The Extemporized Machine feat. thewritersdream (Parts 1 to 4) (Draft 1)

Hello, Cow & Dreamy~ Here to review your collab piece! First of all, I’d like to commend you on your incredibly creative and original title. The main problem I noticed throughout this poem is that the writing is a bit too loose. Most of my suggestions will be focused on tightening the piece and punctuation, on refining it to be more concise. The content of it is great on its own, so no suggestions there! Also, I’m not sure if the capitalization of every line was purposeful, but just so you know, it isn’t necessary since you’re not starting a new sentence every line. In truth, capitalization itself isn’t necessary, but it’s all about stylistic choices, so if this was purposeful then more power to ya.

Pt. I:

Inevitably, we all fall,

So why not rejoice while possible
Why not repent!

I say, nay, rejoicing is for the weak
And repenting is for the fearful
I am not the fearful
And falling is not to be taken lying down

In sleep there is life

Moreour definition of life than we know

Because freedom is life to our narrowminded consciousness

of the smoothly gone variety

And without your molotov redemption there is no nation to benefit those six words
Don’t. Have. My. Liberal. Freedom.

Because we don’t give it the weight it was meant to be given
Just until we know how much we become driven

The mind resmbles a dark cellar
The past waiting in a corner,
Staring at my feeble self
Daring me to breathe
Urging me to see
All it’s hidden deeds.

While all this happens
I stand, my feeble self
I stare back at it, trying
to be strong despite the desire
to give in to it all, for wasn’t I
Imprisoned?

The escape would be undending

That the cause of it all was a butterfly’s wings

But my fallacies of conscience aren’t the issue here

Rather, it’s my percieved escape

And now I’m in the wet weeds
...
stop making it harder than it has to be.

This was amazing. I'm going to analyze this in parts, and then review the poem as a whole.

Part 1: Falling.

I'm not entirely sure if the title for this section is entirely appropriate as you spend more time discussing repentance then actually falling. However, looking back the title does suite it even though it's not to my personal tastes. I discovered no grammatical or spelling errors here, and for that I commend you.

Part 2: Dreaming

There were some spelling errors in this section. two thirds of them however, were do to lack of a space between words:
Moreour=more our narrowminded=narrow minded molotv=I'm not entirely sure what this word is supposed to be. My spellcheck, however, tells me that this should be capitalized.

I loved your content in this, how you discussed freedom and liked it to a dream (at least that was how I perceived it). Very good!

Part 3: Imprisoned

resmbles=resembles it's=its (with the apostrophe you are saying it is, rather than its and that does not fit the content of the line)

The content here was strong, well written, and defined. The flow of the lyrics however, leaves something to be desired.
My eyes were closing slowly

My mind awakened still

And though I tried running

I'd be dragged back, against my will

To escape I'd have to kill me

I'd have to destroy myself

The escape would be undending

A circling recourse in departing sanity


Here you had a small rhyme scheme going on that was promptly abandoned. It disturbed me in my reading because I was like, "Oh, a rhyme!" and it made me pause, and because of that rhyme I expected the rest of the section to have a rhyme scheme, but because it did not the flow was stunted and I must admit I was rather disappointed. It just threw the whole end of the section out of whack.

Part 4: Regrets

This was easily the best part of the whole work. In this section you combined topics that would never work well together in a everyday setting:

My toothaches require splitting loose ends

But I shaved my head months ago

But the way that you wrote them, they did work together beautifully. Not even many authors are able to do this. You truly have a gift.

Just one last thing I would like to add (this is me covering the work as a whole) typical rule of thumb in most poetry is than every time you end a line with a punctuation mark, the line ends there, and every lines ends in a punctuation mark. Not all author do this, but its something to keep in mind.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Merry Christmas in July!
Happy Writing!
HT

Edit: It was changed so oh well.

Anyway, I am a noob so my brain can not comprehend this genius of a poem.

I think you need to put some more punctuation at the end of your lines for the phrasing, especially when you start every new line with a capital which makes it seem like each line is separate when really some of them carry on.

Also I have no idea what the title means. Your words are very lovely, they sound poetic even to someone who, like me, has custard for a brain.

Sorry my review was so fail, bro.