License Plates

Yo LilBizquit,

I actually am pretty into this as a piece of slightly abstract poetry. Except that it isn't really abstract, it just uses the licence plate numbers really effectively to break up the motion of the poem. I imagine the breaks in the same pattern as your prisoner's arm moving up and down to press the numbers into the plate. As he thinks, the numbers pause to let the thoughts through, arm raised, until he gets back to it and the plate is made. I'm digging it.

What I'm not fully into at the moment is the rhythm of those thoughts after "XYZ-789", because I think they come through a little clunky and maybe a little cliched considering prison culture? I'm not sure how you'd go about avoiding a bit of cliche when it's such an insular image, so we might leave that to the side. However, I think you could think about how rhythm works here and how the initial lines of the poem have a good sense of action and timing, it feels natural and slick, but when we hit this longer section thought it doesn't feel like a real person thinking, even though it's been narrated the whole time. I think I want a little more repetition, for example, "his lunch, how he'll be taking" feels so long? Unnecessarily so when I think "his lunch, about taking" is faster, just as effective, and more smoothly human thought. Another example is in the second to last line where "there is" would be smoother than "he takes" because of the hardness of the K in takes, which slows you down.

I'm not sure how to properly articulate it, but I believe you need to shave back some of what you've written and consider the way your thoughts are articulated to you, and not to others, because right now there's vague sense of superiority on the sidelines that I don't think fits the narrative you've constructed. And it is a narrative I really like.

Thanks for posting bruv.
- Pen.

hey cog!

So these are all little licence plate numbers, hm?
So you appear to be making the point that prisoners are the one writing them? That seems a little odd, but the rest of this is pretty cool.
okay so I just asked you now in chat about Newblood. It was def not immediately apparent that you were talking about taking a new person's lunch.

I like the thing about how this guy feels sweet revenge about calling people by numbers, just like prisoners are numbered. I like the irony.

But I feel like it's not really irony because I really doubt that prisoners choose licence plate numbers?

But to be honest, that's my only problem with this poem. I mean, the rest of it has your voice and makes sense, and its flow isn't too shabby. It's actually a pretty good poem, man.
I don't know what you were talking about.

I like the simplicity and the licence plate numbers interspersing the whole thing. Although ABC-123 and XYZ-789 seem a little uninspired, though that may be what you were getting at.

Keep writing cog <3
I hope this review helped.
~fortis

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