Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Smoke and sand and dusty floors --
That's what you are, now. Nothing more.
Sweep me off and with the wind --
This is how and where we'll end.
Muddy eyes and crooked smile --
Haven't seen those in a while.
Maybe you can stay this time--
I'll treat you to a glass of wine.
Honor code and rules aside;
I'm drunken and my tears have dried.
I'm done with skin and heart restrained --
I want to hold you, dead and lame.
Warm your fingers in my hands...
You'll be my seven-second stand.
Kiss your knuckles and your knees,
Sweep you up into the trees,
Watch you sway there, in the breeze.
Another body wasted, now,
and draped upon a gnarled bough.
Yet, still I crave your muddy eyes...
I'll slice until I've cut the ties.
Take your eye lids into mine...
I'll see it through your swollen eyes.
The world's all hazy, smokey yellow.
Didn't think you'd be so mellow.
Feel you blindly, find the spot
that to touch you told me not...
Brush the skin there, cold and gaunt.
I'll touch you all I fucking want.
Cremate you and hide the ashes --
Another of my guilty stashes.
Take some out at ten past nine
and smoke it with a glass of wine.
You've never been mine.
Cut you up with shards of glass...
All I have's a photograph.
I saved a flower from your grave.
I think I'll light it on a stake.
It's over, now.
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139,820 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
I love the rhythmic rhyme scheme in this poem and the very vivid description. The possessive tone goes well with this description and the poem slowly develops into a very dark narrative. The constant -almost nursery rhyme like- pace gives the poem a really creepy feel to it, which I really like. However I'm not sure what is meant by "muddy eyes" and I think that you could have perhaps improved on this for a better adjective that fit the tone of poem. Although if you have your own specific reason for doing this do clarify it for me as I would want to know if there was something I am missing.
Anyways, great poem, great rhythm and great tone.
You write such interesting poems! I love the rhythm and rhyme! I have no complaints for you, the topics I agree with, and I see no flaws in your typing. I really like how you use your emotions through poetry. Thanks for sharing! We should talk sometime! (By the way, I'm 14 years old and my name is Emily.) Good job!
Hi!! Thank you so much
I try my best haha although with this one, I was kind of just rambling at 12 in the morning. I've looked at some of your poems, and I'm really impressed! The themes are shockingly mature, but not in a bad way. They're very real and very human, I think. Keep up with the good work 
We should definitely talk. You can call me cupcake if u want haha but I've been brainwashed since a young age not to tell anyone my age. Stranger danger and all that. Lol. But yea. 
It'd be really cool to chat sometime.
hello i know this is not a review but, this was very amazing and I hope to see more poems or any other things you may write if I get a chance to. c:
This made my day.
Thank you so much!!! I'm working on a poem right now, actually... It's about butterflies and leeches and rotting corpses. I think you'll quite enjoy it...
Hello!
So...wow.
I thoroughly enjoyed this, I have to say, although I'm thankful I'm not at home alone right now. It was the shivers-snake-down-your-spine sort of creepy, meaning that you did your job. Poetry is all about emotions, and you delivered emotions of first false comfort, an almost twisted romance, then shock, then that shivery feeling. That's well done--the writing overall is really good. I personally think that your punctuation could use a bit of work, but only in one or two spots. The first is this line: "The world's all hazy, smokey yellow." I really don't think you should end in a period there, because it seems like (at least to me) that your next line, "Didn't think you'd be so mellow", is a continuation of that thought. If it's not, then keep the period, but because of the formatting of the rest of your poem and the way the lines seem to fit together I think that those two seem to go together.
The other line pairing I have that needs a bit of punctuation editing I'm more certain about: "I saved a flower from your grave. I think I'll light it on a stake." The second line is clearly meant to finish up the thought from the first line, so just annex the period there and put either a dash or a comma or whatever you want. Just make sure that the thoughts are continued.
Overall, really great job! Sorry I'm so nitpicky, haha, but I hope this helped!
Nononono don't be sorry I love nit-picky-ness! I'll be sure to go back and fix up some punctuation
THANK YOU FOR THE AWESOME REVIEW I'm
glad it gave you the shivers haha that's always good. Tbh I often find myself judging art by the intensity of the shivers lmao so like if I just kinda get a brief chilly feeling like "woah" u know then I kinda realize its good but not great. On the other hand, if I'm sitting there listening to a song and I look as if I'm freezing to death or something by how violently I'm shuddering then like fam u know that shit's good.
this i will admit roles nicely and is really interesting,my problem its kinda creepy. i went from okay to wtf i rarely say that and i guess this all is mediforical but wow i sat back and just wow. i understand as writers were all weird and have are own styles heck i turn mythical demons that would ripe you limb from limb and turn them in to beings with personality I've been told over and over its a dumb idea but. i see here is a writers burst of mind as i call it you get so involved it just begins to flow until theres no more caused by emotion or something else but what comes out is always interesting and i hope to see it again. good luck on your path as a writer and don't stop because others tell you your works weird it is beautiful.
haha I get exactly what you mean. don't worry -- im like 99% sure that when I wrote this, I wasn't actually planning to commit homicide. like you said, it's all metaphorical.
thank you so so so much for the review!
Okay you first when your username is cupcake queen I don't expect this. I don't think I fully understand what you are saying but I get the main idea. As far as grammar and spelling goes I didn't see any mistakes. I have never seen anyone use dashes in their writing. I am not saying it's bad. It's just a different style.
This poem really has a way to keep someone drawn in. Very well written. Nice job.
haha. thanks?
sorry it sounds insane... I actually had to go back myself the morning after I wrote this and sort through it all & make sense of it. I think what I was describing was not literally killing someone but the memory of them/the relationship. hopefully. idk it makes sense considering some of the stuff that's been going on lol. sorry that sounds awful I wrote it and I'm not even 100% sure myself what it's getting at.
thank you so much for the review, though! I'm new to YWS, so I wasn't expecting such a nice comment