I step forward;
As my foot begins to decay,
Frostbite edges on my lips
As I still smile.
My teeth begin to fall out,
I’m walking towards tomorrow.
.
My heart begins to freeze
And my tears become icicles.
The rigorous ice begins to crack
“No one has your back…”
.
I just want to be warm I think,
My heart begins to thaw
And suddenly I take a step backwards;
I can’t bring myself to walk…
.
I fall to my knees
As a parasite chills my mind in seconds.
.
My body falls to numbness
And it begins to sting
As a pit forms in my stomach,
Am I dying?
.
I can’t feel my fingers
Laying in the snow,
All I wanted was to be warm
I would give anything to not be
Cold.
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139,533 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
THis was really good and you should keep writing
Thanks
np
Hi Creativeusernane,
I’m here with a review. I really liked your poem. To be cair I imagined this person literely freezing to death then I thought about it like a methaphor. I belive that is because of how well you describe the movements and fellings of this charachter. For me it was a very vivid poem using simple words. I reallly liked that.
For grammar I only found one mistake.
“ Frostbite edges on my lips”
On should be of. It’s a really small one and not that important.
I hope my review helpes you and welcom to YWS,
MoonIris
Thanks for the review but I don%u2019t get why the it should be of instead of on
Okay what I meant to say was I dont get why it should be of instead of on
From what I lnow it%u2019s grammarly incorect. I might be wrong
Hey, and welcome! Silverquill here, with a review!
This was great! It's summertime where I am now, and this poem was able to make me shiver, which I think was the goal. So good job!
A couple parts I liked: the first stanza? Amazing. It's so haunting and delicious. I love the harsh imagery you use, what with the "decay" and the teeth falling out. It's so macabre and amazing and just what I needed today. And that bit about still smiling? Smiling while something terrible happens is one of my absolute favorite horror tropes, and it never ceases to make me gasp.
I also really love the fifth stanza, mostly because it ends in a question. To me, questions are always so dramatic and impressive, and "am I dying?" feels right at home in this lovely-yet-spooky poem. It's one of the rawest questions a person can ask, I think, and it always hits hard, no matter the context.
You do a great job at repeating messages and motifs in the poem as well. The phrase "I just want to be warm" (or other variations) appears twice, and this is by no means a bad thing. It helps enhance the tone of the poem, and elevates it to a sort of pleading sense. I feel like I'm with the narrator as they slowly succumb to the ice and snow that overtakes them, and yet I'm helpless myself and aid them in any way.
I did, however, have a few critiques. (Nothing harsh, I swear. Just some little things I noticed.)
I'd suggest putting a comma after warm. "I think" functions like a dialogue tag (or a thought tag, in this case) and to attribute the thought to it, you'd need a comma. Or you could put "I just want to be warm" in italics. Or you could do both italics and a comma.
Stanza four also seems a little short to me. You usually have at least four lines per stanza, and, while in some poems stanza variation seems to work, it this one it just feels stunted and jarring. To me, it doesn't sound good. But it could be a matter of personal taste.
Another thing that was jarring was the last line, for me. I think you separated "cold" from the rest of the stanza and gave it its own line because you wanted to really emphasize it, but honestly, I think it'd have more emphasis as part of the line before it. As it is now, it puts a pause right before the final word of the poem, which doesn't feel natural. But if you put it with the line above, you're left with a final thought of "I would give anything to not be cold," which in my mind is equally, if not more, chilling than what you have now.
Overall: great job! I enjoyed this poem a lot. Feel free to disregard the latter two suggestions; those are more my opinion and not really technical. Once again, welcome to YWS. And as always, keep writing! I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Thank you
Ooh, this is hauntingly beautiful! Gave me shivers. <3 I had to reread this twice to give it the full appreciation it deserves. I love how the cold progresses, and you can really see that the character is fighting it, even though it seems to be a losing battle. I'm picking up that there's some unseen metaphor encircling this poem, but I can't really explain it—it's just a feeling that there's more here, and I absolutely love it.
I usually don't focus on poetry that much, but this one really caught my eye with the flow and the beauty of the cold. There's not much for me to critique, so I'm just going to point out the parts that really enraptured me while reading.
I think that stanza right there was the one that got me thinking about how there's an underlying message here. It's not just the literal cold that's getting to the character, it's doubt and worry that's pressing in. I'm truly sensing the fight this character is putting up as they reach for warmth, for positive reinforcement. (I'm not sure those are the words I'm looking for, but that's all I can come up with at the moment. It's hard to put it into words.)
This line really struck me. As you continue reading, you see the character fall to the cold, but here, their heart is still warm, thawing. It's such a small thing, but you can really see how they're keeping a small flame alive, even as they're losing.
This part especially was really powerful to me. You know the character is starting to succumb, and it just strikes another chord. I feel that describing the cold as a parasite truly captures what's happening.
Another part that chilled me, pun not intended. This ending is just so hauntingly perfect, and it wraps up nicely. I feel like I can hear the plea of this character, begging to be warm as the cold overcomes them. It's just incredible.
TL;DR, I love this poem, and it truly captures the fight this character is going through. It's beautiful. <3
Aww, thank you!!