"Where's my hairbelt? I can't find my bag either. How am I going to complete packing if my things keep hiding from me?"
"Annie, would you please keep it down, I'm trying to complete my assignment!" Dick came at the door. " Good gracious, what a mess you've made of your room! Of course you wouldn't find anything in this. You've been talking at the top of your voice and I can't think!"
"Well....fine, I'll clean it up. I'm sorry" said an unhappy Annie.
"Here, let me help". Dick felt ashamed for having yelled at his sister.
"Look, here's your bag, under these clothes, and you've already put a few things in it. Your hairbelt's in here."
"Really? Thanks for finding it Dick. I'm sorry for disturbing you..... I'll try to be more quiet. You can finish your assignment." Annie apologized.
"Look at the time now. We should be down for dinner. My assignment is complete, I was only checking if I'd missed something. Come on, let's go down" said Dick.
Dick went back to his room to put put his assignment into his bag and clean things up a bit. He ran down, only to find Annie stealing a piece of his turkey. He stopped her and forbid her from touching his plate. Just then, Daddy entered the room, dripping wet. He was holding a black briefcase.
"Daddy, what happened? You're dripping wet!" Asked Annie.
"I was meeting a friend outside when it started to rain. It was important, so it couldn't wait." Replied Daddy.
"Was it the briefcase?"asked Dick.
Daddy nodded, and had a strange secretive look on his face. He then went into his office. The two children looked at each other with excitement. What an interesting little briefcase it must be to make Daddy behave so strangely!
Mummy was bringing vanilla pudding from the kitchen.
"Let's go and ask Daddy about the briefcase in his office after dessert, Dick. I feel as if I must know what's inside." Said Annie.
"Won't Daddy want to eat dinner first, Annie? He's just entered." Said Dick
"Well, Daddy's already had his dinner, and I've finished mine. You're not even done with half of yours. Finish up!"
"Dick! It's dessert time and you still haven't finished. Your food must have gone all cold now. Finish It now or you won't get any pudding!"
Dick went red and started eating slowly, but ate faster when he saw Annie taking spoonfuls of pudding, and even faster when he saw Mummy's angry face! He finally finished and was given a bowl of pudding.
Mrs. Winter sat down at the table and said," You're not to go into Daddy's office without his permission, or in his absence. He has gotten some very important work which is to be kept secret. Don't tell anyone about anything you may know. Do you understand?"
"Yes Mummy." Said Annie.
Dick whispered to Annie, "Definitely the briefcase." "Don't worry Mummy, we won't let a thing out."
Dick became very curious about Daddy's secret. Could it really be the briefcase? It looked like the same black one that Daddy carried around with him. Is someone after its contents? As Dick wondered about all this, he looked at the window behind Annie. His eyes went wide and he suddenly shouted, "Annie! Annie, get away from there!"
"Why? What's the matter Dick?" She quickly got up.
"Look......"
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Ch-5 The Window, A Face And A BoxPoints:
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi hello!
Let me head straight into the review.
Here: This sentence feels quite disjointed without context “Dick came at the door.”, it’s just sitting in between the dialogue and I feel like without describing more of the room, it’s not doing much.
Dialogue formatting tip:
Needs a comma to connect the dialogue to the text. Comma goes inside the dialogue.
In general, the punctuation goes inside the speech
It feels a bit like the dialogue the two have isn’t that important and it goes by really fast.
Tho things do seem to pick up with the dad’s arrival! Felt immediately interested in what could be in there, good intro.
That said, I feel like the rest of the chapter kinda lets that intrigue down by dissolving into a conversation that doesn’t feel important. Maybe it would help if you make yourself a plan in just what exactly you want to show in each chapter?