The world is in cause. You can hear the constant moaning of those without homes, or those in the pain from the Mutation. All are in agony. Not all show it. But we all know that, now there is no escaping it. It all started from an accident really. All this destruction. All of this pain. There is no cure. There is no hope. All that's left to do is to die. But there are those who are escaping to Mars. But only those rich enough. They are going to wait it out. So I'm writing this so they don't do the same mistakes as their elders. This is how it started.
My name is Montey Corben. Im 16 years old. I was walking down my schools hallway. If you don't know what a school is, its where we go to learn things like math, science, English. Everything. So, as I was going to science. My teacher, Mr. Ration, had jars out.
"Today, we will be making cures. Now, all of these has a small cold in it. You all should have immunities to them. But today you will learn how to make a cure." He went through the entire process, but I will spare you the details. So I went to my work table, and began to work. I got a little of the cold on the micro analyzer. It said it was the flu. I had to make a cure for a flu. How tough is that? I have no idea. I get one of the other flus and a cold to make the cure. I was mixing the sicknesses when they tipped over. It spilled on the other flu. I didn't know if this was a big deal so I call Mr. Ration over.
"I accidentally mixed all of these."
"Oh, well lets have a look."
HE looks at the analyzer. He made a small noise at the back of his throat.
"Holy crap, kid. I'm not sure but, this looks like it could cure cancer."
I was so surprised I was speechless.
"Son, you have a bright future ahead."
Sure enough, the next day a reporter came over.
"Your Montey Corben, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, we got word that you came up with the cure for cancer. Is that true?"
"Well, I don't know. If I did, it was an accident. I was in class when I dropped a vial on something I was working on."
"We also have word that you will be getting your family tax free for life, for this cure. Also a free house wherever you choose. And a free car of your choice."
"I was not aware of that."
"Well that's what were her for. So tell us, what did you mix?"
"I don't really know."
"Ok, but that's all the time we have for today. Come back later to watch the testing." She said to the camera. "Kid, you got a lot of fame ahead of you."
For more chapters, follow me, or just put The Mutation in the search YWS. The second chapter will come out in a few.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hi there!
Dakhar here for a review! Lets begin.Shall we?
I'll begin with the positives first. So I liked the concept that you were going for. It had a very dystopian feel to it with some future connotation of a reality. It could really play out well to your advantage in the coming chapters! So good job on that!
Now, there were a few glaring errors that I just could not overlook. So I'm mentioning them for your betterment. It is as follows:
1. There were a lot of glaring grammatical and punctuation errors that really need to be cleaned up!
2. There was a lot of repetitions in your sentences which lead to the same meaning.
3. The entire conversation bit seemed to be too fast to establish any sort of realism.
4. The characters were very vague and it was not possible to determine their personalities. While the character development can be sketched out across the chapters there was nothing that enticed me about the main character and left no interest to know him and his motives in the story.
5. Lastly, if you're looking to establish a new reality as the setting of your story then it needs to be described in detail. And its okay to devote a few paragraphs to only doing that which will help to expand the story in the further chapters.
Hope these insights would have given you a good idea of where to fix it. Good luck with the rest of the story.
Will be back for a review soon
Hello Cyber! Here for a quick review!
So this is a very good piece with an interesting feel to it. My only concern, however, is that most of your sentences are quite short and because of that, the flow is a little off. If you try to switch up the sentence length as you go, it will smooth itself out!
A very interesting introduction to what I’m sure will be a great story! Keep up the good work!
Honora
If you want more, I need help. Pls donate 25, or hower=ver many points so I can get the next out as soon as possible
You are supposed to review other work to earn points. It is the system of YWS so that everyone contributes to somebody else%u2019s hard work. Points are supposed to be more of reward for helping others out