Young Writers Society

Hi, it's Serrurie! It looks like you have a nice, lighthearted story to read, so let's dive right in!

The Good Stuff: It's nice to see such amazing formatting on this. Double spacing it makes it SO much easier to read so I thank you for that.
-I can tell these characters are British just from how they speak, so good job on that! (even before any mention of tea)
-Your descriptions are really good. I wish I could eat the food they were heaving at tea time.

Room For Improvement:
-Can I suggest changing Dick's name? It just made it a little awkward when I first read it. Maybe change it do a different short form of Richard like 'Rick' or 'Richie'
-Make sure to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks. It can make it confusing to the reader when you don't.
-I can tell the basic plot for this chapter: the goal is to get their forms signed. I would suggest that to add to the story, make sure Dick's and Annie's peronalities have more contrast to each other, just so that they feel more individualized. This can help strengthen the plot by showing what their 'drive' is, their fears, needs, wants, hobbies, etc. These can all add to the story and create more complex situations.

Overall Opinion: This was a cute first chapter to your story! I look forward to reading what happens to Annie and Dick.

-Serrurie

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this was a lovely opening chapter for this novel here. Really setting up a lovely cast of characters here and the wonderful relationship they seem to share and of course quite a neat little hook there with that field trip.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

“Achoo!” came a sound. “Achoo!” it came again! “Why is it sooo dusty?”

groaned Annie. “This box really shouldn’t have been kept there for so

long. I just can't ....stop…..sneezing- achoo! Uh!” “ I honestly don’t know

who kept it in the attic! It must’ve been Dick who’d kept it.” said Mummy

from inside the house. “Now do come in for tea.”

Anni and Dick Winter were brother and sister. Anni was 13 and Dick

a year older than her. They were fast cyclists and loved going on long

rides along the countryside. Their father was an architect, and would

often have a very messy workroom. Annie couldn’t understand much of

the plans her father made, and would often end up thinking she should

never even try to be an architect. “So much drawing, planning and

thinking! Honestly I think I might just go mad if I did any more!”

And everyone would just laugh at her thought. “Oh Annie! You don’t need to do it if you don’t want to.” said Dick, “Do something you like.” “Yes.” said Mummy, cutting big slabs of fruit cake for everyone. “Think of something you like doing. But for goodness’s sake, don’t go about thinking you’d want to be a traveller. You spend so much money when you go on a trip!”

And she was right. Both siblings loved to travel, and what was exciting Annie the most, was the school trip she was going. “Oh Mummy! I would never think of such a thing! Anyways, I want to become a professor of some sort.” “Some sort too for a professor!” said Dick, and got a punch from Annie. “By the way, there was an announcement at school today about the school trip.” said Annie. “And where will you be going?” asked Daddy. “We’re going to Cardiff!” said Dick, grinning. “And we’re going by bus. We’ll be leaving early in the morning and we’ll stay two days there and be back the next morning. We’ll be going to loads of
exciting places, have loads of fun and goodness knows what else!”

“What’s the date of your departure?” asked Mummy. “I think it’s next week on Thursday that we’ll leave. We’ll be staying at a hotel. They’ve given us a form with all the information. You’ve got to fill it.” said Dick.

“Oh please let us go Daddy! You know we can look after ourselves for two days. You won’t need to worry about us. Won’t it be lovely being on our own Dick?” went on Annie. Dick nodded and said “Brilliant!” but it sounded more like ‘verian’ because he had stuffed his mouth with cake. “Oh Dick! Don’t stuff your mouth like that! You just can’t keep your control on cake, can you?” Dick grinned at her and said, “Well at least I’ve eaten something. You haven’t even touched your cake! Eat up!”

“Enough you two. You can bring me your forms after tea.” said Daddy. “Oh thank you Daddy! I’ll have to take my Sapphire jacket, it’ll be cold, and -” “That’s enough Annie, you’ve barely touched anything. Eat up now, there’s a lot to follow the fruit cake.” said Mummy.

And there was! After fruit cake, they had buttered scones with jam, buttered crumpets, a jam sponge sandwich and a nice iced fruit juice with small bits of fruit in it to end with. “That was a smashing tea Mummy!” said Dick, leaning back on the chair and highly satisfied with his tea. “Yes Mummy, you really do cook magic!” said Annie. “Well, it’s just good to know that you appreciate it, thank you very much.”

“Go along now and get your forms if you want to get them signed now.” said Daddy. Annie and Dick went off giggling. “We’re going to have so much fun, Annie.”

“Of course we are. Ooh! We might even hit an adventure!” said Annie as they headed to their bedrooms. “Dream on, dreamer!” shouted Dick from his bedroom. A pillow came flying and hit him on his head. “Ouch! What was that for?” Dick looked up and saw Annie at the door, laughing. “Sorry! But I just hope you’ll learn to comment better next time!” and she went off downstairs. Dick got his form and raced down after Annie.

Daddy as still reading Annie’s form so Dick left his on the table, and

went off to read a book in the living room. Annie was with Mummy in the

kitchen. The house cat was having the time of his life, sleeping on his

pillow.

What a cosy evening!

➥First impressions💗: Short and sweet. It was an adorable read that sets a cosy scene, loved the interactions between the characters felt like a genuine brother and sister moment.

A small breakdown: The story relies heavily upon dialogues to convey character personalities and relationships, through this we discover the character’s quirks and the dynamic between family members. I personally loved that you opened with onomatopoeia, "Achoo!" It made me think about where this character is, and what they’re doing to be sneezing. Though the imagery is vivid it paints pictures of the setting, enchanting the reader’s immersion into the cosy atmosphere of a family home. Details like the messy workroom, the variety of tea-time treats and the siblings’ bedroom add to the sensory experience. Annie’s punchline about becoming “some sort of professor” and the playful banter between the siblings, for me is a touch of light-heartedness to the narrative making it engaging and relatable. Very well done there. I enjoyed how the narrative highlights bonds between family, captured by affectionate teasing, shared males and mutual support a sweet theme that only enhances the reader’s relatability to the narrative.

Tips to consider!

➥Pacing: The narrative flows smoothly, but pacing could be improved by balancing dialogue-driven scenes with moments of introspection or action. This can prevent the story from feeling stagnant.

➥Character development: The dialogue only glimpsed us of each character’s personality, further development could enhance their depth and complexity. Consider exploring their motivations, emotions, fears etc.

Overall, your narrative captures the warmth of family life and the lure of upcoming adventures quite well. There is room for improvement, and it has the potential to be bigger, so keep going!

Final say💗🙌🏽: I enjoyed reviewing your work I hope my review helped you in any way(^·^) if you write and upload any work anywhere else (like Wattpad) let me know!

TOPAWG

Hello, I am AkuRashomon and I am here to give you a review/comment for your first short story posted on YWS. Also, welcome to YWS! If you need help, you PM the people with light green/ dark green/ red because they are the administrators of the site. You may also put an avatar on your account so you can be recognized and become a featured member of the site! Now, to the review!

What I liked/Comments
I like the starting of your story. It starts with a sound of a person sneezing and smelling dust.

“Achoo!” came a sound. “Achoo!” it came again! “Why is it sooo dusty?”

“Achoo!” Came a sound.

“Achoo!” It came again!

“Why is it so dusty?” Groaned Annie. “This box really shouldn’t have been kept there for so long. I just can't...stop…..sneezing-- achoo! Uh!”

“I honestly don’t know who kept it in the attic! It must’ve been Dick who’d kept it.” Said Mummy from inside the house. “Now do come in for tea.”