I am pathetic they tell me,
Because they say so,
Because their minds are too small,
To stop, and think: Oh.
|
I have never done it before,
And they tell me how in a shout,
And say I am useless at all,
When I don’t get what its all about.
|
But what can one like me do,
When the problem is above me,
Well, I could always try,
Will it work… I guess I will see.
|
So I confront them,
Trying to be bold,
‘Don’t you dare be disrespectful and rude’,
Is what I am then told.
|
So It didn’t work,
And I am none the better,
But I guess I did then receive,
That one, fateful letter.
|
In but one page of writing,
It told me all I needed to know,
How to be good, right and true,
And that I would indeed see again snow.
|
That wonderful, pure cold,
White as a summer cloud,
To live in a place blessed by it,
Is when I will finally be, of myself, proud.
|
But until I am free,
I must endure through me,
For is it not that I am weak,
And my future isn’t worth trying to seek?
|
Confusion is the only gift to me they gave,
The implications are plain to see,
That as they have told me without words:
A life has obviously been wasted with me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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129,528 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
Hi DamienCyfer, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Jawbreaker!
Wow, this was good. I would have to describe it as deep, meaningful, powerful, and extremely true. This reminds me of the usual, everyday person, and he is describing not so much the thoughts of others but the thoughts of society. I feel like today, society doesn't always value every life, just as your poem is stating that something/some one or a group of people are not valuing this person's life.
I think that you did a good job with your word choice. I only have 1 thing to commend you on...
I have never done it before,
And they tell me how in a shout,
And say I am useless at all,
When I don’t get what its all about.
Now, I would first like to say that this is only my take. For me, the line 'And say I am useless at all,' made me stop for a good 30 seconds and re-read the verse up to see how this word choice fit. I would say that you **can** (you don't have to as I think this might be my more personal feelings but I can't be sure) change it to 'And say I am unless to all,'. I dunno, just something I thought might make it flow better and such.
My favorite verses where numbers 4 and 5 as I feel they flowed well and I can really envision this person in these two. Great job on that!
Overall I liked this a lot. It was deep and meaningful and to me, brought feelings of today's society although I'm not sure that was what you where shooting for. I would also like to say that, if you are imploring to yourself, I do not think your life is a wast at all! I think each life was made for a reason and there is no wast of life no mater how odd do different a person is. I truly hope you can feel better about yourself! I think your a wonderful writer! Keep writing please!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Jawbreaker.
Hey there!
A very morose poem, I understand that what you went through must not have been easy and sometimes life really is quite unfair. Sticking up for yourself is always the right thing to do, but neither is being rude, cause then you would be fighting hate with hate.
My Critique in your poem:
Delightful to read, easy to understand what you mean except for one or two cases:
-"I have never done it before,
And they tell me how in a shout" What have you never done and what did they shout, its very unclear.
-You tend to rhyme and then suddenly stop. This disrupts the flow of the poem.
-"And that I would indeed see again snow." This sentence simply does not make sense. It would work if it were written as "And that I would once again see snow". It is easier for the reader and promotes fluidity.
Overall its a decent poem, it could do some work obviously. Don't let other people influence your happiness, that is the only advice I can give you.
Keep practicing and good luck!
Wow. Deep. That is quite sad. I'm not saying that you should try to write about 'fluffy bunnies and rainbows' it's just that that is really depressing.
On a more constructive note the poem is well structured and has a nice flow to it. Life has not been wasted on you!!! It's a really good well structured poem.
Please try not to be so depressed.
Thanks! This and the other poem I wrote when I was having a breakdown (Thanatophobic Thoughts) both seem to be depressing. I appear to have my best moments of poetic inspiration when I am feeling the most put down. How poetic!