Inside a Rose

Hi there, CrossingFlower!

First, spelling and grammar:

You wrote "then" instead of "than", and Bahamas does not need an apostrophe, but that is all. Well done!

Poeticism:

Your use of poetic devices is very good, though perhaps somewhat conservative. But I like the conventional way in which you expressed yourself—it reminds me of a love poem. The "Inside a rose" refrain is great, and it gives a lovely intimacy to the poem. I really like the idea. Some assonance and alliteration always does a poem like this good, but that is a personal preference.

Lineation:

The four-line stanza is great, again conventional and love-poem like. But the poem could do with some meter. The lack of rhythm removes potency and makes the reader cling to the last words of the lines. Maybe, since it is so close already, you could turn this into a sonnet! It's an exciting idea—give it a go!

Then, you have "redder", "more blue", "more yellow". Make them all the same: redder, bluer, yellower. It helps to keep that refrain going.

Clarity:

Nothing to be said except that clarity is beauty, and the meaning of your poem is absolutely clear.

General:

The last stanza definitely lacks something. I think the repetition of "beauty" is the main culprit, and some rhyme, even half-rhyme, would be great.

I also think that you should not have blue there. Maybe another common rose colour, like white for peace. Blue, sadness, also should not cheer people up. It is a token of grief and regard for the dead person.

Well done with this poem! I really enjoyed it.

barefootrunner

Its so simple and beautiful. I like how you considered every motive of the rose and spoke as if you were the rose. It reallt makes it different to how it would have been if you had done it from an outside perspective. In fact at parts you can almsot forget that its a rose and imagine its a person talking. I think it would be well worth your time re writing it in such a form where you don't mention the properties but merely talk about the effects it has. allow me to explain. the part where you say they give as a surprise gift, don't say that but make it as if the rose is human. That way it will be even more beautiful because to some they would figure its a rose and to others they would interpret it as human based on their conception. Poetry has the ability to touch people and the more broader it is the more different people can personally interpret it. This poem is still beautiful regardless though. I like how you started off with love and happiness and then moved to sorrow. It gives a false sens eof security as if this is a love poem before showcasing that it is more.
Very well done