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by Dani965


(Every 4 lines is a new stanza)

---

Hot steaming tea

and a book in her hand,

a silent plea

to take her to a new land.

Lost in the pages,

a tear rolling down her cheek,

set free of her cages 

on a winter's day bleak.

Black and white ink, 

Catching her breath.

Her stomach sinks 

at the character's death.

A new world's end,

the last page turned.

Her heart on the mend

as she quietly yearned.


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Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:27 pm
TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Heya Dani! Cat here to review your poem! I'll start by going stanza-by-stanza(every 4 lines according to your note), so let's get going!

I really like the first stanza already; I can really relate as a book lover myself. There is already a few good descriptions here, but I would love more sensory details and descriptions. Just a little bit of a push to take it to a whole new level. c:

Second stanza is also very pretty, but I'm a bit confused on what 'set free of her cages' means? Cages of responsibility? The real world? It's a wide answer response open ended question. I relate to the 'lost in the pages' part so much though! I do wish there was just a little more expansion to this stanza.

Third stanza is very very nice. I still wish there was a little bit more to this again.

Final stanza does a pretty good job of wrapping up the poem. It kinda makes it feel rushed though? Like she's finishing the book but just a minute ago she was starting it.

Overall, it is a pretty poem with a nice rhyme throughout. Through the whole thing, I felt like I wanted more? I would love some more elaborate descriptions and details. Line breaks are nice to read and visually pleasing too.

Overall, I really enjoyed this! It was a very nice poem with a lot of potential. I would love to read more poems like this!

Keep writing! =^-^=
~Cat




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Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:36 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Dani965 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review!

First, it seems like you were having trouble with the formatting which is why you had to tell us every fourth line is a new stanza. It's a known bug with the literary section, and unfortunately there's no easy fix. There are, however, some workarounds: How to Format Poetry most are described here. I use a slightly different version of the HTML method using just <br> tags, described here: Formatting poetry #3 .

Okay now that that's out of the way, on to the review! Overall, I really like the idea of this poem. The rhyme works nicely for the most part and it really sets the scene of someone escaping into a book.

The first stanza sets a nice scene, but I do think it could flow a little better since it feels a little choppy right now, especially the last two lines. Maybe something like "In silence, she pleads/to enter a new land."

The second stanza is bothering me for a couple reasons.
1) It seems like she should be happy to be set free, and yet she's crying?
2) "A winter's day bleak" sounds weird and awkward to me, so the rhyme here feels forced. I'd think about rewording here and maybe making the mood of this stanza more cheerful in contrast to the sadness of the character dying in the third stanza.

The last two stanzas are solid and flow well.

Overall, I really liked this. Some rewording might help a few spots, but I like the idea of writing about getting lost in a book. Welcome again and keep writing! :D




Dani965 says...


Thankyou for the review



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 2:51 am
Bloodlord wrote a review...



Hello Dani 965-- Bloodlord here to review your poem!!

This is a very nice poem and a very beautiful way to describe the power of books. As readers read the poem, they can feel the girl's plea, the girl's excitement to be taken for a new adventure, her sadness at the character's death, and her silent yearning. As you describe the girl's emotions, you lay with the readers' emotions as well in a very nice way--so great job on that!

Overall, I liked your rhyme scheme and punctuation. The only think that I think you may want to think about to make your poem even better is the rhythm and syllables. I think in poetry with rhyme schemes, keeping a generally consistent syllable count with the lines that rhyme would be good.

For example, "and a book in her hand" was good, but the fourth line "to take her to a new land" seemed a little awkwardly long. Perhaps something like "and with a book in her hand" for the second line, or somehow try to shorten the fourth. I think you may want to consider going back line by line and counting the syllables, then editing the lines for consistency.

Also, the line "on a winter's day bleak" I think you may want to reconsider. "Bleak" is an adjective, and I think that while sometimes the adjectives can come after the nouns they describe for poetic and lyrical purposes, this may not be the best place to do it. I don't know... if you like it, feel free to keep it, but just something to consider!

The line "Catching her breath." I think should be changed to "catching her breath,". First, I think the capitalization of "Catching" is not consistent with the rest of your poem, and this seems like a continuous line rather than the end of a thought.

Anyway, great job and let me know if you have any questions!




Dani965 says...


Thankyou, I'm glad you liked it and I see what you mean with some of the improvements!



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:30 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Dani965,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

First of all I wanted to say good job, I really liked this poem which is kind of rare for me to love a piece that has a rhyme scheme. I found it very enchanting and beautiful and I think you have some solid writing here.

The only nitpick I found was:

Black and white ink,
Catching her breath.
Based off of your pattern that you had going I'm gonna assume that you intended to lowercase the first word in the second line.

I did notice that you had to mention to your readers that every fourth line was the beginning of a new stanza. My comment on that is that you should have it pretty clear that a new stanza begins and not have to leave it to the discretion of your readers. Add extra spaces in between stanzas, indent, do anything but leave a little cliff note.

Second thing that I have a general problem with is the fact that every other line has a period and every other line has a capitalized beginning. I get it that you wanted them to be new sentences and it does work in this poem but I would just suggest maybe working on that. I haven't read your other poem yet so I cant speak to your general writing style but sometimes when you have your works styled like this they could just have this over too formal feeling.

Other then that I don't really see anything to comment on. Good job with this poem. If you have any questions regarding my review please feel free to leave them. Good luck and continue writing.




Dani965 says...


Thankyou!



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:27 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @Dani965 I am here to do a review on you work, so first things first.
What I like about this


What needs work
(Every 4 lines is a new stanza) okay I am not shore what stanza means for I have never seen that word before other then that it is fine.
Hot steaming tea, I think that I could help yo make this a bit better.
a silent plea, I think that this could be in proved a little.
a tear rolling down her cheek, I am not really shore right now why she is crying, is it because shes really up set for what is about to happen to her,
Suggestions
1 For: Hot steaming tea, Hot steaming tea by her side,
2 For: a silent plea, a silent cry from inside her, so that is all that I can say so keep up with the good work.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




Dani965 says...


Thankyou for the review and a stanza is like a paragraph in poetry.



Dossereana says...


you are welcomed. :D



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Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:02 pm
Poppy wrote a review...



Hey Dani! Poppy back with another review!

I absolutely loved this! I could relate to everything said here because I love to read XD

I honestly couldn't find anything wrong with this. I loved your rhymes, the words you used, and the overall topic! The only thing that isn't even really a problem is that,
"Lost in the pages,
a tear rolling down her cheek,
set free of her cages
on a winter's day bleak"
The last line doesn't exactly read well, but I know that you needed "bleak" in there for the rhyme so I don't really have a complaint about it, just wanted to let you know.

Great poem, and keep up the good work!
-Poppy




Dani965 says...


Thankyou, and yes I couldn't really find a word that would rhyme well with cheek, I agree that it doesn't read well to.




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