You said you loved me the way a dog loves it's owner;
The way a ship is bound to it's dock;
The way the sun and the moon move interlocked with each other.
Unspoken, unthought,
We are the world in it's most broken form.
I've always imagined that in another life we'd be happy.
Smiling, laughing, sadness but an after-thought, tucked away carefully in the last drawer of your office,
Unopened.
Untouched.
And as the world inches forward, towards the end, I often think,
How?
How did we end up like this?
How did we go from heartfelt hugs and blissful Christmases
To
Tear-dragged screams and freshly dug wounds, cold winter days and even colder summer nights?
We let the days slip out from between our fingers,
We let the memories shatter like glass, spilling shards on the dark dark ground,
Spilling love,
Fueling hate,
Unloved
Untrue
Unwanted.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!
This was a beautiful poem. The word flowed perfectly. And on the part where you talked about the note in the desk drawer. I could feel the narrators pain. Whether it was about you or not. I can relate to things like this. And I just wanted to say if it is about you. I'm sorry. Otherwise, it was a great poem. The simlies you used in the beggining were fantastic and the rest of he peom was good too! Can't wait to read the next!
BrokenHeartsAri here for a review
First off I would like to say is this is a very heart-touching poem. I absolutely love how you came off and said:
"You said you loved me the way a dog loves its owner;
The way a ship is bound to its dock;"
Second, I love how you capture when you said
"How did we go from heartfelt hugs and blissful Christmases"
I really did like that part.
Zekcede was correct when he/she said "un-" words are really interesting and do a lot to catch the reader's attention.
again this was a really amazing poem. I enjoyed reading this just like everyone else. I just wished that it would have gotten a little bit more attention than it did.
Keep up the good work-BrokenHeartsAri
I want to begin by saying that this is a work of art, and it deserves more attention.
The way the poem begins is very intriguing, at first glance looking like different ways of love, but devolving into loving something you cannot leave. the repetition of "un-" words is really interesting and does a lot to catch the reader's attention. The only complaint I can make about it is purely grammatical, and it is that in the line
"We let the memories shatter like glass, spilling shards on the dark dark ground,"
the two words dark, and dark, need to be separated with a comma. For example,
We let the memories shatter like glass, spilling shards on the dark, dark ground,
Hello, Spearmint here for a review! First off, I want to agree with mordax in saying that this poem was absolutely beautiful. I love the comparisons at the beginning, and the sand/glass imagery is excellent! ^-^ Okay, on to some specifics...
Ooh this line sounds very poetic! But personally I was a little thrown off by the word "broken", because the first part seems to be talking about happier things. The "you" who is mentioned has apparently confessed their love, which I would think is a good thing? Unless they were lying-- in which case you might want to add a "but" somewhere to let the reader know that you're shifting directions (if that makes sense). For example:
"You said you loved me...
But unspoken, unthought
It seems we are the world in its most broken form."
Of course, this is all just my own opinion, and you definitely don't have to take these suggestions! I think this section is already pretty great, with a nice flow to it and some subtle rhyming as well c:
I love how you included the phrase "colder summer nights" because one wouldn't expect a summer night to be cold. I think it's very original and a great addition to this poem :]
And this is just another nitpicky thing, but I feel like this line is rather long? It might just be me, but perhaps you could try splitting it up or shortening it and see how you like it. Totally optional though :>
And... that's about it for this review! Overall I really enjoyed reading this poem and I hope you keep writing!
Hi there! Let me start off by saying, I absolutely adore this poem. So much. The imagery and lyrical writing you incorporate is astonishingly beautiful. You perfectly balance this sense of beauty and passion with the broken side of it--sorrow and pain.
I have but a few suggestions, but here they are.
In the beginning stanza, you use "it's" twice, though both times it was used improperly. It should be "its" as the apostrophe is only needed with the contraction "it is".
Okay, so while I absolutely love this line, there is one thing I think should be amended. The portion "sadness but an after-thought" was worded a bit strangely so the meaning was hard to come by. I would recommend rewording it just slightly, perhaps: "with sadness as an after-thought". Although, of course that is up to you.
I have nothing to say about these lines, I just think they deserve a little appreciation in this review because WOW, I love these lines so much. They flow so beautifully and that comparison between the days slipping through fingers to memories as glass is beautiful. I just imagine the days happening, each moment like sand falling between the seams, but sand is what makes glass--thus the memories--and glass can be shattered. I love this comparison so much and I love that visual. Wonderful job!
Overall, I love your poem. I wish I could bottle it up and take it with me to read at my every whim.
Mordax