Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
As we stood in silence, I heard Ana’s voice sigh, “And there they go again. Seriously, the two of them need to get it together.”
Cullen’s voice came back. “The two of them...they’re complicated. They always have been and who knows if they always will be. Just cut them some slack, they’re trying to get things worked out.”
Asher headed up to the room we now shared, but I stayed frozen in place.
“What do they even have to work out though? They’ve got all this tension between them but they never even talk around each other!” My best friend was clearly agitated.
“They haven’t always been like this, in fact, they’ve never been like this before,” Cullen replied.
“And you keep mentioning this ‘always’ and ‘before’ and yet I only know these few bits and pieces!” she screamed, slipping in and out of Portuguese. “Nobody tells me anything anymore!”
I sighed, leaving the rest of the conversation to be private as I slipped into my room and joined Asher on the bed. As I rested my head on his chest, he wrapped a protective arm around me.
“So you don’t have to dye your hair,” he commented, his eyes tracing the patterns on my ceiling.
“Apparently not.”
“Ana didn’t seem happy about that.”
“She doesn’t know.”
“That much was obvious.”
I sighed. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?”
“I don’t know,” he answered, taking a piece of my hair and twisting it around his finger. “But you do a great job of keeping track of it all.”
I smiled up at him, and he smiled back, the sides of his eyes crinkling slightly. “Thanks.”
He dropped a kiss to my hair. “No problem.”
I sat up and slid off my bed, taking his hand and pulling him after me. “Come on, there’s something I want to show you.” I sighed slightly at the slight frown that had formed on his face when I moved. I knew he got anxious when I went anywhere without him, but just me standing up was a trigger now?
“You were warrrrmmmm,” he whined, and I giggled. There's that question answered, I thought. Way to make yourself more important than you are.
“Come on!!!!” I bounced over to the door, giddy about showing him my music room, and hopeful that it would help to repair some of the cracks in our relationship.
He shook his head, getting up and coming over to me. “How could I resist when you’re so adorable?” he asked, laughing.
I shot him a glare before racing up to the third floor and running to the door of the music room.
“Hey, slow down!” he called after me, and I shook my head through giddy giggles.
“I’ll slow down when you speed up, old man!” I threw back casually.
He appeared at my side a moment later. “What’s so important?” he asked, slightly out of breath from the stairs.
“Close your eyes,” I commanded, and he obliged. I pushed open the door and led him into the middle of the room, then ran over and closed the door before flipping on the lights.
“Open!” I called, and he took his hands from over his eyes and was instantly like a kid in a candy store. As soon as he had regained his bearings, he was going from guitar to guitar, picking them up, running his fingers over them, plucking and strumming to hear their different timbres. After he had finished with my guitars, he made his way to my drum sets, followed by my keyboards, my grand piano, and my production setup.
“This place is gorgeous,” Asher told me, running his fingers over my collection of drum sticks.
I smiled. “You’re the third person that’s ever been in here.”
“I’m honored.” He sat down the sticks and came over to where I was sitting at my piano.
“I’m just glad you like it up here,” I admitted, blushing when he sat down next to me. “It’s like my second home.”
“It’s full of music, and it’s special to you,” he smiled down at me. “How could I not like it?”
I blushed harder, and he took my hand. “How does playing a cover together sound? You know, like we used to.”
I smiled at him, resting my head on his shoulder. “It sounds great.”
He walked over and grabbed a guitar and a stool while I scooted the piano bench up to where I could play comfortably. He pulled out his phone as he took a seat. “Mind if I post this?”
I almost nodded, but then I reconsidered and shook my head. It's for the fans, I thought to myself as he opened a livestream and propped it up so that I was out of the frame but he was still clearly visible. It's for the fans. As the they poured in, he checked that the guitar was in tune. Satisfied that it was, he looked over at me.
“Secret Love Song?” he asked, and I nodded, referencing a Little Mix song that the two of us had covered once upon a time, purely for fun.
Asher couted us off, and I started the song. As the melodies progressed, the emotion did too, and what started as something for fun became our cry, wishing we could be a couple out in the open instead of hiding like we always had.
As soon as the song was over, he cut off the livestream without even so much as a goodbye and then hugged me. “You sounded beautiful.”
“So did you,” I returned, my face heating as I blushed.
“You know they actually tried to get me to date Jade as a publicity stunt once?”
“Really?”
“No joke.”
The thought of that was hilarious. Jade and Asher were two extremely different people, both above the surface and below. A lot of people said the same thing about Asher and I, but considering that all they had ever seen of me was a façade, I wasn’t concerned about their opinions all that much.
I stood and made my way over to the door. “I’m gonna go get some food.”
“You know where to find me when you’re done.” He smiled gently at me, twisting around slightly so that he could make eye contact with me over at the door, and I smiled back. He was right, I did know where to find him. He’d be where he always was: home. But then a thought struck me: What if home wasn't the same place for the two of us anymore?
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Back at it again with the reviewing, as you can see. Because I don't want to overwhelm you, look up Carly Rae Jepsen's "Run Away With Me" and "This Kiss" because there's always a good Carly Rae Jepsen song for any dramatic occasion.
Anyway, onto the review.
Like what? Distant? Did they not always say I love you to each other three times and hound each other with kisses? As a consequence of not knowing how Lauren and Ash were before, the audience doesn't know how to react to mentions of their pasts. It sort of feels like all the spicy stuff happened before the events of the story, so now we're saddled with the crumbling aftermath, which doesn't feel nearly as exciting as the past.
I'm not sure if you can drop a kiss on anything. Maybe 'kissed my hair' would work better here, though points for creativity.
Not sure how I feel about elongating words with extra letters. Feels a little annoying to me, to be honest, as it only really works in phone text form.
You know, I think the audience would be more interested in seeing what Lauren had in store for her boyfriend if Lauren didn't immediately spoil the surprise for the audience. It would've helped the audience share the same sense of fascination and wonder with Ash, anyway.
Oof. 'Old man' is a little touchy there, especially considering the contents of the last chapter.
Could you describe what a kid in a candy store looks like? How are his eyes? What were his movements? Did he laugh? How wide was his grin? What did he say, or was he speechless the whole time?
Also, I would've liked a more detailed description of the music room. The lighting, the architecture, the placement of the instruments. I think it's worth taking time for, since they're going to sing in it.
Did the sound of the tuning echo in the music room? What did the fans say on their livestream? I think I'd like more details here, too.
A misspelling of 'counted.'
Also, this is a bit more tell-y when it should be show-y. I know what the feeling of the scene is supposed to be, but I can't absorb the Emotion. It's a good thing I know the song you're referring to, because otherwise I'd be completely lost. What you could do to show the emotion is detail what melodies they're playing (use a little bit of music research, at least for the first few notes, then let the prose take it's place) and then emphasize which lyrics you had in mind when you meant the Emotional scene. For example:
Spoiler
I looked at Ash. He looked back at me. "I wish that it could be like that," I sang, barely thinking of the notes on the keyboard anymore, "Why can't it be like that?"
Why can't it be like that?
It didn't feel like I was singing anymore. I was talking. No, I was screaming, throwing all I had onto the keyboard, into the song. Ash's hands traced over his guitar, strumming. Why had we ended up this way? Why couldn't it have been different?
Why did I have to leave?
Obviously you could make it better, because I'm just using what I think you meant by that scene. But you get the gist of it. A lot more detail, a lot more showing what the characters are feeling through their actions and words instead of telling us how we're supposed to feel.
Dramatic. Nice touch.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on this chapter. Onto the next one.
--Elliot.
Hi there!
Uhhhhhh I had something to say...oh, wait, no, I remember.
So this part I thought could be so much more dramatic! Like you tell us that the narrator experiences these strong emotions because her (her?) relationship has to be hidden, which doubtless puts some strain on it, but it's like a really short paragraph that could probably almost be a scene itself. Does the narrator relate to any particular lyrics of that particular song at that particular moment? Does she think about the fact that they're live-streaming while it's happening? Do any particular strains of music have an effect on her while they're playing?
Then, you make reference to "repairing the cracks in our relationship" and, at the end, "what if home wasn't the same place for the two of us anymore," but all I see in the chapter is a loving, happy couple. It sounds as if there's drama going on with some friends of theirs, but this chapter doesn't sound as if there's any tension or drama at all between Asher and...uh...our narrator, whose name I don't know because it wasn't mentioned in this chapter. Anyway, if your intention is to have some suspense/tension because readers might think Asher and the narrator are going to break up, I think we need to see more of that tension in this chapter.
That doesn't mean you have to do away with all the squishy cuteness! The chapter could start off with Asher comforting the narrator and cuddling with her, but you never know when a wrong word can start a fight - or not even a fight, just suddenly take away that warm fuzzy feeling and leave the room cold. Maybe he asks if they can stream their music and she really doesn't want to and feels as if he doesn't understand that she wants the two of them to have some things in their relationship that are just between them. Maybe she's upset because he wants to publicize this moment, but their relationship has to be a secret. In which case, outwardly everything might be fine, but internally she's a little angry at him/indifferent toward him/sad that he doesn't get her, if that makes sense.
I meant the sentence about almost nodding and then shaking her head as a response to his question of if she minded if he posted it on social media - Lauren would've preferred if it been a private thing between the two of them. And Ana assumed that Ash and Lauren were upstairs in there room, so they wouldn't have been able to hear her, even if she were yelling. Hope that clears some stuff up for you, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story!