Your casual/cartoon-comedy tone is actually pretty funny to read, surprisingly. It's never the type of tone I'd use, but I'm glad it works for your story.
A piece of advice would be to perhaps stretch out your time? Your story is already incredibly short as-is, so rushing through it doesn't seem like the best idea. Look at this:
Alex again began to rub.It seemed like hours but finally he could stop.
The next morning Mariet pulled out a large pair of heels. Groaning he tugged them on.
You've got a section of time that felt so long that the main character said it "seemed like hours" and an entire time-skip to the next morning in just two successive lines! Remember, this would take seconds to read, so it's terribly difficult for the reader to feel like that much time as passed. Of course, filler for the sake of stuffing filler isn't necessarily a great idea, but considering this scene is such an ordeal for the main character, it wouldn't hurt to focus on it, describe it, and bring out the main character's feelings some more!
The same can be said for this:
This sorta went on for a while until one day,
Bland timeskips like this are, more often than not, a cop-out and leave the reader wanting more.
Keep writing though! Interesting or funny ideas are more important than perfect technical proficiency if you ask me
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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