Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
If you were a monster
like those in the movies,
you'd have copper teeth in a jagged array.
You'd be short of stomach,
but to your advantage:
You'd chew me right up and just spit me away.
If you were a monster
like those in the books,
you'd have translucent claws of a caramel shade.
They'd hook at the ends to
forever me beckon.
To reel me in 'gain and again, they were made.
If you were a monster
like those beneath beds,
you'd have little black-holes in the place of your eyes.
They'd bleed out a pus that
infections provide and
they'd drain me of ev'ry stray thought but your lies.
If you were a monster
like those in my head,
you'd have one awful shadow cast always on me.
You'd never release me
from years in the dark
until you and your shadow are all I can see.
If you were a monster,
if you really were,
well, you'd not have blond hair or those olive green eyes.
You'd not have a siren's voice
leaving me dazed;
You'd have claws, fangs, and fur. You would leave me to die.
If you were a monster,
I'd bleed, now, not cry.
I'd be dead in a hole in the ground, not my mind.
If you are a monster,
like they say you are...
Well, I'd rather be limp in your arms than alive.
I'm just going to start off and say wow. This poem is absolutely gorgeous. You really put the words together very well. It's an amazing work. However, I don't know if it was what you were going for or what not, but the rhyme scheme could be worked on. Also, it's all slightly forced. You're a little too focused on the perfect amount of words than quality of the physically poem itself. The use of everything else is beautiful. Regardless, t's very nice. Keep up the amazing work!
ok i'm just gonna start it off like this, this is beautiful. the way you use language, especially in the first few stanzas is amazing, it really brings forth emotion, which i assume is what you aimed for. the way you're able to use the rhyme scheme so nicely almost makes me a bit jealous as I've always been terrible at it. the only thing i could really comment on this poem that, bugs me a bit, is that in a couple of your stanzas the rhymes are there, but i don't feel like they flow as nicely. for example lines 3 and 6 in stanza one fit so well together it makes a great start for the poem. but lines 3 and 6 on stanza two don't feel as if they flow as nicely, which i think may come from the coma. but all in all this poem is really amazing, don't think i could have written anything as beautiful as this. hope you keep on writing awesome stuff like this.
Much better then "5 PM" but it's forced.
You're too busy trying to resemble a perfect amount of syllables and keeping to your rhyme scheme that you forgot too express yourself along the way. You lost perspective of the meaning, of the brilliance you originally intended. At many parts it changed where the story was going, the content of the story, the amount of details you put into your images, the amount of words it took to get to those images, the amount of emotion in the story ect. until a point where the poem isn't ending in a conclusion at all resulting in a bunch of meaningless hypotheticals. Now, I don't usually review two poems of one author because they don't have a chance to fix the original critiques but I'll say the description's of your images still aren't past a simple color, or adjective; we need deep intuition that hasn't been said ever before to find these images/significance in your head.
Although, more importantly the content of this poem could be said in a couple of lines, which makes 90% of the poem fluff and that makes me very uninterested. This poem would be superb, if say, the poem exhibited the same rhyme scheme but progressed the story at every stanza and word, which left nothing to the imagination and had personality but still at that level I would still be questioning whether the rhyme scheme was helping the overall atmosphere of the poem, and I'd probably say no. But that is why only expert poets can do rhyme scheme, and I haven't met anyone currently on the site that can do them well.
Hey, it is RSTorres here for a review...
Before I go into my review, I want to tell a really unnecessary story that might be necessary.
So in my freshmen year of high school, before I met my soul mate, I had a crush on this boy in my class. He had to take freshmen math with us and he was super duper cute. I remember asking him what the answer is even when I knew it. Something to talk to him about. My friend picked up on this quick and told me that he was a serious troublemaker. But of course, I did not listen. I kept chasing after him. I refused to listen to anything that had anything to do with negative comments towards him. I learned my lesson after that though.
I connected with the narrator on understanding of the situation. I did not want to believe he was the guy (or monster) every person said he was. Your ability to connect your readers to your characters and be able to tell a story is amazing.
It took me a while to follow your choice of this particular rhyme scheme but I am more than glad I was able to figure it out within the first stanza. I hardly read any poems with this particular kind of stanzas and it just shows how unique you are to have chosen to write yours this way.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this and I can not wait to see more work from you in the near future.
It's so painful when it finally hits you like a brick that, yea, they kinda *are* a monster. The person whom this poem is about... Idek. I think I finally realized how awful they are a long time ago. But that makes it even more painful, now, because I still see them sometimes and wish it weren't so. Ughhh. I write too often about them. That other piece I have on YWS -- "We're Over, Now," it's called, I think -- is about them, too. It's just. God. The worst.Hey! EverWinter here for a review!
I dunno if you want this reviewed, but whatever.
First off, just punctuation. You should go through and capitalize every word at the beginning of a line. Just watch out for that. But that's usually the last thing I worry about.
Next, I liked that you added in a bit of reality. You described them as a real person, saying what they wouldn't be as a monster. I think that should be cut down slightly. Also, move it closer to the end, making it just before the last little stanza.
I think you could structure it a bit more, giving it a set amount of syllables and stuff just to give it a little more foundation. It would give the reader a little more to hold on to, and it would be a bit easier of a read.
I liked your poem. It was beautifully written and it had great imagery. I really enjoyed reading it and if you edit it or anything, let me know. I'd like to read it if you do.
Thanks for writing this.
Ever
I completely agree with you... when I read it over myself, I wondered if I should a meter or a rhyme scheme or *something* to give it more of a rhythm and flow. I'll go fix that right now and let you know when it's not crap anymore. )
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