Hello, friend. I'm back again, and without realizing it I might become a permanent fixture to this work if you plan on finishing it. I have a couple of thoughts, as always, and I'm interested to see where this goes, but not all of my thoughts are positive. Mind you, my tastes don't lie in this sort of thing, so it might just be me--but if it's any consolation, the meeting was very sweet. It serves it's purpose, and it's purpose is to reunite these two after the protagonist's disappearance.
Small Nitpicks:
I sat in the Oslo airport anxiously and glanced at my watch. Three minutes. They felt like an eternity, 180 seconds to last a lifetime. My legs crossed and uncrossed. Shoulders tensed and relaxed. Foot tapped the ground in an uneven rhythm. Fingers of my right hand played with the ring on my left. Breath came in and out unevenly. Thoughts raced by, beyond the speeds of comprehension.
I think you started this chapter on a strong note of doubt, a note that I actually quite like. The reader hasn't been familiar with Ash, not as familiar as the protagonist is, so the reader feels the same sense of dread and anxiety the protagonist is feeling. I also liked how you showed her movements and nervous tics, because it subconsciously forces the reader to picture themselves in the same situation, mimicking the same movements and picking up the same habits. Very good.
My hands were clenched tightly at my chest, in an effort to still them but instead allowing me to feel my own rapid heartbeat.
I'm not sure how I feel about this line in particular. I don't see a lot of people clutching their hearts nowadays, but it might just be me. Usually, nervous people try distracting themselves or practicing their breathing, the movement conveyed here is a little...melodramatic.
The eyes locked on me, making my heart race with itself and paralyzing my body.
I personally feel this sentence is awkward. I would rephrase it to "The eyes locked on me, and my heart raced faster. I stared, paralyzed." There's plenty of space and pauses between the commas, so the audience has an easier time absorbing the dramatic moment.
After a couple seconds, however, he muttered “Fuck it,” and pulled me into him before pressing his pillow-like lips to mine.
I'm not sure if I like 'pillow-like,' either. It's not as bad as 'moist' mind you, but it's not exactly the imagery I'd want to think about when thinking of lips, and it's too many syllables so the potency of the scene is slightly decreased. Maybe a simple 'soft' would do. This one's subjective, so it's up to you.
As our lips dancedtogetherthe tango they knewoh sowell, everything fell into place.
Just removed some unnecessary words. You could keep 'oh so' but 'together' shouldn't be there.
I blushed, and then inhaled deeply, trying to breathe in every last bit of his scent.
The protagonist blushes four times in this thing. Pick up a different action that signifies admiration or embarrassment, or maybe just use 'turned red.'
“I’m here now, and we never have to be apart again,” he assured me, squeezing my hand.
(...)
“I’d rather we just forget and go back to how things were.”
(...)
I sighed. “Can’t you just let me be sorry for hurting you?”
“No, because now that you’re back the damage’s been repaired. There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He ran his hands through my hair, pausing occasionally to play with certain strands.
Right, so here are where my serious problems come from. After thinking about it for a while, I've decided (from my personal opinion) that Ash being so accepting of Lauren isn't satisfying. At all. You see, most stories have to have some sort of dramatic appeal, and usually that appeal is from some sort of conflict. However small that conflict it is, it needs to be resolved in a satisfactory manner. That's where pacing often comes in. There's a reason why Goldilocks goes through cycles of three to find a possession of the bear's that is 'just right,' and Delilah needs to trick Samson more than once in order to truly find his weakness--because if the problem was immediately resolved, the story would be boring.
Now, I'm not saying Ash HAS to be angry at Lauren for the story to be interesting. Far be it from me to tell you how to write your characters. What I'm saying is that if you're setting up a conflict where Lauren is unsure that Ash will accept her once he sees her, you need to find a way to tie up all the threads in a satisfactory manner. This may be completed by ending the chapter with Ash running to Lauren and kissing her, silencing her thoughts, and thus resolving the chapter. It may also be completed by Lauren being doubtful and obsessed with her own perception of how Ash feels about her, awkwardly staring at him and being silent, unsure of how to face the situation at hand; thus, the conflict may continue until they get home. But at this point in time, after the kiss there's no reason for me to read further. I know they're going to go home. I know they're going to resolve their issues. Why should I keep reading at that point?
And I do agree with Alice, if it were up to me I'd make this reunion a little less amicable. But amicable reunions ARE possible, and they are also possible to write. But they aren't problem-free--one or both of the parties involved carry a certain weight, a question of whether they can maintain what they once had years past. This could easily be explored through silence or a small, desperate argument, but I didn't really get that. At least, it wasn't forceful enough for me to feel any emotions for the characters.
“I love you so goddamn much, Lauren,” he whispered against my lips.
A final nitpick, that's edging towards an actual problem for this part. There are three 'I love yous' used here, and I find the phrase 'I love you' to be extremely powerful but then extremely tacky once overused. The more you say it, the less I believe you, and this is especially true since they're in such a rocky place. 'I missed you' would've sufficed, because at least that's telling something the audience knows to be true--they do, objectively, miss each other. But love? The audience hasn't seen any real proof of their 'love' since they haven't seen each other in a while and now suddenly, bam, they're together again. Unrealistic? Yeah, sure, but most fiction is unrealistic. It's just a matter of how good you are at convincing people it could happen.
Anyway, those were my thoughts. Overall I felt the chapter started out well, but then dragged on a little too long for my tastes, leaving me a little more lukewarm about it. However, I'm still invested, and I eagerly await what happens next.
--Elliot.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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