation mark in the word peoples' needs to come after the 's', though that's a minor grammar issue. Onto what I mainly wanted to discuss--the second paragraph. To be more specific, I'm not a fan of how this novel starts. The opening where the main character states their name and age is as bland as openings come.

There are millions of other ways to introduce the main character and give the information that this Loki's the Loki from Norse mythology and that this is important to the story. Why choose an opening that cliche and over-done? There's no need to give the information in such a straight-forward and info-dumpy way--fix that. In fact, this doesn't exclude the rest of the opening scene, either. Why does everyone suddenly appear at once? We already have Loki, Heimdall, and Fenrir in the first scene, why not take that time to set up the atmosphere a little bit? If not that then at least flesh out Hel before having Thor barge in looking for his hammer.

By the way, how can he lose his hammer? Can't he make his hammer come to him, or is he not able to do so currently? I do however enjoy the concept of Loki and his other siblings picking on Thor and seeing Loki as the protagonist as usually it's somebody else from Norse mythology if there is a novel written based on that topic. There are grammar errors spread throughout this chapter which is why I suggest finding a grammar checker that'll pick up on those mistakes and working on proofreading your writing--I can say I understood the story well enough, though.

Overall, I hope that this is fleshed out because the pacing is a little fast and there's not a lot of description or inner thoughts of our main character. I can easily see the contents of this chapter stretching 2k if not more as there's a lot that goes on. The structure makes sense, though fleshing this out is definitely my biggest critique to give here. This is fun, but there's no need to rush through all of this. I like the dynamics between the characters particularly in this chapter--keep that up.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.




Danni88 says...


Thanks for the review! Really helps. I couldn%u2019t see any grammar errors?



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Sun Jan 28, 2018 4:45 am
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LittleLee says...



I love this Danni! I'm so happy you've used Loki!




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Thu Jan 25, 2018 4:16 pm
DancingStars says...



I love it. I love anything about Norse mythology. Even if you did change it up a little.




zaminami says...


yesssss my dudeeeee ily



Danni88 says...


:D



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:29 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Okay so actually I'm a sucker for stories about twins so it's going to be this one first!

Specifics

1. The plural of sisters suggests that Loki has two twin sisters, as in he isn't the twin himself - is that correct? Otherwise it should be twin sister.

2. There's a lot of dialogue and it's fun and punchy but it's moving too quickly. We don't get any description of the room they're in and the characters aren't painted very clearly. We have a pretty good idea of what Hel looks like but know very little about the others; whether the family genes are obvious or if they're very different. Slow it down a little and give us a chance to get familiar with the setting and the characters before moving on to the next scene.

3.

We were silent during the long walk to the great hall. It had been so long since I'd seen my sister. Was she still the same mischievous, caring girl who had left? Just as I had made up my mind to speak, we arrived at the great hall.
I want to see more of Loki's thoughts here - is he happy with who she seems to be so far or is he uncertain because something seems different to him? We don't know what she was like before so we really need to hear more of his thoughts to understand if he has good cause to be concerned. Also if Hel has been away so long, I'd love to see her getting to know her surroundings again. I've never been gone from my parent's house more than 6 months to a year but every time I visit, something is just a little bit different and I can't help asking about it or noticing it. Has much changed since Hel was gone? Is she glad to be back and sentimental about the place or wondering if she still fits in? The characters aren't acting much like she's been away so far - it's like she's fitting back in a bit too quickly so maybe slow that down a bit.

4. Jack is a pretty mundane name compares to the rest. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it feels very out of place at the moment so I hope there will be a reason for that later! I realise the others are from mythology but where does Jack come into it? Is he a mortal? If so, why would he be given the underworld?

Overall

This seems like a fun mix up but I'd love to see more description and scene setting! They're in some kind of castle or palace and I'm just not feeling that sense of grandeur yet and the kids don't really give me the impression that they're actually afraid of their dad. And I kind of feel like they should be. I mean, Thor is known for his anger issues and for being a very powerful guy so I feel like there should be at least a bit more quaking and not just the 'I don't want to get told off' kind but the actual real 'I might be turned into something nasty or sent to live with the mortals' kind.

It's too early to say much more about this yet but I hope that gives you a few ideas/ thoughts to be working with!

All the best,

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Hi Heather! Thanks so much for the review!
Argh I see the sisters thing now. Will fix.
Jack is a sword from a book series about Norse mythology I love.



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:19 pm
zaminami says...



lemme guess those boys were hearth and blitz




Danni88 says...


I sooooooooooo wanted to but I thought of an even better opportunity to put them in later



zaminami says...


oMYGODNESS



zaminami says...


and I just noticed the jack part -.- jack ruling over helheim would be... hel.



Danni88 says...


IKR Jack helps Hel out but him ruling would be chaos



zaminami says...


XD ikr everything would be filled with Selena Gomez



Danni88 says...


Oh gods nooooo



zaminami says...


that's true hel



Danni88 says...


I should stick Magnus and Alex in as well at some point



zaminami says...


NU Jefferchase



Danni88 says...


?



zaminami says...


jefferchase is supreme



Danni88 says...


Oh TJ! I was wondering who the jeffer part was



zaminami says...


XD it is supreme



Danni88 says...


I'll see if I can sneak it in :)



zaminami says...


yaya



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Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:18 pm
Danni88 says...



@DemonGoddess @Rydia [ @LittleLee ] @whatchamacallit @MJTucker @KatieC
Please be honest and don't worry about being harsh! This was a bit rushed so...




Hijinks says...


Looks good! As soon as I have time I'll review it :)




I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
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